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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. ... It's probably not even my own property. It's probably something I'm copying from her. But no one is trying to help her. No one cares about her. ETA: No one cares about her and I am making it worse. I am absorbing and reflecting everything she is burying and I am making it worse. I am dedicating myself to her and I am making it worse. I'm not crazy. There's not a single part of me that has ever been crazy. I feel too much, and sometimes I feel so much I can't even think straight, but I'm not crazy. The only thing wrong here is the input, and
  2. By the way, I'd like to apologise, for, like... Um, literally this entire thread. Sorry.
  3. (I'm quoting you hoping you'll receive a notification, maybe a quicker response, sorry if you're busy. :x) Okay, a couple questions. First, you're really sure my thinking is disorganised/disordered, right? Like, very apparently so? Because no one outside of this thread has mentioned it and I can't tell at all, so I'm really not sure if I can believe it... but, obviously, I'm not going to trust my own judgment here, either. Second, again, any recommendations on receiving treatment? The only place I've actually been linked up with locally seems to have a really long wait to actually ge
  4. Severely? Wait, it's actually that bad? Huh. I can't tell at all. Which I guess is normal, but sort of funny to realise. Not that it's brand new, mind, but yeah let's stop talking at length about nothing. I have haloperidol as a PRN in case something awful happens, and it'd probably treat this symptom (?), but honestly I've been trying to get in to see a pdoc for a good while and I'm having no luck there. Any recommendations?
  5. I've decided. The next time someone tries to get close to me, if all else fails, I will kill them. I will murder them. I will bury them. This is not a joke, a threat, a promise, an ultimatum... or even a declaration, in the traditional connotation. This is a vow to myself, an act sworn to out of necessity. If I kill someone for getting close to me, and make it known, that will be the last. At that point, finally, people will believe me when I say to stay the fuck away. Finally.
  6. of course, if that's not the cause, the next most likely cause would be the effect of serotonin on increasing harm aversion in other words, she's now more likely to just leave when i do things that hurt her which i do all the time which makes it basically my fucking fault but hey, why would i admit that why would i ever admit it's my fault it's not like knowing it's my fault is why i'm crying or anything nope, not at all it's not like the reason i'm really lashing out and everything like this is because i feel powerless to fix it nope, not at a
  7. ...If I'm not entirely of sound mind, or if my thoughts aren't entirely rational, then how am I supposed to be of any use to her? If I can't be of any use to her then why is she telling me it's not okay for me to die but she doesn't want me to be present in her life either? ... Am I honestly so fucking hopeless that this is how it has to be? That I can't be anything for anyone? That I can't have any relationship with anyone? I already know that trying to live just for myself just leaves me feeling impossibly empty, so then why the fuck are you telli
  8. I'm not trying to be a doctor. I'll leave the doctoring to the doctors. I guess you could say I'm trying to take on the role of a guardian. Basically, the consensus here seems to be that my Theory of Mind is slipping--in other words, that my attentional processes seem to be scattered to the point that I'm incapable of processing information in a coherent manner, and it is negatively impacting my communication skills. I am not sufficiently cognitively organised to share information with others in a way that is fully intelligible, alternately leaving out information and including more
  9. Certainly, and that's not what I mean. Therapy is a consensual environment. Rehab is a consensual environment. The "preventing someone from killing themself" thing is more what I mean. Except, instill it in them to the point that they'll be too crippled to try if they do get the opportunity. Learned helplessness is very context-dependent, after all. Leave someone feeling powerless to do the wrong thing, and they'll have to consider alternatives, whether they like it or not. ...Also, Really? What do you mean by that? I can't see any gross disorganisation in my speech or b
  10. You can make people change. Being forced to change is usually how people end up fucked up in the first place. There's no rule that says you can't force people to get better, too--the entire concept of "force" as being inherently negative is a very human, very limited, very unbiased point of view. One might even argue that force is exactly how we make people do "the right thing" to begin with--that's why we have things like laws, after all. Everyone knows force is a tool that can be used to bring about either salvation or destruction. People just don't like to admit it because they're
  11. The mind of a god is incomprehensible to mortals. Sit down.
  12. That's the one point I've never listened to, really. I think I was budging on it, "getting better" about it, especially last year, but... honestly, the moment she walked into my life again, back in November, it was all about her. Immediately, completely all about her. And I don't mind that at all. She deserves a lot better than she's getting, and than she's gotten, and having a goal in mind gives me the motivation I need to keep going. ETA: Have a song. Oh my god, what is it with me and songs?!
