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Everything posted by HisHarleQuinn

  1. I've been off my meds for about a month now as I never can remember to take them. Last night my fiance and I got into an argument while I was making dinner and it got really bad. He's Bipolar and not on meds right now, but he usually manages it pretty well (he has BP2). He's been super maniac the last few days (full moon, anyone?) and with our current situation at home which includes a lot of variables that have contributed, he's also been extremely cranky. I hate when he yells at me, I want to mention he has NEVER, EVER threatened to put a hand on me, but growing up my parents did a little uh, mental abuse here and there about me being "Crazy". And it usually ended in me in my room, bawling. I began crying because he had been yelling, and wouldn't back off and give me space. Me, being my overdramatic self TW: pulled a knife on him. A FUCKING KNIFE I'd never hurt him. Ever. I want to put that out there. Unless he hurt me. Like actually, physically put his hands on me. I have a friend who lives a couple blocks away, and I called him to come over and diffuse the situation. He gave me the good ol cop talk of "I can arrest you for that, don't do it again", sitch. And he mediated between us both. I also know that if he felt like my fiance was in danger, he'd have me arrested or do it himself. My fiance even said he doesn't feel unsafe and part of me doesn't get why..... I put the knife down in the kitchen and was crying so hard because that is not like me at all. (This was before he came over. I had literally no intentions of using it, but I am so fucking overdramatic it's unreal.) I'm now in a constant state of worry that my fiance's mental health is worse because of me. He's had abusive exes in his past and I vowed to never be one. He has PTSD from being abused as a kid, too. So he's really screwed A lot of this post is me "venting" or getting things off my chest. I'm going to try to do better with my meds. To add insult to injury, my therapist moved away a few months ago and never told me. Not a word, so I have a new appt with a new one in my psych office this week...and I'm worried about unloading this onto her. I'm worried about a new therapist in general. I don't like new things. The entire situation, thinking about it, makes me sick to my stomach.....I...don't know how else to feel.....
  2. If someone gives any advice lemme know. My fiance is Bipolar and I'm Borderline....
  3. I had a friend who really needed help because she had a drug problem, so bad in fact she lost custody of her kids, and is now in prison. She's only 25 years old. That being said, I realized you cannot help people who do not want to be helped and that after awhile it gets very exhausting. It sounds like your spouse is currently in the position. This whole thing sounds like a big mess I personally wouldn't want to be apart of. If you also suffer from MI it is just more stress on you. I get that you love your spouse, but they've also made it kinda evident they don't love you....so what's the point in staying? You could find someone way better, who treats you right, and loves you just as much as you love them. No sense in dragging out a relationship and being the only one pulling your weight.
  4. My fiance has been losing weight recently. He's down 20 lbs and is like 228 lbs now. I've gained weight, but it was also that time of the month. I kinda go after chubby dudes as is, and always worry if they weigh less than me I become unnattractive. His affection towards me hasn't really gone down, it's stayed the same really. I tell him my concerns of me gaining while he's losing, and he says he'll love me no matter what. And that he also doesn't want me skinnier, he just wants me to be happy. But, at the same time he thinks my best friend is too big, [she's considered a SSBBW i'm a BBW if anyone knows what those mean...] but he said the difference too is that if I got as big as her he loves me, not her. I just worry his eyes may start to wander to other girls who aren't as big, although he does prefer curvier women, and I do actually have curves, i'm just a bit chunky. I've got a big bust, wide hips, and a big lower half, plus an hourglass figure, but a bit of a tummy.... And lately I've been more anxious as well about losing him to the point of nightmares, although it seems that they're symbolizing to not worry and to trust him [I die in them, and regret leaving things "left unsaid" with him basically.] Also a gentle reminder, this is my first longest relationship [been almost 2 years now coming this fall, been engaged for a full year now, too as of june.], first engagement, and hopeful marriage in the next few years. He's been married twice. I'm hoping to get us in for a premarital counseling appt cause we've not been in awhile this coming week, also. I feel like I've just put him on this pedastal of perfect cause let's face it he IS WAY better than anyone else I've been with putting up with my anxiety attacks, insecurities, etc etc etc, and it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen and I hate that I'm like that. And he tells me to stop thinking he's perfect too, cause he ain't but he is to me...
