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Poem

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About Poem

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    Howling at the Moon

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  1. @kittyloaf Thank you so much for sharing with me. It really means a lot more than you can imagine. Our diagnoses journey does seem similar (depression --> bipolar --> schizoaffective.) I'm just so tired of this "dx game." I've seen multiple psych people in the past, and recently started seeing a new Pdoc. Maybe they will be open to exploring this with me? *sigh* Everyone else just kind of piggybacked from the previous provider's chart and never questioned the bipolar part. Anyway...I just want to make progress. I've been on meds/therapy combo for 7 years and nothing has changed in my internal landscape. Yes, I've heard of and done an insignificant amount of work with DBT. It was nothing really serious. I was simply introduced to some concepts during an hospitalization and via a few short group therapy sessions. I've been thinking about asking if there is someone qualified to do intensive DBT sessions in my area. Because, besides regular psychotherapy, I've been given nothing of value in the therapy department. Thank you again for reaching out, and best of luck with your own diagnosis battle! Poem
  2. Hello everyone, So it has been a while since I have posted on the forum, but I wanted to hear from others on this topic. What does identity instability look like for people with borderline personality disorder? I want to get feedback from people who actually deal with this problem. The reason is that I believe I deal with this problem (feeling like I don't know who I am, confusion about gender/sexuality, not knowing what I truly believe in, feeling like I lose myself in others, changing goals/career ideas, etc.) This is a longstanding issue. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder initially, and this was changed to Schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type. My original psychiatrist denied the possibility of BPD, but I feel like that is a more accurate dx than the other two. (In all honesty, I heard from other medical staff later on that this PDoc basically dx'd everyone as bipolar!) Also, I was diagnosed only after a reaction to a medication (which was possible due to the newly published DSM V), and I feel that the majority of "psychotic" symptoms that I experienced (that led to the dx change) were caused by the many other med cocktails I was given over the years. I'm very sensitive to medications, and have tried many to no success. I've read about real life experiences from people with all these disorders, and none of them have spoken so truly to me as borderline has. I started crying the other day because it made so much damn sense. I am not looking for a diagnoses from anyone. I just want to hear from others...I am going through a very bad stretch, and I just want to feel like I am not alone. I want to avoid posts indicating that everyone goes through identity crisis. I know that. But this is something that has been with me for a looong time. So, to anyone who is willing to share a bit of their story with me: Thank you in advance. I really need to know I am not alone in this right now. Poem
  3. I have problems with racing thoughts, and a frequent player in that mix is music. I will bounce through snatches of songs effortlessly without finishing any of them completely. Start a song, go to the next, go to the next, go to the next, repeat to infinity. I have to take an antipsychotic to calm my brain down. Anyway, not saying that that is what is going on with you, but if you feel something isn't right, you might mention it to your provider. Never hurts. However, the phenomenon isn't uncommon (as most poster's here testified) for people to get a song stuck in their head. It can happen to me on normal days too! Good luck, Poem
  4. @coraline It was so nerve wracking! But thank you for being one of the people to push me in the right direction. Knowing that you were able to push beyond your shyness, helped me to solidify my resolve (even if I felt like dying during sharing!) I seriously hope this gets the ball rolling. Poem
  5. @Iceberg Tell me about it! I've seen over five providers already. And there's the constant re-explaining of everything. Ugh. What disturbed me about the anti psychotic thing was that my current provider didn't offer any other options or look for any for me, after I explained that I was allergic to the last one. To clarify, I have had other anti psychotics in the past, but the cons outdid the pros. I've tried Seroquel, Risperdal, Latuda, Zyprexa, Geodon, Haloperidol, Perphenazine, Saphris, Abilify, and God knows what else. Poem
  6. @Iceberg Well, I talked in depth with my therapist today. They are going to get me an appointment with my current provider (even though I want nothing to do with the provider anymore.) But since I don't have any antipsychotic, like I mentioned, we both thought it would be the best option until I get to see my new Pdoc. Anyways, my therapist might end up coming to the appointment with me to help out in getting the facts across/advocacy, so I'm hoping there will be some discussion about moving forward with meds! In any case, all the cards are on the table now, and even though it was very anxiety producing, I feel better now that I told the whole truth rather than continuing to hide it. It is finally out there! Lol. So, now there is no excuse for providers looking the other way when it comes to getting treatment. Thanks for your encouragement, and for checking in on me. Poem
  7. @aura Thanks for your input. I'm glad you are finding some stability! I keep seeing clozapine come up. That is one (in a long list) I haven't tried. I'm hoping talking to someone about all this will make a serious change, too. I am going to pour my heart out today, and hopefully things will move in the right direction. Thanks for your support everyone. I'm still pretty scared about it! Poem
  8. You're right. It is not like I am seeking out meds and who would joke about psychosis! And I should say something to get the best treatment. But I just don't trust the person I'm with and am afraid of opening up. I'm only seeing a nurse practitioner and it is seriously like they won't/can't do anything. They just tell me to see my GP for things that could be side affects of my meds! They even said they can't interpret most of my lab work. But you're right, I can't jump ahead and think about their reactions. I'm just happy to be moving on to someone else. Sorry about the abusive relationship. I hope you have been able to emotionally and mentally move away from that as much as possible. I too, went through several Pdocs before I got my current diagnosis. I totally get what you mean about agreeing with them. I am also struggling with stability at the moment. Thank you for the suggestions. I have recently started writing things down for when I see anyone because I have a bad memory. Your input has made me feel better. It is not something I wish on anybody, but thank you for stepping up and sharing your experience with me. It is good to know someone out there understands. Thank you both so much with your replies. It means the world to me right now. I wish you both the best. Poem
