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    You see, madness....is a lot like gravity - all it takes is a little push.

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  1. I've been off my meds for about a month now as I never can remember to take them. Last night my fiance and I got into an argument while I was making dinner and it got really bad. He's Bipolar and not on meds right now, but he usually manages it pretty well (he has BP2). He's been super maniac the last few days (full moon, anyone?) and with our current situation at home which includes a lot of variables that have contributed, he's also been extremely cranky. I hate when he yells at me, I want to mention he has NEVER, EVER threatened to put a hand on me, but growing up my parents did a little uh, mental abuse here and there about me being "Crazy". And it usually ended in me in my room, bawling. I began crying because he had been yelling, and wouldn't back off and give me space. Me, being my overdramatic self TW: pulled a knife on him. A FUCKING KNIFE I'd never hurt him. Ever. I want to put that out there. Unless he hurt me. Like actually, physically put his hands on me. I have a friend who lives a couple blocks away, and I called him to come over and diffuse the situation. He gave me the good ol cop talk of "I can arrest you for that, don't do it again", sitch. And he mediated between us both. I also know that if he felt like my fiance was in danger, he'd have me arrested or do it himself. My fiance even said he doesn't feel unsafe and part of me doesn't get why..... I put the knife down in the kitchen and was crying so hard because that is not like me at all. (This was before he came over. I had literally no intentions of using it, but I am so fucking overdramatic it's unreal.) I'm now in a constant state of worry that my fiance's mental health is worse because of me. He's had abusive exes in his past and I vowed to never be one. He has PTSD from being abused as a kid, too. So he's really screwed A lot of this post is me "venting" or getting things off my chest. I'm going to try to do better with my meds. To add insult to injury, my therapist moved away a few months ago and never told me. Not a word, so I have a new appt with a new one in my psych office this week...and I'm worried about unloading this onto her. I'm worried about a new therapist in general. I don't like new things. The entire situation, thinking about it, makes me sick to my stomach.....I...don't know how else to feel.....
  2. If someone gives any advice lemme know. My fiance is Bipolar and I'm Borderline....
  3. I had a friend who really needed help because she had a drug problem, so bad in fact she lost custody of her kids, and is now in prison. She's only 25 years old. That being said, I realized you cannot help people who do not want to be helped and that after awhile it gets very exhausting. It sounds like your spouse is currently in the position. This whole thing sounds like a big mess I personally wouldn't want to be apart of. If you also suffer from MI it is just more stress on you. I get that you love your spouse, but they've also made it kinda evident they don't love you....so what's the point in staying? You could find someone way better, who treats you right, and loves you just as much as you love them. No sense in dragging out a relationship and being the only one pulling your weight.
  4. My fiance has been losing weight recently. He's down 20 lbs and is like 228 lbs now. I've gained weight, but it was also that time of the month. I kinda go after chubby dudes as is, and always worry if they weigh less than me I become unnattractive. His affection towards me hasn't really gone down, it's stayed the same really. I tell him my concerns of me gaining while he's losing, and he says he'll love me no matter what. And that he also doesn't want me skinnier, he just wants me to be happy. But, at the same time he thinks my best friend is too big, [she's considered a SSBBW i'm a BBW if anyone knows what those mean...] but he said the difference too is that if I got as big as her he loves me, not her. I just worry his eyes may start to wander to other girls who aren't as big, although he does prefer curvier women, and I do actually have curves, i'm just a bit chunky. I've got a big bust, wide hips, and a big lower half, plus an hourglass figure, but a bit of a tummy.... And lately I've been more anxious as well about losing him to the point of nightmares, although it seems that they're symbolizing to not worry and to trust him [I die in them, and regret leaving things "left unsaid" with him basically.] Also a gentle reminder, this is my first longest relationship [been almost 2 years now coming this fall, been engaged for a full year now, too as of june.], first engagement, and hopeful marriage in the next few years. He's been married twice. I'm hoping to get us in for a premarital counseling appt cause we've not been in awhile this coming week, also. I feel like I've just put him on this pedastal of perfect cause let's face it he IS WAY better than anyone else I've been with putting up with my anxiety attacks, insecurities, etc etc etc, and it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen and I hate that I'm like that. And he tells me to stop thinking he's perfect too, cause he ain't but he is to me...