  5. I hate how my anxiety makes me overthink everything. Here lately, my relationship especially. It intrudes into my head and it makes me wanna say, "who do you think you are, coming into my head, and making me feel these negative thoughts?!" Like, really, who!? That might sound strange, but it's truly how I feel. I hate feeling unsure of my relationship. It makes me feel ill. I've been trying to take my meds consistently lately, I missed the day I had counseling...which is odd because we talked about my inconsistency of taking my meds. We've been together a little over a year now, which is pretty new for me. Never had a relationship last that long. Maybe I'm scared I'll get hurt or something? But, I know I won't. A lot of it is the whole "what if he isn't good for me?" spiel. My parents aren't very fond of what he does for work, but he does his best to take care of us, and put up with my anxiety and other issues. All in all he's pretty great, but my brain makes me want to over analyze everything and I wish I could make it shut up. My mom said she thinks it's making me realize that my relationship isn't healthy or something to that effect. Does anyone else have issues like this with their relationships? I saw a blog post about it from a girl who also suffered from GAD and I cried. It explained everything I've felt for so long when it comes to relationships, or at least this one. I feel like I'm alone in these feelings, usually. I know these feelings aren't normal, and I don't like them
  6. When I was in high school and told my stepmom I was bisexual, she said I wouldn't know until I slept with a girl.... So, does that mean you won't know you're straight until you sleep with the opposite sex? She blew me off and said it was just a phase - it very much was not. Now she might believe me, I don't know, or care really. I'm 21 years old and I live on my own, and I am going to live the life I want to live - with or without my parents permission/approval seeing as most things I do don't appease them much as it is. If you are that concerned with your brother's opinion of your sexual orientation you can always ask him about it. Not just in passing. Explain to him your feelings are real, and are valid, and shouldn't be swept aside.
  7. I've looked up various music for my headaches, to help me sleep, and hell even for nausea because I believe music can help. And a lot of what pulled up for headaches and the nausea was binaural beats. Like ANC said, you can find playlists of them on YouTube - for free! Try looking some up if it's something you want to try. They are very soothing.
  8. > What's the point in trying anymore? Well, I assume that you've been in school for awhile? You've paid for classes, registration, books, etc. And you've paid with your time, that you'll never get back? Why just give up and waste all that effort, time, and money? Especially on your class you don't excel in? I've not been in class for awhile, for financial reasons, that's it right now. My GPA is under a 2.0 right now because I fucked off in a class and didn't go to the other. I actually did all of my remedial math I needed to, and passed. Math is not my subject. I've been in remedial classes since I was in junior high, and now in college. If I don't get my GPA back up, I can't transfer - anywhere. And if you get financial aid like I did, that's aid wasted on you that could have gone to someone else. Student loans, wasted. Grants, wasted. All of it, wasted. Don't waste this stuff! Especially since you love some of your classes, that's the point of the ones that are aiming towards the degree you want - you choose your degree plan. I know basic courses suck, I'm still doing them, well when I'm in school. But your degree is suppose to be used towards a career, a career is something you like to do, love to do, or enjoy doing. A job is..a job! > ......And my parents keep on shoving that in my face, like I'm not good enough. And getting a degree towards a career could mean a better life for yourself, including making your parents proud. Trust me, on the parent part, been there, still doing that. Seems like nothing I do will appease my dad. I graduated high school early, with honors, because I wanted to and began college. I also worked a full time and part time job while getting full time college hours. He wasn't proud of me, if he was he had a funny ass way of showing it. When I started college, I wasn't diagnosed with anything. No meds, nothing. I had bad anxiety attacks, too. I got physically ill and had to go home. I did my best to not skip classes though. Have you seen your therapist/pysch. [whoever you see] lately? Sounds like you may need to, or even a college counselor. I even saw my college counselor when I had issues with my mental health and class, and then my therapist. Because one was school based and one was more mental health based, and usually combined their advice together. A quote I'm pulling from the movie The Haunted Mansion, that Madame Leota said quite well, "You try, you fail, you try, you fail - the only true failure is when you STOP trying." If you give up now, and give up on yourself, then you'll be failing. If you're still putting forth effort, you're still trying. That's what's important. I don't feel like I'm giving you sympathy, I feel like I'm throwing some tough love your way. I know with my degree - I want to teach or do social work - I'll have many more career choices available. I know that teachers may not make great money, but 30k-40k a year, depending on what state I teach in, is better than SSI each month plus whatever my fiance makes. Like, a lot better. And that would just be my salary, and I'm pretty sure some benefits? I've always also loved helping people. And I like working with kids! I hate the fact it's hard for me to afford school right now, and there's some things I need to do to get back in, but that's a huge story I'm not explaining right now. Class also got me out of the house, so I wasn't sitting at home all day....and all night...doing nothing. Even if your parents never act like they're proud of you, you can always be proud of yourself. If anything. And think of the life you've made for yourself once you do get that degree and a place to live, etc or whatever it is you really want in/from life. I hope I gave a good bit of advice here.
