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About AyYiYikes

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  1. Sad. Annoyed. Sensitive to noise. Walking is an effort. I actually had been doing pretty well past couple of weeks. This afternoon it hit me hard. The bipolar depression is back. Tired of it, and fed up with attempting a fake “normal” at work. Bleh.
  2. How do people who can work but have a rough time doing it actually keep getting up every day and going? I know everyone’s different. This is a serious problem for me. I work full time because I need to, to avoid being homeless. Yet at least a couple times a week I’m so exhausted I can’t function and stay home. You’d think it’d be enough to remind myself I don’t want to be homeless again. The loss of pay makes things hellish. Yet some mornings I’m so exhausted and sad I don’t go. I’m getting a sleep study soon for sleep apnea (my own request, not the dr’s recommendation) and if that’s an issue, maybe treatment for that will help. I’m just mad at myself for not getting it together. My pdoc is no help; insurance doesn’t allow me to change doctors at this time. The pdoc said, “Just go.” I think it just lies with me. I need to force myself, no matter what. Fed up with MI, fed up with myself. What do others who work do? It may sound simple, but it’s not.
  3. Wish I had a pdoc/NP like that. Then again, I can’t be on a low dose. I tried. I take lithium, enough to make me a bleh lump that’s too exhausted to go to work many days. Any small bit of feeling good/mania turns into mixed B.S. with lots of agitation and anger. I miss feeling good/motivated/creative. Lithium helps the mania but kills everything else.
  4. Of course take killing yourself out of your plan. Do you have a hotline to call there? They should be able to direct you to help, ASAP. Please, if you can’t get a hotline on the phone or physically get to a clinic, call for the paramedics to come transport you to a hospital. I don’t know the number in Australia; here it’s 911. Stop taking crap meds you bought online and speak with someone who can help! Please let us know you’re ok.
  5. Like the others have said, you may not be able to fix it. A couple years before my own diagnosis, someone very close to me went at me with what could be called unforgivable things and I was so hurt. The person verbally attacking me has bipolar and may have been mixed at the time. My therapist said to try to remember it’s a lot of the illness talking and not the person. That thought came to mind when I really unnecessarily went off on someone. I later apologized and explained I have bipolar disorder and it does not excuse it but may somewhat help explain it. He said nothing. We’re still on speaking terms, although I expect he sees me as “flawed” and flaky. At least I tried. That’s all we can do. No one seems to forget. I keep to myself as much as possible if I feel especially mixed and have lost loads of time at work by staying home. If I’m around others when I’m like that, it ain’t pretty.
  6. Does anyone else have sound sensitivity? It comes and goes, especially when I’m feeling agitated/mixed. Been off work 3 days per pdoc and I go back tomorrow because I cannot afford to be off. Today’s been the worst for the sensitivity. I dread going back tomorrow because my workplace is very noisy and often when on the phone with a client a voice hits a certain pitch and I’m cringing; it’s almost painful. I want to hang up and flee. The pdoc is sending me this afternoon to a depression/anxiety group which is senseless and I don’t want to go because it’s weekly but this is the only day I can go since I’m off work - normally I’m working. I’m effing agitated and a group one time isn’t going to help but I have to in order to appear “compliant” to the HMO. They offer no groups for any type of bipolar. I think after being in and out of therapy since a teen (although not knowing it’s BP until a couple years ago), I probably have the group thing down pat and consider this one-time thing to supposedly give me “coping skills” to be something to placate the insurer; not helpful. I have loads of coping skills or I wouldn’t have made it this far and snowed most the people I know, that have no clue what I’m going through inside while I always act positive on the outside. I’m exhausted by acting and don’t look forward to the noise tomorrow. Can’t even take the chirping of a bird right now, which I find sad to admit. So stressed. Venting here, as I wait for the group to begin.
  7. Haven’t seen you back so I’m hoping you talked to the pdoc and things are headed in the right direction.
  8. I don’t know if anyone has info on this or not, but here goes. I’ve looked through the internet and couldn’t find anything. Does anyone know if taking lithium can affect. DTC (direct to consumer) DNA testing (Ancestry, etc.)? I’ve read some chemo meds may affect it, and that things such as denture adhesive can affect the quality but not change the test. What about lithium? Just asking since my results do show DNA matches at 2nd-3rd cousins on both maternal and paternal lines and way beyond but nothing on people closely related to me who’ve also tested. I’m certainly related to my parents given other DNA matches but even a maternal full uncle shows as a cousin and a paternal full uncle (dad’s paternal twin) and his daughter (my first cousin) don’t show at all, although I have matches with all the people who’ve tested a couple more generations back. Weird. Can’t find anywhere if lithium (all I currently take for BP) is doing something weird to my DNA showing less cMs or if I just am an anomaly. Lol. *correction: oops - I meant dad’s FRATERNAL twin.
