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Lexie

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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. ... It's probably not even my own property. It's probably something I'm copying from her. But no one is trying to help her. No one cares about her. ETA: No one cares about her and I am making it worse. I am absorbing and reflecting everything she is burying and I am making it worse. I am dedicating myself to her and I am making it worse. I'm not crazy. There's not a single part of me that has ever been crazy. I feel too much, and sometimes I feel so much I can't even think straight, but I'm not crazy. The only thing wrong here is the input, and you're not even paying attention to the input. If you want to fix this, then you should be listening to her screams. Just like no one ever fucking has. No one except me. And I can't do anything about them. Fuck you. And fuck me.
  2. By the way, I'd like to apologise, for, like... Um, literally this entire thread. Sorry.
  3. (I'm quoting you hoping you'll receive a notification, maybe a quicker response, sorry if you're busy. :x) Okay, a couple questions. First, you're really sure my thinking is disorganised/disordered, right? Like, very apparently so? Because no one outside of this thread has mentioned it and I can't tell at all, so I'm really not sure if I can believe it... but, obviously, I'm not going to trust my own judgment here, either. Second, again, any recommendations on receiving treatment? The only place I've actually been linked up with locally seems to have a really long wait to actually get in to see a psychiatrist, and when I found out the nearest appointment I could make would be in July (no, really) I sort of gave up on them. I've been looking a bit since, but most other services here either don't accept my insurance, don't accept any insurance, or have a similarly long waiting period. Exactly how severe is this and how urgent should it be considered? Bearing in mind I'm too much of a coward to actually kill anyone, self included, if the past few weeks are any indication. Apologies if you're not actually equipped to answer these questions, but yeah. Trying to get a response ASAP, since I can't tell and have no idea how urgent this is. (I'd ask chat but I got banned from a fairly long while back and I'm not supposed to "ban evade", so...)
  4. Severely? Wait, it's actually that bad? Huh. I can't tell at all. Which I guess is normal, but sort of funny to realise. Not that it's brand new, mind, but yeah let's stop talking at length about nothing. I have haloperidol as a PRN in case something awful happens, and it'd probably treat this symptom (?), but honestly I've been trying to get in to see a pdoc for a good while and I'm having no luck there. Any recommendations?
  5. I've decided. The next time someone tries to get close to me, if all else fails, I will kill them. I will murder them. I will bury them. This is not a joke, a threat, a promise, an ultimatum... or even a declaration, in the traditional connotation. This is a vow to myself, an act sworn to out of necessity. If I kill someone for getting close to me, and make it known, that will be the last. At that point, finally, people will believe me when I say to stay the fuck away. Finally.
  6. of course, if that's not the cause, the next most likely cause would be the effect of serotonin on increasing harm aversion in other words, she's now more likely to just leave when i do things that hurt her which i do all the time which makes it basically my fucking fault but hey, why would i admit that why would i ever admit it's my fault it's not like knowing it's my fault is why i'm crying or anything nope, not at all it's not like the reason i'm really lashing out and everything like this is because i feel powerless to fix it nope, not at all but there is one truth here there is one absolute truth here the reason i won't accept treatment, the reason i won't cooperate with treatment, is because i'm afraid it will take me away from you and that's probably just more reason to cut me off in your eyes, isn't it? that probably makes you think you're bad for me, doesn't it? but what i'm telling you is that i'm even fucking less likely to accept it if you leave because when you're not here i'm even more scared and even more defensive and i don't understand why you don't care i know i'm too needy and demanding i know i can't do anything right and that's why i wanted you to stay because you always fucking tell me when i'm wrong so i don't understand why that's too much for you why you don't believe it will work when i tell you it's already working when i'm literally alive right now when i've had chance after chance after chance to kill myself and i've hesitated too much, for too long, to go through with any of them specifically because you told me not to fucking die specifically because you told me trying to die was bad and hurtful and i fucking listen to you why is it that when i listen to you you still just leave why is it that even when i'm trying to be good you still just leave i've never tried to be good for anyone just you i can't even help it with you if you tell me to do something and i know you mean it i can't go against it and why does it seem like you don't care about that at all or is it that you hate it is it that that's what's wrong with me now am i supposed to not listen to you? what the fuck? oh my god this is so pathetic
