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About Beemray

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  1. Perhaps a cure for this poor guy, could be an exorsist, that is if he is bessesed by an evil spirit, and if it turns out traditional meds don't cut it. I myself would have no stone unturned, I'd tried Jesus if anything else fails. He is my saviour, he helped me through this, and he is still helping me smiling through tears.
  2. My way to get free from my own random suicidal thoughts was that a lot of people actually tried to kill me for almost no reason at all. A rather harsh cure, but it worked like clockworks. Probably cos it was so unfair I just could not believe someone would actually be that insane as to kill others over as good as no reason at all . I did pray to God to help me with these thoughts, but I had no idea what he had in mind for me. Looking back, Im greatful anyway. Hang in there mate, its all in your imagination, and I do absolutely not recommend you trying to do something stupid just to test this horse cure! What Im trying to say is that you really dont know what you have until you might loose it, and thats its really unfair to die and to hurt over nothing at all.Be grateful and try to smile. Perhaps that simple : )!?
  3. My way to get free from my own random suicidal thoughts was that a lot of people actually tried to kill me for almost no reason at all. A rather harsh cure, but it worked like clockworks. Probably cos it was so unfair I just could not believe someone would actually be that insane as to kill others over as good as no reason at all . I did pray to God to help me with these thoughts, but I had no idea what he had in mind for me. Looking back, Im greatful anyway. Hang in there mate, its all in your imagination, and I do absolutely not recommend you trying to do something stupid just to test this horse cure! What Im trying to say is that you really dont know what you have until you might loose it, and thats its really unfair to die and to hurt over nothing at all.Be grateful and try to smile. Perhaps that simple : )!?
  4. I doubt it you are my intelectual superior, since 100% of the advices you get in this thread is supporting my excact point of view. You're now acting like a good racecar with really good tiers, boldness, love, speed, everything is there, but your tiers are too wide, and you keep on driving in the tracks of a worn down road pushing the people you really should keep in your life away, keeping the bad apples, betting it all on a bad card. My educated guess is, you have done that before in many areas of your life, and Im pretty sure you feel inside like its everybody elses fault, while you know its yours, right?. IMO You really need to get grounded and start listening to some of the advices you get here. Ill leave you with those words.
  5. Yes, I do know you love her, and probably so mutch you forget to do the right thing and take care of yourself. IMO she does not deserve you at all. And, your point of view is kind of "off", your aim is a little bit to the left, but almost bullseye. If she really loved you, she would have adjusted her behaviour to make you both happy. And really, IMO, its is almost next to impossible to change grownups, and its not your job to be her babysitter. At your age, she needs to be able to do this herself, and chanches are as she have not changed, she's not gonna. And there you are, sitting on the green branch looking intensly towards the stem not moving, with the fantastic view of nature and life waiting in the other direction. not to scare the daylights out of you, but there is one breed of birds almost instinct in this world, and that is those who cannot fly. To save yourself IMO you need to grow those wings and use them if I were you. Nobody is stopping you but your own thoughts and assumptions. Remember - she is keeping distance. That is not some secret message to you. That is a physical fact that you should not try to interprete as anything but what it is. You're headbanging a wall with all your emotions and interpretions of this situasion and her motives for keeping distance. Right or wrong, she IS keeping a distance for whatever reason, but facts are facts, and that is just the truth.
