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About ElectricFeel

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  1. I don't know why but I don't get notifications from replies now I just wanted to let you know that I passed all my exams I did this and by training the brain to study I could actually study for an entire hour for the last two exams! I didn't think I'd be able to do it again. There were some days on which I couldn't even study at all due to PTSD but I guess that by starting way beforehand I minimized the risks. I'm so proud of myself.
  2. This is gonna be a long post so I apologize in advance. I'm really confused, I don't really know if I'm having psychosis symptoms. I was in an abusive relationship for three years which totally messed me up. The next relationship I had was also abusive, though it was less severe. It ended last year in August, and I was so anxious because all that had happened that one day I went to see my psychiatrist without an appointment and I yelled at him about how I wanted to try Lamitcal again (it had the best results I've had with medication but it gave me rash) and about how I wasn't gonna try tranquilizers ever again. Instead, he gave me Zyprexa, not because of psychotic symptoms but to stabilize my mood. I could sleep through the night again, and after like one week of taking it I realized I had had persecutory delusions for the majority of 2018 because of the abuse. At the time I hadn't even realized that I was thinking all the time that somebody would chase me down the street and was controlling my every move. My ex had done that to me, so I can definetely link it to PTSD. I hadn't had that type of delusion again. I think I actually had it before 2018, but I can't recall it properly since I was dissociating like hell because of the abuse. In 2017 I came in contact with spirituality through astrology. It helped me greatly to get out of the relationship and to recognize the gaslightning, 'cause a big part of spiritual practices are trusting your intuition and yourself. But since last year I've had some odd experiences. I started doing rituals only after my PTSD symptoms improved thanks to Zyprexa. At first I just took it as a complementary approach to my well being, like "I'm gonna give myself a spiritual bath, relax, burn some incense, stretch and meditate". One night this fall I was doing a ritual to have closure with the guy who abused me after my ex and I plead for the universe's help. That night as I was falling asleep I felt a hand scratching the crown of my head and I dreamt that this guy had came to my province with another girl. I was talking on the phone with an acquaintance of mine and when I asked him where the guy was now the voice suddenly changed to a very deep and kind of otherwordly voice and told me "I can't give you any more information". I have no way of checking if he indeed came here, I'll do as soon as I can, but I got the feeling that the hand and the voice were from a spirit. It completely changed how I view those rituals. I've also had some prophetic dreams. I know it sounds weird, but when I had them I didn't wake up and think 'oh, this is gonna happen'. Instead it happened naturally and when it did I felt like I was totally going crazy. I dreamt that this guy told me he was with another girl like a week before it actually happened, I dreamt that he had came back to Twitter and next week I saw someone retweeting them. He put his full name in that account so there's no doubt. The avatar I saw in my dream was practically the same he had in reality. I've also dreamt that a friend of mine gave me palo santo and some days after it he actually did. I don't know what this all is about. I no longer think that dreams are just a regurgitation of our subconscious, I believe they can also show us a reality outside of our own mind which we may not be aware of. I certainly wish I could see in my dreams something more significant like which lottery number is gonna win lol Anyway, with all this I started realizing that feeling the presence of "energies", "spirits", "entities" or whatever you call it was something I had experienced my whole life. Last time I remember it happening it was like 2013, I felt that somebody hugged me in bed. I know about hypnagogic hallucinations, but it doesn't always happen right before I sleep. Most of the time I don't feel somebody touching me, but rather presences, mostly I can feel their moods. I went to the cemetery to visit my grandad three months ago or so and I could feel other spirits murmuring. I didn't hear them, I just felt them. I kind of felt/heard (I don't know how to call it) my grandad feeling/saying he was happy that I came to visit him and left him a cigarette. And two months ago I visited another cemetery and I could, like, talk (I talked in a low voice and he answered me mentally) to a spirit who was there. I don't