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Hopelessly Broken

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Everything posted by Hopelessly Broken

  1. Also, I must apologise, because it was my initial post that derailed this thread into the place it went. Whilst it is clear that the stigma would have been there without it, I'm not so sure that it would have been as extreme. That's not to say that it or any of my posts do not have value, or lack importance as input, but unfortunately, I have far too much experience with how me simply bringing my autistic being and experience to the table attracts such things, even though that is definitely not what I intended by any means. Also, I would like to say that there are aspects to my social needs and behaviour that are more "extreme" and prominent than even other autistic people's, namely my lack of interest in interaction and the degree of social anhedonia that I have, as well as the detachment and extreme introversion I have that means that I personally do not possess very much interest in, or care for companionship, and personally value my solitude, independence and privacy far more. Additionally, I do not possess any interest in romance or intimate relationships. There are other aspects of both who I am, and my life, as well as illnesses that contribute to all of the above. Me being this way does not mean that other autistic people are the same, despite the misconception that we are a bunch of identical robots. It is called a spectrum for a reason, all of us have the different traits and behaviours that make up autism to different degrees of prominence, and for me, those just happen to be the ones that are most prominent. Child abuse signifcantly altered the way I developed as a child, I missed out on being given and shown love and affection, and proper human connection and attachment, and as such, I have a dismissive attachment style that is consistent with such upbringing, in addition to being autistic. Complex trauma has significantly impacted every aspect of my life and functioning, much more than autism ever will. But yes, it is true, that even so, I also have a small need for mutual interaction, acceptance and understanding from other people, and to know and be able to interact with people like me. Just because my social needs are rather minute, it does not mean they do not require management, even if it is a different kind of management. And for what its worth, just because I am not interested in intimacy, romance or relationships, and do not have a need for love and affection, that does not mean autistic people are incapable of such things, and that all of us are like me, because we are not, and those of us who do wish to have and be provided with such things deserve it, and deserve to be respected as people.
  2. Reading the way this person speaks about autistic people was enough to cause me to vomit uncontrollably and collapse on the floor, unable to move for hours, and when I was finally able to wake up and move, the severity of the graphic flashbacks was disorienting. That is the kind of damage that can be caused by people like this. And I am alive, I have known many autistic people who died because of this. I was there. To the people with the other diagnoses, you deserve better, you are just as important, of value and worthwhile as everyone else in this world. Your illness does not, and never will change that. You are not less or inferior. You are people, just like everyone else. I cannot say myself that I understand what its like to have a psychotic illness, but I do know what its like to be literally dehumanised and treated like less. It is disgusting, and no one deserves it. Take care.
  3. Actually, I openly accept that people may have been offended, even though no offense was implied. Also, you do realise that autistic people are people, right? And that we can also have those illnesses? I am one of them, and as Cerberus stated, so is he. As for your comment that I apparently cannot know the wishes of neurotypical people, you obviously did not read my initial post. I have been abused and neglected because of them. People have literally tried to murder me because of them. So, yes I am very much capable of being aware of neurotypical people's wishes and needs. Respect goes both ways, though, and I can count the amount of times I have had my own respected by neurotypical people with less than a hand of fingers. To demand respect from me shows your privilege, and it is damned ugly. Again, autistic people are people, we exist in this cesspit society as well, therefore our input is just as important as neurotypical people's. Implying that I am, and that we are somehow less of people is what earned you the fuck you I gave. I do not say that to many people, despite how much others have abused me. But I refuse to let people treat me, and autistic people as a whole, in such a manner without holding them to account. I suggest you check your privilege before it bites you in the ass or you trip over it. I am done here. People like you make me wish I could set myself on fire and burn to dust, and make me wonder why I should want to be a part of, or anything to do with, the human race.
  4. Most people would also give a crap about being included in the term "most people". That is how humans work, apparently. Just like humans are "supposed to be" social creatures. Hence why I consider such things redundant.