  6. Ok, I followed this thread for a while, and while beeing a bit rude and immature, you are not IMO a bad person. But you do mix arguments up to fit your desired and neads. Especially when interpreting her, and calling any other interpretion for false. Nmbr one rule of a relationship: Actions speaks volums, not the words people say. You have to look at what they really DO, not just what they say or have said. Thats how it works, really. you really have to learn how to stop making excuses. Your brain is so filled with words, history, feelings and theories right now, you are totally unable to grasp the simple truth: she doesnt want to be anywhere near you, and you shouldnt be anywhere near her. Most likely coz she knows its upsetting for the both of you, and therefore unhealthy for the both of you. Really love should not be upsetting like that at all. Trust me. Move on girl, better and more healthy relationships are wainting for you down the line. I really feel your pain and confusion, but that is why I called you a bit immature, coz really you need to learn to read other peoples actions better. And really, do you want to be in a relationship where someone who loves you, are sending mixed signals all the time and doesnt wanna be around you? Really, I think you deserve better. A journey right now sounds like the right thing, take the first plane to a hot, sunny place w lots of happy carefree people. Get away from this, its clearly overloading your nervous system completly, and unabling you to face the truth, its a common phenomena in a bad break up, and its called the denial phase. move on, you are now just making a trafic jam for yourself. And trust me, Ive been there, done that, and I know a thing or two about abusive and bad relatiionships, and love should never make you live through and endure what you are describing, never, for no reason ever, coz that just ain't the effect love's supposed to have on you. making you feel miserable like a * and beeing treated like garbage. Is that really how love is supposed to treat you? Your love is way more worth than that. I know a lot about love, Im sorry to be the one telling you how it is sometimes in love. Confusing, and not at all easy to sort out sometimes. Let us help you, advices all over this goup to let go is preatty convincing to me Im on the right track when you say you dont wanna be stalking her, nows the final step left, and you really should follow this advice, and even you dont seem to like the truth, you need to let go. IMO: Let go, move on, stop torturing yourself!
  7. You have to take her CURRENT feelings into concideration, not the past feelings. Please move on, to me, Im thinking you are just about on the brink of beeing really immature and chanches are really, you are probably making a mess of yourself right now, thats just plain the truth of it IMO. You need to nuckle up and be a man about it, just let it go, man.
  8. Okay, I think what you are going through is quite typical in abusive relationships. Love does not always last but it should be at least a good time spent together. Looking back, in gratitude for the good times, and really try to make as many good moments to remember cos it does sometimes end for many reasons. I think your problem is about boundaries, broken ones, done by both sides, and not beeing able to move on in due time, before it gets ugly, like the feelings are to intense and running to high. As for stalking, you know it is all about you, and your need for love and how good it is to just see this person now. Coz you really love her. Those are the darkest remains of a bad relationship, only one part standing, your needs, and thats the onesided need to see and love this person. It is something that can happen if you dont take the other persons feelings into concideration. As you have expressed you already know Its unhealthy, and quite frankly sickening to the bone. It does not only hurt the other part, it also hurts you, cos you know its wrong. And you have known love at times when its better, and so you know this is wrong. My advice is learn how to move on with grace, and learn how to dont look back, and dont stop in your tracks. Learn that love is a gift, and make it good while it lasts, and life will give you wonderful memories of the good times to look back at. Then at lest the time spent together was filled with love and care. As for staying and/or making dramatisk and unstable relationships, those kind of relationships are the ones you need to avoid. If you are the one making drama, well, then you need to learn how to step back, be patient, examine whats going on with love and care, and if the love and mutual respect is not there, learn how to let go before it gets ugly. 4 billion girls are waiting, its not at all jusy about finding the right match, it is also about beeing the right one. Move on, stop looking back, find a new and better self, and find a new love. Its all still there, just waiting for you to find it. The wonder of life : )
  9. If a girl says she dont like you that way anymore, say, you're just a friend, in my experience: better believe them. I repeat: you better believe them, cos they really mean it. So stalking is not the answear my friend, definately not. And its illigal as well : )) As for you and how you should feel about this is ofcourse it sucks bigtime, but as all great love stories, for me they have all eventually faded and with time everything heals and gets mutch better. No worries youll get there.
  10. I used to have those feelings as well. It is terrible, and I send you a virtual hug, coz you are beautiful, Bixo. I do think it for me was basically linked to my worries for what other people and myself was thinking/feeling about me as a person. I really felt unloved and unwanted, even by myself. I started to get better when I decided to put my mental health first and basically ignore my own and others negative thoughts of me. Any thoughts, real or in my imagination or people that didnt wish me well had to go away or be avoided. My mental health had to be Nmbr 1 pri. As a resultat I eventually started to love myself again, and everything in my life got way better. Just hang in there Bixo.
