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Rabidtears

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About Rabidtears

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    Oh for the love of........who goes there?!

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    mgvalleyaly

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    female
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    Arkansas
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    Reading, swimming, fishing, hiking, outdoors, gaming

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  1. Very true. I just sent an email and asked rather than stressing anymore over it. He said I am dx Bipolar II with cyclothymic temperament. Now I have one more thing to research because while I have heard of cyclothymia, I haven't heard of cyclothymic temperament associated with bipolar II. Do yall know what that means?? And thank you for your responses! =)
  2. I started seeing a new pdoc last year as I was unhappy with my previous one. Okay, 2 pdocs ago I had a tentative diagnosis of Cyclothymia. I started having issues and needed help but I wasn't going to be able to get in to see my pdoc at the time again until 6 months later so I switched. The next one had me take an evaluation? The one that is on paper and takes 3 hours or so to complete. She diagnosed me with Bipolar 1. I was really not happy with how she talked to me and was viewing my reactions to different medications so after a year or so, I switched to the doctor I have now. I love him! He's great. What I am confused about, they just started a patient portal and I was just skimming through until I got to the diagnosis section. So am I now diagnosed as bipolar 2 instead of 1? Can you have cyclothymia as well bipolar? Sorry I'm just confused. Problems Bipolar Ii Disorder Active 01/19/2017 Major Depression, Recurrent Active 01/19/2017 Cyclothymic Disorder Active 07/03/2018
  3. *Note* I've also been considering therapy, but I really don't trust therapists anymore. It feels like they get you to talk about everything going on in your life and instead of helping you, use it against you. I don't believe there really is a such thing as confidence in matters like that, yet I can talk to my doctor just fine. I don't like being harrassed to talk on days where I either don't feel like talking or just don't have anything to talk about. Those days it would get to the point that I felt like I needed to conjure a topic just to placate her.
  4. Since starting Wellbutrin last august i have felt fairly stable as far as my depression goes. I have felt normal and sometimes almost upbeat in a way that did not slip into euphoria. I started taking Ritalin last year or this year due to insurance issues with my nuvigil for narcolepsy. I also had a......traumatic?? life experience where I learned that my husband had cheated on me and may have gotten this girl knocked up. We are trying to work things out, and I've been dealing, but it is hard. It constantly plays through my mind. She is always between us. That had a big triggering effect on me. Since then, back in April, I have been utilizing my support group and working on building myself back up and redefining my reality. It is a lot of work, but I have managed and I am learning to deal with it better. Lately though, I have felt my anxiety crawling up. I have also been super emotional. Crying for no obvious reason (in that moment, i will be fine and then something as minor as a sigh can trigger tears). I am aware that wellbutrin can cause issues with anxiety. Mine has always been very high though. Can anxiety cause you to cry like depression does? I'm not saying I'm not depressed right now....Just...I don't even know what I am trying to say or ask. I can't think. My thoughts are so disorganized right now. I did have two cups of coffee this morning.. One day I'll be perfectly fine and stable. The next day I may be overly emotional. The next day I may be good again. The next,awful or bad. I started keeping a mood chart about a month ago and it looks like an active seismograph! From day to day I cannot say how I might feel. To my knowledge I have not been diagnosed with rapid cycling anything, but my pdoc is still getting to know me. I was already medicated when I started seeing him with tweaks here and there. I've also learned I do not deal well with change. My husband started a new job and works as a mechanic during the day and a tow truck driver on nights and weekends so it feels like he is always gone. It going to take a lot of adjustment and I have not been handling it well. I've spent the last year applying for jobs and I cannot get hired anywhere. Part of me is thankful because I"m not sure how I would handle working around people, but a part of me is highly disappointed because I want to work. It feels so controversial. I do not want to just bum around and be completely dependent on anyone, but at the same time I am TERRIFIED of getting into the workforce again. I haven't worked in years because I have been home caring for children. Now, they are all in school and I worry, if I find a job