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bymyselves

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About bymyselves

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  1. I kinda wish to be in your shoes now. I got some friends that I wish I've never met honestly.
  2. I can watch movies. But watching TV from my country has become unbearable lately. I get depressed or angry at it. I have no problem watching TV from other countries though.
  3. I reply "I'm fine" of course. Every time I open up, even with the closest people to me, I don't like the result.
  4. I absolutely hate going to sleep at the time the majority goes to sleep. (from 10PM to 1AM).Usually I come home from work at 5PM and immediately hit the bed and pass out for 3, 4 hours and them go to sleep again at 3 or 4AM. Even if I don't take the nap after work I still sleep after 2 AM.
  5. Is it possible to be Aspergers or anything in the autistic spectrum if you are very sarcastic? Or people wth aspergers don't understand humor and irony?
  6. I even forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it. I'm addicted to any kind of distraction that taske me away from what I should be doing.
  7. I can relate so much. I'm the only one I know that have these types of insight that I know of. People have told me I have "potential" my whole life. Dozens of people, parents, teachers, relatives, neighbours, friends, coworkers have told me that I am "gifted with inteligence". I learn some stuff easily, but I think people have overblown it. It fed my ego and my fantasies. I honestly think that that is probably the beginning of all my mental ilnesses. My overfed ego led to illusions and fantasy. I began to worship my own ability to manage things. And when things didn't go my away I got pissed off and depressed. I have destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of stuff in fits of rage with no clear motive behind it. It was just that things in my life werent going my way and I was generally pissed off.
  8. This "growing up into an adult" thing seems to be a fantasy that I'm seeing a lot in friends the past year. I have friends that where like, total slackers, not having jobs, or colleges, or any occupations for many years. Also most of them have partied hard all weekends, spent a lot of money with BS, used drugs on a daily basis for a LONG time. Suddenly I'm watching most of them talk like they are the most respectable members of society. Like they have grown up to fabulous adulthood. People that never cared about how they dressed suddenly are spending money like crazy in buying formal clothing and are wearing them ALL the time. A few weeks ago a friend was wearing a expensive dress shirt and expensive shoes just for walking in the streets on a Saturday afternoon. And he chewed me out because I was wearing shorts and a T shirt, which is what most people wear in their days-off during scorching heat. According to him that's not civilized, adult clothing. The level of hypocrisy is astounding coming from someone who not long ago would go weeks without showering.
  9. I think the same. I have never really opened up about having MI, because, shit, what is the use? What good is it gonna do to me, to people that I disclose this to, to society? If I say I have MI to my employers they're gonna be even more worried than they're now (they already know that I'm weird), waiting for my next fuck up. My parents of course know that I have MI because they are with me since I was a kid and I've never been an OK person, even as a child. But they don't know the details and they don't know that I go to a therapist.
  10. Wow, great post. Your writer fantasy may not have been just a fantasy because you write very well. I disagree with something very important. You say that you must accept that you must have a job "like every other damn person in the planet". Well a lot of people don't work. I know people who are middle-aged and they havent work on their entire lives because they inherited a lot of money so they didn't need to. I know people about my age (early twenties) who won't have to work a day in their lives for the same reason. There is people that, though not rich, they just don't care and they chose to spend their lifes in abulia (like hippies and tramps). There is people like my father, who only had a few months of real work his entire life, because my mother is willing to provide for him. There are people who live from state benefits. There are all sorts of criminals and petty thiefs and conners. When I left high school I didn't know what to do and didn't want to work so I spent many months doing nothing. Then I got worried about what people thought of me and accepted a job that my mother arranged for me. After a little over a year I was fired. Then I spent a couple of years not working, only studying at home and in groups, saying that I was preparing to get into an awesome college that was gonna give me an awesome carreer. Then came a time when it was clear for me and others arround me that this preparation for college thing was an illusion and I was getting old. I decided to search for jobs and found a good one, in a bank, with some status, only to quit after 10 days because the realities of staying inside a bank institution from 8 to 4 answering queries from dozens of people about money and retirement where too overwhelming for me, after all, I hate even going to banks for a few minutes as a customer. After that I thought I was ready to get out of my parents house and go live on the streets in some town far away because I couldn't stand the shame but I found another job soon which I still have. In fact, I type this I'm on the workplace computer. I have held this job for two years. In the beginning I had a honeymoon period (although that was helped by alcohol and pills that I used during work hours). This job is not as high status as the one in the bank, but there is a lot of people who have college degrees who would fight for this job and I have only high school diploma. I live with my parents and don't have much bills to pay so I save most of the money. I'm in a confortable situation comparing to most folks my age I know. Many people would say I should be grateful. But after a few months the honeymoon period wore off completely. I became depressed, restless. I contemplated suicide for the entire year of 2014. I almost left this job on a a few occasions. There were about a dozen days that I missed work simply because I was too depressed to go. I'm agains the idea of a job by itself being a source of sanity. I always thought that, if I held a job for a year, I would stabilize and everything would fall into place. People that I know told me the same thing. Instead, when I was one year in this job things started taking a turn to a very dark and dangerous place.
  11. support group seems like a place you should feel supported but that doesn't seem like it is the case
  12. My job is mostly data-entry and errand running but also have to deal with the public a little. The interactions with the public doesnt scare me much because they are short and non-personal. The ┬┤public knows what they want and I know how to provide it. The part when my social phobia really takes hold of me is dealing with my coworkers. Coworkers for me are MUCH scarier than the public. My social anxiety does NOT decrease with familiarity. It might seen shallow for some of you, but I find that my social anxiety was greately reduced when I started wearing nicer, more formal and more expensive clothes....Also it's better in the times that I hav e the strength to shower and shave everyday.
  13. I can relate very much to this thread. I'm 24, I've been thinking about becoming a hobo who tramps around from town to town since I was 22. I feel like giving up everything but I dont have enough courage to commit suicide. I'm can give a f*** about my life. I don't like my job, I hate my parents, I'm disgusted by the people who are my so-called friends. I have ADD and can't concentrate on anything that requires effort. I have zero social skills. I love loneliness. I like wandering around aimlessly. I love visiting small town and get to know new places. I want to be away from this people that supposedly like me. I want them to leave me the f alone. There is a song, Borracho, by Mark Lanegan that goes, "f*** yourselves, I need some more room to breathe". That's exactly how I feel.
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