Status Updates posted by Lexie
mental image: me, carrying dagger, stabbing people in throat when their guard drops
my head is just the same words over and over right now
"i love you"
and it's making me cry again
i had a dream and all i remember is "i'm sorry for being so demanding, can i at least talk to you again? i'm lonely and it hurts"
THE ONLY WAY OUT OF SAMSARA IS TO KILL EVERYTHING.
oh my god
oh my god
oh my fucking god
stop it stop it stop it you are all driving me up the fucking wall
why can't a single one of you stop being a complete idiot for five seconds
why am i the one who has to take care of fucking everything around here
everyone is constantly in crisis and i am the only one who cares enough to reach out and try to help
and i'm fucking awful at it
i k n o w i t i s m y f a u l t
i k n o w i t i s w h a t i h a v e a s k e d f o r
i k n o w t h e o n l y p e o p l e i l e t c l o s e a r e t h e o n e s i c a n ' t r e l y o n
b e c a u s e t r y i n g t o b e l i e v e i n s o m e t h i n g b e t t e r s c a r e s m e
i ' m s c a r e d
i ' m r e a l l y s c a r e d
why did you leave again...?
why do i feel like i'm about to freeze to death? it's in the 60s outside and i'm in a heated building... but i'm so cold
i swear to god if i can't get myself to stop fiddling with this avatar trying to get it "just right" i'm going to scream
or at least self-harm
i don't know if i actually believe these things or not
all i know is that i'm not supposed to, because she disapproves of me when i do
I don't feel any anger at those people at all.
But killing those who are destined to meet their end seems only appropriate. A fulfilling of their proper roles.
- Show previous comments 2 more
I thought that your experience would probably be quite different, but it was worth a try. I understand feeling like the world lacks depth, though. maybe we (the rest of us) don't belong here any more than you do, but are not as acutely aware of it? I am aware of something similar-sounding sometimes, but not always. for me it is a very dissonant, out-of-control, non-feeling
does this world always lack depth in your experience; have you ever found anything outside of it that doesn't?
it doesn't always lack depth to the same degree, but it always feels like there's a lot more behind this world than the immediately apparent, and that the things reaching back behind it have more in common with me
like if the world were made of shadow puppets, and i'm an entire being accidentally casting a shadow onto the same wall; i'm supposed to be with the puppeteers, but here i am lost among the puppets
of course, i don't suspect the puppeteers are really in control of anything, either; they just happen to be casting their shadows by accident, but haven't gotten caught up in the play as i have
it's... well, to put it in a more direct way, i'm not supposed to have a physical body like you do
i'm still supposed to have fixed presence and be material and everything but... not on the same level
a different form of substance which passes through different dimensions, not the ones i'm presently occupying
stop pretending to be psychotic
the fact that you're taking the loss of your account to be a message telling you that the past cannot be salvaged, all things must come to an end
is not psychotic
you're just fucking
you sound in quite some turmoil. I think you're right in that all things must come to an end, particularly things that burn or race or rage. things in extreme conflict tend to meet earlier ends than those at peace. but when I say end, I don't necessarily mean death or destruction. some endings are, ultimately, a relief. they make space for something else. we just have to find a way to stop them from reoccurring again and again and again.
do you feel anger at the people you met?