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anemone

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About anemone

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  1. Thank you for replying, Icberg. I discussed ECT with my pdoc awhile ago, maybe it's time to revisit the idea.
  2. True. I'm repeating myself from a different thread, but this was my first holiday season without my abuser. To keep dances idea going.... The person below me is looking forward to something in 2017.
  3. 1. I got to have my first Thanksgiving without my abuser present. 2. Same goes for Christmas. 3. The lack of this person's lies and presence in my life is not only a relief, but it's brought kind, caring people into my life who I was previously led to believe were neither. Thank you for this thread, I'm really struggling right now and I needed this.
  4. I can really relate to what you said about losing all happiness at the turn of a switch, I am incredibly vulnerable to that right now. I used to deal with severe anger issues as well, but now I'm usually too depressed to get angry. Children can be really difficult to deal with for anyone, so don't be too hard on yourself. Being present in his life and knowing your limitations are both good things. Anyway, welcome, and good luck with the pdoc search!
  5. This is one of the hardest things for me also, and it has been haunting me more than usual lately. Like you, I cannot work or study, and the pain of that failure is immeasurable. Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I do understand how you're feeling. I am sorry you're feeling this way, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. anemone
  6. Frantic, frightened, wishing for somewhere to hide.
  7. At first it was because I love the flower, but then I realized how I hate leaving home, and would love to hide out in a place that stung outsiders.
  8. Thank you for responding, dancesintherain, it means a lot. I was so scared to put anything into words. Thank you for the book recommedation. I just looked it up and that is the right title, I will try to get my hands on a copy. I found a tdoc that I plan to call that seems to have experience in trauma, fingers crossed. anemone
  9. Long story short, I only recently realized what I experienced as a child was abuse. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD but have been told I am suffering from the trauma caused by this abuse. This realization, along with recent actions by this person, have caused me to relive this trauma, and I am broken. I've recently gotten some distance from my abuser, but not much. They happen to be a family member and the rest of my family doesn't want to cut them out. Which is their right, but makes it impossible to get away. Every time I hear this person's name, or any detail that makes me think of them, I get a panic attack and feel sick and I can't stop crying. I can't get this person out of my life. I live at home, have no job, no money, (at least not enough to get me somewhere else) and no options. I am trying to find a new tdoc, which is very difficult, but even if I found the right person tomorrow, there are years of therapy ahead. I don't know how to hold on in the meantime. It is only a matter of time before this person will re-enter my life in a much bigger way, and I have no control over that. I see no light, I am angry with the concept of hope, I just want to run. But I have nowhere to go, no friends either. It's just that this is killing me, I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I will see my pdoc this week, but I'm not optimistic. Thanks for reading. anemone
  10. Awful. I just want to be left alone. No appointments, no one asking me for anything, no meeting the needs of others while my own life means nothing. Just to stay in bed for as long as I want. I can't handle life, I don't want to handle life.
  11. True. Not in a long time, but the mountains are my happy place. The person below me likes s'mores.
  12. True. Although I always have a few going and rarely finish, sigh. The person below me loves watermelon.
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