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dangergirl

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About dangergirl

  • Rank
    you don't know what you don't know

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  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    The Big Bad City
  • Interests
    dare devil activities (motorcycle riding, sky diving, cliff diving, and pretty much anything with an adrenaline rush), metaphysical stuff, reading, traveling, the finer things in life (good food, good wine and good linens), camping and backpacking, yoga, gaming and family (even though they sometimes make me nuts - pun intended).

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  1. Thanks Titania...and of course, now you have me wondering what your other alias was...lol. I've been letting my emotions flow through me and honoring them - they are good and of course, have run the gamut. He came home at 2am this morning, I'd only gone to bed at 11:30 - and once he walked in the door, I was up for the duration and had horrible diarrhea starting around 5:30am. My gut is always the first to go. I managed maybe another half hour of sleep between 6:30 and 7 and then the dogs were having at me. Tried a nap and maybe got 1/2 hour in around 11:30. I was so exhausted, I just decided to leave and go to our other home. I feel very fortunate, a friend has offered me her place and an extra room at a mutual friend's place. I have my family if I need them and my parents will actually be in Italy for 10 days starting on the 5th. I talked to my therapist about my dx and she is going to review my file (needs to get it from her old job first). We're both leaning towards the idea that I am not, nor was I ever bipolar...probably some anxiety disorder of some sort, and still adhd and ocd, but.....those are not acute and are manageable. How many people get to have TWO identity crisis in 6 yrs...wait, I forgot where I am, don't answer that...lol.
  2. Well, Lys, I was safe last night - I think I may have worked myself up into a frenzy over things based on past history.
  3. Thanks Olga I've already been checked for STD's and already been to a lawyer - did both of those things the very next day - no fooling around with me. Haven't gotten my blood work back though I'm still not working Part of his keeping me down, but I started looking already and a recruiter contacted me yesterday - so I could have something soon. I'm just scared of what's going to happen when he walks through that door - ugh!
  4. Also - I have a dilemma and need some practical advice: Once he said he wanted a divorce, he left. He said he didn't want to be in our apartment if I were here (we have another house, which he expects me to "run away to"). When he realized that I had things to take care of here, he got very angry. He left on Thursday and we have not spoken since. He went away on a business trip - Saturday evening, he tried to sneak in while he thought I'd be out walking the dogs. I got home before he could "escape". No words were spoken and we didn't even acknowledge each other (I was completely fine with that). He ran out as if his pants were on fire (mentally, I'm sure they were). He returns somewhere around 5pm - I know he expects me to be at the other house, but I've decided to stay here. I need some help with how to handle the confrontation that will inevitably ensue. I'd really appreciate any advise - thanks!
  5. Thanks everyone - and Auntie Olga, it might be nice to have some combat boots up his ass! MrTastyButt - you're pretty funny - I am absolutely not a cat fan - and I just received confirmation that I'm justified in my suspicions of cats - it turns out that most animals are in a position of submission when they are on their backs - but not cats! A cat will roll over, pull you on top of him, hold you with his front paws and disembowel you with his rear paws. My husband had a cat when I met him and at that time, I had a rule: no men with cats. I should've listened to myself...lol. Rosie and Testarosa - I had never heard the term gaslighting before, so I looked it up - found a "10 signs" article and cried (hard) all the way through it. This has been my life for the past 11 years. There's both pain and solace in knowing I'm not alone. The last symptom was depression - I had never been depressed before - even when going through hard times (let me correct that - I have had only one depressive episode in my life and that was in college and resolved itself quickly - I honestly blame teen angst on that one). It turns out that he's got narcissistic personality disorder. I had not realized it until I recently (as a result of him leaving) spoke with a bunch of friends who are all therapists. It is amazing what you learn when you share and get real with your friends. IT hurts to tell people about what you feel like is your "shame". I'm glad now that I did - it's only strengthened my resolve to leave (which was already pretty strong). What's worse is that now I'm pretty sure I'm not bipolar and he's known how difficult this has been for me. I have been living with this diagnosis for 6 years and couldn't understand why none of the medications seemed to work and why some made me feel so awful that I wanted to kill myself. I understand that he's mentally ill, but I had no idea that he could let me suffer so badly. I'm in shock. It hurts. I WILL be ok, but I'm just so worried about how much this has damaged me that I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship again.
  6. Thank you MrTastyButt (your name made me giggle, btw) - your comment made me feel heard and understood and cared for and I really need that right now. Lys - I do have lots of great support, thank you...and realized that my current sig is SO old...lol...even my therapist is throttled by this - I think, especially because my old tdoc suspected that I may not be bp as well. It's a fucked up thing - no one can do a blood test and say, yup, bipolar - they just GUESS - and then you start the med-go-round and damn if the side effects of half of those meds aren't symptoms of the very diagnoses they are meant to treat! And if you're already situationally depressed and anxious, won't mood altering meds make you feel better? And if you don't resolve the situation that was causing all of these problems, if you STOP taking them, you're gonna still feel like shit because the situation is exactly the same? And damn it, if sometimes, stopping them doesn't make you feel like shit just because it's gettin' out of your blood stream? I feel like I'm in the Matrix. btw - like the kitty pic
