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theswordandthepen

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About theswordandthepen

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    England

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  1. I think I need to read this like every day until it sinks in. Thank you.
  2. I wrote this post once already, but the site somehow logged me out in the middle of writing it, so I lost it when I was trying to publish it. This is probably going to be a shorter version of that post now. TL;DR: I want to know that wanting to move out from my family home doesn't make me a horrible or ungrateful person, even if my family aren't abusive, because the environment overall is not good for me. Context: After moving out to uni 3 years ago, I've had to drop out and come home to live with my mum and two older sisters. In a lot of ways, I am very much looked after - my mum does a family meal every day (if not my sisters), she does the laundry, and she drives us around if we need to go out most of the time. I live here rent free while I'm not earning. However, my mum really does not "get" my disabilities, and often makes comparisons of the "if they can do it, why can't you" type. My oldest sister is actively antagonistic, saying that I don't have PTSD, I don't have bipolar, and my chronic pain isn't that bad or is flat out an excuse. She thinks I lied/exaggerated/misled the doctors who diagnosed me. As a survivor of a gaslighting abusive relationship, not being able to name my experiences and be believed really messes me up. I'm also completely isolated here, because my friends and partner live hours away. I have only seen them twice since early June. Public transport here is infrequent and expensive, and there's nowhere really to go. Moving out: There is a houseshare I have to pay rent for in my university city regardless of whether or not I live there. I would be sharing a house with friends who have known me for a few years and who have seen me at my worst, health-wise. I would also be nearer to my girlfriend, and living in a much more physically accessible city and able to independently get around. My mother is all for me moving out, but believes I should get a full time job in order to pay for it, and I should live here with her until I've found one. Given that I had to drop out of uni, I don't think I have the ability to hold down a full-time job right now. An alternative is that I move out and recieve disability benefit (and subsequent housing support), and look for part-time work to supplement that, while knowing that my ability to buy food is not immediately dependent on it. I feel like I'm getting the impression a lot that going on disability would make me a bad person, that it's ungrateful and insulting to my mother, and that it's not what my family want me to do. I really need some reassurance that I am allowed to seek out independence in a way that is good for me, even if it's against my family's wishes, because I know better about my health than they do; and that I can still be a good daughter and a good person while making my own decisions about my life and health that don't involve them.
  3. If it helps, meat is not actually the one and only way to get decent protein in your diet? (Also, hi, same. Slightly broader diet, but this is largely my struggle. Most foods repulse me, or make me incredibly anxious. Textures are a huge deal.) If you look up vegetarian and vegan sources of protein, you'll hopefully find something with a more tolerable texture. I personally eat a fair amount of Quorn escalopes, which is a mushroom-based meat substitute, but it doesn't have the same texture as meat, and you can buy it like, breaded with mozzarella, which I presume is familiar to you if you're good with pizza. Protein powders are also a thing, and you can add them to other foods or drink them with shakes. I don't know what your access to primary healthcare is like, but you may be able to see a dietitician, or at least get blood tests to find out what your body is most deficient in and prioritise that. It'd be a shame to use a lot of emotional energy trying to correct your protein intake, only to find you have folic acid anaemia or something like that. Aside from offering non-meat alternatives for protein, I've found that trying to eat things similar to what I already eat was the least difficult way of expanding my diet. I like pasta and cheese, so I tried pasta and cheese and a small bit of bolognese. From there, a larger portion of bolognese, and from there, lasagna. Finding relationships between foods and being able to go "well this should work like that" helps me, a lot. I hope this is helpful!