  9. I took it when I got with my old doctors, who were also older than dirt. I'm told that it's a pretty old drug for depression, and it didn't do a whole hell of a lot for me. I'm on Zoloft now, actually, and it's worked for me when I took it like I should. I don't recall the Nort. being sedating, maybe mild weight gain. I've always been heavy, though, so it's a bit hard to tell actually. I hope you find something that works for you.
  10. You're more than likely bisexual seeing as you still have an attraction to both genders, and not just one.
  11. There are plenty of people who "are gay when they're drunk/drink", or something to that affect. I sort of think it's bullshit, but....meh. I'm pansexual. It would confuse me if I met a girl in a bar and it was getting a little hot and heavy or something along those lines and come to find out when she sobers up she's not usually like that the next morning. As someone who's in the game, fully, and not just at certain times it does get frustrating. Nothing against you, not saying that, I am explaining though. Plenty of people have slept with the same gender/had sexual experiences/kissed, etc, just to explore and get a feel for something and found out it wasn't their something. It wasn't what they wanted, it didn't feel right...etc. etc. If you're wanting to explore more, then do so. Test the waters, especially before you go slapping a label on your sexual orientation. If you came to the conclusion you enjoyed sleeping with women or having romantic relationships with women, and only women, you might be a lesbian. Otherwise, you may be bisexual if you still like relationships with men. It sounds like you have some figuring out to do, because you're trying to see who you truly are. Don't hesitate to do so, either. Just know that, doing it while you've been drinking isn't the best way to found out....
  12. When I was in high school, I was in preference to men, but still liked women. I did still have romantic feelings to both, but I had a preference. Now, not so much. I'm engaged to a man, and am actually looking for a girlfriend....for me, and just me. I identify as pansexual, however, because gender no longer matters much to me. If I like you, I like you. I don't really care about what's between your legs. I get that society has made it seem like we have a survey in front of us, and there are some checkboxes in which we are suppose to explain who/what the hell we are, but fuck that. Really, fuck that. We will love who we will love, and be sexually attracted to who we will be sexually attracted to [in a legal sense, I am not saying that pedophilia is a good thing or some b.s. like that. I mean consenting adults]. We should just be allowed to be happy with whatever partners we have, and the life we have/choose. Fitting in isn't fun, why fit in when you can stand out? That's what makes you unique, and well, you! If you're happy doing and feeling the way you do, then don't worry about fitting into some little checkbox. Trust me, it won't work, the checkbox is way too small for your or even my entire personality. However, I do suppose if you're on a dating site, or something like that, or are being asked your sexual orientation you can just say you're bisexual instead of explaining your entire personal romantic life. You do you, boo.
  13. basically as everyone else is saying, you can't really become dependent off of something that quickly. the crying, etc is probably what you were trying to treat in the first place. just like it takes awhile for a medication to withdraw from your body completely, it takes awhile for you to become used to it as well. this is something my fiance has tried drilling into my head since i haven't been taking my meds like i should, it requires a constant routine of taking so it can build up in your system and do what it was meant to do.
  14. my fiance relates to this quite well, he writes a lot. well, we both write fanfiction.
  15. I take Zoloft, and have for awhile for my depression. It's helped me quite a lot, haven't had many side effects either, actually. If any. But, Zoloft is an SSRI not an SNRI which I didn't even know what an SNRI was until someone else mentioned it. Learn something new everyday!
  16. even when I was taking my zoloft like I should, I didn't have this problem. [I say did because now I'm bad about remembering to take it...oops?] But. all medication effects everyone differently. My mom took Latuda and ended up in the psych. hospital for...reasons. I took it and didn't get as bad as she did.
