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Everything posted by sugarsugar

  1. I’m thinking I’ll wear a mask when I go out. It’s required still at my job, but that’s still mostly remote for now. I don’t trust people to be honest about being vaccinated. It could get awkward.
  2. For me, amitriptyline made me so dry—I could barely speak. It wasn’t a good drug for my system but I won’t catalog all my issues in case it’s different for you. It was on the sedating side but other TCAs were better for me—not good enough but better. So maybe one will be better for you. If you tend to dryness, maybe not the best, if that’s an issue for anyone but me.
  3. Glad the experience was ok. I prefer wearing a mask so idiots don’t tell me to smile. For all they know, I might be—but I’m not. Masks give me freedom.
  4. At one time I switched Drs because of this. She kept telling me I was depressed and overweight and exercise would fix both. I switched to someone who took me seriously, always, and checked things out. Unfortunately, she just recently retired. I’m hoping my new Dr listens because I do get legitimately sick at times. The worst was a neurologist I had to see once who absolutely dripped contempt over my bipolar diagnosis. For all he knew I could have had a tumor or aneurysm, but why bother to check. So wrong, and getting in to be a new patient with someone you get a good recommendation on isn’t easy, I’ve found.
  5. At one time I was married. But he decided I was crazy, among other issues. For many years after that, I dated no one. Eventually I had some dating experience triggered by manic episodes so not exactly based on solid ground. Now I’m in a sort of situation vs relationship, that sounds better than it is. I tell no one of my MI and if I went back on a dating site I plan on not mentioning it. On one hand I’d love to remarry to have someone to count on. But I don’t want to have to give up my privacy or have to be that vulnerable. So there you go. I can work ok, but romance isn’t something I understand much. Sex, yes, romance, not so much. Is that normal, good, or any other label, I couldn’t say, it’s just what I’m dealing with. I don’t trust many people so that’s a factor. I do envy people who have been married forever and seem happy together but it’s just not my life. And everyone is different so if someone doesn’t want that, it’s not my business and I respect it. I can only speak for myself here.
  6. I am sorry for your having to go through this. One plant suggestion is something shallow like creeping thyme. It would cover over and provide a nice environment to my thinking, just a thought after looking at mine. I’m still dealing with my dog’s death so I totally relate to the grief aspect. I find it harder to get over pets death than humans. It’s good your therapist seems to understand.
  7. I used to do this at great lengths. After years of it, I progressed to actually buying things. I think when I was able to shop online it got easier to actually buy things, and since then I’ve really struggled to control this. I do sometimes still just put things in the cart and leave them but often the sites send me reminder emails to buy. I do find if I can walk away I may not end up buying later. I guess I have more credit than income so I’ve been able to rack up huge debt at times, and I would think switching to buying would be the big risk. I have never felt all the shopping and choosing was a problem, just the purchasing that came later. For me, it has seemed a bipolar thing to buy but can’t really say the shopping is, at least in my mind. I’m not sure if it’s something to try to stop although I did spend a lot of time on it, still do, I guess. Is it some sort of MI if you don’t actually buy? I don’t know. I’m probably the last to say. But I share the habit, that I can say.
  8. So far I have had 5 job interviews for 3 jobs and am waiting to hear back, so no idea what’s next. Two more people are leaving the job I left, also due to toxicity and bullying. That makes me feel like it wasn’t just me, and I was asked to talk to HR and tell my story so they could investigate. I didn’t, I don’t trust it not to backfire on me. I feel less stress in one way, but more financial stress especially since this triggered another spending episode. I could put up with some crap but not being written up and all that. I looked online and apparently quitting disqualified me for unemployment too. And when you apply for jobs you can’t trash talk the previous boss, no matter what. I hate that but I follow the rule. Maybe someone else could have kept the job, just don’t see how I could have.