  4. my input here is purely anecdotal, so take it with a large pinch of salt, because I have no idea what the actual medical relation (if any) is between ADHD and Abilify that said! when I was on Abilify I could not focus, at all, I couldn't even read a magazine from start to finish, and I was bored and frustrated to the point of tears a lot of the time because I could not pay attention to pretty much anything I don't have a formal diagnosis of ADHD, but I do very much have problems with executive function, and I am going to be trying to acquire a diagnosis and treatment soon my diagnosis status aside, Abilify certainly did ruin my ability to focus while I was on it, so that kind of effect is in at least one other case not entirely unheard of I would entirely encourage you to bring it up with your pdoc though, they may have some better insight
  5. So I did end up going to the friend's flat beforehand and was more okay with the idea, and then the day of the actual party, That Guy turns up. Turns out they had mutual friends. So that was ironic. I left and was ultimately okay by the end of the night, but now his face just keeps popping into my head? I haven't seen him up close properly for... 2 years? maybe? For him to then be literally within touching distance because his spatial awareness is shit and he bumped into me while I was trying to make my way out of the room. (He didn't seem to recognise me, so at least I wasn't dragged into conversation and/or a fight). So, like, in all the big and important ways: I'm coping! No self destructive coping mechanisms, minimal nightmares, etc. etc. But... I cannot stop thinking about him and his stupid face and that "oh shit" moment of recognition. So that sucks.
  6. So, one of my traumas took place with a person who lived on my university campus, but in a different building to mine (we can call him That Guy). Two years later, I make friends with somebody who lives in the same kind of accommodation. I don't realise at first, because of the way the buildings are named, but when I got there for a party, I immediately began panicking. I felt like I was in two places at once, the-building-where-I-was-now, and the-building-of-two-years-ago-with-That-Guy. The new friend lets me hide in hide in his bedroom from the main party (I said I was getting claustrophobic), and I calmed down enough to realise that I was not going to have a good night if I stayed, so I made my goodbyes. New Friend was totally understanding and nice, and has anxiety too, so even if he didn't know it was trauma related, he still was really good about it. I definitely want to continue spending time with New Friend. However. New Friend has invited me to another party, in a week's time, that will most likely take place in his building. Now, the building is safe. New Friend (as far as I can tell) is safe. That Guy does not live in that building. This is just an association trigger. Does anybody have any advice on how to handle this so that I can try and enjoy a party without feeling terrified and out of time? I know that it's that building, now, whereas I was caught by surprise last time, and I was also already tispy when I got there, which wasn't conducive for a clear state of mind. So, if I go to this party, I do have the advantage on those two counts. But, I'm still kind of panicky about it. Any advice?
  7. Chickenlips: I accept your apology, thanks for not pushing it. Jarn: I tried Abilify before, and had such a time with it that I refused to go on any other antipsychotic, atypical or otherwise. My psychiatrist agreed that, as it usually has such a low side effects profile, I'd likely not do well with the other kinds. I have also have too many issues of principle (words?) for me to ever be truly comfortable taking them, as I know that at the very least I would have compliance issues. I just don't like them as a class of drug, at all, for rational and irrational reasons. I will likely be getting back on to the meds I was on before as soon as I can, the health issues weren't caused by the medication, they just resulted in me stopping. Those have more or less cleared up now, so I will likely be resuming when I am next in contact with my psychiatrist. Which is soon, hopefully, I'm waiting on a new appointment letter.
  8. I don't mean to be rude, but I explicitly said in my second post in this thread that I didn't want to hear from people who believe in demons as part of their faith. I do not need you to affirm the things I'm paranoid about. I'm sure you meant well, but I don't appreciate it. Thanks to everyone else who replied, though. I don't really have the spoons to respond properly, but I see you and acknowledge you, and thanks.
  9. It's a really lovely idea to tell my tdoc, but I'm not lucky enough to have one. There is... faff, with the NHS, and what I'm entitled to, and how/when. I have a care coordinator, technically, who I never see, and I could probably ask to see her, but I don't know what she would do. I do definitely need to see my pdoc again though, I agree. In the meantime, does anybody have any short-term coping techniques? At the very least so I can go to sleep, it's 3am and I'm tired but I'm anxious. I don't have any anxiety PRNs or anything.
