Hester

Thank you, though I have had sleep paralysis before & it was completely different. I was wide awake & didn't fall asleep at any point, just felt physically & mentally 'stuck'. I even looked at it maybe being some kind of fit, but the symptoms don't match that either. It's so weird. I think I saw that somewhere too, I'll have to try & find more on it. Though I had this idea that catatonia was always more long term. I might be wrong.

This has only happened to me a few times before, but it happened again a couple of weeks ago. I can't find anything online to explain what happens to me. I suddenly really really depressed. I was already low, but it was a massive drop into an abyss. I started having bad intrusive thoughts and I lay down on my bed. My body went stiff and I couldn't move. I was in some kind of catatonia. I could hear things going on around me but couldn't respond. I was like it for hours. I wasn't scared, I was too spaced out. The next day I still felt very slow & vacant. I went to the doctor but

Pretty paranoid at the moment. Need to go out today to meet a friend, go to the doctor and do the food shopping. Feeling quite uncomfortable when I'm outside, and pretty bad when I'm inside too. Only been out of hospital 2-3 weeks and still struggling.

I apparently have sza but that is a label the psychiatrist gave to best describe my presentation. Personally, I know that there is something very different or 'special' about me that they won't ever understand, but I see it as viewing the world from a higher or different place. I almost feel I am in a different league, perhaps not even being of this world. I feel this very strongly. I am only disordered in the eyes of the rest of the world. I think I'm gifted.

I was BP1 and then was re diagnosed as sza. The thing that got me that dx was because I started to have powerful delusions about my brain rotting away and that the meds had something to do with it. All the while, however, I was not depressed and I was also not manic. Plus I have paranoia outside of a mood state also, and some hallucinations. I hope you're doing well @aura - long time!

I'm being admitted to hospital. See you on the other side.

I'll make it there tomorrow. Just whether they send me straight to IP because of how I'm feeling - that happened last time. Though maybe not. At least I'll be assessed etc.

I'm on a suicide online chat right now, not that it's the biggest help. I start PHP in the morning yeah. Hopefully they won't straight IP me lol.

Feeling a tad suicidal this evening. Trying to ride the wave.

Be kind to yourself @aura Concentrate on getting through the rest of today if you can. Use PRN? Pdoc will be in contact in the morning.

PRN?

Bless you @aura Yes, just focus on today. Good plan. Sending you support. We can compare notes about our days on Monday evening. I'm sure it'll be good and positive.

That's a great idea @aura I LOVE the fact I can email my pdoc too. It's so handy. Something is definitely going on with you, from what you've been saying over the last few days. Hopefully he'll get back to you quick with some solutions or help at least. Just get through today. Be kind to yourself.

I feel pretty pissed off and bored. Husband is asleep so I'm waiting to watch the movie we were going to watch. Feeling anxious too about the dinner we are going to this afternoon. I just don't want to be sociable. Plus I start PHP tomorrow and I just want to fast forward Sunday so I can start dealing with tomorrow. Anxiety about that too.

Neighbors mowing lawns and my husband snoring on the sofa. Exciting stuff.