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  1. My mom has depression and ocd. We don't know much about her side of the family as she immigrated at a young age and we don't know who they are. On my dad's side I have a few cousin's getting treatment for depression. They're all younger than me and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if some of them end up actually having bipolar as the way their moods wax and wane really reminds me of myself when I was younger and not diagnosed.
  2. I'm fine with feeling like this if it means stability. I guess I just feel flat, that's how I'd describe it. I don't even really have any side effects, I'm losing weight which I understand is the opposite of the norm on these medications. The only thing I've noticed other than feeling flat and slowed down is that if I'm at all nervous or don't drink a ton of water during the day my hands shake like a stick in the wind. Honestly I probably shouldn't complain, this is the closest I've felt to "normal" in the past few months and I'm finally able to start repairing the damage I had started to do while in episodes. It just feels weird when my kids do something that should make me really happy, and I know I should feel happy and I want to but I don't.
  3. It's been a long time since I've been on psych meds, I don't quite remember what it felt like to have a working combination. I'm on 300mg of Wellbutrin and 1000mg of Depakote and I feel.... different I guess? I don't feel manic, depressed, or like I did when I was in remission. I feel like I'm just barely tipping towards depression but whenever I feel myself start to sink too far for a brief moment I bob back up. Mostly I feel slowed down though, but that might be because I'm just coming off of a manic episode. I'm just wondering if this is how I'm supposed to feel on meds? I mean it's better than the alternative of having full blown episodes and I'm doing well at work again, but I was expecting something different.
  4. I've had 3 years between episodes before. I actually thought I was somehow cured, I completely forgot how it felt to be manic or depressed. And then my hopes were dashed, since then I are to have an episode each month, usually lasting 3+ weeks. I'm not sure if it's a reflection of how well or not well I'm doing. I just kind of ride the waves as they come.
  5. I think if I lived in a city or something I'd be more inclined to tell. But I live in a rural area, I don't know how people would react. If I told someone it's no doubt everyone would know, and if they shunned me because of it I'd be screwed unless I moved. It's happened before, a young woman with PTSD and anxiety disorders lives in the next town over and they weren't very kind of receptive of her.
  6. I've had similar experiences to this where I feel hypomanic but with weird and unpleasant thoughts, like the sun following me so that it could take me away. I mentioned it to my previous psychiatrist and I remember her mentioning something called schizoaffective possibly. But that was right before I had to stop seeing her. That's basically how I feel, thank you. At least I know I'm not alone and other people have felt it too.
  7. I'm actually losing weight on Depakote. But that tends to be the effect of most meds on me except for antipsychotics which make me balloon. Even if it does though, I think if you stick to a meal plan it should be controllable.
  8. I moved my appointment up a week, it was as early as I could get. Early next week...
  9. I don't really feel like either of those, I don't think. I'm constantly on the verge of crying, full of anxiety when I'm not usually an anxious person at all. I'm full of energy, but it feels awful, like really nervous energy. My head is full of thought after thought, fast like when I'm manic but they're all negative. I'm starting to get a bit paranoid, I can feel it. Like, that people are talking about me, they're trying to replace me at work, that people are watching and spying on me.
  10. I feel like I might be in one, but the descriptions I can find online are as confusing as how I'm feeling. I think if I heard what they feel like for others, maybe it would help me identify it myself?
  11. I can usually tell when I'm becoming depressed based on physical symptoms. I feel heavy, everything hurts, breathing takes more effort. Hypomania I can usually only tell based on the feeling of euphoria and racing thoughts. Even then sometimes it's not noticeable to me unless someone else mentions something.
  12. I didn't tell her everything but I told her I wasn't taking my lithium and why, and that I was still feeling hypomanic or manic. She changed me to Depakote, made sure I had already given my credit cards to my wife, and sent me on my way. I'm going to wait until Friday night to try taking it, because I can't really afford any more sick days on this paycheque. I felt so great when I wrote this last night but since I got out of my appointment I just feel blah now, like I'm still kind of up in the energy and activity department but I almost feel depressed now at the same time. Just been in a constant merry-go-round of feeling great and feeling depressed for the past month and I wish my brain would just pick one and stick to it so I can plan ahead a bit....
  13. I have an appointment tomorrow, it was supposed to be to go over my blood levels for lithium but I haven't been able to keep two doses in a row down because it makes me so sick so I gave up trying taking them. I'm not sure what to say, or if I share say anything, or what? I don't know how to describe this, I'm so conflicted by the fact that I don't really feel like anything is wrong and the fact that other people, both here and my wife, are telling me that I'm manic.
  14. Is that something we can do here? I'm sorry if it's not, still trying to figure things out in terms of what is and isn't acceptable. I think I might be manic. If I stop and think about what I'm doing or how I'm acting from an external viewpoint that's what it looks like. I don't feel manic though, at least not how my previous episodes have been. It all started a couple months ago, I got manic for about a month and then bounced between hypomania and depression for a bit. For about a week now though I've felt... different. I think it might be because most of my manias have sort of a dysphoric twist to them and I feel like this one doesn't. Everything just feels so clear, I feel absolutely great like I'm high on drugs (I'm not, I gave up drugs, drinking, and smoking when I got diagnosed). I feel like the universe is speaking to me, like I'm destined to do something great that will better the world. And I'm being guided towards that goal by a higher force, it's like an invisible hand is manipulating the world around me to ensure I get where I need to be. I can hear it whispering my name and calling my attention to important things. It urges me to write everything down and writing is just so beautiful you know? When you look at language is just amazing how we can transfer our thoughts and wishes to another person simply by making shapes and lines on a paper. I feel like I could just float away right now I'm so happy, my whole mind is electrified but in a good way!
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