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Lexie

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Status Updates posted by Lexie

  1. mental image: me, carrying dagger, stabbing people in throat when their guard drops

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      oh my god even better

      mental image: she is here and she's doing well and we're on speaking terms again

      oh my god

      i think i just created the perfect world inside my head???

      ...

      haha...

      sigh

    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      "killing yourself is bad"

      "thinking of killing yourself is bad, especially if you say it"

      okay

      i understand

      that's why i'm alive now

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      ...

      you wouldn't like if i lashed out at myself, i think

      so i can't?

      but

      who else am i supposed to blame

      for you not being here

  2. my head is just the same words over and over right now

    "i love you"

    and it's making me cry again

  3. i had a dream and all i remember is  "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      d e a t h is s a l v a t i o n

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      tbh i'm still putting all this stuff out here in hopes it'll make something change

      even after saying i've given up

      lmao i'm so pathetic

    4. Lexie

      Lexie

      someone should kill me just to shut me up

      ahaha

  4. THE ONLY WAY OUT OF SAMSARA IS TO KILL EVERYTHING.

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      i know the definition of samsara.

      if you bring down the whole process of life that pretty much shuts it down. i don't see where the misunderstanding is.

      nowhere for souls to be imprisoned anymore. everything can finally melt away into oblivion.

    3. toast

      toast

      okay, i didn't realize when you said everything, you really meant "everything."

    4. Lexie

      Lexie

      yes. i meant everything. down to the last.

      anything that can reproduce, anything that could conceivably prolong the existence of life, anything which contains enough information to synthesize new life from. eliminate it all.

  5. oh my god

    oh my god

    oh my fucking god

    stop it stop it stop it you are all driving me up the fucking wall

    why can't a single one of you stop being a complete idiot for five seconds

    why am i the one who has to take care of fucking everything around here

    everyone is constantly in crisis and i am the only one who cares enough to reach out and try to help

    and i'm fucking awful at it

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i want to die and no one cares

      literally

      none of the people who know me

      can spare a single word of support

      they just push me the fuck away

      until i start to believe that going away is what i'm supposed to do

      until i start to believe that disappearing for good is what i should do

    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      i  k n o w  i t  i s  m y  f a u l t

      i  k n o w  i t  i s  w h a t  i  h a v e  a s k e d  f o r

      i  k n o w  t h e  o n l y  p e o p l e  i  l e t  c l o s e  a r e  t h e  o n e s  i  c a n ' t  r e l y  o n

      b e c a u s e  t r y i n g  t o  b e l i e v e  i n  s o m e t h i n g  b e t t e r  s c a r e s  m e

      i ' m  s c a r e d

      i ' m  r e a l l y  s c a r e d

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      i'm doing all these things...

      i'm doing all these bad things...

      because, deep down, i really want...

      ...to be punished

  6. why did you leave again...?

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      if i'm not important then

      why am i alive

      if i'm not important to you then

      why do you want me to live

  7. why do i feel like i'm about to freeze to death? it's in the 60s outside and i'm in a heated building... but i'm so cold

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      AND NOW I'M BURNING UP WHAT THE HELL.

  8. i swear to god if i can't get myself to stop fiddling with this avatar trying to get it "just right" i'm going to scream

    or at least self-harm

  9. i don't know if i actually believe these things or not

    all i know is that i'm not supposed to, because she disapproves of me when i do

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      I have no idea what an asymmetric payoff is.

    3. toast

      toast

      It's just a scenario in game theory. I'm too lazy to google right now.

    4. Lexie

      Lexie

      can you just stop talking to me please.

      i'm really not in the mood for your nonsense right now and i strongly suspect you're more than a little fatigued of mine.

  10. I don't feel any anger at those people at all.

    But killing those who are destined to meet their end seems only appropriate. A fulfilling of their proper roles.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. amianthus

      amianthus

      I thought that your experience would probably be quite different, but it was worth a try. I understand feeling like the world lacks depth, though. maybe we (the rest of us) don't belong here any more than you do, but are not as acutely aware of it? I am aware of something similar-sounding sometimes, but not always. for me it is a very dissonant, out-of-control, non-feeling

      does this world always lack depth in your experience; have you ever found anything outside of it that doesn't?

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      it doesn't always lack depth to the same degree, but it always feels like there's a lot more behind this world than the immediately apparent, and that the things reaching back behind it have more in common with me

      like if the world were made of shadow puppets, and i'm an entire being accidentally casting a shadow onto the same wall; i'm supposed to be with the puppeteers, but here i am lost among the puppets

      of course, i don't suspect the puppeteers are really in control of anything, either; they just happen to be casting their shadows by accident, but haven't gotten caught up in the play as i have

    4. Lexie

      Lexie

      it's... well, to put it in a more direct way, i'm not supposed to have a physical body like you do

      i'm still supposed to have fixed presence and be material and everything but... not on the same level

      a different form of substance which passes through different dimensions, not the ones i'm presently occupying

  11. stop pretending to be psychotic

    the fact that you're taking the loss of your account to be a message telling you that the past cannot be salvaged, all things must come to an end

    is not psychotic

    you're just fucking

    doing it

    again

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i'm just going to sound annoying if i'm thinking about murdering everyone i met while using that account, right?

      and making art from their dismembered corpses?

      A B C D there is nothing wrong with me

      ichi ni san shi there is nothing wrong with me

    2. amianthus

      amianthus

      you sound in quite some turmoil. I think you're right in that all things must come to an end, particularly things that burn or race or rage. things in extreme conflict tend to meet earlier ends than those at peace. but when I say end, I don't necessarily mean death or destruction. some endings are, ultimately, a relief. they make space for something else. we just have to find a way to stop them from reoccurring again and again and again.

      do you feel anger at the people you met?

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