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  1. In the New Year, I’m starting with the foundation of DBT—mindfulness. My goal is to practice at least 3 minutes of meditation every day this year, which I think is entirely realistic. Of course, I’d like to do longer, but I’m not going to hold myself to it.
  2. Thanks for all the responses! Just to be clear, I already know that I do not qualify for SSDI. I have a new plan. I’ve decided to try my hand at freelance writing. It’s going to be a long, hard road, but I firmly believe I have the ability to make money from this eventually. I’m going to start by looking at “lower-level” gigs like writing for free for a newsletter so I can build a portfolio. I’ll join a writing group or two so I can network with other writers. And I bought a couple good books to outline the nuts and bolts. I haven’t really found that volunteering leads to job leads or employable skills, but I do think it’s good for someone in my position to occupy time, if nothing else.
  3. So...I don’t qualify for SSI either. What the fuck am I supposed to do if I need help? Oh, right it’s the US, so I’ll just die on the street because no one gives a fuck. I feel really depressed now.
  4. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me, unfortunately. At this point, my resume is basically one giant red flag and I will never get a job. I can’t describe how depressing it is to basically give up on my dreams at 37, and how scary it is to have to bank on staying married to my husband in order to survive (thankfully, he is an engineer and makes an ample income that goes way beyond meeting our basic needs—but you never know what the future holds, right?) Hubby is supportive of me quitting work as long as I stay active and find an alternative way to thrive (I’m thinking lots of volunteering). Has anyone else had to do this? I realize that I’m currently very lucky in that there’s no need for me to try for SSI (I don’t qualify for SSDI). Overall, I just feel like it would be way less painful to let work go, instead of trying for jobs that I will most likely never get and dealing with rejection over and over. Back when I was a vet tech I actually had one interviewer lecture me on my crappy resume. So there’s that possibility, too, if I were to continue looking for a job. I’m just sick of always feeling inferior to “normal” people because I have a mental illness, and I honestly don’t feel like I should put up with the straight world’s bullshit anymore. It may be time to forge a new path that will ulimately be better for me than being a failure in the working world.
  5. Has something like this happened to anyone else? I think it’s platonic and I consider myself straight, but the fact that I’m uncomfortable makes me wonder. She is a gorgeous woman, and the same age as me. I’ve never been so truthful with or felt so close to a therapist. I think the fact that I can text her for DBT coaching anytime is what created the close feeling. I just appreciate her support so much, y’know? I’ve been dreaming about her the past couple nights, too, which is adding to all this.
  6. This week, I am working on: Radical Acceptance—self-acceptance. I am working up to 10 minutes of meditating a day so that I can do the Acceptance pack on my meditation app. Radical openness—through keeping a self-enquiry journal Balancing doing and being mind Self-validation—also tied to my value of self-acceptance. This is tough for me, but I think I finally grasp what it is intellectually, even if validating myself still doesn’t come naturally to me.
  7. Update: called answering service for pdoc and she called me. Said to continue with 20mg because I didn't experience any symptoms at that dose, and to not attempt a 40mg dose. Said we could consider cogentin to counter the akathisia if we really wanted to try upping the dose. I probably won't go that route though. Already about to start a small dose of oxybutynin for excessive sweating--I think that's enough "meds to counteract the side effects of other meds" for my cocktail, imo.
  8. Just bumped up to 40mg from 20mg yesterday and I believe I experienced akathisia for the first time last night. It felt awful and I'm not sure I can do it justice with words, but I'll try. It was like a gnawing, driving compulsion to move, and it hit while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. Should I report this to pdoc? I find it worrying that this side effect is coming on after one dose--I'm concerned that if I try to stay on 40mg the akathisia will intensify and persist. Thoughts?
  9. This week I am focusing on: Walking the Middle Path--Between doing mind and being mind. I have trouble switching between the two and/or acting from wise mind. I am either in doing mode and can't let myself relax, or I'm in being mode and can't get myself to do anything productive. Radical Acceptance--of desire (urges). I have a book by Tara Brach that gives a guided reflection you can do to avoid acting on harmful urges. Radical Acceptance--of myself and my past ineffective decisions.
  10. Quite sad, slightly anxious. Doing the best I can to stay busy and get stuff done.
  11. 300 mg Wellbutrin--depression 90 mg Cymbalta--depression 5 mg Abilify--hypomania Metformin 1000mg--metabolic syndrome, possibly from Abilify Lisinopril 10mg--high BP 4000 IU D3--deficiency 50-100mg trazodone--middle insomnia
  12. Yeah, there are DBT skills that help with addiction. I don't know if you saw this in your materials as I don't think it's included by default, but there's a bunch of modified distress tolerance stuff (since DT is pretty much what resisting cravings/urges is) that can be used. Here's what my binder says are the skills you can use--let me know if you want more details about any of them: 1.Plan for Abstinence 2.Plan for Harm Reduction 3.Clean mind behaviors vs. clear mind behaviors 4.Reinforcing nonaddictive behaviors 5.Burning bridges and building new ones 6.Alternate rebellion/adaptive denial Right now, I am focusing on my sex addiction, which I don't mention in my sig. I am married so being a sex addict is quite problematic, to say the least. I have managed not to engage in any unwanted behavior for a couple of months now. Anger turned inward is tricky to deal with. If you think it's ultimately depression, though, I would use opposite action skills for depression to take mental attention away from the angry ruminations. What do you think about that idea? You could try it a few times and see how it goes. No, I never noticed any decrease in appetites when I started WellB many years ago. In fact, I restarted a cigarette habit while taking it--wtf?! Thankfully, I have since quit the cancer sticks. I'm probably doing enough damage to my lungs with the pot as it is.
  13. Hi Blahblah! Yeah, certain parts of PLEASE are very difficult for me. Avoiding ("A") mind-altering substances altogether is not really possible at this point. I've been working with my therapist for some time on this. I really think rehab is the ideal solution but my husband doesn't think I need it, so that's out of the question for now. Also, sleep ("S") is the other thing I struggle with. I don't sleep a consistent schedule, and often wake up multiple times a night and get out of bed. I've got some ideas on how to correct the issue, I just need to implement them. As far as pleasant activities go, I have a hard time making myself do them due to the inertia of depression, but when I do, I usually get at least a little enjoyment out of them. I do stuff like paint my nails, put on makeup, watch Youtube or TV, go shopping or window shop, and read magazines. I think your self-soothing ideas are great! I might be able to add a few more but I think it's a pretty individual thing in terms of what you are going to find soothing. About anger--there are a few things you can do to act opposite to the emotion. You can try looking at the situation from the other person's point of view, being as charitable as possible (I find this VERY difficult though). You can try progressive muscle relaxation. You can do willing hands and half-smile. You can do paced breathing. You can exercise. I wouldn't recommend screaming into a pillow because it's thought to feed into anger. I think any of the other ideas you listed might work though. Thanks for bringing this up because anger is a big issue for me and it's good to review what to do about it.
  14. Good work! I haven't been feeling too great and have been lazy about practicing skills...therapist wants me to focus on PLEASE and pleasant events for now.
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