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Montague

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About Montague

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  1. I am on day 2 of freaking out about my nails. Backstory: Ever since I can remember, I have obsessed over my fingernails. I traded one obsession for another. Awful nail biting turned into polishing and then picking it off every other day. Then I began clipping the skin around my nails obsessively. I've done this for ~ 15 years. I also had nail enhancements (acrylics, gel manicures, press-ons, etc.) constantly. I have over 120 bottles of nail polish and a tub of enhancement tools to do acrylics and such. My husband finally demanded I get help. I constantly bite the skin around the nails, pick at it, or am touching/tapping/clicking my fingernails constantly. It is a nervous tick I never realized had gotten out of control. My husband took my cuticle nipper tool away and told me to bring this up to my psychiatrist. Since he made me aware of this, I have started realizing how often I mess with my nails. It is nearly constantly and habitual. (I counted my fingers in my mouth about 4 times in an hour, and that is just what I became aware of.) Currently, my nails are all-natural. It is killing me. I normally have some sort of polish or other enhancement. My cuticle nipper is hidden. It is killing me. The only thing I AM allowed right now is cuticle oil to keep my very toughened skin moisturized. After years of clipping, it is pretty much calloused. I hate obsessing like this, but I figured this would be the place to vent this panic/obsession. Any suggestions for me?
  2. Hey all, I have noticed that my memory has dwindled to zero these days. I had an evaluation done at the VA hospital memory clinic. They said they see no issue at all with my memory, but rather deduced that due to PTSD and daily pain I suffer, it is affecting my attention span, which in turn affects memory. I didn't have this issue like this last semester. It is awful. Anyone else with issues like this? Any tips? I need to pass. I am not doing a very good job because I cannot test well. I may spend 2 to 3 hours on homework and get very good grades, but my 1 hour allotted for tests is not a help.
  3. I am on Cymbalta, though a lower dose than what I probably SHOULD be taking. I told my doctor it makes my memory HORRIBLE AND I am a zombie. I cannot take the higher doses for that reason, but I am still very much dealing with a lot of depression. Maybe I should ask about an add-on. I'm overwhelmed at school and I am just shutting down.
  4. I have had depression for years. I don't usually feel like I cant do anything. I can usually still push myself to do what I need to do. I just hit the proverbial wall. I have school work piling up, and I just don't care. I looked at it and just pushed it away. I know I cannot do this. I NEED to do well. I NEED to do this work and pass classes. I just cannot make myself think about this work. It is the worst. I am not sure there is a way to fix this at the moment. I just want to sit in the shower and let the hot water pour over me. And WHY? I don't really have a good reason to feel this way. I just do. I'm sure many of you can relate. I just needed to know I am not just lazy. I feel like I am. I just can't make myself do stuff.
  5. I understand how you feel. My mother is very similar. She denies wrongdoing on her part and constantly plays the victim about everything. She is almost a book definition of histrionic personality disorder, and it is VERY hard to deal with. Maybe your mother also shows those traits? I know how you feel, because there is no getting through to them. Everything is denied. I would be very careful in trusting any approaches from her. My mother has done this many times and ends up making the situation all about herself.
  6. I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea suddenly after an assault. Id never had symptoms before, then it came on out of the blue.
  7. Because I have a dear friend that is in need of a 2nd liver transplant because of a bile duct disease that has no cure, yet here I am pickling mine recklessly.
  8. I've come to the realization that my family has repeatedly taken advantage of me, and I have allowed it because of BPD. It is so hard to tell them "no" about anything, because I love them. They contact me only when they need help, then I am left alone again. Example: my father had major back surgery 3 weeks ago. I was there for him for EVERYTHING. Not one of my other family members helped at all. I was running myself ragged while still trying to keep up with schoolwork. I was contacting him very 2 hours to remind him to take meds and making sure he was ok (so if he didn't respond, I would go check to be sure he hadn't fallen). I still have been contacting him, though a little less frequently, and I've been getting no response until I've texted many times to tell him I am worried and ready to come over and check on him. Now that he is recovering well and more mobile, he won't have much to do with me again. This is all the time. All of my family. They take advantage of my willingness to help, then ditch me when they get back in control. Part of me is ashamed that I do not tell them no. It is unfair that they treat me like this. The few times I have never asked them for any help, I've been ignored. WHY can't I just say no?!