think it's the first time I ever experience something like this, but it's definetely the first time since I was like 12. I hadn't ever thought that it was weird, I had simply thought that, well, it was a kid's brain doing its thing. And about feeling some sort of entities, well, I hadn't even thought about it. Most of the time I tought it was just me being very sensible and being able to feel the room's and people's energy, maybe even past events, and all that non-verbal information came to me as feelings. Three months ago I did a spell on the guy who abused me. I put the intention of him realizing he had done me wrong and that he would call me. He did call me two days after that, but it was a weird conversation. He was forcing a high pitched voice. "-Hello, are you Jorge Muñoz -No -Well, I call from the bank...so, are you Jorge Muñoz, or am I wrong? -You're wrong. -Ok, bye". I was really confused about it until the next day I realized I had done a spell. I haven't tried again. It could be a confirmation bias. One of the "rules" of magic is that you have to be specific about what you want (eg setting the intention that he would call me to talk about what had happened, instead of just something general) or you could get somewhat wacky results. The rest of the spells I have done have been about healing and protecting myself. I don't know how to get some proof about the protection ones, but the ones for healing and road opening (road openers are for having more opportunities in your life) have gone pretty well. I notice less PTSD and anxiety symptoms after the healing ones, which could be self-induced, and I have more social life since I've done the road openers, but I know correlation doesn't mean causation. I've also prayed to Saint Dymphna, patron of mental illnesses and victims of abuse, to weaken the connection I feel between me and this guy (strong trauma bonding here). It has helped, but, again, could be self-induced. Last week I was talking to a friend about all this and suddenly I had some short shivers and I kind of heard/felt a distinguishable outside thought/words telling me to "not talk so much about this". It was the first time I could hear/feel such a distinguishable thought that didn't seem to come from my own self, but it wasn't like...it wasn't like if there was anybody behind me talking to me. I know it's werid, it's very difficult to explain. I've had times when I had like epiphanies (they're called "information downloads"). It's like...God/the universe sending me information. It doesn't come from my own head, but it's not voices, just information. A thing I "predicted" through this epiphanies has happened (I knew that he was gonna call me in March). There's two other things which hadn't happened yet. I don't know if I want them to happen or not. Most of the people I've contacted, read in forums or watched in videos talking about spells and magic don't seem to show any mental illnesses sypmtoms, apart from believing in the unknown and the occult. They have coherent speech. I don't know why anyone would spend their life researching, studying and spending time and money into magic if they didn't see any results. There's this one woman who does spells for free. She must see results, specially somewhat provable when compelling someone to do something, right? Also, wax from spell candles make really weird shapes which I didn't think were possible and which I hadn't seen ever before with normal candles lol A tarot reader (which only charged me 5€ for the reading and who offered to help me in my spiritual path if I ever needed anything she could do) told me I had mediumship abilities and that I may be a shaman. I talked to her about how I couldn't differentiate between spirituality and anxiety because of PTSD and she told me that traumatic spiritual awakenings are called shamanic awakenings. I hadn't thought about my feelings of spirits as being a medium. And I've been researching a bit about shamans and, hell, the spiritual awakening shamans have has a lot of similarities with which I was experiencing last year because of PTSD. I've always had the feeling that my grandad wasn't fully gone to the other side (spirits of people who commit suicide are known for wandering for years). One of my aunts, who is a tarotist and psychic, told me that she had seen him some years ago. I have also symptoms of what could be delusions of reference. I also had a near death experience when I was like 2 or 3, and some symptoms of that have similarities with "witchy abilities" and spirituality (universal love, interest in spirituality obviously, increased sensibility, different ways of percieving the world). Long story short, I don't know if I have been experiencing psychosis througout my entire year as feeling "spirits". Persecutory delusions have stopped since I'm taking Zyprexa, and my overall mood, anxiety and sleep pattern have improved. It