  5. No offense, but this kind of statement is a large reason why I couldn't care less about being "socially normal" and find the definition of what is in the neurotypical sense bordering on ridiculous. To answer the question, though, I consider myself to be fairly "socially normal", for an autistic person, and I guarantee that my mental health and overall life, not to mention my sense of identity and self-worth as an autistic person are far better than what they were during my childhood, wherein I was forced into trying to fit into that ridiculous definition, and taught to absolutely hate myself, be ashamed and disgusted of who I am and to utterly disregard my needs and way of being, socially and otherwise, taught to believe I deserve nothing other than punishment because of it, and to accept that it would be OK if I died, because at least I wouldn't be a burden anymore. I am one of many autistic adults like this, and such child abuse is a large reason I became ill. I have been severely ill for the majority of my life and I am glad to say I am no longer in that place where my social differences because of who I am are anything but things that make me who I am, and I would not trade them for anything. In the neurotypical sense, I will never be "socially normal", and yes, I do consider it to be massively overrated, and no longer give a care in the world about being or appearing as such, because it would be a complete disrespect and defiance of both who I am and all the abuse I have suffered, which is no measure of proper mental health. No, I am not happy, doubt I ever will be, and I don't give a care about that, either. But I accept myself as an autistic person, and I am more than content and at peace with the ways it makes me, because that is exactly who and what I am supposed to be. Not shoved into some box for the majority's or someone else's pleasure and gain, and not being forced to meet standards and expectations that are not designed for me, and the actual brain I have. I know that my social and interpersonal behaviour, is, and always will be, disturbing and incomprehensible to most neurotypical people. That is what causes actual loneliness and alienation, not the way I am in and of itself. And I have learnt to accept that is their problem, if so, not mine and not my responsibility. There are far more important things in life. So as far as being "socially normal" goes, and as far as statements like that go, they can go and fuck themselves, as far as I am concerned. I didn't literally almost lose my life to bend myself to such redundant labels and expectations from others. But I will always be a minority. Suffice to say that I am fairly certain a lot of other autistic adults would and do agree with me, at least to some degree, but are just not as assertive as I am about it. This whole desperate need for others, constant reassurance and reciprocity is something I will never understand.
  6. Well, doing that didn't answer my question. It only told me that you have to be signed in to view any blog.
  7. That and the fact they say they are in "General". That genuinely put me off and still does somewhat, as I'm not completely sure that my blog remains private because of it. I'm pretty sure it is, because it still says only specific people can read it when I check "Edit blog" and "Manage blog", but that whole General thing doesn't make much sense for a private blog in my brain. I will check if it is visible when I'm logged out, so my brain gets used to it even though it doesn't make sense. The requirement for a category also doesn't make any sense to me. I have since discovered that you can delete categories after writing entries, but having to do it every time makes that rather redundant.
  8. Because said gazelle is not living its best life when it is eloping, is it? As opposed to when it is eating plants and just standing there, not literally escaping mortal threat. Excuse my piss poor attempt at humour.
  9. Interesting. I have never heard elope being used in that context. Then again, I have only been exposed to the word in the context of autistic children and some other disabilities. I have heard elope being used to mean "go off and have sex" though. Considering that would be massively inappropriate, and that it is irrelevant to the context I used it in, I figured people would know what I was referring to by elope. I realise now that I should have just said go off wandering unsupervised.
  10. Eloping is eloping. For those kids it is far more dangerous, because no, they don't have the same social awareness as neurotypical children, and many also don't possess navigational strategy to actually watch where they are going and pay attention to their surroundings, because it is too much for them at a sensory processing level within their brain. Even as an autistic adult, that is one of my most prominent challenges whenever I go into the outside world. Additionally, whether on the severe or mild end of the spectrum, or somewhere in between, the vast majority of autistic children don't respond to being called or surrounding dangers. This means they are far more susceptible to severe and potentially fatal injury, or getting lost. As far as knowing the rules and code of the road, that is also highly unlikely. For example, I did not learn how to cross the road safely until I was 15-16, and still struggle with it because of my lacking visual spatial reasoning, processing and awareness. I do not understand what the vast majority of pictures alone mean and it is very difficult for me to grasp what they mean, similar to pictures of facial expression. In their brain, they are just wandering around, and that is that. Also worth noting that there are far more non-verbal or speech delayed autistic children than there are verbal autistic children, and even verbal autistic children still have difficulties understanding aspects of communication if you do try to communicate the importance of personal safety to them. Personally, I have no issue understanding the value of such signs, but I am autistic myself, and I grew up around other autistic children who were often on the more severe end of the spectrum, so those types of things were just normal parts of life and common knowledge.
  11. Just thought it would be worth saying that it is rather common for autistic children on the more severe end of the spectrum to elope, and that may very well be what some of the signs are referring to.
  12. This can happen for reasons other than trauma. Its called proprioception, or body awareness and the awareness of one's body and specific body parts in space. A lot of people who are autistic, and or who have ADHD struggle with proprioception, for the same reason we struggle with interoception, because they are almost the same thing, except interoception is for things like temperature, heart rate, breathing and appetite. Not saying that it isn't possible that yours is because of trauma, but I think that it is likely that your ADHD plays some role in it, possibly larger than the one trauma does. I have it for both reasons, too, but again, mine is more because it is part of being autistic for me than it is my trauma. For me, my proprioception is so poor that most of the time I can't tell where a body movement comes from, or even where a body part is, unless I can actually see it. For me its also a coping mechanism, as in I use the deficit to my advantage for other reasons, so getting rid of it or improving it is out of the question for now.
