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Devotchka

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About Devotchka

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    Antisocial Lepidopterist

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  • Gender
    female
  • Location
    Neverwhere
  • Interests
    Writing, dance, photography

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  1. Hi everyone. Back on these boards after being gone awhile. So, my anxiety hasn't been an issue in some time - I haven't needed an Rx of Ativan in years - I've weaned off the Gabapentin about 6 months ago (it gives me weird breast pain) and I've managed to deal with things via self-management for awhile. Took years and years. I have PTSD due to past child abuse and the death of my son seven years ago this June. However. I'm in a live-in relationship with a fellow bipolar who is just beginning to manage his illness, and he's doIng it because he knows he must in order to be in the relationship. He's trying. He quit drinking, is going to his pdoc, is compliant with meds. But as he just started recently he is not optimized and hates talk therapy so quit after just a couple sessions. He has anger issues and becomes verbally and emotionally abusive towards me when he gets hypomanic. And I am having severe anxiety for the first time in just...forever. I don't really know what to do. I'm having severe PTSD reactions when he comes up behind me to put his arms around me - I jump. I am crying all the time when I'm alone. My stomach is a wreck. I feel sick. I feel my heart racing right now i really don't want to go back on meds! He has agreed to couples counseling. I'm hoping this helps. She does DBT therapy. But I feel like I don't know how to separate myself emotionally from him when he is symptomatic. I know it's his illness and he is working towards getting better and it is early on and I should be patient and not take it personally but it is making me so anxious and depressed as well. I thought I had better coping skills than this. Can I get through this without meds? I am wondering if I should ask for some for the time being until he is stabilized. i feel like this post is balancing the fine line of belonging here and in the relationship thread sorry if it's in the wrong place This sucks.
  2. Devotchka