doesn't make sense to me that some kind of psychosis continues when I'm ok and that it doesn't happen continiously. It doesn't even happen when I'm worse, actually the "downloads" and spirit-talking mostly happen when I'm totally relaxed. I'm also kind of reluctant to labeling it as psychosis, 'cause belief in the spirit world has existed in absolutely all cultures since the beginning of civilization. Most of psychic people seem to have a pretty normal life outside of spirituality. Spirituality makes me feel complete, and it has bring a lot of peace into my life. I don't know where's the limit between spirituality, the paranormal and psychosis. I don't know if continuing my spiritual path would be worse for my mental health and view of reality. I want to believe in all this but I don't know if I'm going crazy. At the same time, I also feel bad for doubting the signs and help I've recieved from God, Saint Dymphna, my spirit guides, angels and ancestors. My diagnosis, the last time I checked which was like two years ago, are Mood disorder NOS, Anxiety disorder NOS, Personality disorder NOS, and I don't know if my psychiatrist has diagnosed me with PTSD but most definetely I have it. Three years ago he told me I don't have bipolar, his may have changed, I don't know. I haven't talked with him about all this, I definetely will next time I see him. Maybe I'll give him this text. I don't have an appointment right now 'cause I missed the last one, but the nurses will call me when they have a free spot. Right now I only have a very small dosis of Zyprexa, I take half a pill of 2,5. I think I'll ask him about increasing the dose and I'll relax on my spells and my desire for contacting with spirits and see if I still have these experiences. Has someone ever had these kind of symptoms/experiences? Do you associate it with your mental illness? Do you follow a religion even if you've been diagnosed with psychotic symptoms? If so, can you differentiate between psychosis and feeling/talking to any spirits, deities or saints?
  3. I do practice self-compassion, too, but not as a 'therapy technique'. It's really hard, but it gets easier as you start doing it. I challenge every self-loathing thought that I can. I've been practicing self-compassion for three years but sometimes negative thoughts slip through anyway. Learning about cognitive distortios helped me identifying where I was just being way too hard on myself for no reason. Whenever I think, for example, 'I don't deserve quality relationships 'cause I'm a mess and I don't have anything valuable to offer' or something like that, I just stop and say, 'No, that's just my depression and anxiety tricking me. Maybe I don't see it, but other people can see something valuable, loveable and loving in me, so that means that I'm actually a person worthy of love and lasting relationships'. That's the trick, you might want to try and think of yourself as if you were another person entirely. Or maybe try and think you were two people at the same time - you're you and you're listening to a story the other person, who is you and not you at the same time, is telling you. What would you say to youself if you were two separate people? I hope it made sense.
  4. I was gonna answer like two weeks ago. While I was writing I realized I still feel incredible guilt and shame for everything. I don't expect it to go away completely anytime soon, but guilt, shame and anger are the most difficult emotions to deal with for me. Guilt has been in my life for so long that I don't think it'll ever go away, actually. I'll just have to learn how to live with it and accept is as a companion. Oh well. I do the same. Gaslighting sure is hell. Making a linear story about everything incredibly helped me in the beginning, but now...I don't know. I think it's time I start thinking about not holding on so much. Only when I am capable of it, of course. I'll try to not beat myself up if I find it more difficult other days. I guess I still try to hold onto it 'cause I still haven't integrated *all* of the /lessons/ (I know, horrible term, but it makes me feel at ease if I see it like that for myself) and changes in my personality and worldview this brought me. I have to get used to this new me. I always try to think that this part of my life won't be as big as I see it now in ten years from now. Until I get there, I just wish it was easier. Also, I really miss having a fulfilling social life. I know the people who didn't support me weren't worthy of my love, practically my whole social circle was super unhealthy (lots of drugs), and all of my male friends except one were either rapists, stalkers or abusers (talk about dangerous people), but I just miss being carefree andtalking to anybody. I could always count on somebody to make plans. I still have some friends, but it's far more difficult to hang out 'cause they don't even live in my town.
