Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Steve223

Member
  • Content Count

    136
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Steve223

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    male

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. I feel like I have no value or purpose in the world really. I "work", but it serves no real meaningful purpose in the world, could be done by literally anyone, and is poorly paid. The only people who do the work I do are other people like me who are too dumb to make any progress in life. I really should've never been born. I'm just a burden on my family and society. I really am a complete screw up and an incredibly stupid, worthless person. I have a college degree, on paper. But really it's just that I must've gone to a shitty school where they actually mistook me for someone who has value to the world and isn't a complete moron. I wouldn't kill myself, but I just don't get why stupid people like me are even born. I guess idiotic screw ups like me have some sort of purpose to the world, but I just am having a very hard time seeing it. Sometimes, I have wondered if perhaps I'm just here as an example for other people of what failure looks like, so other people who actually have value to the world can avoid becoming screw ups like me. Or perhaps, there's something else that I'm just not seeing.
  2. This has gone on for quite some time. It doesn't come up anywhere near as often as it used to, but I still have a fear of losing control and involuntarily spouting obscenities and involuntarily acting bizarrely. Possibly without remembering that I did it, which drives a sort of "Did I say/do that?", "Maybe I did", "No I didn't", "Am I just telling myself that I didn't though?", etc., etc. This sort of thing is extremely irritating, and it's very difficult to get a handle on once that thinking starts. The thing is that these obsessions/fears really have a mind of their own in a sense, which makes me start to wonder if perhaps this thinking is an early sign of developing Tourette's/losing control. Sometimes, I'll also feel compelled to do small, meaningless things and worry that if I don't, I could lose control. On a conscious level, I know that this is not the case. Because times that I have not done the things that I felt the need to do, as you'd expect, I didn't actually lose control or anything like that. Consciously, I know that I won't. But the compulsion is still strong. The things that I'll feel compelled to do aren't really harmful, nor do they really serve any useful purpose either. Just random things like moving a cup I'm holding or something like that, muttering a random word to myself, etc. I have much less of this sort of issue nowadays compared to a few years ago. However, what hasn't changed is that once this sort of thinking starts........ it has a way of becoming an endless loop that kind of has a mind of its own in a way. It's also seemingly random. It doesn't seem to really be connected to anything. So, it's kind of hard to really think of anything that I could do to avoid falling into this sort of thinking, because it just seems to crop up completely randomly and out of nowhere. And then eventually my mind will kind of shift gears in one way or another and it's no longer an issue. Also, I always consciously know that I'm not going to suddenly develop Tourette's and lose control like this. But weirdly, consciously knowing that the fear is irrational has surprisingly little impact on it.
  3. Yes, but not exactly the same thing. I am absolutely and utterly terrified of aliens, and it literally sometimes causes me to stay awake all night long. And all it takes to cause me to completely freak out is a slight sound or something of the sort. On occasion, I will literally leap out of bed because of a small sound even still, as an adult. Because the possibility of being abducted by aliens absolutely scares the living daylights out of me. Sometimes, I still actually look in the closets, check the shower, and literally look all over the house to make sure there's not an alien hiding someplace if I hear a weird sound. I have been like this ever since I was a kid. If it's late at night, it takes next to nothing to start the UFO abduction panic. During the day, I never worry about it. But at night, the fear of alien abduction sometimes keeps me up all night. And has ever since I was a kid. And yes, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like something is there. And this also freaks me the hell out. For some reason, I have an intense fear of alien abduction and have the same feeling sometimes...... like something is there. And I worry that it's an alien. Which is all in my head. But it still freaks me out and keeps me up at night. For me, it's more of a phobia than anything. I don't know about the whispers though honestly. Never had that.
