Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Mattatron

Member
  • Content Count

    14
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Mattatron

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    male

Recent Profile Visitors

642 profile views
  1. I don't know what is the point of me being here anymore. Yesterday, one of my in-laws called me good for nothing. The sad thing is she is right. I don't really serve a purpose anymore ever since I've been out of work. My depression has gotten worse and worse to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed anymore or do anything. I'm a bad husband and father because I can't make a living or provide a decent life for my family. We are living with family, almost like freeloaders, paying the bare minimum of what I can with what little is left of my unemployment. I'm also a bad father because I don't have the energy or even the desire anymore to play with and entertain my kids. I just linger on, having outlived my usefulness. I can't find work, no one will give me a chance. Its becoming increasingly difficult to pretend to be bright and cheery on interviews and that's as far as I ever get. Interviews every once in a while and then no call back. They can tell there is something wrong with me and could care less about giving me a chance to see how good I am at what I do. I am just beyond caring anymore. I don't enjoy anything. I have failed at life. I made some bad choices when I was younger and didn't take my future seriously. I struggled in college and had trouble staying focused and staying the course. I didn't seek out help for my mental issues until later in life where I was diagnosed as Bipolar I. I wonder if I had sought treatment sooner, maybe I would have stayed in college and gotten into a much better, more stable career. That time is gone now. I have a family now and no way to provide for them except for hand outs from the government. The future is dark, there is little hope left that anything will change for the better. I'm tired of life and getting kicked around by it. I think I'm ready to check out now, there is nothing but pain and anguish awaiting me in the years ahead. I've lost. There comes a time when you have to realize that you can't win, that any further attempts are futile. Just stop struggling, its easier this way. Accept your fate and let yourself fade from existence in dignity, don't be a sore loser. We can't all be winners, someone always has to be the loser. Game over.
  2. I don't think that the alcohol would be much of an issue with the anti-depressant. It would be more of an issue combined with Xanax and Klonopin though from what I hear. One or two glasses of wine doesn't sound like much especially if you're used to it. I would likely keep it to just one glass and see how it affects you first before drinking more. When in doubt ask your pdoc and see what he/she says about light to moderate drinking while on your meds. Also, keep in mind that alcohol is a depressant, so it might make the anti-depressant less effective.
  3. I've been on geodon for about a year and have adjusted to it pretty well with minimal noticeable side effects. I've only been on one other similar medication, abilify, and I didn't like it all that much. I just didn't have much of a response to it like I have with the Geodon. I was having psychotic, paranoid thoughts before I was put on it and those for the most part went away after I had been on it for a while. As far as sexual side effects go, its hard to say. I mean I don't have much drive in that area but I don't know if I can blame the geodon for that as I'm on other medications as well. I would be more likely to blame it on the zoloft. I had to look up what cogentin and artane were. I don't take those or anything like it.
  4. I really don't think quitting your medication is a great idea specially in this moment and I'm sorry to say you'll need to dedicate your whole life to come up with a breaking through concept of reality and since it's subjective and obscure it will eventually be just a theory. You can only speculate and there are a lot of homework to do, I would start with philosophy, there are plenty of thinkers who dedicated their whole lives to this subject, there are a lot of religions and a lot of scientists trying to find what this is all about, nobody come up with a definite conclusion and I think we are far away from proven anything related to reality. Maybe when you free yourself from what you're calling reality you'll figure out that there are more layers into it, maybe we are living in a simulated universe made by another simulated universe, but don't go bananas. I don't know if I have that kind of time to come up with a full blown theory for what I am perceiving. I mean that just seems like a way to keep myself occupied while I continue to suffer through the circumstances in my life. I hate being forced to endure everything this life has to throw at me. I long to move on to a better place. If only I could have confirmation, concrete evidence that such a place existed outside of this reality.
  5. I guess my writing my thoughts here on the subject is probably a bit hypocritical and goes against my theory. I just couldn't fight the curiosity of how the world would respond. I'm not sure how would an entity of this world, this creation, respond? There's only two responses. There's the unlikely response of "Wow, how did you figure it out?" I think that this reality is contingent on my believing it is real otherwise it would dissolve. So, confirmation of my suspicions seems an unlikely response. The much more likely response is trying to convince me that its all a figment of my imagination. Keep me in my place so the world continues to have control over me and not I over it. When my thoughts were focused on this subject before, the world fought back and medicated me and the thoughts slowly went away. I see this was just another form of control at a time when I was close to an epiphany. I am not content playing the role I'm supposed to play anymore and being subjected to all the different tortures. I will break free, and it will be my dream to live and shape in the way that I see fit this time. I'm sorry to say but your theory about reality isn't something brand new