  5. Unless it's paralyzing, I'm actually prioritizing myself. I've accomplished so much lately, but it's really frustrating when I try to tell myself, as you do, 'I understand these feelings, but I want to do x' and my mind just answers 'you can't do that right now. You can't escape from these thoughts'. That's what's been happening. Luckily I'm better now compared to last month, though. I'm also somehow grateful when regressions happen, 'cause it's an opportunity to acknowledge some wounds which have not been taken proper care of. I've understand that there is a part of me that wants to hold on to those experiences. I don't know why. I guess it comes down to this. I still can't see myself as anything other than a victim-survivor. I'll try working on that. Thank you for bringing it up. I don't want to forgive them for them, if you know what I mean. I want to see them suffer some consequences for what they have done, but at the same time I want to take that burden of caring so much for them off me. That's what forgiveness is to me in these situations. It's hard to come to a conclusion about this.
  6. Hi. I don't really know it this should have Trigger Warning, but anyway: TW: ABUSE I'd been really well from december to february, but since a month ago or so I've been feeling really stuck, especially these last two weeks, I'm recalling all the secondary wounding and how everything that he put me through still has a heavy influence in my mind, my thoughts, and my overall life. I've lost almost all faith in humanity, I've been abused so many times. I try to think that my social life will start improving at one point but I don't really believe some times, and when I do, it's just so unfair that he isn't the one being isolated and with major trust issues, that he caused me so much pain and still got his way, people still are on his side even if they "believe" me and what I told them he had done. There's nothing in my life right now that has a link to the 3 years that I was in that abusive relationship. But the injustice is just unbearable. I don't think the men who have abused me will pay for what they have done, not in this lifetime, and I don't believe in the afterlife, reincarnation nor karma, as much as I've tried to. I'd like to see them suffer. I had been sexually abused 5 times before my relationship with my ex and I had never been so low as to wish other people ill, but now I'd just like to see everyone of them burn. I'd like revenge. But at the same time I don't. At the same time I'd like to forgive, not as in "it's ok", but as in "I don't really care that much about you and what you did". I needed to get that out. Sorry. So...I know healing isn't linear, but I just want to let go of everything, and I don't know how, this time, in january and february, it seemed like the anger wouldn't come back as strong and as lasting, it really seemed as if I was going to be able to let go almost completely. Meditating helps me a lot, but the last two times I did I just got angrier, and that hadn't happened before. What are some nice, optimistic things that help you get through PTSD and all the nasty feelings and hoplessness it brings? I have to force myself to think that a life of abundance and prosperity, with no malignant narcissists, malignant sociopaths, abusers or manipulative people awaits me at the end of this tunnel. I try to think I'll be able to see people for who they are and to spot the early signs that someone's a villain, and have boundaries with those people if I have to deal with them.
  7. Are you going to therapy at this moment? Yes, finding a good therapist that adapts to your needs can be overwhelming and tiring, but when you find the right one for you the patience pays off. Maybe try going outside for a walk even if you don't feel like it. When we're depressed we have to force ourselves to take small steps for us to not get stuck in bed all day. It takes a lot, but once you start it gets easier. I've also found that meditating helps a freaking lot. You don't even have to get out of bed for this one for the days where it seems impossible (the app says you have to be seating but I've also done it laying down on my bed when I have a looot of anxiety and it still helps so much). I meditate with an app, it's called "One Giant Mind". You have a 12 step course to learn to meditate, and seriously, they make it sooo easy. You don't have to do it everyday, just when you feel like it, I started doing it in august and by the second week I was doing it at least once or twice a week. It helps me rest as much as sleep, and it picks me up from the lowest points of depression. Another thing that's really helpful is stretching. Just 5 minutes and you'll notice the difference. It's really easy, you can do it at your own pace. https://youtu.be/a9WC_eLmP30 I hope this helps and you're able to feel better soon.
  8. Hi, sorry for taking so long in answering. I'm just trying to spend more time than I did before checking my notes and everything. My memory seems to be improving little by little. Thinking of studying with more people or outside my home gives me anxiety lol I'm trying to make the notes more simplified each time, but it's still more difficult than it was before. I hope it's working anyway. I have exams in may. Let's pray I pass!