  5. I hate how my anxiety makes me overthink everything. Here lately, my relationship especially. It intrudes into my head and it makes me wanna say, "who do you think you are, coming into my head, and making me feel these negative thoughts?!" Like, really, who!? That might sound strange, but it's truly how I feel. I hate feeling unsure of my relationship. It makes me feel ill. I've been trying to take my meds consistently lately, I missed the day I had counseling...which is odd because we talked about my inconsistency of taking my meds. We've been together a little over a year now, which is pretty new for me. Never had a relationship last that long. Maybe I'm scared I'll get hurt or something? But, I know I won't. A lot of it is the whole "what if he isn't good for me?" spiel. My parents aren't very fond of what he does for work, but he does his best to take care of us, and put up with my anxiety and other issues. All in all he's pretty great, but my brain makes me want to over analyze everything and I wish I could make it shut up. My mom said she thinks it's making me realize that my relationship isn't healthy or something to that effect. Does anyone else have issues like this with their relationships? I saw a blog post about it from a girl who also suffered from GAD and I cried. It explained everything I've felt for so long when it comes to relationships, or at least this one. I feel like I'm alone in these feelings, usually. I know these feelings aren't normal, and I don't like them
  6. When I was in high school and told my stepmom I was bisexual, she said I wouldn't know until I slept with a girl.... So, does that mean you won't know you're straight until you sleep with the opposite sex? She blew me off and said it was just a phase - it very much was not. Now she might believe me, I don't know, or care really. I'm 21 years old and I live on my own, and I am going to live the life I want to live - with or without my parents permission/approval seeing as most things I do don't appease them much as it is. If you are that concerned with your brother's opinion of your sexual orientation you can always ask him about it. Not just in passing. Explain to him your feelings are real, and are valid, and shouldn't be swept aside.
  7. I've looked up various music for my headaches, to help me sleep, and hell even for nausea because I believe music can help. And a lot of what pulled up for headaches and the nausea was binaural beats. Like ANC said, you can find playlists of them on YouTube - for free! Try looking some up if it's something you want to try. They are very soothing.
  8. > What's the point in trying anymore? Well, I assume that you've been in school for awhile? You've paid for classes, registration, books, etc. And you've paid with your time, that you'll never get back? Why just give up and waste all that effort, time, and money? Especially on your class you don't excel in? I've not been in class for awhile, for financial reasons, that's it right now. My GPA is under a 2.0 right now because I fucked off in a class and didn't go to the other. I actually did all of my remedial math I needed to, and passed. Math is not my subject. I've been in remedial classes since I was in junior high, and now in college. If I don't get my GPA back up, I can't transfer - anywhere. And if you get financial aid like I did, that's aid wasted on you that could have gone to someone else. Student loans, wasted. Grants, wasted. All of it, wasted. Don't waste this stuff! Especially since you love some of your classes, that's the point of the ones that are aiming towards the degree you want - you choose your degree plan. I know basic courses suck, I'm still doing them, well when I'm in school. But your degree is suppose to be used towards a career, a career is something you like to do, love to do, or enjoy doing. A job is..a job! > ......And my parents keep on shoving that in my face, like I'm not good enough. And getting a degree towards a career could mean a better life for yourself, including making your parents proud. Trust me, on the parent part, been there, still doing that. Seems like nothing I do will appease my dad. I graduated high school early, with honors, because I wanted to and began college. I also worked a full time and part time job while getting full time college hours. He wasn't proud of me, if he was he had a funny ass way of showing it. When I started college, I wasn't diagnosed with anything. No meds, nothing. I had bad anxiety attacks, too. I got physically ill and had to go home. I did my best to not skip classes though. Have you seen your therapist/pysch. [whoever you see] lately? Sounds like you may need to, or even a college counselor. I even saw my college counselor when I had issues with my mental health and class, and then my therapist. Because one was school based and one was more mental health based, and usually combined their advice together. A quote I'm pulling from the movie The Haunted Mansion, that Madame Leota said quite well, "You try, you fail, you try, you fail - the only true failure is when you STOP trying." If you give up now, and give up on yourself, then you'll be failing. If you're still putting forth effort, you're still trying. That's what's important. I don't feel like I'm giving you sympathy, I feel like I'm throwing some tough love your way. I know with my degree - I want to teach or do social work - I'll have many more career choices available. I know that teachers may not make great money, but 30k-40k a year, depending on what state I teach in, is better than SSI each month plus whatever my fiance makes. Like, a lot better. And that would just be my salary, and I'm pretty sure some benefits? I've always also loved helping people. And I like working with kids! I hate the fact it's hard for me to afford school right now, and there's some things I need to do to get back in, but that's a huge story I'm not explaining right now. Class also got me out of the house, so I wasn't sitting at home all day....and all night...doing nothing. Even if your parents never act like they're proud of you, you can always be proud of yourself. If anything. And think of the life you've made for yourself once you do get that degree and a place to live, etc or whatever it is you really want in/from life. I hope I gave a good bit of advice here.
