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Everything posted by deckpoop

  1. Have you considered a face to face therapy? Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If you are a doctor yourself I would think you have access to that, but i am not American so I don't know how it works. Best of luck to you too and I hope you get the best care you can for yourself.
  2. Well I tried to discuss my opinions on another forum and got treated with contempt and scorn. It seems like being myself gets me punished to utter psychological destruction by society. It just hurts so unbearably much. * Just to clarify, this post wasnt in reply to the ones above. Completely separate issue. I should have put it in a different thread. What happened above was i deleted the op then reinstated it. Sorry to create confusion. My thinking is quite nonlinear at the moment.
  3. I find it difficult to interact with people. One of the reasons is the villainisation narratives that people casually construct. I tend to automatically identify with the villainised party in any story so this tends to make all interactions feel morally persecutory. This is particularly bad on social media with old aquaintances from my home country. I have not spoken to many of them for many years but i used to see their stuff. Recently i unfollowed a bunch of people. I am once again thinking of shutting my facebook, although i use it for messaging my brother and sister so it is problematic. As to face to face, i have not had friends or romantic partner in many years, other than people i am effectively paying to talk to me i.e. therapist and language teacher. I maybe have a conversation with someone at work once a fortnight or so. I have been to a few work social gatherings but i always feel somewhat out of the conversation and again i feel like i identify more with the outgroup corresponding to whatever is being talked about, rather than the ingroup of the people talking.
  4. I did it. MMpI type thing, rorshash and facial recognition and stuff. Cost me a fortune and they kept promising to send me the written results but never did. The guy told me the results verbally but i was in shock and i dont remember. I would really like to know what they wrote about it but it was 10 years ago and on the other side of the world.
  5. I am doing psychodynamic psychotherapy. I have been doing it for two years now. The emphasis is on understanding ones own past. It is transference-based which means that the therapeutic relationship is central. I came to it by luck. The first therapist I saw was doing some kind of humanist talk therapy, which I found unhelpful for my needs and I felt that the guy didnt really understand me at all. Then I found my current therapist and I think she really is helping me a lot so far. As to not labeling people, I think that it is common amongst therapists in this part of the world. I know many people on this forum are from the USA where diagnosis are important for insurance purposes. But here things are a bit different. I wish you best of luck in finding an approach and a person who is suitable.
  6. Thanks for your reply. No I don´t have bipolar diagnosis. I am not sure what the diagnosis are from people i have seen. I had a possible personality disorder diagnosis from the first psichiatrist i saw but then it seems to have been replaced with depression and anxiety. He sort of backtracked on it without explanation. To be honest at that time of my life i didnt know what was going on and didnt know what any of the labels were or have any trust in mental health people. My current therapist doesnt believe in labeling people. As you say I need to find something else to take my attention away. The best distraction would be something social but for me that is hard. I spend a lot of time online but almost none of it is social. This forum and the old chatroom were about the most social that i got, and even then i didnt use much. Normally i am extremely guarded in what i say. At the moment for some reason i am engaging in what for me is extreme amount of communication, and that is a bit risky to me because i am vulnerable to getting my feelings hurt by people, and then it causes a load of anxiety.
  7. True. Talking of the internet, I am currently in the middle of a debate on another forum (actually a politics forum) about issues related to said seven years of torment. And I said one or two angry things and everybody was attacking me. I am really struggling with having something which caused me incredible suffering raked over by unsympathetic people. On the one hand i could learn something, but it really shatters my peace of mind. My therapist advised me to stop debating on the internet. But i am having so much trouble staying away from that discussion, because if people are writing things about me, then i just have to know what they are saying. I tried to bring the conversation to a close. I hope i can put that behind me.
  8. Hello Mogli. It is a good song isnt it. Funny to see the words written, I had a lot of lyrics wrong in my head.
  9. Hello. I am sorry you are suffering so much. I have also projected hostile intentions onto people when i was having a breakdown, but it was quite a bit different to what you are describing, so i am afraid I cant say much of relevance. Regarding the accusations which have been made, i am not qualified or experienced enough to advise on that, but i hope you can get things resolved soon.
