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Everything posted by nmk1226

  1. I take Vraylar and it works really well, only it makes me eat the house down. Will this diminish with time? Every other antipsychotic sedates me to the point if not being able to function. Does anyone have any experience with this drug?
  2. I have been on Lamotrogine for over 2 years; my dosage is 400 mg. I am as dumb as a hammer now. I can't find the right word, I can't spell, I can't seem to be able to form an opinion much less articulate it. I am unable to wrap my head around the simplest of tasks. I am at my wits end, that is on the days that I can remember that I have wits. Lamotrogine has helped me so much I honestly think that it saved my life, so I don't feel like I can get off of it. I just have to push through the stupidity. I'm no genius, but I have a pretty good IQ. Now my IQ probably wouldn't even hit 90. It is very frustrating because I know that I have the knowledge up there I just can't seem to access it anymore.
  3. I have been on Lamotrogine for about 2 years now and my dosage is now at 400 mg. Lamotrogine has rendered me a moron with the ambition of a dairy cow. However it has also helped me a lot. So much that I can't see getting off of it because of the stupidity it causes. I have trouble getting words out if I can even find the right word in my mind. I can't seem to get my head wrapped around the simplest of tasks. Opinion? I don't seem to be able to know what my opinion is anymore much less articulate it. I'm no genius, but I do have a decent IQ. I feel like my IQ, since I have been on Lamotrogine, has dropped below 75!
  4. I am currently on Lamotrogine 400 mg and I have turned into the stupidest person on the planet!! I am very upset about it. My words won't come and I can't get my head wrapped around the simplest of tasks. Lamotrogine has helped me so very much, but I can't stand this stupidity. I can't think. I can't remember simple grammar rules, names, what I watched on television 10 minutes ago. My independent thought is gone. I no longer have an opinion about anything. When asked my opinion on something I can't even put my thoughts together. I don't even know what my opinion is anymore! Lamotrogine has rendered me a moron. Any suggestions anyone? Is there an alternative med other than Lithium?
  5. I have been given Vyvanse for BED. I know that sounds crazy because it is typically an ADD med, but the FDA has done studies and has expanded its uses to BED.
  6. NicoleSOS: You are not alone! Do you see a Pdoc? How about a Tdoc? If you don't have a therapist you would benefit greatly from one. He/she could help you deal with all of these sudden feelings that you are experiencing since you are trying to be clean & sober (BTW Congrats). He/she can also help you with those feelings of wanting to self-harm (I had a lot of problems with that as well.) My therapist helped me tremendously. Don't be embarrassed or afraid, they have heard it all and have seen it all and they do not judge. I am hugging you tightly right now. It's going to be okay. Feel free to write me a pm if you need to.
  7. Thanks for your input -- I have backed away from this other forum as you both have advised. I know it was the best thing to do. I guess I might as well go ahead and tell you -- before I finally backed away from it the rage was under control, but it had manifested itself in overeating and the next step I knew was bulimia which I suffered from for 17 years so when I finally realized what was going on I said OMG I am so insane what am I doing? I couldn't get out of there fast enough. So thanks for telling me what I should have known anyway -- sometimes I seem to have to put my head through the wall before I accept the truth. Sorry.
  8. Yes I know exactly what the trigger is. I haven't spoken w/my Pdoc about this, but I see him in week and will do so then. Thanks for the input.
  9. In another forum that I frequent I have read in on several personal accounts that have “triggered” such anger and rage that I haven’t been able to contain it. I felt like I had a tornado inside of me and I pretty much tore up my room the other night. I wanted to rip somebody’s fucking head off their Goddamn body and jam it down their neck is what I wanted to do. (I took my meds. but didn’t sleep for 2 nights in a row but got back to normal after that) I’m concerned about this triggered rage I am experiencing with regard to its effect on my BP. (It doesn’t happen every time.) I don’t want to quit this other forum. I have done a lot of work both in individual and group therapy on this other issue and still have work to do on it. I feel like I can change things just by the way I process personal stories. I can rock it back some by not looking at the intensity of it all at once. By stepping back, logging out and giving myself time to absorb what I have read and time to deal with it instead of taking it all in at once (head-on). Not looking directly at the fire instead looking at it peripherally if you will and hopefully not experiencing the rage or at least the extent of the rage. Is the risk of triggering a full-blown BP episode by this occasional rage trigger too high to chance? I know that it is ultimately my call, but I would really like some input. Thanks
  10. I don't know I would guess that it has been going on and off for a couple of months. And no I don't see a therapist. I live in a small town. It is a 3 hr. drive to go see my Pdoc. so seeing a therapist would be pretty difficult economically. I am currently on a forum for this other issue and I know that that's not anywhere near seeing a therapist, but it's the best I can do at this point in time.
