Allegati

I have help in the sense that someone can watch them while I grocery shop, that is about it. Their father is caught up in his own issues, as are my parents.

Thank you.

I have two and a half year old twins who are verbally delayed (as in, they do not speak at all) and probably both have autism. I say probably because we are still waiting on official paperwork. My son was also born with pyloric stenosis, meaning he had to have corrective surgery at four weeks old and will have a nasty scar for life. This is a condition he inherited from me, and my guilt over it is insane. I know it hasn't been proven that autism is inherited but we have a history of it in my family. I feel like I condemned both of my children by having faulty genetics and with each therapy appointment and every day I go without hearing them speak the guilt grows more intense. I do not resent my children, but their disabilities are fueling some issues I thought I had worked through years ago. Caring for them has killed my already miniscule social life, no one wants to hang around while I chase the kids. The few other parents I know judge me harshly because my kids can't communicate and are poorly behaved because of it. The assumption is that I neglect my children, when in reality I have given up everything to try and help them. I've had to quit my job, move back in with my parents (another indignity) and my life exists entirely around taking them to six different therapy sessions a week. In the past six months I've resumed binge/restrictive eating, my insomnia is back, and I'm so anxious I sweat and shake just thinking about interacting with another adult. I'm guilty about not having better genes to pass on, guilty about maybe messing up something during my pregnancy, and guilty over feeling depressed about the state of my life. Gut instinct says to delete this because no one could possibly care, but I need to get it out. If only for a little bit.

Hello. I'm forcing myself to reach out and try to talk to people because I can feel myself spinning out of control again. I'm not sure that I have anything worth saying, but I'll try. I'm a twenty four year old college drop out with no job and disabled two year old twins. That about covers it.