Lexie

oh my god even better

mental image: she is here and she's doing well and we're on speaking terms again

oh my god

i think i just created the perfect world inside my head???

...

haha...

sigh

"killing yourself is bad"

"thinking of killing yourself is bad, especially if you say it"

okay

i understand

that's why i'm alive now

...

you wouldn't like if i lashed out at myself, i think

so i can't?

but

who else am i supposed to blame

for you not being here

d e a t h is s a l v a t i o n

tbh i'm still putting all this stuff out here in hopes it'll make something change

even after saying i've given up

lmao i'm so pathetic

someone should kill me just to shut me up

ahaha

i know the definition of samsara.

if you bring down the whole process of life that pretty much shuts it down. i don't see where the misunderstanding is.

nowhere for souls to be imprisoned anymore. everything can finally melt away into oblivion.

okay, i didn't realize when you said everything, you really meant "everything."

yes. i meant everything. down to the last.

anything that can reproduce, anything that could conceivably prolong the existence of life, anything which contains enough information to synthesize new life from. eliminate it all.

i want to die and no one cares

literally

none of the people who know me

can spare a single word of support

they just push me the fuck away

until i start to believe that going away is what i'm supposed to do

until i start to believe that disappearing for good is what i should do

i  k n o w  i t  i s  m y  f a u l t

i  k n o w  i t  i s  w h a t  i  h a v e  a s k e d  f o r

i  k n o w  t h e  o n l y  p e o p l e  i  l e t  c l o s e  a r e  t h e  o n e s  i  c a n ' t  r e l y  o n

b e c a u s e  t r y i n g  t o  b e l i e v e  i n  s o m e t h i n g  b e t t e r  s c a r e s  m e

i ' m  s c a r e d

i ' m  r e a l l y  s c a r e d

i'm doing all these things...

i'm doing all these bad things...

because, deep down, i really want...

...to be punished

if i'm not important then

why am i alive

if i'm not important to you then

why do you want me to live

AND NOW I'M BURNING UP WHAT THE HELL.

I have no idea what an asymmetric payoff is.

It's just a scenario in game theory. I'm too lazy to google right now.

can you just stop talking to me please.

i'm really not in the mood for your nonsense right now and i strongly suspect you're more than a little fatigued of mine.

I thought that your experience would probably be quite different, but it was worth a try. I understand feeling like the world lacks depth, though. maybe we (the rest of us) don't belong here any more than you do, but are not as acutely aware of it? I am aware of something similar-sounding sometimes, but not always. for me it is a very dissonant, out-of-control, non-feeling

does this world always lack depth in your experience; have you ever found anything outside of it that doesn't?

it doesn't always lack depth to the same degree, but it always feels like there's a lot more behind this world than the immediately apparent, and that the things reaching back behind it have more in common with me

like if the world were made of shadow puppets, and i'm an entire being accidentally casting a shadow onto the same wall; i'm supposed to be with the puppeteers, but here i am lost among the puppets

of course, i don't suspect the puppeteers are really in control of anything, either; they just happen to be casting their shadows by accident, but haven't gotten caught up in the play as i have

it's... well, to put it in a more direct way, i'm not supposed to have a physical body like you do

i'm still supposed to have fixed presence and be material and everything but... not on the same level

a different form of substance which passes through different dimensions, not the ones i'm presently occupying

i'm just going to sound annoying if i'm thinking about murdering everyone i met while using that account, right?

and making art from their dismembered corpses?

A B C D there is nothing wrong with me

ichi ni san shi there is nothing wrong with me

you sound in quite some turmoil. I think you're right in that all things must come to an end, particularly things that burn or race or rage. things in extreme conflict tend to meet earlier ends than those at peace. but when I say end, I don't necessarily mean death or destruction. some endings are, ultimately, a relief. they make space for something else. we just have to find a way to stop them from reoccurring again and again and again.

do you feel anger at the people you met?