  11. I am beginning to think that what I think may be the beginning of an episode is not an episode at all, but just a wild mood swing brought on by a trigger of something that I have been dealing with for a long time. Is this possible. It seems more like what’s going on instead of an episode. It may last several hours but usually passes after meds., rest, etc. What I'm talking about doesn't last days. I have situations that last days, but this is something different. Does anyone have any insight that you could share?
  12. I spoke with my pdoc and he has put me back on ssri, Cymbalta, so I'm hoping that will help. He doesn't believe in giving benzos. I am also going to try to get in touch with a therapist. I am feeling a little better. Thanks.
  13. I have been feeling so good. I have been getting out of my house and helping a friend of mine get her office in order. Working on this for about at week and then suddenly I felt it creeping up behind me -- I have to get back to my house; back to my room so I can lock myself inside. I have stayed locked in my room all day in bed doing nothing but listening to music; wouldn't answer the telephone; when a friend of mine came by I made her leave I wouldn't even let her into the house. I forced myself to go out and go to the bank, but I was just counting the seconds until I could get back home and telling myself that it would be okay the entire time. Is this anxiety? I can't figure out what's going on with me? I'm pretty worried because I have things to do tomorrow with people and someone is going to notice. I don't know if I can pull off an entire day out there in the world tomorrow. Any advice?
  14. Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It eats your lunch doesn't it. But there's no putting the genie back in the bottle. I can't undo all of my terrible behavior for all those years. I don't deserve them. But at least I have the correct diagnosis now which gives me and them a little peace of mind.
  15. I have such guilt and remorse over what I put my children through for all of those years before diagnosis. All those times when as I say "the switch would flip" and I just wouldn't come home I would tell them I was going to be a little late and then not show up until 3:00 in the morning because I would be off on one of my manic roamings. All of the crazy temper tantrums. How I used to rip the telephones out of the wall until finally they wouldn't allow me to purchase anymore telephones and they kept only one telephone in their room. That's pretty sad. It was like in so many ways they were the parents. They would go into my bathroom and clean out all of the razor blades after I would try to slit my wrists. All the crazy things I did staying up all night and day and night and day doing who knows what. And I have apologized, but it's not enough. That's just words. And those girls just look at me and smile and say but mom we love you it's okay everything worked out. And then they'll always put their arms around me and hug me. That makes me feel worse than if they would yell at me. I guess I should be thankful that they grew up to be as normal as they have considering the amount of dysfunction I heaped on them. Anyway the guilt will always be there, but I deserve it, at least for a little while longer. One day I will lay it down, but not today.
  16. Stress is what finally tipped my psyche over the edge I think. I have always been in outside sales and in retrospect I believe the reason I was so highly successful was because I was always hypomanic. But I reached a point with every job where I broke and I reached a point where I could no longer handle any of it and could no longer handle a job period and had to go on SS disability. I miss working, but when I think about going back to work and start going back through the steps it will take to secure another job I know I can't handle it. Stress for me is a killer.
  17. I am pretty practiced at wearing a mask and generally covering my tracks when I'm depressed and when I'm hypomanic everyone thinks I'm wonderful anyway so it doesn't matter, but all-in-all the pretending does get pretty exhausting and after a while I find that I don't really even know who I am any more. You know when I get home and lock myself away in my room and all the bullshit falls away and I am left with the real me -- well who am I. I've played a part so damn long all day long I've forgotten who the hell I am. It's a weird feeling.
  18. I'm the same way. The instant I get home I lock myself in my room and things begin to close in. The mask drops and there I am all alone with myself again. And you're right I guess that's when I realize that I really am sick. That's when I know how depressed I really am. That is also when I realize how very important it is that I do get out of the house and am around others as much as possible even if I do have to force myself.
  19. Wearing the mask is the best advice you can get because no matter who we are at some point in time we all have worn the mask, some of us on a daily basis just to survive. So use it baby. It will get you through until you can make it home and fall apart. That's what I do to survive.
  20. I too am and have always been extremely emotional. I cry quite easily. Am very emotional about people and things. It is even worse when I am going through a depression. Sometimes when I try to speak I just can't get it out because the tears are just the re. I feel like an idiot. Anyway it is what it is. I guess I would rather be sensitive than never giving a flip.
  21. I don't find them offensive they give me the red-ass (a term we use down here in the South to describe being extremely PISSED OFF)!!
  22. Unfortunately I don't have a plan. I am usually so caught up in my head that I don't think of much else but what I want to do which is slit my wrists. But -- what you are saying -- about a plan -- I don't know why, after all of these years, I haven't done something like that. I mean I have cleaned out my bathroom, gotten rid of all of the razor blades, but you can always go buy more. But a plan makes so much more sense. Thanks -- I haven't helped you any sorry about that, but you have helped me some.
  23. No more fucked up than I am Love. Which isn't saying much sorry. LOL Thanks for your input you make me feel better about my crazy thoughts
  24. Y'all are really going to think I'm a chicken shit. I get so upset by the things people say that I just don't come out at all to anyone. I can't take being looked at like I'm an insect any more.
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