And now I feel pretty much okay for the first time in a month.
The danger is, of course, starting to forget that there was a problem in the first place. I try and remember the events of the past 3-4 weeks and it's like it was an action film, but I'm only able to present it as a documentary.
Here are the facts about the down swing. It was roughly three weeks from onset. I did want to kill myself. I did feel such despair that I couldn't move. I was unable to think at all. My work fell apart. I could not articulate a single thing about my emotions. My flatmate forced me to call my doctor.
Here are the facts about the up swing. It was about 5 days. I could not think straight, I was unstoppable. Everything seemed more real and intense. I had too much energy to be useful. I had such a rush of thoughts that I was unable to process. I was irritable. I could not concentrate on anything. I was unable to filter out anything.
Except it doesn't really feel like it happened to me any more. Don't worry, not going to cancel therapy or anything stupid. Feeling stable is not being stable.
My state since my last post is improved. For a while I was like, I'm not going to kill myself but if someone pushed me in front of a train I wouldn't struggle much. But now I'm in the upward zone again. Really would like to get help with managing this soon.
I've come to the conclusion that if I kill myself, it won't be by choice. It will be because I failed to resist an attack which is no less real than a physical assault. If I'm culpable at all, it will be because I've failed to prepare myself for this attack well enough, which is reasonable because I know it will come.
So I am trying to prepare. I just want it to be on record that I'm trying.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...please don't do it..you'll regret it because most suicide attempts are unsuccessful because your instincts will keep you alive and then you'd be stuck in a shitty psych ward where you should be out there makin a livin.
Source: Personal experience
Hey, I appreciate your message That post was written days after the event that prompted it. I still feel like if I do kill myself, it will be because I didn't build up the coping strategy I need enough before the inevitable next round. But I'm trying to do that. Basically I'm sand bagging my life right now. Trying to build up a support network, trying to make sure that I have resources available to me in an emergency, and I feel like that's going okay.
I still need to get a referral to a psychiatrist, and I'm working on it. Next therapy appointment is this coming Monday and the intent behind these sessions right now is to get me a diagnoses.