Sometimes I don't care. I say things, and I say it to make people uncomfortable or angry. And I have no issue with it. To me, it's a game, and I find it funny. So then I act like a dick to everyone, and they all end up disliking me.
Yet I feel sad when people ignore me. I think that I just really want human interaction. I'm not always like this. Sometimes I'm completely okay being alone, but other times, I don't care if people hate me or if they like me, I just want to interact with them. I want to feel connected to people. I'll say anything to make them angry or to make them like me. I only care that they acknowledge me.
I'm always kicked out of programs and communities and etc. It's not that I don't understand consequences; I do understand that people don't appreciate those who are obnoxious like I am, but I wish they would understand me.
I suppose I pity myself. It makes me want to cut and do drugs. I can't differentiate sadness from anger, so every time I become sad, I become angry as well. I use to take my anger out on pets and people, but they're not around me now, so I take it out on myself. I can't stop the violence. I need to let it out, or it starts to consume me. I can't breathe, and I can't think. I want to destroy my body. I see myself, and it's like I don't belong in this flesh.
I don't understand what I am feeling. I call it loneliness, but I don't know if it's actually loneliness. I could never figure out what emotions I feel. I just need a way to return to the state of not being dictated by my emotions. I can't control my actions when I feel, and it makes me violent and eventually regretful. I cut cut and take diazepam, but I want to find a more sustainable way.