  11. Ok, so when you are alone and not stressed out by a lot of people you are functioning better, almost as normal. And when working, relating to a lot of people, it freaks you out, and really it make you so ill you not only freak out, you dont get sleep, you eventually get psycotic and seriously ill. Get it. Id say you demonstrate a very clear insigt into both your limitations and what may work for you as regards to work-life. As most work nowadays do include a lot of contact with people, lower functioning regarding contact with people really is a deal breaker for you. I understand where you are coming from and what you say. What is in the past, Im really sorry you had to go through those things, this desease is a real challenge, and Ive seen it happen to the very best of us, you are not alone. Your mother is a typical well mening relative that love you and just want you to be normal, but she does not understand the slow, systematic, careful and intelligent approach one must choose in order to move on to the next level. Moving on to fast will just make you ill. Thats just the truth of it, so jut regard her as a wellmeaning, but not at all an authority regarding how to solve this. She is to uniformed and primitive to realize the full severeness and intricallity of how to deal with this situation. So if she can be ignored without it casing your situation to get worse, like she kicks you out or something, then thats the best, if she cannot be ignored, then perhaps she needs to be informed by a professional on this issue, and that issues at hand has to be sloved in the correct order. In my opinion, work life beeing as it is has lots of interaction with people. You cant do physical work be fore the mental stuff is fixed. Anyway, she is not too important in this in my opinion all that matters is for you to get well, and if getting well is not possible, find a solution that makes your life better when ill. Thats really all that matters now, your well beeing and getting well. Really you might find some work at a distant wildlife forrest station, but I really think you are a wonderful person with a mental issue to solve and you should work on how to cope and deal with your emotional issues towards others first. Interacting with people is so very mutch a part of beeing a human beeing. So before you turn to the working night shift, washing or portier at a hotel or whatever other lonely and isolated life workplaces, work on the mental issues. These jobs will be there anyway, if your mental,issues dont get fixed, right. So no worries, dont stress too mutch, start working on solving this in the logical order. When I was ill, my medical advicers knew little about me, but they do know a lot about stress and psycosis. And their good advice was to move slow. Very slow, in fact we are talking years, not weeks and months. Id say you should attack this problem from the right angle. You have IMO to work on getting better from your social phobia. I thought the people at work was in a secret society, and that they may wanted to kill me. They, and other scared me shitless, to a deegree I couldnt not sleep. Ofcourse it was not they, but my mind and my own paranoia and illness that scared me shitless, iow, it was all me, not them, or their falt. So I had to examine what is it with me that makes me think this way about them? And really it helped me a lot in my work to identify sick / illness related thoughts towards others, and how to stop/deal with these paranoid thoughts even before birth. Today, one year later, Im actually working together with the people that freaked me out bigtime, so it is possible to fix even the worst paranoia and work among those who freaked you out the most. But how to get there is another question. You might never get there. Since work and social interaction wo freaking out is rather basic Id say thats what Id analyse and attack. Its all about emotional really. So if it does not make you ill, Id look into how to identify sick/illness related thought and if at all possible, how to deal with them. For me I labelled these thoughs as illness, and logically eradicated my own feelings and reactions to illness related thoughts and behaviour, simple by telling myself, this is me, it is not real, and ignore this, move on, think on some thing else. And if its not me, well, I have to stay healthy and so if what they thought was a bit evil or malicious, well then that was their problem and not mine really. None of my business, I just had to work on my stuff and my focus. So if after a long time you think your thoughts and yourself can really handle and cope with socializing with others, then, and only then are you ready for making a desicion on if you shold work. And if the answear is yes, then my advice wold be go slow and methodical. Like 10% work for 2-3 months, or 25% etc. Perhaps 100 % work is obtainable but really, as you describe your situation, dealing with the mental problems and the illness is 1 pri, and even thinking about work right now is out of the question right now. This has to be done in the right succession and in logical steps. Carefully and realistic approach. Be victorious in one field of this mental battleground before you move on further to the next hill. Theres always gonna be another mountain, so choose your battles carefully and in the right order and really I think you have a fighting chanche to be Okay. With or no work is not even important right now - first solve the mental stuff at hand thats my clear advice.