  17. I don't have OCD, but I do have a bad habit of picking at any stray skin on my fingers. To the point I make them bleed, and break the skin. Now that I say this out loud, it does not sound very healthy.
  18. I don't always get depressed, I get pissy too. I only have two moods, well, three. Sometimes four, but usually just three. That being pissed off, depressed and sad, content, and occasionally super happy. Sometimes I get super pissy with people, I could yell at the grass just for being in the damn ground, pissy. If I'm super sad, I could be trying to do something, like work on my story and if I'm having writer's block I'll get sad and start crying. Or, if something isn't going the right way when I'm doing something else I'll cry, too. Or if I drop something in the floor, even. I don't think this is uncommon, sadly. Some "normal" people have these same emotions, ya know?
  19. I suffer from BPD, and I also like, LOVE attention, especially from my fiance. He goes out once a week on one of his days off to go game with his friends at their house. When we first got together, I hated it. Still kinda do, I wasn't worried he wouldn't come back, but I had a bad habit of being up his ass while he was gone. It annoyed everyone there, because the do Dungeons and Dragons gaming, and have a no phones policy essentially. I'm becoming to be like, this is my night to keep house more than I do when he's at work. Do dishes, clean the bathroom, take care of the cat's stuff if needed, stuff like that.[I also hate cleaning while he's home. He gets in the way, LOL] It's my "me time". I'm trying to look at the positive side of things. I'm fairly clingy when I'm in a relationship, I've been screwed before, and he knows it. I've essentially gotten to where I've "weaned myself off" basically. It took a lot of lecturing me, and telling me that he needed a night to himself, for his me time, with his friends. All couples need space, it's not abnormal, at all. Seeing as my fiance is also Bipolar and currently unmedicated, it's a bit of a good thing sometimes. If we're arguing, we NEED that space. And we get a night of it at least. You should try to look at the positive side if possible, and ask her if there's something ya'll can come to agree on. I would text/call my fiance constantly while he was gone. Then maybe every hour. Every few hours. Twice a night. Once a night. None. Unless it really couldn't wait until morning, although I have times where I'm super bored and might text, or think something's important and it really isn't. If I'm feeling anxious/depressed/don't feel well, then I'll text. If I want him to come home early, he usually does. But, another thing is, she can't allow you to beg her to come home, or enable you to feel so down/negative. I know my issue isn't as bad/big as yours, because I'm not self harming, but I'm giving my own experiences here. Couples do need their space, even if you think that is just ya'll going to work, or whatever, sometimes more space is needed. Socializing with peers is normal, and healthy. I don't have many friends myself, and so I find other things to do if the chores of the house get done while he's gone. Or I think, "I have the ENTIRE bed to myself! Weeeeeeeeee nap time!" Or I have me time and take a bubble bath, especially if my anxiety is tipping me off. Find some healthy coping methods, and activities to do while she is gone. Is there a movie or TV show you like, but she can't stand? Watch it. What about some music she doesn't like? Listen to it! She can't say anything if she isn't there! And part of me time is enjoying activities your partner may not like, but you do. I know I watch some of my shows/chick flicks while he's gone, too. We usually try doing things together when he is home, and awake. He works nights. You don't have to take her being gone as negative, turn it into a positive. Think of all the things you can do while she isn't home. My fiance likes singing in the shower, LOUDLY, I however, cannot stand it. Sing in the shower at the top of your lungs, dance around the living room naked or in your underwear. Just have fun, it doesn't have to be anything outlandish, but let loose.
  20. Hi all, it's been awhile. I'm diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, and lately haven't gotten much sleep. My fiance works overnight, and my sleep schedule has switched to his pretty much. Well, the last few days, I've been up 12+ hours. I've not been tired, really, and will end up crashing when I am. I get this luxury since I am home, all day, and keep house while he is gone. Upon looking across the net, BPD, doesn't have manic phases? Only Bipolar Disorder? But, I'm not diagnosed with that BPD, just, Borderline PD, so, what the hell? That's a pretty clear symptom of someone who is Bipolar, so I don't get why this is going on. Haven't really been depressed, am always stressed, though. Still have a bad habit of taking my meds regularly, this hasn't happened before though. I mean, when I was a teen, there were times I'd stay up all day and night, I maybe did it...once? But it's like I'm the energizer bunny, I just keep going and going. I'm not even tired, and my fiance is getting the shit end of this stick, cause I've been keeping him up, because I'm bored. Thoughts?