then who will be home with them when they are sick? Who will take them to appointments? Things like that. What if I get a job and I can't control my emotions? I break down or have a very irritable day/s? I stay irritable. I always have. I can fake the happy personality, but I won't excel at my job doing that I don't think. I learn slow. I would once again have to adjust to something new. I avoid watching most tv, and listening to a lot of music as well as being around most people because I'm worried I'll be triggered into one emotion or another and not be able to pull myself out of it. People have asked me more than once why have I not applied for SSI? It seems so final I guess. I guess I'm worried that there will be no turning back if I do that. What else am I going to do though? I'm not doing anything currently except for being a money pit. I need to do something to help our household. I feel...what is the word...inept? useless? I'm not sure. I do not even know if my symptoms are uncontrolled enough to qualify if that is a thing. Do you have to be constantly uncontrolled to qualify? I am sorry the post was so long. I apologize again for being all over the place. I needed to get all of that out, but I had no idea how. I tell everyone that "I am fine." /sigh
  5. I hope this is the right thread for this. Today we took our kids to an Easter Egg drop. There were sooooooo many people there. We had 5 of our 7 kids with us ranging in ages of 4 year old twins, 10 year old, and two 13 year olds. When the "hunt" started, one of my toddlers disappeared into the crowd. We knew a lot of the people at this church so at first I didn't worry because I knew he would reappear as people moved. When he did not, I started to worry. After several minutes I was bawling and trying really hard not to freak out. In one of those moments my perception of everything around me changed. It was....wavy? vagely blurry? It was different. I felt foggy. I don't really know how to better explain it, but nothing felt real (and still does not). We did eventually find him, he had wandered off to another age section of eggs.... <3 I have had this unrealism happen off and on since I was a teenager. It lasted much longer at a time then, but the first time I remember it happening I was around a lot of people then too. I'm categorizing this as a part of my anxiety flaring up. I just feel like I "cracked" if that makes sense. I feel like I am kind of on a precipice of sorts, but I am watching everything that happens from a distance, or through holes in a wall. I am confusing myself trying to explain this lol. How do you cope with this? What does it usually mean for you? What generally causes it for you?
  6. @browri, I am just seeing your response and thank you so much for the explanation!! Deplin is what my pdoc prescribed for me. I have been trying to catch up on my bills so that I can try to stay caught up so I can pay for it monthly instead of occasionally. If it is the buproprion worsening my agitation then I'm kind of at a stale mate I guess because it has worked wonders for my depression since I have started taking it. I started taking Vraylar in January. For the first two months or so I felt great. I was not nearly as agitated. Yet recently, it has begun feeling like it is no longer really working like it was. That has been my problem with most medications I have tried. They will work great for approx. two months or so then it feels like it is no longer working. I asked doc if I could look at the genetic paperwork (because I find that stuff fascinating) but I should have known it would all be over my head lol. I do remember seeing "refractory" on there though. I have a lot of trouble with anxiety. I'm hoping that once I start taking the deplin that maybe my medications will work more like they should and maybe, just maybe that will help with the anxiety. *I apologize if I am rambling, we had a scare at an egg hunt today, big crowd and my toddler disappeared so I'm spazzing without spazzing. derealization going on right now*
  7. Also, that same year I did have a few hallucenations. The smells that weren't there, or that were distorted I think may have been from topamax because that ended when I stopped taking it. I saw a man that I had seen in my dream standing in my doorway staring at me as I was randomly waking up one night. Then I rubbed my eyes and he was gone. Not long before that I was on the couch and everyone was asleep but me. About 4am. I heard a man say really loud "ALYSSA." An even tone, just loud. It started me massively. My husband was asleep and it was not his voice. **I think my docs have attributed the second two to narcolepsy. A few years prior to that I was asleep. It was daytime. I heard a sound that sounded like a jet engine crashing and exploding. It was so loud and so real that I fell out of bed because it startled me. (I didn't see anything outside, I drove around, checked news articles, and the internet to no avail) If I am sleep deprived then I do have visual hallucenations, but I'm assuming most people do? I've had a few of those. I thought it might be helpful to add those tidbits.
