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Lexie

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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. see title this is why i don't want to "recover" basically a short form/weird euphemism for "pull the wool over your own eyes, because ignorance is bliss" tbh (i am way too negative, this is why i need to stop using this site)
  2. see title this is why i don't want to "recover" basically a short form/weird euphemism for "pull the wool over your own eyes, because ignorance is bliss" tbh (i am way too negative, this is why i need to stop using this site)
  3. i knew what you meant "not qualified even with qualifications" is a bit of an obtuse way of putting it, but like, if i had a license to practice medicine it'd probably be in everyone's best interests if i lost said license basically
  4. i swear to god if i can't get myself to stop fiddling with this avatar trying to get it "just right" i'm going to scream

    or at least self-harm

  5. I'm seriously thinking of going over to the store and just nabbing a Red Bull and walking out. Someone please stop me. Fuck. Why am I even feeling this way?! Edit: Never mind. Too late now.
  6. Well, maybe I'll diagnose them as suffering from infection by a spiritual virus. Like I thought about myself. Six months ago. Then again, there are supposedly practicing doctors who do say those sorts of things...
  7. Supposedly, I'm psychotic at least part of the time, so how am I supposed to trust my own judgment. Lol.
  8. God knows I'm not qualified. I probably wouldn't be qualified even if I had qualifications. I am crazy, after all.
  9. I'm not finding anything directly investigating the stability of the diagnosis, but I am finding studies and discussions of diagnostic problems and confusion of symptoms. Mostly, the finding is that childhood diagnoses of bipolar have often been made based on continuous moods and/or a habit of sudden flashes of emotion (especially anger), and this is wildly inappropriate and doesn't actually indicate bipolar at all. Exceptionally angry/acting out children tend to later develop other problems, not bipolar--anger as a symptom of bipolar disorder doesn't tend to develop until adolescence. Also, emotional problems in childhood in general actually predict that a patient diagnosed with bipolar on the basis of psychosis with possible mania will later be diagnosed with schizophrenia (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3224340/), general anger problems in childhood tend to predict depression (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20853919), and general acting out problems/ADHD/ODD/etc. tend to predict borderline personality (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21671009), but these sorts of problems have often been mistakenly taken as possible childhood bipolar symptomatology. It would help if we knew OP's age and symptoms at that initial diagnosis, but this really is ultimately a question for the professionals to discuss anyway, so.
  10. I don't know about bipolar, but I know schizophrenia seems to generally be caused by connections being culled, not built. It's true that connections continue to be built into one's early 20s, but it's also true that there's major pruning which kicks into high gear at about 15 and continues until the age of 30. Coincidentally, schizophrenia tends to develop around that 15 year mark, and almost never develops after 30--except in women (and perhaps afab trans people), where it sometimes kicks in with menopause, because estrogen is apparently an antipsychotic hormone. I've done some research. Rosie. I could still be wrong about OP's bipolar diagnosis, but I know very well that 15 is an important year for these things.
  11. Coincidentally, 15 is precisely the age where you're considered to be reaching adulthood for the purposes of a lot of psychiatric stuff. In other words, it's the age where you see a peak in initial presentations of psychotic and manic episodes. If you're referring to teenagers as children, you're blurring very important lines in a big way, neurologically speaking. ETA: I am looking for studies which investigate the long-term stability of pediatric bipolar diagnoses, give me a bit.
  12. The fact that you were diagnosed bipolar as a child tells me you're probably borderline, if either. Evidence suggests that not only does ""childhood bipolar"" more or less not exist, but the diagnosis is predictive of later MDD and/or BPD and rarely carries into actual adult bipolar disorder. But I am not a professional, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
  13. Lexie

    Say it.

