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vena_cava

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  1. I don't have anything to say except that I like this story.
  2. I've had similar panic attacks, only with spiders, not mice. It's terrible. I take precautions to keep my environment as spider-free as possible, and the same can be done with mice, such as making the pantry inaccessible for them. Your grandma is not right, it is possible to get rid of mice. It might be a generational thing of her to say this; some people will accept the problem as long as it doesn't take overhand, because it is hard to get rid of them completely as they reproduce in such great number. The process is time consuming and needs a great deal of attention, it is usually not something that can be done in a matter of days (as in your account). In the house I grew up in, we got rid of them completely, though they did recur several times over the years before we got cats. From my experience, it is not necessary to kill them, but I will admit that live traps are a demanding undertaking. I thought it was worth it.
  3. Ugh, I'll probably have to deal with something similar soon, and I dread it. How open are you planning to be about your anxiety? I don't know if you already talked with them about it (maybe in connection with being on disability). It can make you feel like a freak and there's no guarantee that the other person is going to understand you. But I found it helpful to explain myself before I start exhibiting behaviour that will weird them out, so they know not to take it personally or think they did something wrong. Sometimes, giving a heads up will prevent these situations from happening in the first place; so many of my problems arise from (knowingly or unknowingly) presenting myself as more functioning than I actually am. Of course, you will have to strike a balance and there's no need to paint some worst kind scenario or tell them what a huge pain in the ass it is to live with you. (I mean, it's not, right? Don't forget about the upsides of having you as a roommate.) I'm saying all this because you mention how helpful it is putting a mask on vs. feeling exposed, which I agree with, but maybe consider to which extent it will be possible to hold this up in a shared living situation and whether showing vulnerability will be avoidable. Here are the reasons that make me think you should go through with it, all of them listed by yourself: 1. You urgently need to get out of your current house 2. Being on disability and having a dog makes it hard for you to find something suitable (on a side note, having your dog with you will probably be of great help in the long term) 3. The new place is amazing 4. Your new roommate is nice and you have reason to expect you will get along well 5. As Geek importantly noted above, they chose you, you are not imposing on them What I would do in your situation to try calming me down is focussing on how much better everything will be once I made it through the the hard parts. And making myself realize what a great opportunity lies before me, and how rare the chances are I will find something similar again or in time. (Meanwhile avoiding to engage too much in these thoughts and starting to get anxious about fucking up or being stuck forever in my current situation.) Also, remember if your roommate is working or out of the house a lot, you will have plenty of breathing space. And if everything fails, you will not be off worse than before - you have nothing to lose (if you are able to think of bad experiences as something to be learned from). I'm curios how it went so far, did you get to see the place, and did you get the script from your doctor? I hope it will help you with all this until your therapy starts.
  4. Hi Cathryn, hope you're feeling better soon. When you took Lexapro in the past, did you take it by itself or in combination with another med? I hope it will start working once you get to your old dosage. I think it's been a good idea of yours to try getting back on something that has worked for you before. It's funny how different people react to their medication. I found Abilify to be very activating, no way I could take 10mg at night! I second Melissa in regards to tweaking the dosage befor switching; maybe you can talk to your doctor about upping the Abilify to 15mg (if the Lexapro doesn't start to kick in). You say you feel guilty because you feel like you're a bad mom. Now, I can't judge from afar how true that statement is, but chances are you are just putting yourself down. I wish it was as easy as "getting your crap together and snapping out of it", but sadly it isn't. Give yourself credit for already working on how to fix the problem, you clearly are trying to get back on track. If you feel like you are seriously failing to take care of your children, is there anyone you can ask for support?
  5. I think that your level and frequency of anxiety should be taken into consideration. If you say that your last CBT session helped with your anxiety, that's a really good sign and I hope it will help further diminishing it. What were your experiences with the low-dose Ativan you have at home? Benzos are very useful meds for people who are not at high risk of developing dependence/have a history of drug abuse, and if taken in moderation. I see many users here list them in their signatures, and it's great if they are taken responsibly. But I've also seen people slipping into benzo hell more quickly than expected, and honestly, I'd rather see a doctor exercising caution than handing them out too quickly. In my experience, Ativan has a lower "recreational value" than Xanax or Klonopin, though. (Which is not to say that those don't have their place in medical use, too.) I second the recommendations for beta blockers (propanolol) and I have made good experiences with 150mg Lyrica (pregabalin, the successor to gabapentin). It is not sedating, but I would be careful if you're at risk for weight gain, and it can give a slight "high" feeling as well, especially in the beginning. I have not taken Buspar myself, but I've seen it recommended as a "might not help, but can't hurt to try" option. Is there any chance that the Effexor increased your anxiety, or are you tolerating it well?