  9. Thank you. I was able on the 3rd day to borrow money from my ex (an uncomfortable conversation, as I also told him why the doctor had me off - which does not excuse but may explain a whole lot of undiagnosed behavior from a couple decades ago when we were married - but glad I did it) and am grateful. I never want to go through how literally sick I made myself last weekend. I know I tend to instantly go to the worse case scenario. I do know about the UD and that it takes time to actually evict (California) - was just fed up with my situation and how I seem to go one step forward, two back. Thank God I have no credit cards. I know I’m not mentally at the point, yet, that I’d always use them responsibly (being honest). I’m looking for weekend only p/t work to supplement my f/t job. I don’t know if anyone else finds the 2nd job thought overwhelming. My meds help me, but make me tired and I’m exhausted, especially since my job entails working all day with very needy people (financially and/or mentally). It can be draining. But ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Rents are high in this state, even in a metropolitan suburb. Not keen on changing my location since I live in the cheapest area around the area and my grown kids live within an hour. I know it’s my choice to not move to another state. So the search is on for weekend work. I sincerely hope I keep it together and have no more time off! I sure appreciate the replies.
  10. This is something I’m thinking about a lot lately. People without a mental illness don’t understand the costs we have: broken relationships, lost jobs, and poor spending episodes (putting it mildly). Add in all the costs of meds, doctor visits, therapy appointments - I didn’t choose this, but it is what it is. Staying on meds, for me, has created some stability after years without any. But now I face homelessness in a couple days unless a miracle occurs. I’m pissed off at myself for HAVING this, although I can’t control that I do. I’ve been depressed for quite a while, but still able to get to work. Over a year ago, when first diagnosed, I was off a few months, a total wreck, and am still crawling out from the financial fallout. Last month the pdoc added a new med. Within a week, I was hearing voices (not something I do) and was terribly depressed and had suicidal ideation. I quit the med and felt better within a week. During that time I took two days off work and hibernated, feeling hopeless and majorly depressed the first day. The next day I went to the pdoc and told her the effects of the new med I’d stopped. I went because my work demands a dr note to return to work. Telling her I felt like crap but have to work because I’m alone and have no back-up for money, I needed the note. She refused and said I’d get no note until I went through IOP. I went and after week 3 I told a dr there I’m ok and can’t continue because I must work. Got the note, no problem. They said they wanted me to stay off at least 2 more weeks, maybe more, but gave me the release. *sigh* Been back at work a couple wks and doing pretty well. The first of the month came and I had no way to pay my rent. A small disability pymt was expected but hadn’t arrived (not enough for rent anyway). The way our pay works, and since I was gone 3 wks, no pay for me until the end of the month. Yesterday I came home to a 3 day notice on my door. The property management is a big corporation and not willing to even give a few days and see from my dr release I’ve been out, doctor’s orders. I’ve asked a couple of people but they can’t help. I’m sad that I’ve failed. Loathing myself and my illness at all right now, I’m just hit in the face how much having this sucks. The costs go way beyond buying something one doesn’t need. Even when doing things the way they’re supposed to be done, it still can bite ya in the butt. Tired. Exhausted. Fed up. Rant over.
  11. Thanks! I hadn’t heard of this book. Looks good and I’ll order it.
  12. Can anyone please aim me toward a site or, better yet, a video that truthfully shows what it’s like to have bipolar disorder? I was diagnosed with BP1 a bit more than a year ago. My kids are adults, don’t live with me and never asked - until one of them did, yesterday: “What it is it, really? What is it like?” - and I’m at a loss to properly explain it. She has a boyfriend now with BP and he’s been pretty stable so she doesn’t know. I always held it together pretty well, for decades, so my kids didn’t realize anything was wrong. They just thought of me as enthusiastic and a bit quirky, and sometimes sad (before meds - now I’m never enthusiastic, flat, sad af, and exhausted 24/7). And due to my meds I cannot think well enough to explain it well . ? Any help is appreciated.
  13. Ends up pdoc did lower lithium after I asked again so I could take ibuprofen. Keeping up with blood tests for lithium levels and so far haven’t risen much. At least the inflammation and pain is more tolerable. Thanks for your replies.
  14. I work full time and have had the job 5 yrs. I’m amazed I’m still there, as I have missed a lot of work due to bipolar, med changes that have gone wrong, and physical injuries from a car accident. I live alone and cannot afford to go on disability. I’m in social services and it’s really too much for me. Not sure how much longer I can constantly deal with the public. Until I leave, guess it’s just “fake it ‘til you make it”.
  15. I was wondering about both those publications. Will look into them.
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