    Lol, I'm not paranoid. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not. It's just that this is actually how I feel around people, all the time. Sooner or later every one of them says something really hurtful to me, usually somehow thinking they're being helpful or whatever, and then because I'm upset by it they assume I'm not listening and decide it's obviously the best course to be really insistent and say it again, and again, and again. But no, I heard it the first time, and it's been eating away at me ever since. All of it. Even the parts which aren't true.
  14. Lexie

    Say it.

    You're thinking something about me, right? Something I don't want to hear? So say it. Come on. Just come out and say it. You put those words in my head once and it will torture me for the rest of my life. So go ahead. All you have to do is say it and I will hear you loud and clear... over and over, in my head, for the rest of my life. But let's not kid ourselves. You're going to say it more than just once anyway.
  15. i don't know if i actually believe these things or not

    all i know is that i'm not supposed to, because she disapproves of me when i do

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      I have no idea what an asymmetric payoff is.

    2. toast

      toast

      It's just a scenario in game theory. I'm too lazy to google right now.

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      can you just stop talking to me please.

      i'm really not in the mood for your nonsense right now and i strongly suspect you're more than a little fatigued of mine.

    4. Show next comments  6 more
  16. I don't feel any anger at those people at all.

    But killing those who are destined to meet their end seems only appropriate. A fulfilling of their proper roles.

    1. amianthus

      amianthus

      I thought that your experience would probably be quite different, but it was worth a try. I understand feeling like the world lacks depth, though. maybe we (the rest of us) don't belong here any more than you do, but are not as acutely aware of it? I am aware of something similar-sounding sometimes, but not always. for me it is a very dissonant, out-of-control, non-feeling

      does this world always lack depth in your experience; have you ever found anything outside of it that doesn't?

    2. Lexie

      Lexie

      it doesn't always lack depth to the same degree, but it always feels like there's a lot more behind this world than the immediately apparent, and that the things reaching back behind it have more in common with me

      like if the world were made of shadow puppets, and i'm an entire being accidentally casting a shadow onto the same wall; i'm supposed to be with the puppeteers, but here i am lost among the puppets

      of course, i don't suspect the puppeteers are really in control of anything, either; they just happen to be casting their shadows by accident, but haven't gotten caught up in the play as i have

    3. Lexie

      Lexie

      it's... well, to put it in a more direct way, i'm not supposed to have a physical body like you do

      i'm still supposed to have fixed presence and be material and everything but... not on the same level

      a different form of substance which passes through different dimensions, not the ones i'm presently occupying

    4. Show next comments  6 more
  17. stop pretending to be psychotic

    the fact that you're taking the loss of your account to be a message telling you that the past cannot be salvaged, all things must come to an end

    is not psychotic

    you're just fucking

    doing it

    again

    1. Lexie

      Lexie

      i'm just going to sound annoying if i'm thinking about murdering everyone i met while using that account, right?

      and making art from their dismembered corpses?

      A B C D there is nothing wrong with me

      ichi ni san shi there is nothing wrong with me

    2. amianthus

      amianthus

      you sound in quite some turmoil. I think you're right in that all things must come to an end, particularly things that burn or race or rage. things in extreme conflict tend to meet earlier ends than those at peace. but when I say end, I don't necessarily mean death or destruction. some endings are, ultimately, a relief. they make space for something else. we just have to find a way to stop them from reoccurring again and again and again.

      do you feel anger at the people you met?