  9. I was just curious if any of you have tried kratom for pain, and if you can give any info on how well it did? I am considering trying it. I am not happy with "taking motrin" (as the doc tells me to do). I have been in a lot of pain for many years. There is a limit to what is healthy from motrin and others. I'd have passed that long ago, if I'd listened to doctors.
  10. Thank you so much for the encouragement, you guys. I was in the VA PTSD clinic for almost a year with a therapist that I liked a lot, but due to a really stupid policy, I cannot stay in the PTSD Clinic and they kicked me out of therapy because, even though I could make my individual therapy sessions faithfully, I was unable to make the group sessions each week as well because they were during class times. They had another group open on Thursdays that I could have made, but they will only allow you to trade groups during a few times in the year. It was a "four misses and you are out" thing. Policies like this are why veterans are unable to get adequate mental health care. I tried to tell them that I was going through a tough time with my grandfather having had a heart attack, and they wouldn't make any exceptions. My friend is back this semester at school, but she has been unreachable lately. I know that the start of the semester is pretty busy for everyone, and I have to try to remember that. I also was diagnosed with BPD, and I have to remind myself that she is probably just very busy and not abandoning me. Thankfully my husband is very supportive. Him and my son are my motivation many times. I appreciate you guys just letting me vent and sending the words of encouragement.
  11. I had a really great semester in school in the fall. It has been 10 years since I was in college, and I was enjoying it so much. I even met a friend! Fast forward: Since October, on my birthday, things have felt like shit. My grandfather had a massive heart attack on my birthday, and the other grandfather was in the hospital for an emergency. Since then, I have tried to keep positive, but I have been down. I was very excited for Christmas (for the first time in a few years). Christmas was always special to me, and the last few years have been rough, but this year, I felt like me again....until...the 1st grandfather I mentioned died on Christmas Eve after another heart attack. This Christmas was very unhappy. I have felt very down about returning to school. I started classes again on Monday. I just don't have the excitement about it though. So far, my classes are discouraging, and I just feel no motivation. I WANT motivation though. I SO BADLY do. I feel like it might be the only thing that will propel me through the semester...my WISH for motivation.
  12. This morning, I woke up to a phone call that told me my grandfather passed away. He'd had a massive heart attack on my birthday in October, and had been struggling since. Holidays seem to bring me bad luck. My grandmother passed near Christmas years ago. Someone broke into my house and stole our Christmas presents several years back. I had a cat I loved very much die a painful death at the emergency vet on Easter many years ago. I had an uncle commit suicide near Thanksgiving while I was pregnant with my son, and finally, I was sexually assaulted by a fellow servicemember the day before my wedding anniversary. I want to enjoy holidays...I just seem to have such disgusting situations happen around them. Sorry...had to rant. Have a nice holiday, everyone. ~Monty
  13. I am not sure how to say this, but I am freaking out, and considering that I am in an alternate reality than I was in the 90's. I remember a "Windows 97" and a Windows version that featured a "spot" that was red that, when clicked on, allowed you to access menu features (kinda like a quick-access menu). He says they didn't exist. All info I read online seems to point to a questionable existence of Windows 97, and nothing for the windows version with the spot. I know I used this version of windows with the spot for about a year or so (between 95 and 98). I'm scared I am fucking crazy and nobody else remembers this. I KNOW I had it. The only thing I can think of right now is the Many Worlds Interpretation. Anyone have any input?
  14. I have noticed that I can be completely relaxed and chill, but at times if someone says something or touches me without me expecting it, I can become instantly FURIOUS. Anyone else have this issue? Anyone have any suggestions on how to "bring it down"? I get extremely angry...literally wanting to become violent...at the drop of a hat. I feel bad, but I do not always know what to do about it. Any suggestions are helpful. Thank you in advance.
  15. Oh. Joy. Can I just not? Not anything. NOTHING!

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