Background on me. I'm 23 year old male who has been taking psych meds since 18. Before then I had bouts of depression and bad anxiety, but due to my family philosophies they were just weaknesses to be toughened out. So, over the past years I've been up and down. I have extremely great periods followed by dark dark periods. I've been fairly successful in school and work. And have also screwed myself over in school work and relationships. So I'm a philosophy and psych major and obsessed with feeling good, since I know it's attainable. However, I commit a lot of fallacies with impaired judgement due to emotional and psych med states. I've been on sleeping pills, ADs, stimulants, benzos, and APs. I'm currently on risperdal 1mg, Effexor 150mg, focalin ir 20mg, and gabapentin prn. I get nasty side effects and switch out the risperdal for another ap, and then get back on it. I try cutting out the focalin and Effexor. I try adding other stuff in, and then I start feeling like all these meds are the cause. I fee hopeless and try to use some behavioral treatment. I exercise, socialize, have hobbies. But I feel angry and irritable and hopeless. I feel like there is solution in medication, and then when they make me feel worse I blame them. I just want to feel happy, or being not so vague, content and not pissed off and containing myself from screaming. I don't even know if I'm really bi polar. I can't trust the psych, I don't trust myself, I'm tired of reading self help books, but I feel desperate as hell. I've never written on here so this is me reaching out.