  9. I took it when I got with my old doctors, who were also older than dirt. I'm told that it's a pretty old drug for depression, and it didn't do a whole hell of a lot for me. I'm on Zoloft now, actually, and it's worked for me when I took it like I should. I don't recall the Nort. being sedating, maybe mild weight gain. I've always been heavy, though, so it's a bit hard to tell actually. I hope you find something that works for you.
  10. You're more than likely bisexual seeing as you still have an attraction to both genders, and not just one.
  11. There are plenty of people who "are gay when they're drunk/drink", or something to that affect. I sort of think it's bullshit, but....meh. I'm pansexual. It would confuse me if I met a girl in a bar and it was getting a little hot and heavy or something along those lines and come to find out when she sobers up she's not usually like that the next morning. As someone who's in the game, fully, and not just at certain times it does get frustrating. Nothing against you, not saying that, I am explaining though. Plenty of people have slept with the same gender/had sexual experiences/kissed, etc, just to explore and get a feel for something and found out it wasn't their something. It wasn't what they wanted, it didn't feel right...etc. etc. If you're wanting to explore more, then do so. Test the waters, especially before you go slapping a label on your sexual orientation. If you came to the conclusion you enjoyed sleeping with women or having romantic relationships with women, and only women, you might be a lesbian. Otherwise, you may be bisexual if you still like relationships with men. It sounds like you have some figuring out to do, because you're trying to see who you truly are. Don't hesitate to do so, either. Just know that, doing it while you've been drinking isn't the best way to found out....
  12. When I was in high school, I was in preference to men, but still liked women. I did still have romantic feelings to both, but I had a preference. Now, not so much. I'm engaged to a man, and am actually looking for a girlfriend....for me, and just me. I identify as pansexual, however, because gender no longer matters much to me. If I like you, I like you. I don't really care about what's between your legs. I get that society has made it seem like we have a survey in front of us, and there are some checkboxes in which we are suppose to explain who/what the hell we are, but fuck that. Really, fuck that. We will love who we will love, and be sexually attracted to who we will be sexually attracted to [in a legal sense, I am not saying that pedophilia is a good thing or some b.s. like that. I mean consenting adults]. We should just be allowed to be happy with whatever partners we have, and the life we have/choose. Fitting in isn't fun, why fit in when you can stand out? That's what makes you unique, and well, you! If you're happy doing and feeling the way you do, then don't worry about fitting into some little checkbox. Trust me, it won't work, the checkbox is way too small for your or even my entire personality. However, I do suppose if you're on a dating site, or something like that, or are being asked your sexual orientation you can just say you're bisexual instead of explaining your entire personal romantic life. You do you, boo.
  13. basically as everyone else is saying, you can't really become dependent off of something that quickly. the crying, etc is probably what you were trying to treat in the first place. just like it takes awhile for a medication to withdraw from your body completely, it takes awhile for you to become used to it as well. this is something my fiance has tried drilling into my head since i haven't been taking my meds like i should, it requires a constant routine of taking so it can build up in your system and do what it was meant to do.
  14. my fiance relates to this quite well, he writes a lot. well, we both write fanfiction.
  15. I take Zoloft, and have for awhile for my depression. It's helped me quite a lot, haven't had many side effects either, actually. If any. But, Zoloft is an SSRI not an SNRI which I didn't even know what an SNRI was until someone else mentioned it. Learn something new everyday!
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