  12. Im so sorry your team think breathing will help all that mutch, since the voices continue, and really you are seriously not in labour or anything. Id try some olanzapine or zyprexa. Those are antipsycotica, and if you are hearing voices, Im pretty sure it might help your brain to calm down a bit. If nothing else, get some sleep and rest. As for voices not going away, now thats a tricky one. Perhaps the answear lies inside you? Now, are there many voices, the same ones, or new ones? Shifting every day, or same voice for days? When is it better and when is it worse? If so, can you identify why, and make a strategy for youself that really works? Im thinking in the line of small visible victories, loopholes when the voices isnt there, and slowly increase these loopholes. Perhaps writing stuff down would help as well, really not like in how to fight this with will power and struggle, more like how to meet the voices. What are they saying/telling you? Will answear them help, in for of strategy to make them go a way? Perhaps make a map of them and describe and label them? I made this list for my self, when beeing bothered, for me it gave me 4 hour sleep instead of 2 (yeah): The evil "person" had these attributes among others:An actor,liar,somethings not right,do not really care about me,have bad values,have bad urges,a bully,lazy,not fathful,hillbilly, interrupts me when she talks, ruins my life Plan for me and my life, myself: Getting into shape Soon there will be a lot of people around me She's not my boss - Im gonna just ignore her Her implicit signals and messages Her themes and speech Say little, just do my things, my job Ignore, ignore and ignore Do not threaten back, do not fight back, talk back Start up my rutine, workout They can not make me disapear no matter : ) I'm not a criminal My boss is me : ) Focus on my own plans : strength training conditioning Diet less facebook More technical eg photo -nature -action go pro etc? Diving Big game hunting Buisness, own project web based. This was my list. I Wrote it down and it helped, I slept 4 hours straight. Next day feeling better. The list kind of gave me a plan and a direction. But really I think u need to try some medz, like zyprexa (olanzapine) or just find something in cooperarion with your doc that will be efficient. No easy answears, you just might have to combine help of others w selfhelp strategy. After all you know you best. Search inside, perhaps youll find some answears.
  13. One word of advice as you move in the direction of healing, confronting and fighting these demons will only make you more ill. To explain how this works for me, I resonated some parts in my brain regarding my emotional life was damaged. Those parts related to stress, fight/fight, fantasy, unreal stuff, it was so damaged they lead me into a psycotic state. So I resonated I had to calm those areas down and bypass them. Not activate them at all. As I regard it, for me psycosis is a state due to extream stress and emotional torture, I guess imaginary stress and torture is as bad as real ones, so the effect of da mage is exponential. For me a non fight, nonviolent line was imperativ to calm everything down, get another focus, get healthy sleep and get well. Fight mode = more stress, less sleep = psycotic state. So my Nmbr 1 job and goal was to get well. Anything else was identified, labelled and ignored, as my focus shifted towars logical and technical stuff. I did a lot of study in photo. And programming. And art. Science. Astronomy. Whatever non emotional, but interesting, mathematical, logical and tecnical. I changed every now and then so the focus didnt get obsessive. I got well.
  14. Oh I can relate to this. And its so hard. And difficult. I used to be very emotional and a Christian. My former self was very occupied and curious about spiritual stuff, religion, astrology, taroot, you name it, as you I was open to it and I was kind of surperstitious and a bit anxious. As I got Ill I realized my emotional state was indeed hurting me coz they led to hallucinations and psycosis. I used to see demons and my saviour Jesus made them go away. When I got to the point I could no longer function due to these fantasies, and got psycotic, zyprexa calmed me down but also made me realize something about my emotions, fantasy and relationship with spiritual things was really wrong. Having two brothers Ill from indulging in fantasies and hallucinations really made me realize my logic and rational part of the brain had to be groomed and trained. And all things regarding fantasies and religion had to go. And result was anything unreal, religion related, emotional fantasies, voices disapeared after some time and very hard training compleatly, coz they are ofcourse not real. None of it is. Its all in your head. I had to get medz and a lot of rest to do this. I'd recommend you do what makes you better, ex, do not spend mutch time alone if that makes you feel more afraid. In the beginning I was not able to make them go away, but I confronted them by telling myself, OK, "they" (devils, paranoid fantasies of what others said, inner voices etc) are working on that, thats their focus, but I'm (me) am working on this. That was other stuff, I have to take care of myself, get well etc. Ofcourse not easy to do watertight, I often failed and it leaks in the beginning, but medz, rest, training and docs could help. For me I did it myself with medz, rest, sleep, and diversion knowing it wasn't really real and beeing very rational, logical and concistent in always reject everything unreal. Even those parys real but hurting my progress was rejected. And proof of concept, since it's been gone for a year now, none of it was ofcourse real, not any of it. It was all in my imagination. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself well and put yourself in a position to heal.
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