  4. I recently had a terrifying nightmare involving demons, aliens, and all sorts of nonsense like that. Which I normally would write off as nothing other than a bad dream. Which is all that it was. However, it was like my unconscious knew something about myself that I didn't. Anyways, in this messed up dream, there was mention of me having an "epicanthal fold" (not exactly sure what the context was in the dream). I did not even know what that meant or anything like that, and I Googled it the next day simply out of curiosity. Then, to my surprise it turned out that I have it. I had no idea what the term even meant and yet the characters in this bizarre dream somehow knew that I had this, as they were talking about it for some reason. It seems unlikely to have been simply random chance, as only 5% of people with my ancestry have this. Also, it seems unlikely that I would have been "unconsciously aware" of this since it is not very noticeable. I just find it really strange that dream characters somehow knew this little random fact about myself that I didn't even know and probably would've had no reason to ever even take notice of. Plus, the dream characters talking about this seemed to know a word that I didn't until I Googled it after having this dream.
  5. Sorry I didn't post back. I'm honestly not sure about these people. I talked to her shortly after this, and honestly she may have sort of gotten used to the idea of me not being straight. I'm not sure. Anyways, I said something about it sort of casually shortly after this, and she seemed to see it as old news rather than something to be angry about. And she hasn't been attacking me about it. For the most part, we have gotten along.
  6. Okay, I am not straight. I came out as gay last year, and it went horribly. Horribly meaning that I was told that if I "chose to live that life", that my own family, my own parents weren't sure if they wanted to remain in contact with me. My mother was the one saying these things, and I actually heard my Dad say "well you shouldn't think like that" when it she was on the phone saying that her bigotry against gays made her want to shun away (not in those words, just "it's kind of undesirable") or something of the sort. After this, my mother proceeded to abuse me and vowed to discard me and said she didn't want to be seen with me due to the way that I dressed because she was "embarrassed". She told me that she "wished me well in life but didn't want to know about it", the expression of pure homophobic hatred that I'd expect to come from her. She had threatened to discard me multiple times in my life and pretty much ingrained it in my psyche. She clearly has some sort of PD, and she had unpredictable Jekyll and Hyde like rages, though they never came that often even before all this. It was rare, but once one saw Mr. Hyde, one never saw Dr. Jekyll the same again kind of thing. There were a few potential triggers, but the control of me seemed to be the primary one, or at least perhaps........... it seemed to revolve around my sex life and perceived "morals" and "values" as well perhaps to an even greater degree than the idea of control. The thing is weirdly, despite expressing that she didn't want to be seen with me and everything else, she decided to be quite nice to me. As though she "came around". It has been quite convincing, and I really want to believe that's true. She has not followed through with her initial "promise" that it was final that she would never go out in public with me because she was embarrassed to be seen with me and things have seemed fine at least on the surface. And despite being as abusive as she was, she has seemed to be the same...... actually perhaps slightly better around me than before. However, given her sheer level of disdain and hatred, I don't know given something that happened two days ago that was far more subtle. She stopped abusing me for the way I dress many months ago, yet she said one thing that had a weirdly strong impact on me emotionally............. now a year after all this, she saw a flier in the mail when we were talking (after I came out as gay) about a scantily dressed woman on the cover of a magazine. And she kind of made a joke about it, and said, 'Oh boy' in a joking sort of way. I'm not sure what to think of this, and a strong part of me sees this as joking around......... yet she never apologized for all her threats to disown me or anything else. So, I am kind of confused. Was this just a harmless joke, or perhaps was it a sign that she just "forgot" everything I said, and despite what I said on multiple occasions during this, that she genuinely believes I am straight. Or am I misinterpreting this? She just said it in kind of a joking way, and otherwise has not said anything homophobic or tried to control the way I dress, and that's been a big change............ but somehow this kind of made me wonder if somehow despite everything, she just "forgot" all of it in her invalidation. This is the only thing that I have heard since last summer's attack on me for not being straight and dressing the way I do, yet it made me wonder a bit if the "progress" is really an illusion.