  8. It has been a while since I have posted about my dx of bp1. First off, I have not had anymore depression since I was taken off of zoloft 100mg and started on wellbutrin 150mg xl. That was in August last year I believe. I can't remember the last time I have ever gone this long without being depressed. I have also not had any euphoric moments, nor have I had anymore mixed episodes. What I have been having trouble with is agitation and irritation. I can be perfectly fine one moment, but as soon as things are "not right" or "how I think they should be" then I start getting really agitated because that is NOT how it is supposed to be. I know this is more or less irrational. It may just be life stuff as opposed to my disorder. I still have no tolerance for a lot of noise. Most noise. Usually having quiet here at home is impossible unless everyone is at work or school. As soon as it begins I am like a rubber band tightly pulled. Or a time bomb. Someone can say something in just the wrong way and it can set me off. I don't know. Putting it to writing makes it seem insignificant, but there it is. I also have not had ANY interest in visiting family or friends or anyone else. Not really anyone who doesn't already live with me. Not for the last year. I am titrating down from Lamictal 150mg and started Vraylar 3mg to see if it would help with the agitation/irritation and still maintain stability along with my wellbutrin. I am supposed to take Nuvigil 250mg for Narcolepsy, but I have had trouble with getting a letter of medical necessity...or the form actually reaching the clinic from the pharmacy...Anyways, I'm rambling. Again. I have never heard of Vraylar. Does anyone have any experience with it? Lamictal has always caused my skin to burn a lot, and when I first started it I felt like my blood was molten. There was no rash though. While I was with my pdoc she mentioned a genetic test that she said would check my genes for possible interactions with different medications as well as deficiencies. My results came back in about 2-3 days. She said it was good that we were d/c'ing Lamictal because it showed up as either there could be negative interactions or would require a great amount of dosage adjusting or something like that. I think she said there were no interactions with my genes with my previous meds so I was likely experiencing side effects. Also, she said that I had a reduced sensitivity to anti-depressants which probably explains why zoloft never worked like it should have. The last thing about the test that I remember is that I have significant deficiency in folic acid. She said that folic acid helps to break down or process our medications or something???? and that I would have to take a broken down form of that and it should help my meds to work better. I just have to save up money for it each month because insurance does not cover it. Has anyone else had a test like that done? ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` This question is more of wondering. I was reading a pinned post about mania/hypomania/mixed/psychotic episodes. If someone might be able to help me with a bit of clarification? And I'm sorry but I didn't know how to move a quote from one thread to another. I deleted what I did already understand as far as my experiences. " Examples of psychotic features are hallucinations are delusions and hallucinations. Other psychotic symptoms can include disorganized speech and thought. An observer of this will likely not be able to understand or make any connection between one topic and the next. Examples of psychotic features are hallucinations are delusions and hallucinations. A delusion is an untrue thought. Delusions can be either grandiose or persecutory. Someone can think they are capable of fantastic things, or are a fantastic being [a king, a millionare, a healer] or think that they are being followed, something bad might happen, someone might want to hurt them. http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/bipola...a.cfm#Psychotic Other psychotic symptoms can include disorganized speech and thought. An observer of this will likely not be able to understand or make any connection between one topic and the next. " I on occasion do have periods of time where I might feel like I am being watched by some unknown viewer who has ill intent. It only happens rarely, but it is so strong of a feeling that it is impossible to reason my way out of. I hide from anything reflective in those states that might give "the watcher" a way to see me, whether it is sitting in the hallway away from windows and mirrors or a well lit closet or whatever. I had always attributed this to anxiety attack, but is it? "Feeling like something bad might happen" is how I feel in those moments. They can last for hours. One time I was driving with a friend one night. We were going up a hillside and out of the blue a feeling of the most god awful dread washed over me. It was almost paralyzing fear. I went home, ran inside, covered all of my windows and still hid in the hallway. I KNEW that if I had kept going that we would not have seen daylight. Would you consider that anxiety or a form of psychosis? The reason why I ask about psychosis is because of stuff like that, and also because of how I felt back in 2016. I just lost it. I have posted about that episode already here somewhere, but I lost all control, all reason. I could not think straight at all. I couldn't keep my mind still nor my body. That was my first major experience with the "bad" mania or mixed episodes. I snapped and destroyed a room in my house. Over something fairly minor at that. It was like boiling point. That compounded with my inability to mentally function pushed me over the edge. After scaring the kids with that episode I just collapsed and cried. I cried and raged for a long while because I KNEW I was going crazy and there was no saving me. I can't really say much more about it without risking adding false memories but I just wanted to get the gist. I believe that was caused by the medication I was on at the time? Trileptal. I was hospitalized soon after that episode and they took me off of that. My mind began to clear and improve. I had never experienced that feeling of hopelessness, fear, the inability to function (felt different than the same feelings you get with depression if that makes any sense at all). I was terrified. Was that possibly psychosis? or just a bad side effect? Or a medically induced psycosis? I am not looking to "add" to my diagnosis. I am just trying to understand. I apologize for the lengthy post. Thank you to anyone who can help. <3
  9. I started taking lamictal in October. Started out at 25mg and titrated to 100. The first couple of weeks were rough, but those side effects passed. For the last week or so, usually in the evening I felt like I am burning from the inside out. Literally. I feel otherwise fine. A bit of chest congestion and headaches, but that is it. Has anyone else experienced this? It makes anything touching you unbearable. There is no rash.
