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About Sertsana

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  1. When I started derealizing last year, I had an impulse to buy cigarettes for the first time, and idk if it was the placebo affect, but I found that they helped ground me a bit. I started derealizing again recently and tried smoking them again and found that they helped a bit. It's funny because when you smoke them they make you sort of dizzy and you're stumbling...but they're also a stimulant I was just wondering if other people find that they have helped or made it worse?
  2. At times I can be walking around or whatever and I feel like I'm transforming, I feel this incredible, intoxicating energy, and I feel like I'm becoming a demon, or specifically a kitsune because I've always related to them. I can practically feel the claws and fangs growing. I walk around and I imagine how with such a power, such claws, I could easily kill these puny stupid humans, and I imagine cutting/stabbing them with my razor sharp claws, biting them, essentially, going feral and attacking the heck out of everyone. It's so much fun that it's hard to keep from leering at everyone. I'm grateful for the sunglasses on my face so they can't see my eyes, so bright and murderous. I understand that I'm not actually a demon, and I wouldn't actually kill anyone, but I get so pissed at people that you know you just want to kill someone, so at that time it's like so releasing and intoxicating. If it happens at night I feel like the moon is making me transform and it's like lending me its power and I just want to run and act crazy because it's night, the night air is alive with energy and everything has transformed under the light of the moon and is alive and free How about you?
  3. Thank you everyone for posting, it's been really helpful. Velvet Elvis, I'm sorry that you had to get so upset at the posts xD I was genuinely scared though that I was experiencing BP related psychosis however: This clears that up lol I do have OCD, and a lot of what has been described I can relate to. For instance, at times I will be walking by someone and I'll suddenly imagine myself brutally murdering or hurting them, despite the fact that I would hope that I would never actually do that. Like pouncing on them and ripping their eyes out of their sockets. Last semester there was a rash of assaults on my campus, and as a result I became so paranoid that I couldn't leave my apartment at night, because I constantly thought I was going to be attacked, that someone was going to jump out of the bushes, it got so bad that I was afraid someone would break in so I put my bike against my door every night so that a robber would knock it over and wake me up (and hopefully run off) The thoughts aren't just like why are you still alive you should kill yourself, but it's also like when I'm writing note cards or something and I mess up, it's a little too messy, erase it, do it again, it's not good enough, again again just toss it and start over, and I keep thinking that I asked to be crazy xD or like asking 'are you stable yet? no? now? no? why not?' When I feel suicidal I think about how I couldn't let my parents or anyone else take care of my cats because they're are moody and difficult as me, so I'd have to kill my cats too and it tortures me, this idea of snapping their necks, and it scares me, this thought of if I really felt suicidal enough, killing them, and then what if I didn't die but I had killed them? And when I first got them I was always scared that they had died, stopped breathing, that they weren't moving. I would check, touch them, and I still worry sometimes, look really close to see if their chests are rising Ever since my mom gave me her car, I've been absolutely terrified that it will break down or I'll wreck it, especially when I drive on the highway, because she's always paranoid when I go on trips, and it's like because it's her car then if I damaged it in any way it would be the worst thing in the world or something, so I'm always listening for noises and when the road gets a bit rough I get scared that something's wrong. And yeah the intrusive sexual thoughts, I consider myself practically asexual but sometimes these incredibly gross images or thoughts flash in my head and I'm like eww why would I think that, do I want to do that? Am I really that perverted? I was really scared last semester that I was going insane because I was experiencing depersonalization and the intrusive thoughts and paranoid obsessive thoughts were so intense, but yeah doing research it was like 'if you can tell it's irrational then it's OCD' and I was like err ok then I guess I'm not psychotic *phew* but I still get scared because my BP is really intense atm so I just wanted to hear other people's experiences to sort of make sure. I feel like it's much more reliable to hear other people's accounts that just to ask my pdoc because yes they have seen a ton of patients but this allows me to judge for myself based on what I know is in my head, versus what the pdoc hears me attempt to describe? So once again thank you everyone!