  6. Second Schizoid PD topic I'm replying to this week... Cuttlefish, I doubt that you will see this - it looks like you haven't been active in years. If you do, I would love to hear about your experiences so far and if anything changed for you. It is of particular interest to me because I feel just what you were describing. There aren't many accounts of long-term SPD progress around. Regarding this - I've had similar experiences under the influence of certain psychotropics (not marijuana - that's a different story). I'm not going to go into detail here, because I don't think that this is the right platform and I don't want to endorse the use of non-prescribed psychoactives to people at risk of developing psychosis (especially not of unregulated "street drugs"). But I can say that in my case, if it wasn't for these experiences I don't know if I would still be around, and I probably would not have taken up treatment again. I guess that on a lower level it is comparable to the effect that mild stimulants such as high doses of caffeine can bring about: the realization of how malleable perception is, and how easy it can be to benefit from a change in brain chemistry. How many times have you lit a cigarette and experienced two minutes of relief from the swamp of steaming shit you found yourself in? I don't know, it's given me hope that maybe I don't have to be this way, that even something as hardwired as a personality disorder can be subject to change. Mim, bpdtransformation - thanks for the texts to look into.
  7. I'm bringing this thread up because I want to thank you for bringing structural dissociation to my attention. That concept is immensely helpful for me in making sense of trauma structure. There should maybe be a pinned post about it so more people can access this valuable information. (It's not really covered in the other pinned topics.) The particular wiki you linked seems to be ...gone? I found this resource which can be confusing at times, but makes up for it with some pretty diagrams: complex-trauma.eu Also this PDF if you are up for scrolling through PowerPoint presentations: Structural Dissociation of the Personality
  8. You are in a tough spot and that are a lot of issues that you have to deal with. I am sorry for what you are going through, I can tell from your text how desperate you are. Please don't feel ashamed for living with your parents, many people do. I think you are right in that it is not a good environment for you, or for anyone else in your family. It sounds like your parents caused you a lot of harm and it is no wonder you are wounded, angry and helpless. Your mother is right that the past is the past and that blaming doesn't make it any better, but she needs to understand what went wrong and how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. It is especially hurtful that your pain is being denied or not acknowledged. Putting your mother and brother aside for a moment, the most important thing right now is getting help for yourself. It sucks that there is no one in your extended family that you can turn to. You can try to get help from the outside. Disclaimer for the following: I'm not from the U.S. (if that's where you live), so I'm not familiar with the system. I hope someone else can provide better information and correct me if I'm wrong! You write that you have no insurance. There must be community health care centers in your area that will offer treatment even if you are uninsured, some of them have mental health facilities. There are also other mental health care providers specially for people who have no access to treatment by ordinary means or are in a crisis. If you don't know about any near you, the best way is calling a service line and asking for help. The staff is specially trained and can assess your situation. They will support you and connect you to appropiate care. It is helpful to make some notes before calling, because you might not know where to start from or in the heat of the moment will forget something important. The number on the bottom of this site seems like a good option: http://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help/ I wish you that things will go up from here soon.
  9. This is a good and interesting question. I agree with you. From what I've read I gathered the impression that there doesn't seem to be a consensus about what exactly constitutes AvPD and what SPD. The definitions seem muddled and contradictory, and are subject to arbitrary changes based on every scholar's personal experience with a limited number of patients (rather than being supported by objective studies). As you mentioned earlier on, people with SPD deny having the need for social interactions. However, it is often impossible to say if that genuine feeling once started out as a coping mechanism, as is the case described in your own account. I picture SPD as an AvPD's carapace that hardened over time. Here's a study that found "schizoid and avoidant personalities (...) display equivalent levels of anxiety, depression, and psychotic tendencies as compared to psychiatric control patients. No meaningful distinctions were found between the avoidant and the schizoid personalities." It is dated from 1980, the year in which the DSM-III came out and introduced the division of former SPD into SPD, AvPD, and STPD. Here is another text that further examines the history of shifting diagnostic criteria. If we were to picture the disorders as a spectrum rather than sharply divided groups, what is here described as "anesthetic schizoid" would be on top of the scale, whereas AvPD would mark the lower end. Note that as an example for an "extreme" or anesthetic schizoid a patient is described "with whom the therapist almost fell asleep during a session". I've read an account of another therapist who said they started to dread appointments with an SPD patient because when the patient entered the room, it felt as if everything froze and anything emotional or human was being sucked from the air. (I'm sorry that I don't have the source at hand right now, I can search for it.) With you it seems that though your inner landscape is markedly schizoid (I agree), you have been able to find a "partner in crime" (he... I like that term, I used it in that context before myself) with whom you were able to develop a meaningful relationship and create a "safe space". For background and why I am interested in all this in the first place... I've been diagnosed with PDNOS, changed to STPD (I don't know if I agree, but I guess it will stay there for some time since current treatment is more symptom-oriented than occupied with which pigeonhole I fit in.) I won't engage in self-diagnosis, but the second text linked above is very interesting for me to read, because I can find myself in it to a degree that is uncanny. I think it will be of interest to other people in this thread as well.
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