  7. I haven't been on here in a while, but well, this was just a massive blow and I wonder how many others have endured similar and what they did about it. My (soon to be ex) husband has serious psychological issues - I know this now more than ever - he was molested as a child and has never been to therapy, nor done anything to resolve all of the issues that go along with this. So, let's just say he's a mess. And well, I have a bunch of issues as noted below, so we make the perfect storm. One thing to note: a short while ago (maybe 6 months), my doctor (whom I've been seeing for about 4 yrs now) suggested that I might be "situationally bipolar". I asked her if that was even a thing or even possible - I mean, it's a chemical imbalance - how can it be situational? She said she didn't know, but was beginning to suspect that I was not bipolar. We stopped my meds and I started to have issues, so chalked it up to a failed experiment. (although, now I think they may have been helping with anxiety and depression, so...) However, now neither of us are sure. I recently cost my husband having an affair and in a slew of lies. His behavior has always been sketchy. When I would query him about these questionable behaviors, instead of reassuring me, he would tell me that I was crazy. Prior to my diagnosis, he would say shitty things like, "I'm not your ex" - blaming my past relationships. Of course, after my diagnosis, it was SOOOOO easy to blame my illness - so the past didn't matter anymore, it was all "symptoms" I was experiencing. Well, as it turns out - it was neither - I was completely justified in my feelings - his patterns of behavior were indicative of someone being dishonest and he was. Oh the evidence I found...and I can go on about how compartmentalized his life is and how dissociative he is (not in the sense of the disorder, but in the sense that he's not really attached or emotionally involved to anything he says or does). So basically, I'm now left with a total mindfuck. All the things that I said to him were true, yet he intentionally led me to believe I was crazy. I have had a monumentally hard time accepting my diagnosis and dealing with my disorder. It has caused me an incredible identity crisis and has been paralyzing. I would just like someone to please, if they can, explain how someone could be so incredibly cruel. He has, quite literally, emotionally destroyed me - over, and over, and over again. There is absolutely no consolation in knowing that I was right all along.
  8. Thanks konings - my pdoc and I have ruled out risperidone as I'm super sensitive to meds and we both think that would be overkill for me. I've never heard of asenapine - do you have any experience with it?
  9. Thanks for both of your responses - I was really excited to try it, but Latuda did nada for me. I have an appointment with pdoc today and will get the list of all that we've tried (can't remember them all). I absolutely cannot take Depakote - made me both suicidal and homicidal (because I was so suicidal). Seroquel turned me into a dribbling idiot and Topomax didn't really seem to be all that effective at controlling the moods (and I didn't lose any weight either). I know that I'm forgetting one or two in there (at least). I will say that I had tried Wellbutrin years ago and it was too activating, so I stopped it, but this time around it's working really well. I'm not sure if I just didn't give it enough time to settle down last time or if the rest of my cocktail is different enough that it's just working better. My gp offered up tegretol, but I was really annoyed that he was giving me psychiatric advice as I told him that I had someone that I've been working with on this issue - that and it was a gp that originally diagnosed me, put me on meds without explaining how they'd make me feel and then refused to return my calls about losing my shit because he was on vacation and then charged me for a consult with an answer of "go to the emergency room". So I don't trust gp's psychiatric advice, to say the least. I've been avoiding anything that requires regular blood tests - too scary for me.
  10. Hi there, Some of you may remember me from way back - I mean like years ago. I have no idea what my sig says - but BP2, ADHD, OCD - currently on 150 mg Wellbutrin and 100 Lamictal. Lexapro finally pooped out on me, so we switched to Wellbutrin, which is working pretty well for me. Played with the dosage on the Lamictal - as much as 250mg - and this definitely seems to be the sweet spot for me. The problem is that I need a little extra help in the stabilizing department and I tried Zyprexa and it was AWESOME! However, I gained 5 lbs in 2 weeks and that is absolutely unacceptable. I'm already about 40 lbs overweight and I told my pdoc that, what's the good in feeling chemically better when I feel emotionally distraught (differentiating here between bipolar and situational depression). I don't care how good it made me feel, I will not take something that makes me fat (yes, I'm friggin vain and I don't give a shit). I've tried a slew of stuff and nothing seems to work very well - I cannot take anything that might make me sleepy - abilify had me sleeping upwards of 16 hours a day and I certainly can't take a case of the stupids either. Yes, I do realize that this is absolutely making my options null but I thought the smart and helpful people here might have some suggestions. Anything that works like Zyprexa without a case of the monstrous weight gain? Thanks!
  11. Thanks for your help on the boards :) I grew up in NJ...and love your interest in shiny object...hehe.