  13. Yep. But that's what I've always had to put up with. I'm used to it. Dissociative symptoms are part of hypoarousal, by the way. So is sleeping too much and most of what I have to deal with. Its just another term for the freeze response. Anyways, it is what it is. I'm yet to find anything that isn't a bandaid, and a very shitty one at that. I know people don't like it when I talk about it though, so I'll shut up.
  14. As have I (had many therapists) and unfortunately for me it was made rather obvious that none of them could help with my own trauma, simply due to the fact none of them had anywhere near enough experience with hypoarousal, if they even acknowledged it at all, and that none of them had experience treating a person with as long a history as mine to the point I missed out on developing things that a lot of trauma work is dependent on/my lack of experience with certain things/my brain's incapacity to do certain things that a lot of trauma therapies rely on. None of them were able to manage that or my gross incapacity to get myself out of hypoarousal. Simply put, one cannot do trauma work until they are able to bring themselves into their window of tolerance that permits them to exist in a regulated state of nervous system arousal, and are able to sustain their window of tolerance and build upon it. I cannot and none of them have been able to understand that, never mind help me with it. So for me, it is fairly easy to know if they are expertised enough or not. A lot of the time I don't even have to ask them any specific questions, it is how they treat me because of my symptoms and history/react to my symptoms and long history that does the job of pointing it out for me.
  15. Depends on the therapist and their expertise. Unfortunately trauma work is some of the most difficult of all therapies, and all kinds of it come with the risk of making things worse, in the hands of an inadequate therapist. Fortunately, however, in the right hands, it can literally save a life. So there's no simple answer. Additional to therapist's level of expertise is the kind of expertise they have. If they aren't expertised in your specific trauma symptoms, the risk of it going wrong is larger.
  16. Yes, definitely fair to say. Just neurocognitive deficit is a rather vague term if you ask me. It is more important to know what yours specifically refers to and what can be done to help you function in life in despite of it, if anything can be done.
  17. Neurocognitive deficits can come from a lot of things. Not just medication. Most commonly, they are associated with neurodevelopmental conditions, i.e, autism, ADHD and learning disabilities. They can also happen with intellectual disability, Alzheimer's and other types of dementia, acquired and traumatic brain injuries and stroke. Executive dysfunction is a broader term for a variety of neurocognitive deficits. Any type of cognitive deficit that resides from neurological function is a neurocognitive deficit. I am fairly sure there are other conditions that come with it that I haven't mentioned. But to answer the question, yes, I have and like Butterflykisses, I have had mine since childhood and a lot of them make daily functioning absolute hell.
  18. Yeah. Doesn't really matter treatment wise, because all trauma symptoms can be treated with the same therapy, so long as the therapist is trauma informed and has the expertise to do so.
  19. Ah. I think I would find that quite strange and difficult to understand, but I suppose it depends on what kind of trauma it was. I just imagine it would be difficult knowing it is a flashback and therefore from the past if it had no visual component.
  20. This may seem like a bizarre question, and you don't have to answer it, but does your aphantasia impact the kind of flashbacks you have/had if you don't experience them anymore? Like, no visual flashbacks of the events? And does yours also impact your ability to recall sound, smell and touch like it does for some people with it? I agree, family trauma stuff is different to the kind of trauma where exposures can be used, and its usually more pervasive, so I think its fairly standard to go to and from approaching it, otherwise a lot of people would be approaching it forever and be unable to approach any other issues needing therapy.
  21. Yeah, aphantasia is going to be a challenge with trauma stuff. A lot of therapists rely on imagery for various aspects of treatment. I know its been a barrier for me, and I don't technically have aphantasia, just limited visual skills in that area. Good luck with finding things that do help though.
  22. Those techniques are called resourcing techniques. They are a part of the preparation phase of EMDR, but a lot of therapists who use other trauma therapies also use them to prepare their clients for the processing phase of treatment. Resourcing is where the therapist helps you to resource your own personal and internal strategies to help yourself when dealing with the trauma, so your reliance on others is reduced and you have more resilience towards whatever you went through and the effects of it. The container imagery and bilateral tapping are the most common ones, but there are others. Somatic therapies use resourcing a lot also, with body scans and breathing activities. Personally I find imagery too difficult because I can usually only picture things in my brain if I have experience with them or have seen them somewhere before, and safety isn't one of them for me, and at this point body activities are off the cards for me, I have strong boundaries towards them.
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