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About SchizoHH

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    I have lost interest in just about everything.

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  1. Just mentioned in my last post that I had a med increase. Forgot to mention I can't focus at all at work because of it. I hate this.
  2. Been having an increase in symptoms (voices, paranoia) and pdoc increased my risperdal by .5 MG and as a prn when things get bad. So, I have that fuzzy new med feeling going on. But the symptoms have cleared up. I even started dieting and exercising again finally. On an off note, I have been drinking a lot and am so pissed at myself for doing it. It increases my symptoms, I can't afford it, and it is horrible to drink around the kids... But there I go.... Maybe the increase in meds will give me more self control.
  3. In my opinion THIS is the worst thing about schizophrenia. Even when you are doing well you still question every fucking thought in your head. You are on an endless ride of reality checks and self-doubt. This is what drives you crazy more than anything else. At least the delusions are logical to you at the time they are happening.
  4. When I was severely delusional I had absolutely no clue. Now that I am on meds I can definitely tell what is a symptom and what is not. Basically it feels like I start to go down this long tunnel into a dream world and out of reality. Sometimes I can snap myself out of it. Other times I come back on my own after 15 minutes or so.
  5. Sorry to hear this Melissa. Sounds like he has really had a bad time of it. I hope things turn around.
  6. I know, right? Actually it makes sense. The world actually makes more sense to me. Here is an example. About six months ago I took my daughter to get a cat at the shelter. There were all these people around, petting the cats, etc. And I noticed that someone had taken the time to develop really elaborate and artistic posters about the cats. All I could do was think... Who would waste that much time? But now that I know what intense love feels like it makes sense to me. This might be a goofy example but it is the best one I can think of right now. Sad that it took me to 48 years old to feel anything. I do love my kids, but my feelings in the past have been more about shielding them from harm or protecting them (paranoia) and also having fun, but I recently have felt a different kind of love for them too. A much sweeter feeling.
  7. So, here is an insight I just had. Tell me what you think. I have most likely had schizophrenia all my life, but it just recently manifested itself due to age, stress, whatever. Anyway, one of the symptoms of schizophrenia is flat affect. Maybe I have had flat affect my whole life and now, with meds, I am experiencing emotions for the first time in my life really. Because I swear I have never felt these things before. In fact, I always felt rather disconnected from things and could never figure out why people got so emotional over things - even big things. The only emotion I know of feeling before is fear.
  8. I don't know if it's the meds or the illness but I have horrible nightmares as well. They are very scary and very realistic. Then when I wake up, the voices are laughing at me. How fucked up is that?
  9. Exactly. If you haven't been through it you have no idea what it is. There is so much more to it than the cut and dry positive or negative symptoms that are written in books in my opinion. With depression it is even harder for people to understand in my opinion. I try to explain schizophrenia to my husband as imagine you were living in a nightmare or a dream, but it is real and you are living in it awake. That is what it feels like. My own personal belief is that whatever the mechanism that separates the dream state and awake state is broken in Schizophrenics. You are dreaming while awake basically. The voices you hear in a dream are not that different than the voices I hear during an episode. Also, the dream can go on for months, even years. I am beginning to ramble but this is just my theory anyway.
  10. Thanks. That is what I was wondering. Is it just me who experiences these intense emotions? Or is that part of the illness for everyone? Maybe it is me afterall.
  11. The answer is.... I force myself to do it. Luckily for me I am not so far gone that I completely lose reality and just not take one because I am in my own little world. I just fucking hate it. Even now, when I am doing well basically, I hate it. Strange isn't it?
  12. I think knowing what is real and what are symptoms is Soooo difficult. I know that is difficult, but can you so some reality checks in some way? This helps me at times.
  13. It's been about a year since my last episode and I am feeling pretty good. I started to research schizophrenia and have read a few books on the subject. One symptom I think these books are missing is the intense emotions Schizophrenic feel; anger, rage, love, sadness. Do you experience this as well? When the books have been very insightful for the most part I end up thinking... Ugh, they don't get it! Where they fail is in deciding what behaviors are caused by the disease and what behaviors are due to your inherent "personality." In reality, and in my opinion, when you have schizophrenia, it is your personality. It is practically impossible to divorce the two. What do you think?
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