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Lexie

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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. Well. I'm doing it multiple times a day. And getting brave enough to do it even while I know I'm being watched by suspicious employees. And relying on it for food even when I have other viable options, just because it's less effort sometimes. ...And more fun. Still not caught yet.
  2. i have no idea, and i think it's sort of arbitrary? from what i've read there are a number of people who meet schizophrenia criteria based on hallucinations + disorganisation, with no delusions, and they usually are aware they hallucinate as well (while those with delusions often aren't) not a terrible lot of them, but they exist so i'm not sure it's actually a meaningful distinction? i mean, if you can still diagnose from it either way...
  3. mental image: me, carrying dagger, stabbing people in throat when their guard drops

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      oh my god even better

      mental image: she is here and she's doing well and we're on speaking terms again

      oh my god

      i think i just created the perfect world inside my head???

      ...

      haha...

      sigh

    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      "killing yourself is bad"

      "thinking of killing yourself is bad, especially if you say it"

      okay

      i understand

      that's why i'm alive now

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      ...

      you wouldn't like if i lashed out at myself, i think

      so i can't?

      but

      who else am i supposed to blame

      for you not being here

  4. sounds like the meds are more the problem than the illness? if your meds are causing such severe side effects you may not be able to survive on them you may want to look into switching meds but i don't know your exact situation or anything, just my impression
  5. I already read your post. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression your input was not wanted, or that your experience is not relatable to mine. It's true that I don't typically experience consummatory anhedonia to nearly the same degree as I do anticipatory anhedonia, but it's not as if I've never lost interest in things I should or used to enjoy, either.
  6. yeah, it's annoying because i'm usually wrong, and i know i'm usually wrong if i can start doing something a lot of times it'll turn out good and i'll be able to keep going and doing it, and similar things, for a good while but once i stop it's not long before the thoughts of "it probably won't be worth it, just don't bother" come back and weigh me down am i supposed to just force myself to keep doing things anyway? god, it usually takes me at least an hour after waking up just to get out of bed, sometimes two or three... how am i supposed to force myself to do more complex, less necessary things than that?
  7. i have trouble trying new things unless someone i know (and preferably am close to) recommends them even things closely related to stuff i've had positive experiences with in the past i can try imagining trying The Thing and i just end up imagining that it'll be boring, or won't work out, or whatever so i generally end up not even bothering and then in the rare event i do bother and i turn out to be right, i get even more discouraged and it gets even harder the upshot of this is... well, i usually just end up doing nothing. a lot of nothing. repeating some routines and otherwise occupying myself with my thoughts and music, because music doesn't require any attention or focus. and i cannot muster attention or focus if i don't think something is going to be worthwhile. i'm assuming this is probably related to low mood (?) so i'm posting it here. anyone have any tips?
  8. Odd as it may sound, I think it's possible to have both homicidal desires and harm OCD. OCD isn't terribly rational, and if you perceive something as bad or a threat for basically any reason, even just some of the time, it can potentially fuel OCD. I say this because, uh... personal experience. With both. Overlapping. edit: To clarify, this was because the reason behind my harm OCD wasn't "harming people is bad," but more specific to the form of harm and what it implied about me as a person. Basically, there were reasons I should not take certain harmful actions or think certain thoughts about harm. But I still wanted to harm people, I just had to do it in very specific ways or it'd violate the rules laid out for proper behaviour as dictated by my obsession.
  9. my head is just the same words over and over right now

    "i love you"

    and it's making me cry again

  10. Not a doctor and (probably) don't have PTSD, but, from what I've read: Go with someone you trust and have an anxiety PRN, and maybe go to similar buildings when possible in the days leading up to that (preferably with someone you trust, and maybe even taking an anxiety PRN beforehand) as exposure therapy. Trying not to avoid the trigger and keeping yourself feeling as safe as possible while still being actively triggered is the best way to teach your brain the trigger isn't a real danger. But, it's probably going to be difficult on you, and depending on how strong of a trigger it is (and probably lots of other factors) you may or may not be able to unlearn it enough in that time to enjoy the party.
  11. i had a dream and all i remember is  "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      d e a t h is s a l v a t i o n