  10. Yeah honestly given the whole "not having a schizoaffective diagnosis" thing, I think that's a diagnostic loophole because I never had no insight, so they labelled it "quasipsychosis" and did nothing with it. "some sort of PTSD related to your psychoses" is possibly going to make me cry, my mental illness can't feed my mental illness, how on earth is that fair? (These are fair things for you to say, I'm just like... ugh, why. Thankyou for commenting, though.) Oh also, I'm going to say this because I didn't up there: If anybody who want to comment does believe in demons as part of their faith or spirituality - please don't tell me. I don't want to be told this is a spiritual experience, at all.
  11. (Hi so - I don't have a diagnosis of schizoaffective or anything, but my bipolar disorder has included delusions and hallucinations before, so that's the context I'm coming here with. If that's still out of place, I apologise, and won't begrudge having the thread moved.) Demons freak me out. When I had a psychotic episode last year, I hallucinated demons. It was horrible. I've always kind of had a fear of demons/hell-related stuff, because... they're just scary, they're meant to be scary, they're bad. Whenever I'm anywhere in the realm of psychosis though, it gets way worse. I'm terrified of seeing deformed faces in the windows, and will refuse to even look at them just in case. This is especially un-fun when it's late at night, and of course the windows will reflect my own image in the dark. Even if I can reality check to the extent of "I don't believe in demons", because they're not part of any faith I practice (though I had a Christian upbringing), I'm still like "well yeah but you also hallucinate so", and thus, the fear continues. It's not just windows/mirrors (though those are culprits), because I also just saw them flat out walking into my room, or standing over my bed. I'm not sure in what way I'm meant to alleviate this kind of anxiety, because it seems to be a mixture of both spiritual fear and also knowing that I'm not always well. My current coping mechanisms are distraction (and if necessary trying to make myself feel more physically safe, so having my back against a wall so I know there's nothing behind me), but that's... not always enough? This isn't anything that I've ever spoken to a tdoc about because of how my episodes have timed themselves and when I've had access to a tdoc, so even the most obvious seeming advice would be welcome. I did consider doing some secular witch-y stuff in case it could just be a coping ritual even if I didn't quite invest myself in the "magic" part, like envisaging protection circles or something, but another thing I worry about is that my thoughts are powerful in some way, and the idea of doing something wrong and possibly inviting in demons/bad energy that I hadn't before may well make me more anxious than if I hadn't done anything. This is probably a huge ramble, but if anyone can parse anything from it worth responding to, I would appreciate it.
  12. Oh god, really? I'm going to cry. It would be horrible to be dizzy for 3 more years.
  13. Yeah, a lithium level is the first thing they made me do when I told them I wasn't feeling well, and it was pretty low. Even lower now, because I accidentally stopped taking it. The doctor did explain to me all the results - so-and-so tests came out fine, so-and-so tests came out high, etc. I have as much information as he does, it's just... not a lot of information. I'm stil kind of "hm" about the whole thing, but I'm slightly more chilled about it than I was earlier. If two weeks of taking the folic acid supplement he's prescribed doesn't do anything though, I will revert back to previous higher levels of "hm".
  14. Thanks for your support, guys. I was waiting to reply to this until I had my test results, which I got four days later than they said - "urgent" my ass. I'm... not really satisfied? I've got an infection, according to the blood tests, but I don't have any other symptoms of infection, so we don't know what's infected, and there's nothing they want me to do other than boost my folic acid intake, because that's low too. Sit and wait, and re-test in two weeks, basically, with a non-diagnosis that doesn't explain half the symptoms, and an inability to leave the house for fear of falling. I'm glad the results weren't imminent death or anything, obviously, but I'm not really satisfied with the explanation/treatment I've got here. I'm peeved, and dizzy.
  15. I find it helps to talk aloud to other people, if I can? Usually a solution pops up as soon as I've put it out there in words, even before anybody else has provided input. If that's not an option, I'll go "Okay, later", and just... drop that question entirely for the time being. Decisions will usually make themselves in the back of my head, and otherwise often just the act of trying to only think about that decision means it just turns into a weird mental tornado of indecision.
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