  12. Thanks Lys and CS - yeah, the Benadryl is what I found out too...haven't tried it yet - the dizziness is slowly abating - muscle twitching and nausea are in full effect now...woot...lol. This too will pass
  13. Thank you everyone for your replies - I really appreciate it!! VE: Is it tapering off instead of titrating down? (so I know for future reference - I didn't know that you couldn't titrate down). AM: I'll talk to my doc about a bridge med - sounds like it might help bc it's starting to get worse, not better. Corvid: you hit the nail on the head - literally - ha! Turning my head, getting heart rate up, standing up too quickly. CrazySoprano: yeah - brain zaps is what I was experiencing at first...I appreciate the offer for a pcp, but alas, I'm in NYC...and that would be a helluva commute...lol. Artemis: I'm following the advice given me by two different doctors regarding the every other day decrease - it is too dangerous to just quit an SSRI and since I'm at the lowest dose available, there's no where else to go...(my insurance company was only paying for 20 mg tabs cut in half, so I would've had to quarter the med...). Ok, thanks again all...I'm off to do some more research about SSRI withdrawal syndrome and see if there's anything I can do in the meantime (next however many days before I can get in to see the doc) to allay these symptoms.
  14. SON OF A BITCH!! I just typed an entire post and lost it. Ok, here goes again..... I stopped taking lexapro about a week ago - tritrated down by taking normal dose, every other day (I was only on 10mg). I'd only ever been on 10mg since March '07 and have never changed the dose before. Including the titrating down, I'd say it's been about 2.5 weeks of feeling horribly dizzy. I can't even say that it's pure dizziness - it sorta feels like vertigo or a whooshing feeling followed by an intense feeling that I might pass out. It's a lot worse when I'm working out (walking/jogging the dog). Is this normal? I thought it would go away after a few days, but it actually seems to be getting worse. Yes, of course I'll go to my doctor, but I always like to check in here first bc my doctor always looks at me like I'm crazy and unfortunately, my insurance has changed and I need to find a new pdoc and my pcp is clueless about this stuff. Thanks as usual for your responses Let me clarify - it's late and I'm loopy: I started titrating down about two weeks ago and have been lexi free for about a week now. The dizziness started, pretty much immediately...and, I'm not sure that this makes any difference, but I've had horrible bronchitis for a month. Ok, that's it...really...lol.
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