  7. ...If I'm not entirely of sound mind, or if my thoughts aren't entirely rational, then how am I supposed to be of any use to her? If I can't be of any use to her then why is she telling me it's not okay for me to die but she doesn't want me to be present in her life either? ... Am I honestly so fucking hopeless that this is how it has to be? That I can't be anything for anyone? That I can't have any relationship with anyone? I already know that trying to live just for myself just leaves me feeling impossibly empty, so then why the fuck are you telling me I have to stay alive anyway? I'm pushing away everyone who will stay with me because I don't want to become dependent on them and betray you, but how am I supposed to live out the rest of my life with no hope, no company, and all of my fucking hobbies and interests overlapping with yours to the point that it's painful to even think of them? i don't understand if i have to live then if i have to live then what am i supposed to do with my life i'm not going to fucking betray you i'm not going to replace you i'm not going to """get better""" if it will lead me away from you i said i'd stay so i'm going to fucking stay but if you're not here why am i here i know that question doesn't mean anything i know i'm not worthy of your presence i know i left you for nearly a week, and then smothered you for nearly a week, and then pushed you away because i was upset, and then i know i know i did everyone wrong and i know everyone leaves when i act like that but you didn't leave you spent so long not leaving, you spent so long with me and being understanding when i was really awful to you and i wanted to be able to support you the same way you did me so why can't i do anything and why did you end up leaving after all and why is the fucking last message you leave me with that it's not okay to fucking kill myself when i don't have anything to live for i've said it before and i'll say it again: this is why i'm hostile to the antidepressants if you had tried to pull something like this in 2014 you would've had some fucking empathy and known you were putting me in a triple-bind and how cruel that was, but now you just go and do it and don't care in the slightest guilt doesn't just hurt us it tells us when we're doing something wrong it doesn't exist to inconvenience us it exists to prevent us from being horrible fucking people and i thought you of all people would realise that but i guess i was wrong
  8. I'm not trying to be a doctor. I'll leave the doctoring to the doctors. I guess you could say I'm trying to take on the role of a guardian. Basically, the consensus here seems to be that my Theory of Mind is slipping--in other words, that my attentional processes seem to be scattered to the point that I'm incapable of processing information in a coherent manner, and it is negatively impacting my communication skills. I am not sufficiently cognitively organised to share information with others in a way that is fully intelligible, alternately leaving out information and including more information than necessary (that is, contradicting myself as a result of including parts of my thought process which are not strictly relevant to you, as they do not agree with my eventual conclusion). Additionally, my entire posting here seems to be more of a sort of stream of consciousness, but badly broken--I'm sharing my thoughts as they come, but only some of them, which makes my meaning especially difficult to parse. Overall, it's a pretty classic presentation of disordered thinking which indicates some degree of neurological impairment, though the question of whether the cause would be classified as "organic" or "psychological" (as tenuous as the logic behind those categories may be) would require more information. And yes, this is about how I'm speaking to people in real life at the moment, as well. Interesting. (I did tell you we were similar, didn't I, Ms. Girl-from-2014? This is me approaching my natural state. God knows your 2016 self probably won't like it, and I'm probably going to get worse from here. ...More than anything else, the hospitalisation crushed your confidence, and I really hate that.) ETA: Ah, and yeah, that is what I'm saying. God may not be the exact right word for it, but it's the nearest approximation immediately available within my lexicon.
  9. Certainly, and that's not what I mean. Therapy is a consensual environment. Rehab is a consensual environment. The "preventing someone from killing themself" thing is more what I mean. Except, instill it in them to the point that they'll be too crippled to try if they do get the opportunity. Learned helplessness is very context-dependent, after all. Leave someone feeling powerless to do the wrong thing, and they'll have to consider alternatives, whether they like it or not. ...Also, Really? What do you mean by that? I can't see any gross disorganisation in my speech or behaviour.