  9. Oh if only. I can tell you I used to do positive affirmations and visualization. I totally avoided any negative language and made gratitude lists. This was before I tried any meds at all. I did do some self help CBT like reframing and that had some helpful aspects but all my gratitude and positive thinking and substituting a positive thought for every negative one, well, that didn’t fix my depression no matter how diligent I was. Nowadays I am not depressed but have a few more down moments and yes some positive thinking helps slightly elevate my already decent mood. That’s not at all the same thing but I think that’s the experience of those who swear by positive thinking. If only I could have gotten it to fix my severe depression I would not have wasted years of my life. I can only assume those people mean well and are speaking from their own possibly slightly depressed experiences. Or maybe it works better for some, who am I to say. Bottom line, it didn’t work for me and I definitely gave it my all.
  10. I have never found one useful for me because I can’t seem to figure out how to make it work for what I’m experiencing. But I know they have been suggested to me and my pdoc requested it but finally gave up on that plan. Does tracking help you? Can you recognize trends or warning signs? Maybe I’m not self aware as much as some but they don’t seem to accurately describe what I’m feeling. The idea was that I would see a manic trend but no. Maybe a trial week without would give you an idea, unless you see it’s too helpful to risk that?
  11. I have been collecting seemingly important things for a year now. Oh sure, food, and still have lots of toilet paper from stocking up last year. But some stuff I bought and never opened, for whatever reasons. Now I’m unemployed and have time to go through things. Seems I was expecting a bad winter because I am opening snow removal stuff, too bad it’s spring now. Found some cleaning gadgets I don’t know how to use. But I opened some accordion folding thing I can’t figure out. That will take further investigation. Why do I get these things and let them sit? Anyone else end up with mystery items, or still have stacks of stuff that were in short supply a year ago?
  12. That’s a good question. How important is it that someone be vaccinated, is it an absolute? Or is no intention of ever getting vaccinated a dealbreaker? I have wondered the same but I’m not in a position to actually pursue online dating yet; I would probably bring it up early on but maybe not in a profile, because someone might be actively trying to schedule a vaccine but not successful yet. Is it bad to want proof or is that going too far? So many things are already awkward, this doesn’t help the whole meeting new people situation. But I do hope you find someone compatible.
  13. I wonder if some people just aren’t as inclined to reactions. My mom finished both doses without reaction to either dose, which was my experience, but my sister-in-law had a fatigue reaction to dose 2, niece had no reaction. Go figure. I’d still have rather had a reaction than Covid, I’m very afraid of covid.
  14. I guess when I have the feeling that I need to buy something immediately because it could become unavailable, or because I just need to do this right away, or suddenly I am thinking of all the uses I would have for this thing, those are warning signs to back away and come back later. Any sense of urgency around buying something is a warning but I usually ignore it and proceed, which is what got me here. I am no longer employed so hope I can get this under control.
  15. I am now unemployed, which I think was necessary. I think? Or was it a hasty hypomanic decision? I think they were building up to be able to fire me. I’ve since learned that someone, not me, filed an anonymous bullying complaint and I believe they thought it was me and wanted me out. But I suppose I could have stayed and just kept my mouth totally shut while I looked for another job. I decided to quit and gave notice the very next day. Refused, politely, to discuss reasons in a private meeting with the same two who wrote me up. So hard to know if I made a wise move but don’t think I can get unemployment. I applied for another job, skipped the disability disclosure part like I always do. No idea if I will get a call. But I can sleep and eat again, which was an issue right before I quit the job. Guess my brain is just spinning and now I have to stay together through this next part, and try to stay in some balance.