  21. So many Christian households have stuff like this happen. 9/10 because they're not actual Christians either. (No offense. I was a Christian but not anymore.) Your dad sounds abusive. And circling around the issue isn't going to fix it. You need to find a therapist or someone in your life to confide in. We can only help you so much over the internet. Stay safe.
  22. We're going to counseling again. My insecurities are being a b*tch again. I feel not good enough...again. ? my counselor says I may need daily affirmations...I think I need more? I had a break down earlier because I feel like I'm not what he wants. As per usual he says I'm the love of his life and that he wants to grow old with me.... This breakdown was triggered because of some of his porn choices. Turns out he's had two girls before and it wasn't just a fantasy. Now I'm jealous. I've offered him a three some. He says no. I've offered to let him sleep with someone else. He says no. I've offered an open relationship and he says no. He says he's happy with me and only me because he loves me. But I've got my doubts.... I've basically told my dad "f**ck off" two times because I love my fiance I really do. But at the same token we've been together almost a year at the end of this month. I've never had a relationship last this long. And I even admitted part of me thinks we should end it because then he can't hurt me. He agreed that we need to go to counseling again this week. We already agreed before that premarital counseling was something we needed since I'm borderline and he's bipolar. We have some issues we need to hash out before we tie the knot. Might I also mention I'm 21. He's 43. He's been married twice and after getting screwed over twice vowed to never marry again but I changed his mind...I've never been married. I've had doubts and fits of "cold feet" lately despite us not having a date. But at the same time I don't see a future without him. I know I love him. I just worry I'm not what he wants. He said if I wasn't he would have left already.
  23. Yeah he just said that even if he and I were to break up, he would have a photo of me on his phone, even. I just find it odd, and I also meant like a photo of you two together, not necessarily the family. IMO, I wouldn't wanna. It would hurt too much. I mean hell, my dad asks about my mom from time to time. She IS my mom, and they WERE married for 11 years. And there are times I kinda...facebook stalk my exes out of boredom, LOL.
  24. I was reading a question from the relationship subreddit on, of course, Reddit to my fiancé. He mentions that sometimes people DO keep photos of an ex on their phone, which I kinda don't get if they have Facebook...isn't that kinda the point? Wouldn't you want to delete them so you don't get all hurt feelings again? Photos of the two of you, MAYBE. But just them? He says maybe to remember the good times you did have. Or if you were married to them and had kids, cause you still love them (that makes a LITTLE more sense, my dad still loves my mother, they were married and had me. He still loves the mother of his son, no matter what bad shit my mom did to my dad, or my fiancé's ex did to him, I get it. and children make a stronger bond in a marriage, IMO at least.) So what do yall think?
  25. Been awhile since I been here, a lot has happened in the last few months. I got engaged, my fiance was in jail for 2.5 mo, and it sucked. Now, he's back. We fought the first three days or so, cause we hadn't been around one another. Fighting's died down, but my jealousy issues are back and fucking kicking. Lovely, I know. Even with his checking out other woman or liking porn at times. I get a fear when we get married he'll find someone prettier and better, and leave me. Do I think he'll ever cheat? No. Leave? Maybe. He says he loves me will never leave, unless I do something insane i.e. stab him, shoot him, cause bodily harm, etc . He also referred to my jealousy as me being crazy. I've not been stable taking my meds, again. For awhile now.....or gone to counseling in awhile. Him being in jail kinda threw us off entirely. We've got our first pre-marital counseling session with my therapist (who's actually an LMC) next week. We used to go to sessions together, too. But I want our marriage to work, and he seems like he does, or says so. We currently aren't living together, either. He lives a couple blocks from me. A friend of his who's never liked me, doesn't like me being over. Won't say why. My dad doesn't like him being here, I moved back home. I just hope my jealousy issues go down, that I believe he cares. My dad doesnt like us being together, claims my fiance has no ambition. He has been out of jail maybe two weeks now, and just got his job back. Starts Sunday, my dad worries he won't be able to take care of me.....
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