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ibreatheandcounttoten

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  1. I've been having such a hard time recently and because of my anxiety I cannot talk about it in person but today, a hour ago, I reached a new low. I have starved, purged, screamed into pillows, and ran until I passed out but I just cut. It was on my thighs, three long, semi-deep ones with a piece of broken glass. I liked the feeling, it was weird, it was profound, I hated it but I loved it and I'm terrified that I loved it. Please help me, I've cut on my hips once before (three years ago) and I hated it a lot more. Now I'm so scared of what this will escalate to, help me.
  2. So these past 2.5 days I've had that really panicky feeling where I'm going to cry but then I don't and I can't breath because I'm so scared and then I'm fine and I can't function and suddenly I can. I don't know what's happening, I'm going to be going out with a friend in a few days and I'm out with my granddad tomorrow and I'm terrified I'm going to have a panic or anxiety attack when I am out. I'm so scared, I don't know how to tell my mum about it, and I'm at my grandparents house and they mock me for my anxiety. I've been looking for support on the #AlwaysKeepFighting community but that seems to make me more anxious which is a shame because I love that community so much (check it out, seriously). What's happening? What do I do?
  3. I will keep that in mind. I did have a therapist but I got through each lesson by awkward eye avoiding and whispering half true answers so...yeah. Thank you.
  4. Thank you for your comment. I could tell my teacher but I am so scared she will be disappointed or something. I don't really know what I honestly think the worst that could happen is, my teacher is kind but very stern on what and how she want things. I had a therapist for a while though, after I became to have more severe anxiety but I'm bad at confiding in person to people so it wouldn't end well to try and tell her about this. Thank you once again. My parents won't let me take meds as my anxiety is "not bad enough for medication". I mentioned in another comment that I am bad at confiding or just being open with someone in person (except for my friend who has anxiety as well). Thank you for your comment, it means a lot.
  5. So I play cello, and I have for nearly five years. I have played in two solo concerts and several times with an orchestra. My anxiety has been steadily growing worse and I average about one panic attack per week without any stressors but I have a quartet coming up and these freak me out because if I was solo I wouldn't mess anyone else up if I screwed up timing. In an orchestra of twenty or so people, I could sink out of it if I needed to. In a quartet, however, I would screw up the other three players. Even though I play the easiest part, I can't bring myself to even look at the music or else I panic. My mom said I didn't have to do the concert but I had to tell my teacher face to face why. To me, this is nearly as bad as going up in front of all those people because my teacher is amazing and I love her. After my mom said that, I started to panic again, thinking of all the ways it could go wrong. She might not let me be her student as I miss most of the solo concerts. I really scared and this has caused me a sh*t-load of anxiety and panic attacks. What should I say? What should I do? Please help.
  6. I was too embarrassed to leave cause I'd have to do it later anyways and I didn't want people to talk. I'm so sorry that your friend had to go through that, I mean, I've been there a few times but damn that's horrible. Thank you for your comment. I try not to beat myself down on things like that. At this point I'm kind of shut off to it. Thank you again.
  7. Oh my god! I'm so sorry that happened to you! School is a huge place of anxiety for me too (as you might have been able to tell) but my parents won't invest in any anti anxiety pills and therapists don't really work (lol) so it is quite a struggle. Thank you for this comment. It means a lot.
  8. Haha she is a totally prick. I will definitely be bringing an extra script from now on. Better to learn from my mistakes! Thanks for the comment!
  9. Thank you for your reply. It really means a lot. The anxiety was nearly unbearable but I've lived with it for ages. Thank you again for your reply.
  10. So at school we did a Roman "newscast" where we had to record ourselves talking about Roman clothes or Circus Maximus or something. I had filmed mine a week back and was really nervous to see mine on the screen as I was holding back a panic attack the whole time. I was scared someone would be able to tell that the tone of my voice and my smile were not natural. But then my teacher goes, "yours was never turned in." I knew I had turned mine in. "But I put it into Dropbox." She goes, "well it's not here." The entire class was listening so I was already on the verge of tears and hyperventilating. "Could I...redo it?" "No. Go now. Live." I didn't have my script for it or even a plan. I was shaking so much I almost dropped my iPad. "Could I have til group six is done so I can think of a script?" Her face gets purple then and she half yells, "NO! We need to have this group go around the same time so we can take the quiz!" The class is staring at me and I'm blinking back panic and counting to ten in my head. "O..ok. Should I-?" "GO!" I can't hold my iPad and can barely keep myself on my feet now. "Circus Maximus was first built by the first Roman kings. It b..burned several time and only took its shape after Julius Caesar planned and added to it. Then Emperor Tr..Trajan redid the entire thing.." And I was about to cry so I just looked at my bitch of a teacher and went. "That's all I remember." She just nods and I sink into my seat and spend the rest of class trying to breathe. This is a teacher who knows about my anxiety, whose seen me have attacks before and who still pushes me into situations I'd rather die than be in. Ever happened to you?
  11. For me, I knew before anyone else. I observed others and realized none of them have panic attacks in class and so I googled what it means if you have frequent attacks. At first I was self diagnosed but once I got to a therapist, she diagnosed me. I can't remember a time when I didn't have panic attacks.
  12. I don't remember a time when I didn't hate anxiety attacks at even the thought of public speaking, cello concerts or essays. I only recently diagnosed however. I haven't been put on meds though. Honesty, I don't think I ever really realized it until we had a small speech in school and I was having panic attacks daily the week before and my friends were fine.
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