  16. Deja vu here. In August I got angy at a manager type after some near bullying, and got written up a day later, a day after over 2 hours of being “spoken to” until I called out bullying. Supposedly people had complained about me, but I was pretty sure it was in retaliation over the bullying accusation. That blew over, I thought. But then last week I asked a question in a meeting—required now, no one is allowed to be silent. And again, called in by the same 2 managers as one said she was sensitive, and took the question as an attack. WTF? It was a question about how she wanted something done, not any kind of challenge. I spent 30 minutes listening to her saying how sensitive she is. Then next day, another meeting to say, again, that unnamed people had complained about me having a communication problem. Of course she won’t say who or what. So I have a formal HR writeup and corrective action, and need to take some sort of class or something HR chooses. I’m not stupid, obviously the higher manager feeling somehow attacked leads to these supposedly unrelated writeups. I can’t trust them to not make further accusations so I’m really worried and pretty sure they’d like to fire me. so, I am going to look for another job. I’m going to redo my resume and apply for a listing I see that could work. I’m very qualified but definitely older so who knows. But I am so stressed and anxious now over what else they may decide to fabricate. I was angry the first time they dinged me but totally calm and unsuspecting this last time. I’m having trouble sleeping over this crap. This pair of managers feed off each other and are bullies, and currently are picking at two of us. I don’t know how fast I can get a new job. I actually could quit, with notice, now and live for a while on a pension from my last job, and if things drag on and get worse I will seriously consider that. My work friend is also looking actively and the other one being bullied is having panic attacks related to the job, so it’s a generally toxic place, not just my imagination. Is it worth it to stay longer, and how long, that’s my question. No one can answer, I know, but how do you all know when it’s time to give up and leave without a new job in sight? I hate this kind of stuff.
  17. Since she can’t see us, my manager doesn’t seem to think we look busy enough so keeps adding tasks and we are on deadlines for some things plus must attend more and more meetings with attendance checked. So I’m sort of forced to do more. Aside from pressure, I tend to get things done because I can be a lot on my own time schedule. And I don’t have coworkers to talk to, although I do text with one work friend. But if I’m caught up I don’t have tons of motivation to do extra.
  18. Don’t I wish that were the case. Wish I could but I’ve proven I can’t. Has it been studied? I don’t know but it’s been observed that mania doesn’t seem helpful in the long run, I think. A lot of us would like to control mania somehow but doesn’t work that way.
  19. Goofball, that is the story of my life and my main regret. I have spent so much, bought so much. It’s way worse when manic or towards manic but finally my pdoc said I need to work with a therapist to learn to recognize triggers or whatever, warnings, and find ways to stop. Plus I’m on lamotrigine and abilify. Is it better? Well, better to some degree but not entirely. I have no one to manage my credit cards and at any rate could still use a debit card and drain my account like I did pre credit. So it’s on me to try to work with this tdoc and learn any skills I can. I have learned to identify that pre-buy feeling and have been able to stop sometimes before I go on but that’s not a sure thing. So that may not be helpful but know I am working on this, too.
  20. I used to enjoy daily showers but now I don’t, not sure why. I do have to go to work briefly some days so for that, I shower. Otherwise, I try to set days, like every 3rd day, and I do it. I do feel better afterwards I admit. I especially hate washing my face and sometimes use wipes now, wonder if using wipes would be easier for you? Seems easier to me than getting wet, and yes that probably makes no sense except to me.
  21. I used to be more light sensitive when I was depressed and yes light therapy helped. At one time I had big lights and sat there 30 minutes or more. Years later I had very small lights and used them way shorter times. I saw a difference but I guess not only is everyone different but type light setup, time of day and duration will factor in. I do think it’s worth a try based on my experience.
  22. I think my reply is too late, but for anyone it might help—for both doses, I had no side effects, not even a sore arm. Usually with vaccines I get a sore arm, but not with these. I have 5 coworkers who also got both doses. One had a headache, two generally felt tired for a day, one felt wiped out and hot and itchy for a day. The other felt like she was coming down with something for a day. They all expected to feel worse. I had Moderna if that matters. I hope your husband did fine after his dose, I know a lot of people are waiting to hear how everyone does.
  23. I’m in an HMO too. Good news is I have good coverage. Bad news is I can rarely get an appointment so there’s not much to cover.
  24. Finally got my mom on a waiting list, which feels like a major score. My other family waited in line for hours and got turned away. I guess that’s just how it is right now.
  25. Now that I’ve had a half dozen video visits, doesn’t seem much different from any other talk therapy. I do talk about what’s going on but can’t say there’s been a huge focus on the “main” issue, although that’s ok since I’ve made a little improvement there anyway. Makes we wonder why I had to read up on it in advance but I did. She may use a certain approach but it all seems like talk to me.
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