  7. I have a prescription for 10mg adderall XR and one for 10mg adderall IR. It says on the bottle to take the XR in the morning, of course, since it lasts for 8-12 hours. However, the IR simply says take one pill every day. Is it usually most effective taking them at the same time? Because that's what I've been doing, but I was wondering if that was usually what people do. Or if people generally take the XR in the AM and the IR later in the day.
  8. I take the stimulants now (adderall) with no other meds and have had no issues at all. In fact, it puts me in a much better mood in addition to helping my ADHD symptoms.
  9. I have never taken this, but it's apparently referred to as velvet bean and other things. I may try it soon, as for New Years eve and New Year's I'm taking a bit of time off from my work, may even take another day off as a much deserved break (I'm self employed and can set my own schedule). Apparently, it contains small amounts of NN DMT..... yes that DMT, as in the most powerful hallucinogen on Earth DMT. But in tiny amounts along with L-dopa, 5-HTP, and 5-HMO-DMT (can't spell it right, but some sort of hallucinogenic compound that is found in psiolcybin mushrooms). However, the doses of both are very small. It also has some other things in it that haven't been particularly well-studied. During the next few days since I'm not going to be working much, I'm not going to be taking my adderall (as I'm not working and thus don't need it, also good to take time off of it due to tolerance and all) so I'm thinking of trying this stuff. I have been reading some interesting reports about it on some internet sites. Apparently, despite containing these ultra low doses of these hallucinogens, it is legal OTC as a supplement. The experiences people have had seemed similar to extremely low, almost imperceptible doses of hallucinogenics (which I personally use occasionally in widely varying dosages, not that I encourage the use of these substances in any way nor am I saying that use of such substances is considered to be safe outside of a medically supervised environment). Given these reports, I am really quite intrigued by this herb and may try it. People also said that it was good for focus and gave a mood lift. In addition, some said that they felt more intuitive and insightful after taking the products. The downsides people commented on were inability to sleep and other side effects which were generally minor. Since this is a mental health forum, I would say that since the products do contain small amounts of classical psychedelics, it could likely be a bad idea for anyone with a predisposition to serious psychiatric disorders to take it. As these compounds are known to exacerbate latent and existing psychosis, mania, and other serious psychiatric disorders. So, in no way am I saying go try it, just that it really interests me and I am likely to be ingesting this plant in the near future. If anyone else has taken this, I would be very, very interested to hear of your experiences. Because it sounds like something that I would very much enjoy and may genuinely be beneficial for me.
  10. This website I found seems to be a really helpful resource as far as saving money and they're planning to offer new information soon. It just went live recently I think, like within the past few days/weeks so I doubt it's finished yet. But there's already some pretty good stuff. They have a couple of links to a couple of places that offer really good coupons and discounts at a bunch of the places I shop. They're going to have information on other financial issues like finding work in the 21st Century economy, working from home, and other struggles that are commonplace these days though. It looks interesting for sure, definitely something to check out and keep checking out over time. I have heard that they're planning to start a money and employment forum in the future over that should be pretty interesting. There will probably be a lot of practical advice and tips on the forum whenever that gets set up. Here's the link to it, it's real new: http://www.the21stcentury.info Here's a link to the page that has the links to places where you can get coupons and discounts (some of them looked really good when I checked it out): http://www.the21stcentury.info/some-ways-to-save-money.html
  11. For me an anxiety/panic attack either involves the false belief that I may be having a heart attack (yet I've always had enough sense not to do something really stupid like showing up at the ER for the 'heart attack'), or it's connected to OCD type phobias that involve fearing that I've consumed a deadly poisonous chemical or have said or done something extremely inappropriate. They never really occur as a solitary phenomena. It's just a racing heart type feeling, nausea, and extreme anxiety. During the times that it's happened, I've generally appeared outwardly normal....... yet I avoid interacting with others as much as possible. The other key part of it is that rationalizing it doesn't work. Just as I rationally say that I'm actually not having a heart attack, I just end up going right back to thinking that I am. Until maybe a ten minutes, a half hour, or maybe an hour or so goes by and I stop "feeling like" I'm having one and just go back to my ordinary self and forget about it as best I can. It's probably only happened 5-10 times or so in total, but they really are a pain for sure.