  13. """its almost next to impossible to change grownups""" how's that for some conventional wisdom You know, there's this funny thing about psychology and neurology research, where it curiously turns out that the brain tends to develop and function in the way you would expect according to the culture of the person whose brain it is. Me? I believe the "adults can't change" is some bullshit westerners made up to excuse being stubborn as adults. So, yeah, no, that line isn't going to work on me. Behaviours are habits and habits can be changed. Period. But honestly, your general at
  14. I don't care what she says she wants. She has a long and storied history of fucking her own life up, deliberately, and not just in the context of relationships. Between the straight up self-harm, the substance abuse, the suicide attempts, the driving while abusing substances, the various impulse control disorder symptoms in general, the disordered eating, the lying to her psychiatrist to get on meds that don't help her (that SHE KNOWS don't help her) and then stubbornly resisting any attempts to get her off of them or actually be fucking honest with her psych for once, the refusal to cons
  15. Ahaha... This is amazing. This is fantastic. I have a new account because I keep locking myself out of mine. Intentionally. i think I now have three accounts I'm locked out of on your servers. But no, I finally realise it. I accepted being mentally ill or whatever, but it never really felt true until now. It felt like I was basically just making up a label for me being a little extreme about my feelings until now. Not actually ill or anything. Now I see it. Now, I see why they say I'm crazy. I'm literally stalking people. Again. And not just her. Now I've added another pers
  16. I think I've cried literally every day since the Friday a couple days after I was admitted to the hospital, in February. I started crying because I was in the hospital and afraid I would get out and she would be upset and distant... and then I got out, and she was distant, but insisted she wasn't upset. And I've just been in a constant state of tearfulness and panic since then, and honestly I barely remember most of it. Most of my memories since January are sort of a blur, even. I spent most of the time we were talking in a constant state of extremely high stress, constantly worried
  17. You still want to support me after all of this? Lol. That doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sort of blatantly refusing your advice and turning my nose up and everything... That's enough for now, then, I think. Just offering to help, even with how difficult I'm being, means a lot. If I can think of something more, or more specific, I'll be sure to let you know, but nothing is coming to mind right now.
  18. It's not. But I've thought it over and it seems like the only reasonable option I have.
  19. "Leave her" "Move on" "Let go" I'm not pulling that this time. I said I'm staying, so I'm staying. I may be the absolute worst person and the least qualified to do that, and if that's the case then she can decide that for herself and stop coming back. She wouldn't be mistaken. i think she knows as well as I do that, of the two of us, I am worse. If she does stop coming back, I'll still wait for her. I'll spend the rest of my life alone, if need be. That was already the path I was headed down, and it doesn't really sound so bad anymore. At one point in my life, I f
  20. Any "help" I get is going to point me down the same path all of you have, though the directions to get to the end might be more convoluted to make it easier for me to do. That's why I won't accept help. I see that this is unhealthy, and I see why, and I don't care. She's doing the wrong thing, over and over and over, and the bottom drops out on people when they do that, always, sooner or later. I'm staying with her. There may never be any reward in it for me, but I'm staying with her. From the very beginning, I knew she was the only one I had ever met who made sense to me, the
  21. i thought it might i wasn't sure i wasn't sure and i was really upset and scared and felt like i had to do something so i tried it and that's what this is really all about that's what this really all comes down to this isn't about love or intimacy or any of that and it never has been, because when i find people i can actually rely on i just find reasons to push them away and ultimately cut them out this is about guilt this is about me trying to do something helpful for someone so i can feel like for once my entire life wasn't a fucking mistake this is ab
  22. the first time i tried stalking i was trying to do the right thing i knew what i was doing might not be the right thing i knew what i was doing could very well just be a really bad thing but i didn't know what to do so i tried it anyway i tried it anyway and it didn't turn out good at all and now i feel really horrible over it and i can't stop crying and i hate that it seems like even when i really am trying my best i still can't do anything right i don't understand why everything i try to do turns out wrong
  23. You think pushing the baby bird out of the nest is the way to teach it to fly, until it slams into the ground and dies. I don't believe in tough love, or the school of hard knocks, or "just learning to deal with it". Too many people can't fucking deal with it and ultimately end up dead or crippled because no one came for them when they called for help. Besides, all the research says that the best way to help someone who is unstable is to give them something stable to hold on to. Unconditionally. So I'm trying. Even if I'm fucking bad at it, too. And if I cared very much about wh
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