and you probably didn't realize that it has a lot of influence in pre-existing religious beliefs, since the concept of heaven and hell is part of some religions and you didn't create those concepts. In my opinion I can say that the world has some power over you and not exclusively over you and the world shaped your sense of reality, if no one told you about hell and heaven could you come up with those concepts by yourself? What you call epiphany seems more likely to be a theophany since you're kind of leaving the scientific and reasonable thinking out of the equation. I don't want you to act upon some theory just to prove yourself a point and just try to understand that the concept of reality is an endless subject. I admit, it does need more work. My allusion to hell was just giving it a name, since it in some ways fits. Its hard to not reference anything that I may have ever read or seen, especially when dealing with something that is beyond what I am allowed to see as reality. When we are thinking beyond the scope of this world, there seems to be few words to describe that which is beyond our senses. I should investigate my suspicions further as there has to be a way to prove it within the confines of this reality. If I can prove it, I think only then will I be free of this reality and free to make a new one. I should stop taking my medications as they are clouding my mind. I need my full faculties to tackle this subject.
  6. I guess my writing my thoughts here on the subject is probably a bit hypocritical and goes against my theory. I just couldn't fight the curiosity of how the world would respond. I'm not sure how would an entity of this world, this creation, respond? There's only two responses. There's the unlikely response of "Wow, how did you figure it out?" I think that this reality is contingent on my believing it is real otherwise it would dissolve. So, confirmation of my suspicions seems an unlikely response. The much more likely response is trying to convince me that its all a figment of my imagination. Keep me in my place so the world continues to have control over me and not I over it. When my thoughts were focused on this subject before, the world fought back and medicated me and the thoughts slowly went away. I see this was just another form of control at a time when I was close to an epiphany. I am not content playing the role I'm supposed to play anymore and being subjected to all the different tortures. I will break free, and it will be my dream to live and shape in the way that I see fit this time.
  7. Is this life real? Is this world real? Sometimes I feel like this world is my own personal place, created for me, and that I'm the only one living in it. Since things have gone so badly in my life I almost think of it as some level of hell. Its weird because its not all bad, you would think that hell is all suffering all the time. But maybe there are levels of hell where you suffer most of the time with times of relief thrown in once in a while. Perhaps this world was made for me as a punishment for something I did before I was born, I don't know. I just get this feeling like I'm being watched or observed. Like I'm being pushed to my breaking point to see how I will react. I'm getting close, and I'm not really sure how I will react. I'll say this though, if I'm being tested to see if my whole nature would change, to get me to do something horrible, to lash out at the world that broke me, I think they will be disappointed. I internalize most of my pain, and I am not a violent person, never was and never will be. I only see two possibilities happening. One is I just lose all sense of reality and sanity and go crazy. Or the other option is I take things out on myself, to make this world go away. The funny thing is, since this world isn't real, I think if I ever tried to harm myself I don't think the world would let me. I mean I have tried in the past, and never succeeded, but I just chalked those up to being failed attempts. I never tried to do it in a way that cannot fail. But I think something would happen to prevent me from leaving this place before whatever purpose of this world is played out. But since that would prove my theory that the world isn't real, I think it would unravel the world and maybe it would fall apart anyway. For an impossible event to occur, proving the world is not real, would have some kind of cataclysmic effect. Maybe it would be a way out, or maybe things would just start over again. Maybe the second time around, or how many times I've been here I could somehow make this world better. Kind of like a dream where you know you're dreaming and suddenly can control things around you. Maybe I would gain that power the next time and make the world around me a much better place to live.
  8. Thank you all for your feedback. I think it'd probably be best if I stop drinking all together. I really will miss it though as nothing else really makes the world disappear for a while quite like drinking does but it sounds like I'm playing russian roulette with my health when I do. I just don't think I could limit myself to drinking just a little bit once in a while. I have kind of an all or nothing personality so I will just have to live without it. Does anyone know of a pill that makes you forget your problems and worries for a while? Sign me up for that med if it exists lol.
  9. Thanks for the response. I am on Depakote, geodon, zoloft, clonazepam, and the occasional temazepam. Would any of those be extraordinarily bad to drink with in your experience? I am sure my pdoc would err on the side of caution so I doubt he would give me a true opinion of the importance of whether to or not to drink.
  10. Greetings. I'm new here, please forgive me if this has been asked/answered before. I am curious how bad is it really to mix alcohol with meds? I am on quite a few medications to control my bipolar I disorder and I believe each of them say not to drink alcohol but is it really that big of a deal? I've done it before and I'm still here. Is it just a case where they just want you to stop any bad habits like smoking or drinking so they just slap the warning on the Rx, or is there an actual greater risk to your health by drinking alcohol while on the medications?
×
×
  • Create New...