  18. it's a general statement, honestly; it applies to both this thread and the rest of my life i sort of posted it without thinking, i think i'm just hemorrhaging feelings everywhere at this point or whatever, idk and yeah i'm pretty sure my threads tend to climb to higher post counts than most because i'm generally really difficult about what advice i'll actually take... lol but thanks for the response, i guess ... or well, to be honest i think i'm sort of shouting everything i can at the top of my lungs, and i'm only semi-aware of doing it, but it is for a reason i'm consciously aware of this thread is like a signal flare of sorts, really a lot of what i'm doing right now is like a bunch of signal flares i don't know what to do but i know i can't stop, i can't go quiet, i can't just wait not because i'm anxious or distressed or whatever, though i am still a little, but that's fading but because if i don't, i'll be forgotten, my message won't be heard, or if it's heard it won't be believed i haven't really been thinking my actions through so well, so i'm not sure if it's terribly appropriate, but that's why i already know what happens if i go quiet or try to keep everything to myself, and it's silence, silence that feels unending i'm not going to let silence fall this time, because i'm sure that if silence falls she's going to think i left her again, i forgot or let go i'm not letting go, i'm holding the fuck on, and if she says not to stalk her i end up finding myself incapable of it, but i still have to speak by the way, if you're wondering why there seems to be some structure to some of my posting, you're not mistaken, though maybe you didn't see it's some sort of obsessive-compulsive thing where i feel the need to make a consistent pattern out of the length of each line of text in my post, haha
  19. calm down breathe don't get anxious over nothing again every time there's a pause in the flow of conversation, you get anxious. there's no need for that. you don't need to think something is wrong every time. there's no need for that. ...but maybe something is wrong. but maybe nothing is. note the feeling as a sign to pay attention, but don't assume it indicates a real threat. it indicates the potential of threat, not the certainty of one. breathe
  20. Hahaha. I'm not the lifeguard in that scenario. I'm the one drowning. I'm not so clueless as to not realise that. I'm the one panicking, I'm the one dragging people down with me, I'm the one clinging too tightly for anyone's well-being. I know that very well. And I think you know very well that the reason I'm willing to be obsessed is because I'm ambivalent about whether I should be here--not because I want to be apart from her, but because I'm afraid I'm hurting her. ...I'm afraid I'm hurting her, so I go ahead and take the risk anyway, trusting that if I screw up enough, she'll be gone, and she'll know better than to come back. There's a lot that's fucked up about my boundaries, my interactions. It's just the part about killing people that I'm copying from her. Most of the rest of the dysfunction has always been entirely mine. But you knew that and just didn't think I did, probably. ETA: There is one thing, though. There is one thing that is true above all others. I listen to her. If she tells me something, I will listen. I may act like I won't, but I will. I may act like I didn't, but I did. Every time. ETA2: ...Actually, that's probably one of the things she hates. That's probably something she finds really frustrating. If she contradicts herself, or acts ""disorganised"", or whatever, I listen to every part and try to integrate it into a coherent message. She doesn't get to just take things back, lie, etc. She doesn't get to just mislead me. She can try, and I may get confused and struggle, but I'm still listening. I'm still listening to all of it. I'm still taking every word seriously. Maybe I'm not the quickest study, and maybe I don't always draw the correct conclusions, but I'm listening. And when you let things slip that you really don't want to get out there, that's the worst kind of person to say them to. Isn't it?
  21. This is a bit late for me to be posting, but I wanted to add that as far as I know the concept of repressed memories is considered... umm, not especially well founded in evidence. On the other hand, there is plenty of evidence that extreme emotions/stress can make your memory go haywire, causing memory loss (in general, but especially of events unrelated to the trauma which occurred around the same time); memory distortion (basically, the memories which are kept become more representative rather than matching up to actual events, e.g. if you got into a bad car crash you'll remember the details of stuff like "there was a car crash, i was terrified" but everything else will be completely different from what really happened); and actually sometimes changes to your ability to form memories in general, esp. in childhood (in childhood the main/most obvious change is that it can take longer for your memory to develop fully to begin with). I might find sources for this later, but basically, yes, anything which qualifies as "traumatic" can do really bad things to your memory, and lesser stressors don't exactly do it any favours, either.
  22. this is going to turn into 2014 all over again i scream and scream and scream for someone to fucking help her and i just get ignored because I'm """"""crazy"""""" and the next time i see her she has been deeply retraumatised and become even more fucked up this is great this is fantastic you should be ashamed of yourselves i may be a failure but at least i'm trying to do something
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