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Everything posted by taramisue

  1. I feel good again. Hoping yesterday was a fluke. I had a great evening with my son. I think I am gonna like it being just him and me. <3
  2. http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?/forum/46-dissociative-disorders-now-where-was-i/
  3. I was doing good for a few days. Surprisingly good. Then it all came to a halt last night. I freaked out and couldn't function. I didn't go to work today and my anxiety is through the roof because idk if I will get in trouble or fired. Fuck!
  4. I feel like I will never feel like an adult. I grew up very sheltered so I thought when you became an adult you just had money and everything would be good. Then growing up I thought once you became older that you wouldn't struggle. Like adults had it all figured out. I am 35. I still feel like a kid a lot of the time. I look around at other adults and think I will never have it together like they do. I wonder what people think when they look at me...if they think I have it all together. I've been told by someone close to me that even though they know I am a mess inside on the outside it looks like I have my shit together. I guess because I have a career and my own home with my son.
  5. I'm not sure if this is what you mean...but I have a hard time on my lunch hour at work almost everyday. I leave for lunch and nothing sounds good to eat. (I have a hard time eating when I am depressed.) I don't know where to go. Sometimes I will just park my car in a parking lot and cry or nap. I start questioning what "normal" people do on their lunch and I feel like I don't know how to live properly if that makes sense. Welcome to CB!
  6. Actually feeling pretty good. My mood is going up and I have motivation and some energy. I even caught myself singing. I hope this lasts. A big change from last week when I couldn't stop crying.
  7. I hadn't thought about that either. I wouldn't want my child outside smelling weed.
  8. Thank you, Asho. I am doing this in therapy. I write down 3 mini-goals for the week. The weekends are a lot harder for me, especially the weekends when I don't have my son.
  9. I didn't know this topic existed. I always wondered because I saw the ones for other MI. I'm glad it was brought back to life. I sleep to cope, but it does nothing to help with my depression. I sleep so I don't have to be alive type of thing. I slept until 2 today and then fell back asleep on the couch until 5. Now the day is almost over and I got nothing done. It makes me feel like shit. I think of all the "normal" people that are outside enjoying the day. I beat myself up over it.
  10. Melissa, I want to personally thank you for saying my post was clear and well written. I feel like lately I am having a hard time talking and writing. Even just writing an email at work, I have to re-read it over and over before I send it. Even little things I post on here probably take a half hour. I just re-read and stop and think and delete and repeat. I feel like everyone else on here writes beautifully and I sound like a 2nd grader. I don't understand because I graduated college with honors and loved writing and studying. The last year or so I feel like I am regressing intellectually. I don't know if it's my age (35), or my depression (first episode 1-1/2 years ago), or meds or past drug use. Simple things feel like a struggle now. So reading that just made my day, especially since I didn't ask if it sounded ok. So thank you
  11. Thanks everyone for your replies. You make me feel so damn special knowing you take the time to respond just for me. She did ask me at the first session what I was hoping to get out of therapy. I just feel like we aren't getting to the root of anything. I did tell her at the end of the last session that I thought therapy would be more about getting into my past and trying to figure things out. She said she wanted to give me tools to help cope first, because I am dealing with some big changes in my life at the present moment. She said once things settle down then we can start talking about my past. I still don't feel a connection with her, but I am going to stick it out for a while. If I still feel that way I will look for someone new. I have decided to write down things I would like to talk about or things I want her to know. I feel like I have a hard time explaining how I am feeling and then I leave disappointed because I feel like no progress was made.
  12. How long does it take or how do you know therapy is working? I've been seeing my therapist weekly for probably 2 months. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. Is it too soon? Or do I need to find someone I connect with? I thought she would get to the root of my problems or we would talk about my past. All she does is ask me how my week went and respond with, "Yeah, that must be hard" or "it sounds like you are going through a lot." I feel like she really doesn't know anything about what I am dealing with in my head. She asked me to journal, I have to write weekly goals and today she taught me mindfulness mediation. She gives me photocopied sheets about feelings or ways to take care of myself. It doesn't feel personal at all. It feels generic. Sometimes I feel like I am doing it wrong or not saying the right things. I don't know...maybe I am just expecting to walk out with answers. I've never done therapy before so I don't know what to base it on. How do you know it's working? Do you need to feel a bond with them? Is it normal that she isn't trying to get to know me?
  13. I always had mild depression, but I didn't have my first true episode until after my divorce. I was diagnosed with major depression while in IP the winter after my divorce. I know a lot of mine is situational, but if I didn't have depression I think I would have been able to move on.
  14. I just started seeing a therapist recently. I go weekly and she has me write down three goals to do for the week. That has actually helped, because I don't want to go back and tell her I didn't do any of my goals.
  15. Thanks to all of you for replying. It really means a lot! I'm really frustrated because this is my first real pdoc other than while IP. I took the initiative to find a pdoc and to start therapy because my depression is getting bad again. I thought by seeing a pdoc he would be more aggressive in helping me find the right medication over my GP. I guess I need to look for a new one. It's hard when I work full time, and he has Saturday appointments, but I will see what I can do. Thanks again! I don't post a lot on here, but I read and follow you guys everyday. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
  16. I had my pdoc appointment on Saturday. He told me all antidepressants that affect the same transmitter are pretty much the same other than side effects. He then showed me the list of symptoms for major depression and explained how some can be helped by medication, but others are because of the way we think or react to situations. He told me he didn't want to give me any more medication to try and that I need to stick with therapy. The only antidepressants we tried was Pristiq and Viibryd. I see a tdoc at the same place. I go weekly, but she is on vacation this week. I broke down balling to him (and am now writing this). He asked what he triggered and I said I didn't know. I don't really know. I guess I kind of felt like he was telling me I really don't have depression or it's my fault that I do. Or I felt like I will never get better or just mad that I have depression at all. I know antidepressants aren't a magic cure, but my depression is getting bad again and I was hoping for something that would help. I have been crying daily again and feel so hopeless. Is it true that if you try one antidepressant that's for, say serotonin, and it doesn't help then no other meds for serotonin will? I know there are so many kinds of antidepressants so I don't know why he is giving up on me.
  17. I left my husband nearly three years ago and it is the biggest regret of my life. I have never felt the same. I wake up every day like this isn't my life. It doesn't even feel real. I wish someone would of told me how hard it would be. I have so much regret for breaking up our family. Imagine waking up Christmas morning all alone because your kids are with their dad that year. I know lots of people get divorced and move on and get remarried, but I can't move on with my life. I would do anything to take it back. Of course I can't tell you what would be best in your situation, but try to think real hard about how different your and your kids' lives would be.
  18. Maybe since you know that these holidays can be a trigger for your PTSD, next year you can take a break from social media around these times. I know holidays are a huge trigger for my major depression. And you could be right, instead of repressing your feelings you are dealing with them. You might feel like crap now, but you are dealing with the emotions and letting out your tears. I hope you feel better soon.
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