  10. You can make people change. Being forced to change is usually how people end up fucked up in the first place. There's no rule that says you can't force people to get better, too--the entire concept of "force" as being inherently negative is a very human, very limited, very unbiased point of view. One might even argue that force is exactly how we make people do "the right thing" to begin with--that's why we have things like laws, after all. Everyone knows force is a tool that can be used to bring about either salvation or destruction. People just don't like to admit it because they're afraid of giving one person too much power. As it turns out, the fear of power is for those too weak to take it. I'm not trying to fix her, though. She's not broken. A little rough around the edges, going down the wrong path, and eager to just burn out and crash, sure, but not broken. If she were truly broken, she wouldn't still be going at all. Broken things don't function poorly, they don't function period. ... Anyway, no, gods don't necessarily have the power to do anything in particular. Gods necessarily have some sort of power or dominion, as it's unlikely they'd be considered gods otherwise, but there's nothing specific that has to be within their power or dominion to allow them to qualify as gods. I have the ability to care for someone who "doesn't want my help" because I've chosen to have that ability. There are only two outcomes with me. Either I succeed, or I decide my path was mistaken and change course. Under any other circumstance, I won't accept failure. "Impossible" is a word people use to excuse their own laziness. ... And you may have guessed, but I've gone back on being crazy. I can see why people say it, but I don't think it applies in the least.
  11. The mind of a god is incomprehensible to mortals. Sit down.
  12. That's the one point I've never listened to, really. I think I was budging on it, "getting better" about it, especially last year, but... honestly, the moment she walked into my life again, back in November, it was all about her. Immediately, completely all about her. And I don't mind that at all. She deserves a lot better than she's getting, and than she's gotten, and having a goal in mind gives me the motivation I need to keep going. ETA: Have a song. Oh my god, what is it with me and songs?!
  13. """its almost next to impossible to change grownups""" how's that for some conventional wisdom You know, there's this funny thing about psychology and neurology research, where it curiously turns out that the brain tends to develop and function in the way you would expect according to the culture of the person whose brain it is. Me? I believe the "adults can't change" is some bullshit westerners made up to excuse being stubborn as adults. So, yeah, no, that line isn't going to work on me. Behaviours are habits and habits can be changed. Period. But honestly, your general attitude is a bit condescending, not to mention arrogant. I'm your intellectual superior, so can we, like, not do this, dude?
  14. I don't care what she says she wants. She has a long and storied history of fucking her own life up, deliberately, and not just in the context of relationships. Between the straight up self-harm, the substance abuse, the suicide attempts, the driving while abusing substances, the various impulse control disorder symptoms in general, the disordered eating, the lying to her psychiatrist to get on meds that don't help her (that SHE KNOWS don't help her) and then stubbornly resisting any attempts to get her off of them or actually be fucking honest with her psych for once, the refusal to consider therapy as a viable treatment instead of just continuing the dysfunctional misuse of psych meds/psych services in general, the direct resistance to attempting any of the evidence-based treatments for the memory problems she developed after ECT (no, really, if you suggest them she'll say "oh well i don't really care..." after spending W E E K S talking about how awful her memory is and how miserable it makes her), blah blah etc. etc. Fuck her judgment, honestly. And let's be honest, this is probably what she likes about me. The single-minded devotion and caring for her whether-she-likes-it-or-not. If it weren't, she wouldn't have started talking to me and opening up again after the first stalking episode, right? So I'll give her exactly what she needs. If she needs to be controlled, if she needs someone to tell her she has no choice but to get better and protect herself, I'll do that for her. She can pretend to hate me for it all she wants.
  15. Ahaha... This is amazing. This is fantastic. I have a new account because I keep locking myself out of mine. Intentionally. i think I now have three accounts I'm locked out of on your servers. But no, I finally realise it. I accepted being mentally ill or whatever, but it never really felt true until now. It felt like I was basically just making up a label for me being a little extreme about my feelings until now. Not actually ill or anything. Now I see it. Now, I see why they say I'm crazy. I'm literally stalking people. Again. And not just her. Now I've added another person to my list, and I'm stalking both of them. Holy shit, I am fucked up.
  16. I think I've cried literally every day since the Friday a couple days after I was admitted to the hospital, in February. I started crying because I was in the hospital and afraid I would get out and she would be upset and distant... and then I got out, and she was distant, but insisted she wasn't upset. And I've just been in a constant state of tearfulness and panic since then, and honestly I barely remember most of it. Most of my memories since January are sort of a blur, even. I spent most of the time we were talking in a constant state of extremely high stress, constantly worried whether she was okay, whether anything was wrong. And then it's like, the moment I started to feel like maybe I could let my guard down a little bit, the bottom dropped out. I wonder if that's why the bottom dropped out. Because I started to feel like I could trust her, and I opened up a little more, and she wasn't prepared to deal with it. ... ETA: I don't believe her. I'll never believe her. She was definitely upset. There's no way she could treat me that horribly if she wasn't upset. ETA2: No. I'm definitely lying about her death freeing me. I'm sure I'd wait for her even if she died. Even if I knew she had died.