  10. My pdoc dc'd lithium and rexulti because I was gaining a lot of weight. They decided to try me on Lamictal. I had heard that the side effects were less on Lamictal and there was less trouble with weight gain. This is my 3rd day taking the 25mg. Next week I will take 50 mg, and the week after that I will take 100mg. I feel zoned out. Like a zombie. Brain fog. While my body may feel awake my head and eyes do not. Will this pass over time? I feel like it completely overpowers my Nuvigil even. Will pretty much any mood stabilizer suck in one way or another? lol I do feel calmer for the moment, but I'm wondering if it is even worth feeling like this. It is just blah.
  11. I was curious if many people have trouble with taking on the moods of those around you. I can be in the best of moods, euphoric even, but if I come across so eine who is angry or depressed then I feel like I'm the one in whatever situation. Picking up good moods happens also, but not as often. I don't get out much lol.
  12. I was depressed and anxious for a while, now I guess I am cycling out of that. I have had a med change. I stopped taking zoloft and started well but ring xl 150mg. I haven't heard anyone (not there) speak to me directly in about a year. It also is not common. Last year I was in a light sleep and heard a strange man say my name. It terrified me, but I figured it was just part of a dream. My pcp believed that part to be due to narcolepsy. I hadn't paid enough attention to notice if it was one or both ears. My hearing is slightly damaged in one ear, but Idk. It's just freaky.
  13. Earlier tonight I was on computer and I thought I heard music. Everypne was asleep and all but 2 of our kids were gone. I ignored ot and went back to playing. The music persisted. I could hear the voice but couldnt make our the words. I could almost hear the instrument but I wasnt sure but might have been a guitar. Sounded like 80s rock. I looked all over the house tryong to find something to explain it and came up empty. So I went to bed. I woke up about an hour later and once again I heard a mans voice but couldnt hear the words. His tone was like that of a hellfire and brimstone preacher. Now , as I type this, I am still hearkng music. Now I can just hear a womans voice singing buy I cant understand it! This is freaking me out. What causes this? What are your experiences?
  14. To those of you with experience with narcolepsy, do you have days where you can stay awake most of the day and then some days where you only dream that you have opened your eyes and done something? I have been like that lately. It doesn't really matter what time I go to sleep at night, I sometimes still have trouble waking up the next day. I'll believe that I got up to do something, or said something to my family, only to realize I never left the bed. Then there are days like today when I have no choice but to make sure I'm up due to errands or something but I cannot stay awake! I came close to having a wreck more than once on my way to physical therapy, then again on my way home because I kept dozing off....I was terrified. Well, later on, when I was awake enough to realize what could have happened I was. I fell asleep in therapy even. It's been crazy. My sleep doc prescribed Nuvigil, but for the last 2 months I have been waiting on "prior authorization".. I've called and never got the call back I was promised. Anyways, does extreme EDS fluctuate sometimes to where it may or may not be really really bad? I use to drink a lot of coffee and/or energy drinks but it seems that ever since I started taking Lithium that I have really had trouble with going to the restroom if I have caffeine. I can't stay out of there with it! ********* The first part I now realize I never posted after I typed it......weeks ago**************** The second part is why I came back to post lol I AM still having trouble with waking up the next day regardless of the amount of sleep I get....if I sleep. I dream constantly when I am out. I start dreaming almost immediately, if not before I close my eyes. Now, the freaky part is, it is getting harder to distinguish dreams from reality. I'm getting to where I can't even tell if I am really awake half the time. I will wake up and mention having the oddest dream/nightmare and "go about my day", only to wake up again and again and again and still be dreaming. I will be like that until someone physically wakes me up. The dreams, it's getting to where I can't tell if they WERE dreams, or if they might be memories. I catch myself asking my husband if this or that actually happened or if I merely dreamed it. It's becoming quite the cluster. Does anyone else have experience with things like this?
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