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Everything posted by SobrietyAnxiety

  1. This is my second post. So again, bear with me. I have some issues with substance abuse, depression, and just about every type of anxiety disorder you can find in the DSMs. With my "addictive personality," Adderall has become a drug that I just can't get enough of. I've been taking it for over a year and have come to a conclusion that if I keep taking it, things will only get worse than they are now. I don't have a job and live with my parents. I'm a part-time student and only take a couple courses per semester. It's been years since I held an official job. At first, I thought that Adderall was enhancing my performance--in everything, but that couldn't be further from the truth. The most I've gotten out of it are As in my classes and repetitive artwork that seems to be getting "bland" over time. After a ton of obsessive research, I concluded that mirtazapine might be the key to curing my anxiety and depression, help me gain weight, and quit Adderall. I don't want to get into pharmacology of the combination of Adderall and mirtazapine, because I'm way, way too tired. Anyway, my doctor agreed with me that mirtazapine may be a fantastic option to cure all of what I've stated above. I was prescribed 15 milligrams to take nightly. The first night I was out cold, and the next day wasn't too bad at all. The second day (today) however, I'm cranky, impatient, exhausted, and guilty for not doing anything with my life. I know I want to give this medication a fair shot, but I'm one of those people that read up way too much on other's experiences with medication. The positives so far are that I'm not craving Adderall as much as I usually do, and clonazepam (which I forgot to note) isn't really needed either. Still, with this lethargy there is absolutely no way I could hold a job or even continue in school. All in all, I want to know if anyone can relate, especially if they have been on Adderall and mirtazapine simultaneously. Also, has anyone quit Adderall cold-turkey from a 40mg dose (or over)? If so, how long did it take to get your mental and physical energy back. I have the rest of summer to solve this, but as all people that take pharmacueticals know, seeing a doctor/psychiatrist every two weeks and continued trial-and-error fails takes so much time, money and stress. Thanks.
  2. Again, thanks for the advice--and also again, Southern, that's exactly what happens to me. I dislike posting on forums sometimes because I don't have an idea of how long it's going to take. I was considering CBT, it's just the expense and doubt that it's going to work for me. I just want to know what the fuck happened to me. I hate having to fake my smiles and laughter when being around others. I think you're the only person that's ever been able to relate. Queen, you're probably right on the chemical dependence standpoint; I'm not sure if I'm actually addicted physically to the drugs. But I know one thing, and that's that I know when I need clonazepam. My confusion is amplified, I sweat, my head hurts--things are just scary and I don't know what to do besides pop another pill. One of my biggest problems though, is the constant thought of getting high. I have days when it's all I think about. At least once a week I have dreams of relapsing, and figure what's the point of not abusing drugs when I'm already a social louse and have messed up my head. It was hard to comply with my doctor; I didn't want to stop Adderall and clonazepam until I realized that it's only making things worse. Recently I've just been drinking, because I can't get my mind to just "turn off." I think so much that I can't think, if that makes sense. That's a good idea, melissaw, and is actually what I just started doing. It's hard to cope with the weaning off right now, but I'm hoping that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I knew if drugs are the full cause of this or if it's just something that happened to me over the last three years.
  3. Thanks for the comments/advice. I agree with you, Southern; it's painful as hell. When it comes to knowledge, I would consider myself a pretty bright guy. I have a 3.9 GPA and am often praised for it. It's discouraging though, at the same time, since I want to be a clinical psychologist. How am I supposed to help others when my brain just "shuts off" like this? I don't know why it happens, but lately it's been pissing me off more than embarrassing me. For example, yesterday I worked up the courage to attend an NA meeting. If anyone has been in one before, you know that there are those very common awkward silences. The attention was definitely directed to me, since I hadn't been to a meeting in over half a year. Anyway, one of the silences happened and I knew I had to wing it; I had to try to speak my mind. It went something like this: "My name's ____, and I'm an addict." Then everyone, (probably 20 people) go, "Hi ____!" I stuttered a lot and it's actually hard to remember what I said, but it started with, "Note that my mind goes blank.. sometimes.. and.. well.. it's probably, well.. maybe due to.. umm.. all of the.. umm... drugs I've done." After I spoke, I couldn't remember anything I said besides that--but I was humiliated. I wish someone could record me speaking in public so I count all of the face touching, looking down, and umms I make. I really did want to speak, I just couldn't. This has become such a vicious cycle and I often wonder if I will ever conquer it and become a "normal speaking" individual.
  4. Alright--first post, so bear with me here. It took me about five minutes to figure out what to type after that sentence. As much as I'd like to write a memoir on this forum about my insane drug-induced disordered life, I'll try to make my questions simple. Really, I couldn't decide if I should post in this thread or the OCD, social phobia, depersonalization, or addictions one. I used to be a crazy, outgoing kid that loved going out in public. Pulling pranks on people in grocery stores and getting in trouble at fast food drive-thru's were my favorite hobbies. I had been like this my whole life, up until I started using marijuana when I was 16. A few years into my addiction (that's what I'll call it) I had some sort of psychotic break in one of my high school classes. I was on venlafaxine at the time for depression; anxiety was never an issue. I've read of all sorts of these depersonalized episodes due to cannabis use (especially when using as an adolescent). These reoccur and are something I'll have to accept until I find a cure, hopefully. I gave up smoking the day it happened, which was three years ago, and haven't touched it since. The only why my psych was able to help me out was by prescribing clonazepam. It was a blessing until, you know, I got hooked like everyone else. It seemed to slow me down a bit. It took the edge off, but being a socially gimped zombie wasn't what I wanted. After a year I wanted to speed things up, so that's what I asked for; Adderall. I started at 30 and was at 50 within a month. Sometimes I wonder if I would make a better psychiatrist. But, I asked for it, and I knew what I was getting myself into. Whether I have ADD or not, I enjoyed Adderall and have been taking it for over a year (clonazepam for two years). After tolerance built up though, all I was left with was blue hands and feet. I've gone down to 40 milligrams and am really hitting the wall. I need to get to the point; this is only the addiction portion. My life now: I rarely leave the house (or even my room for that matter), take college courses online, write, and draw. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I simply don't want to. I do fear conversations though, or people in general. I can't make eye contact with anyone, lose my words between each sentence, and can see myself from their POV. All of this makes me (or how I see me) look like a stuttering, paranoid person with schizophrenia. The only times I leave the house are when I have to, and I rarely take my Klonopin during the day due to the zombie hazes. I have a feeling the Adderall has contributed to a mix of OCD and OCPD. Matter of fact, I believe all of the symptoms that make me a completely dysfunctional individual are due to drugs. The weed started the engine and the pharmaceuticals added fuel to it. I'm trying to wean off of everything slowly right now but it's still a disaster. I just want to be able to make a simple phone call without writing down what I'm going to say first. I'm tired of leaving earth at a family dinner. And I'm tired of needing to carry a pocket-full of pills everywhere I go, if I go. Any comments, questions, or answers to why I define every anxiety disorder in the DSM-5 will be greatly appreciated.
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