  17. You still want to support me after all of this? Lol. That doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sort of blatantly refusing your advice and turning my nose up and everything... That's enough for now, then, I think. Just offering to help, even with how difficult I'm being, means a lot. If I can think of something more, or more specific, I'll be sure to let you know, but nothing is coming to mind right now.
  18. It's not. But I've thought it over and it seems like the only reasonable option I have.
  19. "Leave her" "Move on" "Let go" I'm not pulling that this time. I said I'm staying, so I'm staying. I may be the absolute worst person and the least qualified to do that, and if that's the case then she can decide that for herself and stop coming back. She wouldn't be mistaken. i think she knows as well as I do that, of the two of us, I am worse. If she does stop coming back, I'll still wait for her. I'll spend the rest of my life alone, if need be. That was already the path I was headed down, and it doesn't really sound so bad anymore. At one point in my life, I felt like I needed to find someone who would forgive me before the end. Instead, I found someone who convinced me that the end, in itself, would be a sin for which I could not be forgiven. So I'm done looking for redemption, I'm done looking for forgiveness, I'm done looking for salvation, and I'm done looking for love. If none of those things come to me, it's either because I don't deserve them or because they don't exist at all, and, either way, I'm prepared to accept that. The one thing i won't do is let go of my pain just to make it easier to get through the day-to-day. The one thing I won't do is risk killing my feeling just so I can pretend things are alright, or better, or whatever the fuck. Take one look at the news and it's obvious this world isn't fucking "alright". And forgetting that? Closing your eyes to that? Turning up the lights until they're so bright they blind you, and you can no longer see how deeply wrong everything is? That's wrong. That's the most wrong anyone can ever be, not just morally, but also factually. It's not exactly a secret in academic circles that depressed people are less gullible and have more accurate judgment in general. So I'm not doing that, There are a lot of things I'll do, but that is not one of them. There are a lot of things I'll accept treatment for, but my guilt is not one of them. It's the only damn thing keeping me tethered.
  20. Any "help" I get is going to point me down the same path all of you have, though the directions to get to the end might be more convoluted to make it easier for me to do. That's why I won't accept help. I see that this is unhealthy, and I see why, and I don't care. She's doing the wrong thing, over and over and over, and the bottom drops out on people when they do that, always, sooner or later. I'm staying with her. There may never be any reward in it for me, but I'm staying with her. From the very beginning, I knew she was the only one I had ever met who made sense to me, the only one I had ever met who was about just as fucked up in pretty much all the same ways. And I won't sacrifice her, because, eventually, I got tired of people sacrificing me.
  21. i thought it might i wasn't sure i wasn't sure and i was really upset and scared and felt like i had to do something so i tried it and that's what this is really all about that's what this really all comes down to this isn't about love or intimacy or any of that and it never has been, because when i find people i can actually rely on i just find reasons to push them away and ultimately cut them out this is about guilt this is about me trying to do something helpful for someone so i can feel like for once my entire life wasn't a fucking mistake this is about convincing myself i was actually good for someone that i haven't just always done everything wrong but that's not true i have just done everything wrong even when i tried my best to do the right thing it still turned out all wrong both times the other feelings involved here are incidental, they may have influence but they're not the main point the main point is guilt the main point with me is always guilt
  22. the first time i tried stalking i was trying to do the right thing i knew what i was doing might not be the right thing i knew what i was doing could very well just be a really bad thing but i didn't know what to do so i tried it anyway i tried it anyway and it didn't turn out good at all and now i feel really horrible over it and i can't stop crying and i hate that it seems like even when i really am trying my best i still can't do anything right i don't understand why everything i try to do turns out wrong
  23. You think pushing the baby bird out of the nest is the way to teach it to fly, until it slams into the ground and dies. I don't believe in tough love, or the school of hard knocks, or "just learning to deal with it". Too many people can't fucking deal with it and ultimately end up dead or crippled because no one came for them when they called for help. Besides, all the research says that the best way to help someone who is unstable is to give them something stable to hold on to. Unconditionally. So I'm trying. Even if I'm fucking bad at it, too. And if I cared very much about what happened to me I wouldn't have all the scars and ER visits I do... Lol.
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