  4. I shouldn't try to self diagnose or anything but yeah I was just curious after reading the thread about intrusive thoughts in the schizophrenia topic, if what I experience is OCD or more psychosis related, I feel like it's hard to tell
  5. Could you describe what intrusive OCD thoughts feel like? How you experience them? I believe that what I experience are OCD intrusive thoughts but I'm not sure and would like to hear more about what other people experience For me, I feel like in some way I initiate them like I could think something like 'why am I alive' and they'll jump in 'yeah just kill yourself do it' but I can't turn it off and I didn't ask for it and it's my own voice but last semester it got so bad I was thinking of characters for these 'thoughts' but I mean I have a very active imagination so idk xD like it's mainly when I'm trying to sleep or study What are your experiences? (even if it's nothing like this)
  6. I think ultimately that's what matters, finding replacements that you're comfortable with and can even be more comforting and helpful than SH
  7. I wish us both luck in making it to the end of our degrees with our sanity intact x)
  8. When I was a kid, I had similar fantasies about the idea that I had real parents out there who would one day come rescue me from my family who I felt really alone in. In 3rd grade, my friend told me that she and I were mages and that she could tell fortunes and we could talk to animals. I thought it was real, apparently she was just pretending. I then thought my cat was talking to me, and for a couple years I believed that an magical realm was waiting for me to come save it and the clouds were signs telling me what was happening xD As I've grown up, I've used imagination as a coping mechanism you could say, I always have imaginary friends, not like a child does when they say 'hey mommy this is bob' 'okay sweety' but like I conjure up characters in my head and pretend that they're with me whenever I need them, pretend to be someone else when I want to escape my reality. I have this ongoing 'fantasy' that I'm in a band, but that's because I sincerely want to be a musician, so it's like I'm playing out my future while waiting for it to happen. This imagination has really helped me, because at times when I'm in severe distress and I'm practically catatonic, or it feels like every thought in my head is screaming and I feel like I'm going to shatter, I can manage to imagine one of my characters with me, and they'll help me out, get me back on my feet. I've read about people who have an addiction to this fantasy world to the point that it literally gets in the way of their lives, they pretend while with their friends, and as a result their friends leave them for instance. I don't know if you would consider this an addiction to fantasy in a similar way as your own, but I also plan on writing novels, and I think that having such an expansive imagination helps. x)
  9. I'm late on this, but I've had intrusive thoughts that I thought were classified as OCD? Like, I would describe it as in my own voice, and in a way I think I'm thinking it but at the same time I'm not in control of the thought, because I can't stop it, I don't ask for it. And it's not pleasant, like thoughts to kill myself, just do it, sort of thing. Last semester it was so intense that I was able to distinguish three 'characters' and had names for them and could even imagine what they might look like, their personalities, but at the same time it was I felt like I was causing it? Like if I tried harder, they would stop.
  10. I have BP1 rapid cycling, so my moods can go up and down within a few days or week, and sometimes I just crash into despair so intense I literally just put some music on (although I usually have music going constantly) curl up in a ball, pull the covers over my head and squeeze my eyes shut really tight, hug a pillow. Lay in bed on my laptop reading and watching whatever keeps me distracted, I tend to read manga or watch anime series so I'll continue with that or put on one of my favorite movies. If I can, I'll just write. Usually if I'm feeling that low, I give myself a sick day. If I have work and I can't get it covered though, sometimes it's actually good to force myself to get up and out of the house, be around people. But otherwise I'm like hey don't worry about anything, it can wait. Take a nice hot shower, enjoy something chocolatey x) I mean for me I can't really say what the actual frequency is but I can be there for a couple hours or a few days and then maybe not quite that low or nearly that low for several weeks. I think that at those times I really can't do anything but be patient, take care of myself. I'm a student so I miss class and get behind, but it's not like it can't be made up. It's like when you have the flu and you can barely get out of bed, you just have to do what you can do, and know that you'll recover in time.
  11. Thanks everyone, we upped my seroquel a bit more and I'm trying to keep distracted and and busy, so I think I'll be okay, I just get scared sometimes because I'm not used to this x)
  12. I agree with katie that it's like a stepping stone. It's better than say cutting because you're not causing harm in a way that could be a serious injury, that scars, but it's still the same mechanism, so you're like weening yourself off of SH I suppose what your therapist is trying to say though by the tissue damage thing is that just snapping it a little may be soothing in a way that reduces anxiety or tension, but if you use the rubber band to purposely cause pain in the same way you would to SH in order to keep from using something else, it's still SH but a step towards stopping
  13. Pollen has been covering everything lately, and my pollen covered car has been attracting wasps, so when it rained a little today as I was getting off work, I decided to chase the rain to give my car a nice wash. I got on the highway and drove right into a nice patch of it. I sped along for about 25 miles and turned around, no regrets. But then 20 miles later, when I was supposed to be getting back, I see a sign I recognize that tells me that I'm still going in the same direction. I had a training for work in an hour. So I quickly turn around and speed home at around 82 in the rain, and manage to get there about 2 minutes late. At least my car is now reasonably clean x)
  14. I just joined CB and I didn't really want to make a new thread to whine about myself but I guess I feel a bit scared out here on my own. I'm currently trying to complete my last semester of college, after already having to repeat a year. I'm only taking 1 class, but it's a constant struggle. I can't attend class and I got behind from the start and have yet to fully catch up. I was just diagnosed last year with BPNOS--BP1, with rapid cycling. I was on Lamictal for a bit fall/winter of 2013, but my dad lost his job so there went my insurance, and I just got it back this semester. Back then my BP had seemed quite manageable, but since October, I feel like I've been holding onto the side of a cliff by my fingernails, trying my best not to fall off. I refuse to not graduate this year, though, because I've come so far, and I'm not repeating another year. I either finish this semester or I don't graduate. This semester, I've gotten back on the Lamictal along with Seroquel, and we've slowly been raising both, but I have yet to feel a difference. In fact, as the semester has progressed, I've felt all the more unstable. I feel like maybe I could benefit from IP, if anything to get the medications in order, but I remain firm on my decision to see the semester through to the end. At this point, there are just 6 weeks left. I guess, I just want to know that I'm not the only one trying to hold it together like a car that you can tell is falling apart but you're just praying will make it to the end of the road trip xD
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