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the once.andfuture.quark

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    when I'm worn out and drowning in self hatred and cliff bars; video games. when I have the energy to think; poetry, pagan religions, nature, studying ancient culture and belief systems. oh, and candles. and I have a cat.
  1. a little update now that I'm more or less out of my depressive cycle; the new, psychotic symptoms, as well as my paranoia, have subsided- apart from my newfound anxiety about being mildly delusional, of course.
  2. this has happened to me a few times. I did leave earlier this year, but that lasted about a week before I realized my mistake. My husband is very attentive, and understanding. I'm quite a lucky gal, but my issues and our clashing personalities can make it difficult for us to get along. we're crazy for eachother, though, so we've made it work, but it's been far from an easy road for either of us. i was angry about my issues, so I took it out on him. From your description, that doesn't sound like your situation, but idk. I know mental illness can make it difficult to be around people that we love. I also know that people continue to grow as individuals throughout their lives, and sometimes that means growing apart. maybe you just need some space to figure yourself out, without the distraction of your everyday duties. There's nothing wrong with that.
  3. I had a very bad episode of psychosis when I went up to 20mg of Lexapro. It went away a while after I discontinued the medication. (maybe a month?) Some here doubt that an SSRI can do that, but my pdoc seems open to the possibility, even if initially skeptical. That was my only bad episode of psychosis I've ever had, although I have had the occasional delusion or hallucination over the years from what I've read about bupropion, it can exacerbate symptoms of psychosis in people who have a predisposition to psychotic symptoms or existing issues in that area (badly worded, but I'm exhausted).
  4. Saintalto, I said "not nearly every time." just wanted to clarify. up until recently, as I said, it hardly every happened. it's gotten worse over the past 2-4 months (not really sure about the time frame, as it wasn't all that noticeable at first.) i would also like to add that I haven't increased my smoking habit. I've actually cut back quite considerably the past two months. this is also the first time I've taken an antidepressant for longer than a few weeks, and the sleep med is new to me, as well. I haven't 100% ruled out weed, but I can't imagine why it would suddenly give me these new issues unless it's also reacting poorly with the medication
  5. this will not be a short post. i thought that I had everything sorted. I honestly believed that I had these answers and they were correct and I wouldn't have to worry about anything else. how naive am I! here is the rundown of my known issues. major depression, generalized and social anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks. nothing has been officially established about my paranoia, but it's been getting worse. all of my symptoms have, since I left home. I'm currently on welbutrine (150mg), and amnytriptyline for sleep. I also smoke marijuana, which I've done regularly for over two years (I read something yesterday about pot causing psychotic symptoms in people who already predisposed, but it's not nearly every time I smoke, and the paranoia happens when I'm sober). I spend a lot of my time at home. I did at my parents because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, but it continued after I left. along with my paranoia getting worse, I've been having other symptoms of psychosis the past week or so. the last two panic attacks I've had included delusional thinking and halucinations. I haven't straight-up seen anything, but during the first occurrence, I saw the air beside me sort of vibrate. I began hearing different octaves of ringing in my ears, and at one point I could hear a woman vocalizing and the same voice telling me to "listen". during the second panic attack, I thought that someone in the government was listening in on my thoughts. I then realized that they probably heard that, and we're about to kill me. in my head, I tried to reason with them, but came to the conclusion they were already killing me. I felt some sort of hot liquid being poured on my head. I could feel it moving down my scalp, and thought it was poison. then I began to hear really intense ringing in my left ear. I couldn't hear the tv over it, although I could hear my husband moving around on the couch beside me. at that point, I got up and walked onto the porch, and was able to reason myself back to reality. when I went to bed that night I felt like there was something in the room. I have somewhat of an idea of what this.. creature, it's not even human, looks like. i felt like it was there to hurt me. I am currently in therapy, and I see my therapist again in two days. I'm just very, very worried about these symptoms. they're terrifying. any help you can offer is greatly appreciated
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