    Devotchka

    One Pill Makes You Larger...
  3. Worked out my upper body today - free weights and Pilates band thingies. Yesterday I walked for an hour and a half in the forest.
  4. I miss it, too. I was gone for a long time as well, and loved chat. And could use it myself right about now. A pox on the asshats that made it necessary to take it down...
  5. Found a DBT-based couples therapist in my area. Suggested said couples therapy today to highly therapy resistant BF. And he is willing to discuss! Ate breakfast.
  6. Also, perhaps you haven't hit the right FORM of therapy. Have you tried CBT? It's supposed to be quite effective for anxiety. Just an idea. I know that the one size fits all approach just doesn't cut it for most. Plain old therapy is pointless for my bipolar s/o. We are going to give DBT a shot because of its purported effectiveness with our flavor MI. Good luck!
  7. Yes, you're quite right - i only take pure CBD in crystal form that has absolutely no THC in it, because i am actually allergic to it - it makes me quite psychotic, quite literally. I have schizoaffective disorder as well (which i just realized i need to put in my signature). The person i get it from gets it for himself to deal with his crippling anxiety, and has it available for people withdrawing from drug addiction as well. I asked about the THC content specifically and it has none. I feel it immediately. I can tolerate about 5% in medical grade formulas. One definitely has to be sure of one's source! I find the OTC stuff does zilch for my pain, unfortunately. I was taking Ultram for it but prefer strong CBD instead. I use the oil all the time in my food and skincare, though. Great for my skin and overall health!
  8. My son died of an accidental overdose, so i understand the terror you went through. Thank you. It's been seven years this month, sometimes it seems unreal to me that it's been that long already...he was 19. It was methadone, a tainted batch he got on the street. Wow, let's see - the last time i was hypo? God i can't even remember. I mean i get anxiety still - that and depression due to the stuff with my boyfriend. So all the fun stuff :/. I still get mania on occasion, just super-mild when the depression bounces back for a minute - moreso when i was on Wellbutrin, so i recently quit that stuff. I take it intermittently when the depression gets too deep, like around anniversary times or when the s/o has been really bad for awhile...i've been in hospital but never jail! My boyfriend was in for 5 years though. At least those days are long in the past for him. So i have to give him much credit for being so much more stable than he once was. This illness is such a joy. I will definitely message you - friends on here are always a good thing. I take "Dopamax" too, lol! The first two times i was on it i lost weight. Now, no. Sigh. I had to stop because i lost my insurance those two times. Grr. But i take it for migraines and seizures. It's a wonder drug indeed. Now i am getting breakthrough headaches which sucks but i suspect once i get into ketosis again they'll go away, like the last time i was on this eating plan. It's good for seizures too. But i'll still need the topiramate as a mood stabilizer. It's a great drug. Lol, i'm terrible reading profiles too! I didn't put my year of birth on my profile anyway because i'm vain, haha! But i'm in my 40s - i tend to get away with lying about it via omission, due to good Lithuanian genes lol. I've been fooling myself that i'm still in my early 30's because everyone else seems to think i am. But you're right, seriously, things do change but i never thought my weight would be one of them! Even with the Hashis! Delusion is a dangerous thing. You're also right that the diet and exercise are totally working. It's coming off - it was just a question of the right foods. Autoimmune people tend to really react badly to carbohydrates and i had forgotten about that somehow. Or gotten lazy. Or both. Congratulations on your 20 lbs!!! That's really awesome! Maybe we can be weight loss buddies!? I only take CBD that i get through...ahem..."alternative sources" lol. He gets the real stuff and it's powerful. I have had medical CBD too in the past, again via alternative sources. It's hard to get an Rx in this part of the country when you're on Medicaid. I work for myself so can't get normal insurance on my income. It's a problem but hey, i do what i can. It sounds like you're doing pretty awesome yourself! Overspending can be a problem for me, too - but only on, as you say, "healthy" things these days. No more bars for me. I spend on things like healthy foods and supplements. You're about to get a new job? That's great! I'll have to message you for juicy details re: that and your date...;)
  9. Dorkpixie - thank you so much! Oh, man - i suppose most of my life, really - but i've had the diagnosis for about six years. I got it in the hospital dealing with depression after the death of my son. It made so much sense! Explained so many things, so many years of suffering. You have fibro as well? I have it too - or rather i have what they think is fibro as a result of chronic Lyme. Meh, who knows. The end result is pretty much the same. I have Hashimoto's as well, so i totally understand the issues with exercise. It can be so hard! Add a good bout of depression on top of that, and it's a big ol' pile of NOPE some days. I can only imagine how tough that would have been, hearing that from your husband - pardon me for saying it, but what an ass! I don't understand why some people have to be so cruel. Going through a rough time myself, and the depression from it is hitting pretty hard. Situational depression triggering chemical depression - such a delight! I went from 117 lbs (my baseline is 117 - 123) to 148 in the space of several months in the past year, due to the Hashi's. I got super depressed about that. Dancers tend to freak about that stuff :/. Now i'm down to about 133 or so and counting in the past two weeks, with a good portion of it being muscle, from being on back the Keto diet. I find it really helps with my health issues and gives me more energy/makes me less symptomatic. I tend to get obsessive about things and so it gives me something healthy to focus on, being a recovering bulimic as well. Ugh, and the weed! Holy shit, it makes me hear voices and ruminate too - it's so bad. It makes me convinced that i am the most logical person in my high state, and that logic tells me that i am the biggest asshole in the world and every thing i've done in my life leads to me being a sociopath that deserves to die. Just...no. Stuff is bad. CBD, the non-psychotropic stuff, on the other hand, is wonderful for my all-over pain. Yeah, i've decided alcohol and i just need to part ways, pretty much. Every single time i drink i get a headache anyway, so what is the point? I always feel much better when i don't take that weekend drink of wine, so why bother? And let's face it - psych meds and booze are generally a no-no anyway. And i LIKE me on my meds. With the shit i'm going through right now with my S/O, i NEED to be at my sanest. I have to be my rational self at my best right now. Not that i don't always need to be, but especially now. Coping skills are what keep us alive and kicking, despite the bullshit. My stress levels are so high right now, but i'm NOT needing the hospital and i'm NOT thinking of purging or hurting myself. And that in itself is a pretty big deal.
