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About Sertsana

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  1. When I started derealizing last year, I had an impulse to buy cigarettes for the first time, and idk if it was the placebo affect, but I found that they helped ground me a bit. I started derealizing again recently and tried smoking them again and found that they helped a bit. It's funny because when you smoke them they make you sort of dizzy and you're stumbling...but they're also a stimulant I was just wondering if other people find that they have helped or made it worse?
  2. At times I can be walking around or whatever and I feel like I'm transforming, I feel this incredible, intoxicating energy, and I feel like I'm becoming a demon, or specifically a kitsune because I've always related to them. I can practically feel the claws and fangs growing. I walk around and I imagine how with such a power, such claws, I could easily kill these puny stupid humans, and I imagine cutting/stabbing them with my razor sharp claws, biting them, essentially, going feral and attacking the heck out of everyone. It's so much fun that it's hard to keep from leering at everyone. I'm gra
  3. Thank you everyone for posting, it's been really helpful. Velvet Elvis, I'm sorry that you had to get so upset at the posts xD I was genuinely scared though that I was experiencing BP related psychosis however: This clears that up lol I do have OCD, and a lot of what has been described I can relate to. For instance, at times I will be walking by someone and I'll suddenly imagine myself brutally murdering or hurting them, despite the fact that I would hope that I would never actually do that. Like pouncing on them and ripping their eyes out of their sockets. Last semester there was
  4. I shouldn't try to self diagnose or anything but yeah I was just curious after reading the thread about intrusive thoughts in the schizophrenia topic, if what I experience is OCD or more psychosis related, I feel like it's hard to tell
  5. Could you describe what intrusive OCD thoughts feel like? How you experience them? I believe that what I experience are OCD intrusive thoughts but I'm not sure and would like to hear more about what other people experience For me, I feel like in some way I initiate them like I could think something like 'why am I alive' and they'll jump in 'yeah just kill yourself do it' but I can't turn it off and I didn't ask for it and it's my own voice but last semester it got so bad I was thinking of characters for these 'thoughts' but I mean I have a very active imagination so idk xD like it's mainly
  6. I think ultimately that's what matters, finding replacements that you're comfortable with and can even be more comforting and helpful than SH
  7. I wish us both luck in making it to the end of our degrees with our sanity intact x)
  8. When I was a kid, I had similar fantasies about the idea that I had real parents out there who would one day come rescue me from my family who I felt really alone in. In 3rd grade, my friend told me that she and I were mages and that she could tell fortunes and we could talk to animals. I thought it was real, apparently she was just pretending. I then thought my cat was talking to me, and for a couple years I believed that an magical realm was waiting for me to come save it and the clouds were signs telling me what was happening xD As I've grown up, I've used imagination as a coping mechanis
  9. I'm late on this, but I've had intrusive thoughts that I thought were classified as OCD? Like, I would describe it as in my own voice, and in a way I think I'm thinking it but at the same time I'm not in control of the thought, because I can't stop it, I don't ask for it. And it's not pleasant, like thoughts to kill myself, just do it, sort of thing. Last semester it was so intense that I was able to distinguish three 'characters' and had names for them and could even imagine what they might look like, their personalities, but at the same time it was I felt like I was causing it? Like if I tri
  10. I have BP1 rapid cycling, so my moods can go up and down within a few days or week, and sometimes I just crash into despair so intense I literally just put some music on (although I usually have music going constantly) curl up in a ball, pull the covers over my head and squeeze my eyes shut really tight, hug a pillow. Lay in bed on my laptop reading and watching whatever keeps me distracted, I tend to read manga or watch anime series so I'll continue with that or put on one of my favorite movies. If I can, I'll just write. Usually if I'm feeling that low, I give myself a sick day. If I have
  11. Thanks everyone, we upped my seroquel a bit more and I'm trying to keep distracted and and busy, so I think I'll be okay, I just get scared sometimes because I'm not used to this x)
  12. I agree with katie that it's like a stepping stone. It's better than say cutting because you're not causing harm in a way that could be a serious injury, that scars, but it's still the same mechanism, so you're like weening yourself off of SH I suppose what your therapist is trying to say though by the tissue damage thing is that just snapping it a little may be soothing in a way that reduces anxiety or tension, but if you use the rubber band to purposely cause pain in the same way you would to SH in order to keep from using something else, it's still SH but a step towards stopping
  13. Pollen has been covering everything lately, and my pollen covered car has been attracting wasps, so when it rained a little today as I was getting off work, I decided to chase the rain to give my car a nice wash. I got on the highway and drove right into a nice patch of it. I sped along for about 25 miles and turned around, no regrets. But then 20 miles later, when I was supposed to be getting back, I see a sign I recognize that tells me that I'm still going in the same direction. I had a training for work in an hour. So I quickly turn around and speed home at around 82 in the rain, and
  14. I just joined CB and I didn't really want to make a new thread to whine about myself but I guess I feel a bit scared out here on my own. I'm currently trying to complete my last semester of college, after already having to repeat a year. I'm only taking 1 class, but it's a constant struggle. I can't attend class and I got behind from the start and have yet to fully catch up. I was just diagnosed last year with BPNOS--BP1, with rapid cycling. I was on Lamictal for a bit fall/winter of 2013, but my dad lost his job so there went my insurance, and I just got it back this semester. Back then
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