  10. That is nice. My therapist wants me to go out and meet people more. Today i drank a lot. PRobably not the best idea :-/ I have been alternating between feelings of anger and self reproach. Were they to bolame or was I? With me it is allor nothing. It just hurt so much to run up against a wall of people denying my reality. Saying that reminds me of the song "golden void". MAybe i should n0t have come off the meds. I just hate them so much. My career and future is rapidly disppearing. I have no ability to withstand interaction with other people. I feel doomed and cursed.
  11. Thanks amskray. I appreciate it. I could go for a swim later for some excercise. Unfortunately i dont have friends, only a few old friends i never see. But i did manage to talk on the phone with my therapist. I kind of ranted for about five minutes. My therapist is so good like that, she encourages me to be more authentic rather than pretending everything is OK:
  12. I dont see my therapist until Moday. But I was wondring about trying to seak to her today. I dont know if this is acceptable thing or not.
  13. Recently i have been obsessing over news and it has caused quite a bit of strife. There is so much conflict in the world. I dont know what to suggest I wish there was a machine to suck away anxiety. When i was a child i had fantasies about a syringe that would extract negative emotions instead of blood. I wish i had one of those.
  14. I was the victim of cruel treatment by everyone around me for a period of seven years. With nobody to talk to about it. No one on my side. No one who understood. Something happened today which brought back all the toxic horrible feelings. The nightmare ended six years ago but it all just came flooding back. Now it is 3 am and it feels like i will never get to sleep. How am i ever going to make these horrible feelings go away?
  15. I went through a phase of wishing to be invited to things. Then I moved to a different place where people were always inviting me and getting offended if I didn´t. After that I started wishing that people didnt invite me to things.
  16. I guess the key to other peoples reactions is to realise that normal people are not as unconditional as they portray themselves. The social sphere is very transactional, it is just happening at the unconscious or instinctive level. Whilst people may enjoy your one-liners on some cognitive level, it seems that it is not valid currency in the social game. The idea of expecting (I don't see you demanding anything in your post btw.) to be accepted into society simply for being human is something that many people may consciously believe they assent to, but actually it is almost universally rejected- Normally on an unconscious level. The poster above was more honest about it. The only thing I could advise is to seek specific therapeutic help to discuss in a safe environment why you feel the way you do, why you adopt the passive position towards initiating social activities and what are the roots and origins of it etc.
  17. I heard about the book "Humanizing the Narcissistic style" By Steven Johnson a few years ago, and I have finally got around to reading it. It is aimed at therapists, but I am finding it useful for myself. It is actually quite rough going, precisely because it is much more "soft" on narcissists than the pop psychology one usually sees splashed all over the internet. By encouraging the patient to get in touch with the archaic needs of the true self, all kinds of defenses are exposed. In particular, one reads that some of the most energetic defenses are not to protect the grandiose false self from reality, but to protect the neediness of the infant "true self" from being accessed and the disappointment and disillusionment of the original empathic failure both in terms of lack of mirroring and not being a good enough figure for idealising. There is the identification of three types of transference: mirror, twinship and merger transference. The first one is the one most popularly ascribed to narcissism. Following Kohut, Johnson says that the merger idealisation is at the lower end developmentally. This rings true to me, based on my experiences of people who seem very narcissistically diturbed: the "what´s yours is mine" form of thinking is to me the most striking feature of such a person. Johnson describes such individuals as typically more borderline, and notes that in some ways they are more in touch with the true self whose needs keep bursting through, compared to the more defended individual. The latter is what he calls the "narcissistic style". There is hope for everyone in this book. My therapist had not heard of it but i hope there are some out there who have read it. The discussion of the "symptomatic self" was very useful especially the discussion of psychosomatic symptoms and apathy towards work, which in one place was described as an act of spite by the inner child towards the enforced achievement focus of the grandiose false self. When I read that i found myself getting very angry and indeed hateful towards this inner child, which is a reaction which the author also describes. The latter chapters contain various case studies which I have not finished reading yet. The only questionable point seems to be the author´s advocacy of bioenergetics, which seems to involve some quite uncomfortable physical procedures and i am not sure many people would recommend that these days.
  18. Thanks for that mikl_pls. I will see what other options I have, because this stuff is not really working for me.
  19. Sleepy all the *$%#"ing time except for a short window around 2-4 am when i am wide awake.
  20. Well I have been taking it for a week. It is making me sleepy, but so far no other obvious ill effects.
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