  9. Hi I was in an abusive relationship for two years and a half, he stalked me for six months after that. The whole thing was horrible from the start, those three years seem like a fuzzy nightmare. I've been recovering since last year, I took a year off. Now I'm retaking the same classes. I remember some subjects, those of before 2016. From others I don't recall a thing, even though when I look through my notes there are things highlighted and everything. And I don't know how to study. Looking through my notes I realize I made driagams and I was able to simplify the texts, but now I can't. I just...copy the whole damn thing, and that's too much. Maybe if I studied something scientific it'd be easier to do it like that, but I can't study literature that way. I can't seem to be able to retain the information like I did before. Does anybody have any tips? Sorry for my English.
  10. Yes. I used to feel that what I saw was the same as a movie. My perception of the depth of the objects was off, as if it was in 2D, but in 3D at the same time. Colours felt like a filter sometimes, too. I haven't felt like that in a long time (like...9 months or so...it's not actually that long). But it was so normal to me for the last few years that I remember it exactly.
  11. So...yeah, when I sign in my internet automatically redirects me to a random topic?? It's been like this for months, like, from february or march. It doesn't happen every time. It's really werid. I've logged in from my desk computer and my phone, and it happens in both devices. I don't have any malicious software in any of them. Any thoughts?
  12. Ashamed. Humiliated. Empty. I can't cry, but I want to. I hope we can all feel better tomorrow. ♥
  13. Girl, you know. Trust your intuition. It's quite hard to do in the middle of all the confusion, but you do know how to tell ìf people are good or bad to you, and why. If you didn't know he is manipulating you, you wouldn't ask us. Trust your intuition, dont' let anybody make you doubt yourself. Try to talk about this with people you trust, people that had been there for you for years, and people you know want the best for you always. I think the most safe think for you to do is to get away from him as fast as you can. You'll figure everything out better if you don't spend so much time with him. Best wishes ♥♥
  14. Yes. I try to get my mind off those thoughts. I don't think it's a healthy mecanism. I don't believe there will be justice served, ever. I tried to believe in God, in karma, or something, but I simply don't. I don't think my abusers will ever get what they deserve. Instead I try to think what I thought before being so traumatized: they already feel so bad about themselves, they already have it hard just being who they are. Their way of being and existing is monstruous, people who did nothing to protect me even though they knew are monstruous too. Each to their own, I try to think. I'm on a path to healthy, honest relationships, they're not, so they won't find true happiness ever in their lives. I just end up resigned. The only way I can deal with these feelings is resigning, I won't act on them, I just acknowledge them and try to let them be withouth feeding them too much, 'cause it doesn't do me any good, even if in the moment it does feel good, in the long run it's not good for me. It's getting better with time, but I guess I'll always live with this, to some extent. I've also worried about being a sociopath 'cause of all this hate and fear they put into me, and all the anger I feel. But after some time away from my last abuser I just know I'm not, I'm actually very emphathetic, I just couldn't deal with what they did to me in any other way apart from being very, very angry. But if you feel you could be one, try to get a diagnosis. Are you going to some kind of therapy, psychologist or pshychiatrist?
  15. You should bring it up next session. Something similar happened on the first session with my current therapist. She asked me why I had told my ex bf where I was last time he followed me, like, you usually tell people where you are if you want to meet them. I told her I didn't know. I didn't bring it up even though it hurt me. After these months and discussing more events she now knows how our personal dynamic worked, what kind of control he had over me and the fact that it had been years since the first time he told me I should tell him everything. I also know why I told him where I was now. Maybe your therapist just wants to know your specifics. If it happens again you should change therapists. Also, I've heard the theory that survivors who think they have part of the blame for what happened are more prone to gain control of their lives first, as opposed to those who think they had absolutely nothing to do with it. It seems cruel, but for me it's kind of logical to think I can control some things that may prevent me from another possible abusive person. I feel like I'm to blame anyway, so I try to make it work on my favour (whenever I can - somedays the guilt and hopelessness are just too much). So...victim blaming can work...somehow???? My therapist is helping me feel like I CAN break the cycle. But if your therapist makes you feel really bad or guilty repeatedly, find another one. That's not an appropiate way to help someone. Sorry for my broken English. Hope this helps.
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