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      tbh i'm still putting all this stuff out here in hopes it'll make something change

      even after saying i've given up

      lmao i'm so pathetic

    4. Lexie

      Lexie

      someone should kill me just to shut me up

      ahaha

  12. i know i have sadistic tendencies, but that was never formalised/finalised as a distinct psychiatric condition narcissism is a distinct condition, though, and... well, look at my signature i literally view myself that way and i'm pretty sure i'm not manic, i just literally think i'm above 99.999% of humanity and my word should be taken as divine decree i don't know... obviously i'm not going to tell any therapist or psychiatrist anything about this, it's not like i want "help" with it, so idk
  13. I think it depends on your dose and how long you take it, as well as your individual chemistry. I've taken a couple SSRIs for a few months and then quit cold turkey with no problems. On the other hand, when I stopped gabapentin after taking it for just a week, it took almost two months to really become relatively stable again. And most people don't get withdrawals from that.
  14. For the gender field, having "trans male" and "trans female" as separate options from "male" and "female" is transphobic. Adding "cis male" and "cis female" would still be transphobic. Any trans person who is willingly identifying themselves in that field is transphobic (surprise, internalised prejudice exists). Trans is not a gender and does not describe or modify a gender. It is a medical condition. Medical conditions don't belong in the gender field. All these things holding true, those two options should be removed altogether. My $0.02.
  15. Lexie

    I exist.

    i wanted to just kill myself i wanted to just kill myself and get it over with i honestly don't know if it would have stuck i sort of suspect there was some sort of gaming of the system, some bending of the rules of the many worlds interpretation, to ensure my survival after previous attempts if it was willfully done by some conscious intelligence, it was probably my own, sitting back there, refusing to really die that's what people are trying to tell me when they say clearly i don't really want to die my methods were fine, the only thing that kept me alive was some sort of twisted desire to live to live on and i can't think my head is going blank again i'm sorry i'm sorry for embracing the darkness within me just to protect myself ETA: once again...
  16. Lexie

    I exist.

    I don't mean backhanded, I mean double-edged. It's meant as a compliment, but the 'positive' quality it is asserting also has or implies considerable drawbacks.
  17. Lexie

    I exist.

    That's, um... Well. I have been told I'm "interesting" as some sort of double-edged compliment enough times to be used to it, I guess.
  18. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF SAMSARA IS TO KILL EVERYTHING.

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      i know the definition of samsara.

      if you bring down the whole process of life that pretty much shuts it down. i don't see where the misunderstanding is.

      nowhere for souls to be imprisoned anymore. everything can finally melt away into oblivion.

    3. toast

      toast

      okay, i didn't realize when you said everything, you really meant "everything."

    4. Lexie

      Lexie

      yes. i meant everything. down to the last.

      anything that can reproduce, anything that could conceivably prolong the existence of life, anything which contains enough information to synthesize new life from. eliminate it all.

  19. I personally know someone who experienced a great improvement of alexithymia after starting Abilify, without showing any such pronounced improvement in other symptoms. That's about all I can say, honestly. Also, you can stop playing high and mighty. You were in the wrong, and I don't care whether he's okay with it or not, because honestly, he's a he, and even if he'll let your degendering fly, it's extremely offensive to me for you to get defensive about that. You did something wrong. Own up to it or keep your mouth shut.
  20. Oh, thanks. I was sort of surprised when I read that, and it's good to know it may not be totally accurate.
  21. From what I read recently, a study actually found that in the long term, all antipsychotics produce about the same weight gain, but some put on the weight more slowly than others. I don't know how that works, but it's worth looking into/confirming/disconfirming, I think.
  22. I think it works sort of the opposite way as stimulants. So, it both increases your appetite and decreases your metabolism. Even if you ate the same amount you'd probably still gain... I think.
  23. Degender. Using gender neutral pronouns when you know someone's gender can be... um, problematic, since a lot of people will do just that as a way of avoiding properly gendering someone while also not explicitly misgendering them. I know at least some of the treatments relate back to the associated conditions, such as schizophrenics experiencing more alexithymia when they're actively psychotic. However, I'm not an expert on any of that, so. I could look into it, though. Maybe. If my brain stops trying to fry itself.
  24. To start with an aside, I don't know if you just forgot/didn't notice who OP was, but degendering him is sort of bad. Frankly. Even if he finds it acceptable (maybe, maybe not), quite a few trans people really wouldn't, so unless he explicitly told you so, um, yeah. As for the may point, it may. Believe it or not, there are some ways to address/treat alexithymia (though I don't know much about them), so if that's what it is, it's possible that alexithymia treatments could also help with the appetite, satiety, and eating problems. That is why I offered the idea.
  25. I'm challenging that notion and asserting that it most likely is, in fact, relevant to the discussion at hand. If you would stop challenging me on that point, maybe I wouldn't have to keep informing you of exactly how misguided it is to claim otherwise.
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