  10. Without the proper meds-cocktail and communication with your doctor, it's obviously incredibly rough - i had to suffer for a long time before i finally got on the right cocktail. It's been a couple of years since i've rapid-cycled, but at the time, i learned to understand what my triggers were; alcohol, relationship stress, and anniversary of a certain death all were bad triggers for me. They still are, but with my meds being in proper working order, the swings are far less intense - and i rarely drink now (if i do, it's in moderation). Also, i learned that i have a very bad reaction to THC. Many of us do. I know a lot of people don't like to talk about the fact that they mix their meds with alcohol and weed, but let's face it, many people do, and many should not. In fact, most shouldn't, lol. In any case, being mindful of my cycles, and my triggers which took writing things down. Also, making the Herculean effort to step back from myself and tell myself that what i'm experiencing is not ME, but a state of my MIND. Taking a breath, and doing something that would distract from the immediacy of the moment. Read, or watch a movie, or if that took too much concentration, take a walk, or since i am a dancer and a writer, i'd do one of those things depending upon which of those releases seemed like it would help me feel better. Work out. Physical release does wonders. But above all, do ALL YOU CAN to separate youSELF from your STATE OF MIND. I am not saying, again, that this is at all easy. But it was a life saver for me. And it helps me now with my s/o, who is still struggling with his Bipolar illness and has not yet found stability, as he is still new in his treatment. I try to tell him this, and remind him that he is not his moods. So often it feels like we are caught in this hurricaine of emotions - if we could only be like Dorothy, in the relatively calm centre in the safe little house with Toto until the storm passes, we know we are safe, no matter what...
  11. *Dives in headfirst* So, i haven't been around in quite some time - i've been feeling stable for a long time, meds have been on track, etc.. and life has been so very busy. I've moved in with my boyfriend, i'm back working in the care-giving field with a young schizophrenic boy, i'm doing photography again (!), etc, etc...and even doing more writing. Boy, things are kind of slowed down around here, eh? Anyway, though, it's not like things have been all roses. The Man is also bipolar, and isn't in a stable place - just started treatment just a few months ago, and his episodes seem to be fairly regular...like clockwork, almost. Which, because he can become delusional and quite unpleasant at times when in the throes of an episode, trigger some terrible things in ME. It's SO important for me to be vigilant with my meds right now - i'm needing my PRN risperdone a lot more lately, which makes me sad, just to deal with the stress lately. He's going through a rough patch which means I'M going through a rough patch. It makes me feel so unstable, which i normally don't feel anymore. It's frightening. Hate the disease, right? I do, so much. It's weird how easily i forgot how it feels to be unstable - i'm known as being such a down to earth, steady, unshakable person. The person who used to fly off the handle and lose her shit and be impulsive and reckless hasn't been around in a long time - i don't want her back around. But i've lost my temper at him twice now in the past two weeks because he lost his shit at me when he was hypomanic. Generally i'm able to recognize that he's having a delusional episode and keep it together. I'm disappointed in myself. I KNOW he's not rational during these moments. I think i was angry more at the fact that he was avoiding calling his doctor...and i was the one suffering the consequences. But last night we were able to have a rational discussion and agree to a plan of action - for both of us. So i feel like things are back on track. I think the only way a relationship with two MI people can work, really work, is if both are in treatment and actively working on their mental health - being self aware and talking honestly about what's going on, and able to own up to each other when they have hurt each other. He apologized for the latest incident, i cried with the kittens in my lap for awhile, then we snuggled and talked some more, with him really being open about how he was feeling in his head. And more apologies. Those moments are important so i don't feel like i'm losing my mind entirely. I don't want to end up back in the bins - three times in is plenty for me, thanks. I just need to keep centered. This too shall pass...
  12. It's been 3 days since i've binged and purged!!! Being here and talking to you guys, having my boyfriend to be accountable to (as well as his love and support, obviously), the meds,and being careful to eat very healthy and small portions has all worked to curb the urge...i'm just going to continue to take it one day at a time. It hasn't been very easy, as i'm constantly nauseous every time i eat, even, at times, when i don't; but i'm determined not to get back on that mad, screaming Hell-donkey. It seems that WHAT i eat really makes a difference, as well. Staying away from fatty, greasy foods, sugary foods, and large portions seems key. Meat can sometimes gross me out - not always, but often. It's a weird brain-dance. Thanks so much for the kind support - it means so much to be able to come here and know there will always be someone who will offer some real support, and not just empty words. This place is like home; i knew i could come back, like some wayward teenager, and everything would be just as i left it.
  13. That is such a good thing to hear, Melissaw. I thought i was recovered for years at a time, then went back to it, twice. You can imagine how terribly discouraging that feels. Today, i went to my psych-nurse and she helped me get on some Prozac and reinforced that i needed to be on Topamax, which seems to keep me B/P free. I just started taking it again, she says it will take a bit to kick in, but i have hope that my support system and willpower will pick up the slack in the interim. I haven't purged today, so that's somethiing!
  14. Gear, darling, Gear! <3 Thanks for the kind replies, Melissaw and empty (and of course, Gear!). I came clean to the b/f last night, and he was extremely understanding and worried and gentle about it. He knows about my history with Bulimia/anorexia, and actually asked if the issues we've been having have triggered (argh, that bloody word) me at all. No, didn't ask, went ahead and said he knew it was a factor. Promised to continue to work harder at said issues, which to his credit, he has been anyway. It's not been just him, and it's not like i can blame everyone and everything around me. It's me. I'm sick. I'm going to the doc today (good grief, i've been away so long i've forgotten the jargon here - anyway my headshrinker, lol). And i'm coming clean. And i went back on the Dopamax, which helps control the B/P cycle, should never have gone off it in the first place. If i have to hock a lung to keep paying for it til my insurance kicks in. WIsh me luck. And good luck to you, Empty, as well - it's a lifelong fight, i think. The teeth thing is my main reason for fighting as well...it's awful! Well, that and death. Don't care to do that just yet, either.
  15. Told the b/f about the return of extracurricular bingeing/purging activies. Didn't kill me. 

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