  9. @browri Honestly, things are not going swimmingly. I have been having symptomatic breakthroughs (from disorder - which both lithium + lamictal are supposed to help control) since the end of last year to the present. Something needs to change, but I don't know what. Anxiety is almost always present. My current provider isn't doing anything. The only thing they did do was give me a new AP Rx which caused an allergic reaction! Needless to say, I'm moving on, and hopefully to someone who can fix the mess I'm in. Poem
  10. Feelings of being touched, hit, etc. by a non entity is a form of psychotic symptom. I once felt "someone" pass their arm right through my back and out my stomach. I don't blame you for thinking it's a ghost! I did too at the time. But too be honest, it is a noted symptom, so keep a close eye on things. Best wishes, Poem
  11. Greetings, So, I found out recently that my diagnosis had changed from Bipolar 1 to Schizoaffective Disorder: Bipolar Type. This diagnoses switch was done 2 YEARS ago and nobody told me. Sure, my Pdoc at the time said it might be a possibility, but I was really upset that no one bothered to clue me in. Anyway. The thing is, I've been shuffled around through so many Pdocs and psychiatric nurse practitioners and I have never told them my whole story. My first ever Pdoc asked if I ever had any psychotic symptoms. I said that I would hear my name being called, and before I could say anything else, they laughed me off saying that everyone experiences that. So, being the shy person I am, I thought that I was being silly and never mentioned it again. My last Pdoc, I tried to be more open with and told them about some hallucinations/paranoid thoughts I had...hence change in diagnosis. Now I am with a new provider whom I don't trust at all. They don't seem to know how to manage me at all, and every session seems to be more and more a waste of time. I am currently switching to another provider, but it will take a bit before I can go. I'm a little nervous because I've tried so many anti psychotics, and am currently not taking one. Sorry, the point is I am planning to give my therapist all the details about things that have been going on for years. Stuff I never had the guts to say, because I know they will listen to me. I am just afraid that since I never said anything to my new provider (or even in the past) my future provider might think that I am making it up since I found out about my new diagnosis. Maybe I'm overthinking things. I don't know. But the only people on my support team that I trust are my family and my therapist. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I've been in a bad state the last few days and this has been edited and re-edited for your perusal. If there is anyone out there with the same disorder, or just someone with advice, please help me! There is so little info on Schizoaffective disorder, that I would really like to hear from others, maybe hear some coping skills? Everyone is different, but I am open to anything at this moment. Falling asleep last night was hell. My mind was racing all over the place, with layers of thought over layers of thought. I have to sleep with a light now, because shadows will creep the hell out of me. I have poor memory and forget words/mis-say them. My concentration is shot. I lash out in anger and always have this simmering irritability underneath. I'm starting to get the feeling that something is watching me again. Help! Poem
  12. @browri Sorry I haven't been on the forum for a bit, but I appreciate your response all the same! Very interesting info. Turns out I only took a few doses of Topamax in the end. My sleep was so erratic it was impossible to time it the way the Pdoc wanted. So it is now in my pill graveyard. (With Pdoc's knowledge of course.) Poem
  13. Sad, lonely, isolated. I've been more social lately, but noticed that I get jealous of other people having friends. It is like I want to keep the few people I know all to myself. Stupid, but true. I feel isolation in a way because I feel like no one understands how I feel. I get easily attached to someone if they show me kindness. I'm like a dog who will be faithful to the first person who pets me. Ah, ramble...I'm tired.
  14. Hello, it has been awhile! Well, my old psychiatrist retired and I am now stuck with a new one. A tele-med provider. Without really letting me know if they read my chart (they even made mistakes when asking what meds I was on now) they prescribed me topamax to take alongside my usual anxiety med due to (duh) increase in anxiety. They said the added benefit would be that I would be able to lose weight as well, since my previous meds made me...ahem, chunky. And I told them I have body issues. Here's the thing. I did a little research about the weight loss and all studies said that it was beneficial to those who were bulimic or over eaters. I have history, and deal with restrictive eating. Making my appetite less would be a very stupid move in my opinion. My other concern is that there is a side effect where your eyes can suffer permanent damage. Not likely of course, but it is noted. I have a degenerative eye problem and I feel that it would be risky to take something that could make my eyesight worse. Of course there is the caveat that if I notice anything like that I can stop the med, but would my eyes regain the vision they "lost"? I talked to a pharmacist today and they told me it would be very unlikely that I would have any visions problems other than blurriness and that most symptoms are dizziness, hard time focusing, etc the usual. They kind of glossed over the eating part too, saying to just talk to my provider. I have an appointment in a month, and with the Holidays coming up, I decided not to start taking the topamax so as not to ruin any festivities I hope to have with my family. I guess I just needed to vent a bit because it doesn't seem like my new provider is listening to what I have to tell them...since they keep asking me things that are in my chart already! I miss my old psychiatrist a lot, and don't like this new tele-med set up. In any case, I would love to hear from others who have taken topamax for anxiety and how it worked for them. I know everyone is different, but I'd like to get some feedback nonetheless. Poem
  15. Hi everyone, I had a bout where I drank everyday for a month. Super stupid I know. Now that I have been clean for over a month, I still find that I crave the occasional drink. How long did it take for others to stop craving alcohol? I started drinking last year, so am relatively "new" but can still put away 4 drinks a night without getting drunk. Any anecdotes would be helpful. Thanks, Poem
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