  12. I'd say there's a greater than 50% chance that she won't come around or change her views at all, ever...... and I think there's at least a 50/50 chance that she'd ultimately just cut off contact with me completely if I ever found myself in a gay relationship, even if she says otherwise, she's been known to lie. However, there is something that I thought could possibly be affecting her views, assuming it isn't just lies. This may be off base as it all may have been made up stories to to try to scare me and manipulate me. She said that the close friend she had that who was gay died of aids, and she claims that she had been extremely close with him. Assuming this is a true story and not just all made up (she lies without much thought about it if manipulation is the goal, so there's no way to know what's fact vs fiction). If it were true though, I can imagine that must have been a very sad and traumatic experience for her that would have likely shaped her views considerably and possibly caused her to react out of fear when I'm telling her this. Not sure though and I'm sure if she brought it up, she possibly and maybe even likely would just say that has nothing to do with her views and that I'm just "trying to force her to accept it" and say nothing more about it..... but maybe I'm not 100% off base on this.
  13. Over the past couple of years, this issue has come up multiple times..... over and over with the same crap every time. Her judgment of me has resulted in me going back into the closet several times. Then back out again, like cycles. This time, she first had a judgmental outburst over the phone that ultimately included her saying she was unsure if she wanted to remain in contact with me if I were ever in a relationship with a guy because she was seeming judgmental towards me and I just said, "look you don't have to be part of my life, you don't even have to talk to me. that's fine.". After that, she backtracks. Starts saying that she always wants to be in my life, but that she's "not sure how she feels about it" and doesn't wish to discuss it. I don't discuss it. Some weeks pass, it comes up again. Her reasoning for her behavior doesn't make much sense to me. She has had multiple gay friends. Hasn't had many friends in general but several of them have been gay, and she's been very close with them. Also was basically best friends for years with a woman who is a lesbian. She even says that she "believes in equality" and has always been of this mindset. However, she admits to me that she has no problem with gay people, but that because its her kid she won't really be able to accept me but has had numerous gay best friends over the years..... and that we're incompatible with one another because of this but she wants to stay part of my life and claims to not be rejecting me.... but that she's "entitled to her reaction" to this. She also says that she will never not be uncomfortable with this and will never be okay with it or fully accept it. Her position on it is 100% set in stone, according to her. How on Earth is this behavior not her rejecting me? Or at least thinking about it? She's not embarrassed of me I don't think, because currently she has zero friends. No one, so I don't know who she'd be embarrassed to? However, she is also saying that she isn't convinced of me not being straight..... despite the fact that she drove me up the wall recently to the point where I said something that I did in the past. This time it started because she's saying stuff to me about the way that I dress. I wear what's basically a women's hairstyle and paint my nails, and you don't really see other guys that dress in a similar way to myself, at least other than on rare occasion. But I like the way I look and have always felt kind of feminine, never anything serious in terms of issues with my body or anything like that....... but still I see no reason at all why I should go back to dressing like a "normal" guy like I did when I was younger. Why should I have to? In fact, she even started to say something relating me being gay to the way I dress, indicating things along the lines of gender differences. She also started acting very concerned for me and my future, saying that I'm going to be treated differently because of the way I am. Which definitely is true, but she just seemed extremely concerned about the whole thing to the point that it was difficult for me to get through to say anything to her. Essentially, she just seems kind of confused about this.
  14. I've never had any threesomes, so I can't really comment for sure that this is bad advice. However, building a relationship with the guy that you'll be having a threesome with sounds like it may make the whole situation more likely to create jealousy. Perhaps, OP's boyfriend or OP may begin to become attached to the guy in a romantic sort of way. If the guy were someone who you OP and OP's boyfriend didn't know that well or have much emotional connection with, it seems relatively unlikely that this would happen.
×
×
  • Create New...