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Lexie

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Status Replies posted by Lexie

  1. mental image: me, carrying dagger, stabbing people in throat when their guard drops

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      ...

      you wouldn't like if i lashed out at myself, i think

      so i can't?

      but

      who else am i supposed to blame

      for you not being here

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  2. mental image: me, carrying dagger, stabbing people in throat when their guard drops

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      "killing yourself is bad"

      "thinking of killing yourself is bad, especially if you say it"

      okay

      i understand

      that's why i'm alive now

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  3. mental image: me, carrying dagger, stabbing people in throat when their guard drops

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      oh my god even better

      mental image: she is here and she's doing well and we're on speaking terms again

      oh my god

      i think i just created the perfect world inside my head???

      ...

      haha...

      sigh

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  4. i had a dream and all i remember is  "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      someone should kill me just to shut me up

      ahaha

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  5. i had a dream and all i remember is  "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      tbh i'm still putting all this stuff out here in hopes it'll make something change

      even after saying i've given up

      lmao i'm so pathetic

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  6. i had a dream and all i remember is  "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"

  7. i had a dream and all i remember is  "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      and the increasing gradiosity and sadism may have to do with dutasteride as well, tbh

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  8. i had a dream and all i remember is  "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      also my cognition seems to get worse as i further recover/renormalise from the dutasteride. so that's fun.

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  9. I can't take this anymore. It's torture. (derealization/depersonalization 24/7)

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      Sorry to hear that. :(

      I enjoy the derealisation because it's usually triggered by stress, and it pretty much makes it seem like whatever I'm stressed out about doesn't actually... you know, matter? It's not even "real" so why would I care? And that helps me calm down and feel a lot more positive about things.

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  10. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

  11. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF SAMSARA IS TO KILL EVERYTHING.

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      yes. i meant everything. down to the last.

      anything that can reproduce, anything that could conceivably prolong the existence of life, anything which contains enough information to synthesize new life from. eliminate it all.

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  12. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF SAMSARA IS TO KILL EVERYTHING.

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i know the definition of samsara.

      if you bring down the whole process of life that pretty much shuts it down. i don't see where the misunderstanding is.

      nowhere for souls to be imprisoned anymore. everything can finally melt away into oblivion.

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  13. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF SAMSARA IS TO KILL EVERYTHING.

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      can't reincarnate if life is annihilated altogether bro

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  14. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF SAMSARA IS TO KILL EVERYTHING.

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      I could do that.

      But that would imply death isn't something worth getting excited about...

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  15. oh my god

    oh my god

    oh my fucking god

    stop it stop it stop it you are all driving me up the fucking wall

    why can't a single one of you stop being a complete idiot for five seconds

    why am i the one who has to take care of fucking everything around here

    everyone is constantly in crisis and i am the only one who cares enough to reach out and try to help

    and i'm fucking awful at it

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i'm doing all these things...

      i'm doing all these bad things...

      because, deep down, i really want...

      ...to be punished

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  16. I can't take this anymore. It's torture. (derealization/depersonalization 24/7)

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i actually enjoy being derealised, but it sounds awful to be depersonalised all the time

      hope you've gotten better since then...

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  17. oh my god

    oh my god

    oh my fucking god

    stop it stop it stop it you are all driving me up the fucking wall

    why can't a single one of you stop being a complete idiot for five seconds

    why am i the one who has to take care of fucking everything around here

    everyone is constantly in crisis and i am the only one who cares enough to reach out and try to help

    and i'm fucking awful at it

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i  k n o w  i t  i s  m y  f a u l t

      i  k n o w  i t  i s  w h a t  i  h a v e  a s k e d  f o r

      i  k n o w  t h e  o n l y  p e o p l e  i  l e t  c l o s e  a r e  t h e  o n e s  i  c a n ' t  r e l y  o n

      b e c a u s e  t r y i n g  t o  b e l i e v e  i n  s o m e t h i n g  b e t t e r  s c a r e s  m e

      i ' m  s c a r e d

      i ' m  r e a l l y  s c a r e d

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  18. oh my god

    oh my god

    oh my fucking god

    stop it stop it stop it you are all driving me up the fucking wall

    why can't a single one of you stop being a complete idiot for five seconds

    why am i the one who has to take care of fucking everything around here

    everyone is constantly in crisis and i am the only one who cares enough to reach out and try to help

    and i'm fucking awful at it

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i want to die and no one cares

      literally

      none of the people who know me

      can spare a single word of support

      they just push me the fuck away

      until i start to believe that going away is what i'm supposed to do

      until i start to believe that disappearing for good is what i should do

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  19. Snap, it's happening again. I have disintegrated into thousands of Dans.

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      does that mean you can be thousands of times as fun at once now?

  20. why did you leave again...?

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      if i'm not important then

      why am i alive

      if i'm not important to you then

      why do you want me to live

  21. why do i feel like i'm about to freeze to death? it's in the 60s outside and i'm in a heated building... but i'm so cold

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      AND NOW I'M BURNING UP WHAT THE HELL.

  22. i don't know if i actually believe these things or not

    all i know is that i'm not supposed to, because she disapproves of me when i do

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      can you just stop talking to me please.

      i'm really not in the mood for your nonsense right now and i strongly suspect you're more than a little fatigued of mine.

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  23. i don't know if i actually believe these things or not

    all i know is that i'm not supposed to, because she disapproves of me when i do

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      I have no idea what an asymmetric payoff is.

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  24. i don't know if i actually believe these things or not

    all i know is that i'm not supposed to, because she disapproves of me when i do

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i think i care too much to take that rx.

      not about all these details and shit, just about her.

      sigh.

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  25. I don't feel any anger at those people at all.

    But killing those who are destined to meet their end seems only appropriate. A fulfilling of their proper roles.

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      it's... well, to put it in a more direct way, i'm not supposed to have a physical body like you do

      i'm still supposed to have fixed presence and be material and everything but... not on the same level

      a different form of substance which passes through different dimensions, not the ones i'm presently occupying

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

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