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Lexie

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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. It's not an available choice. If I thought it were the better option, I'd be going for it, but the information I've been provided with so far leans in favour of "don't fucking stalk people you asshole". So I'm not doing it, even though I'm really struggling to figure out what I should be doing here. Apparently, you're struggling, too. Maybe that helps you to understand why I had to ask for advice? Lol.
  2. Well, I'm more willing to break the law than to break my principles, so legality really isn't an important factor, here, for me. I mean, basing one's morality off of what is legal and what is not is for people at the fourth stage of moral reasoning. I like to think I've grown beyond that stage. Lol.
  3. I'm willing, but I honestly don't know how able I am either. I haven't even really been given the chance to try in a very long time, so. But it sounds like you're basically saying I don't have any options here, at all?
  4. Possibly. That's why I'm talking about it here instead of resorting to potentially criminal behaviour. But that also doesn't mean I'm leaving.
  5. Okay. Can we brainstorm for other options? And I have done the second. Last time this happened, I disappeared for a while, and it took a long time before we found each other again, though it seemed like both of us had been thinking of each other. Of course, I disappeared because I started to believe her when she said things were over. She was lying. She is always lying. I'm just not sure if leaving her a contact method and going quiet is the best move for her. I'm afraid that I'm going to be doing too much, or too little, regardless of what I do. I know she's the one who's taught me to feel that way. I've heard it all before. People have been telling me she's evil, sadistic, bad, a bad influence, bad for me, crazy, etc. etc. for, literally, years. I don't care. I've heard it all before, and all it does is make me irritated. That's why I won't even broach the subject of her in therapy, even though sometimes she's the main thing I'd need help with. So, again, I'm trying to figure out what I should do.
  6. How many times are you going to make me answer this question? I know what options aren't available. I don't know what the remaining options are. That's what I'm asking. You're just angry I'm not complying to your attempts to force me to take one of the options that isn't available. That doesn't fall on me.
  7. Her. She would basically tell me to leave then act devastated if I tried leaving. So I'm not leaving. Not even if she tells me to.
  8. Her, yes. Anyone who is attached to me or relies on me, more generally.
  9. With regard to what? I can't go through with the stalking because that's wrong. I can't die because that's wrong. I can't leave because that's wrong. I have been told all of these things are wrong. I have been told all of these things are things I should not do, that they will hurt people, so I can't do any of them. Over and over. But I don't know what options are left for me. As for insulting, that's because I don't take kindly to being repeatedly misgendered by cishet probably-white males, when my gender is literally listed right there, next to every post, and I've already corrected someone on it once in this very thread. I mean, fuck, I'm not even same-gender attracted. Talk about heteronormativity. That would be a fucking blessing, honestly. Lol. Then I wouldn't have to go through this shit anymore.
  10. No, the "advice" wasn't why I got insulting. But you, too, could stand to stop assuming you know more than you do about people and their motivations. Also, you probably shouldn't turn to insulting people while lecturing them about not insulting people. It's hypocritical.
  11. Why would I want to be a man about anything? And lol, as if you know anything about anyone's feelings. You've already demonstrated a profound inability to understand people's motivations, so please just stop.
  12. My needs? Really? So you're saying that when she said she needed me, when she said she wanted me to be there, when she said she wanted me to stay by her side, when she said we would be together until death, that was all about my needs? No, my needs were to be closer to someone. She holds me at a distance. My needs were to be able to rely on someone. She is hardly ever here when I really need someone. My needs were to have someone who would let me feel like it was okay to die, like I had finally earned the right to a peaceful death. She just tells me that dying is wrong. My needs? My needs have never been met by her. The only thing I always kept asking her for was to give me enough so that I could calm down and be sure things were still alright, that she wasn't hurt, that she was still okay, and she stubbornly refuses to even do that much. But you're right in another way. This is about one of my needs. This is about my need to not go back on my promises. This is about my need to make good on the times I said I would stay with her, the times I said I would help her, the times I said I would do my best to give her anything she needed, and the times I said that even if I failed I would not give up, I would pick up and keep going and do everything I could to make sure I didn't fail again. And yeah, maybe she doesn't want that anymore, and that definitely makes it about "my needs." My needs to take responsibility for the things I say and do for at least once in this miserable mess I call a life. And you're right about one thing. I am trying to do things just for myself, trying to ignore the feelings of others, trying to fail completely at basic consideration; every time I try to kill myself, that's exactly what I'm doing. Death has never been about atonement or punishment, it's only ever about release and freedom. And that's what I'm trying to find. I'm trying to find freedom from my most basic responsibility: the responsibility to make good on my promises, the responsibility to be there for the people I fucking said I would. But I'm scared, and I'm confused, and I don't know what I should be doing because no one will tell me. You keep telling me to do what's best for my own health and then turning around and saying it's selfish to not abandon people and break promises just because my needs aren't being met. There are a lot of contradictions here, and they're not coming from me. Not a single one of them is coming from me. You're the ones who aren't making any sense, who are flipflopping positions and making logically inconsistent arguments. And yeah, I get that you're multiple people, but the fact that you can be telling me to do the same thing but have mutually opposed reasoning for it? That doesn't give me any confidence in any of you at all. So, call me a bitch, or whatever, but I'm not going back on my word. If I have honestly failed so badly that people don't even want to give me the chance to keep my word anymore, then fine. That will just have to be the way I live the rest of my life. Because if there's one thing I'm not willing to be, it's a traitor. Not again. Not anymore.
  13. Okay, seriously, this is getting irritating, so let's lay out some ground rules. I'm not leaving. I'm not letting go. Those options are off the table. I already know it's abusive and fucked up. I already know both parties in this relationship are and have been abusive and fucked up. In fact, that's why I'm not leaving. I understand exactly what's going on here, I can understand it and relate to it, and therefore I'm not going to just ditch them because sometimes they do bad things. Sometimes I do bad things too. I'm not going to hold that against them. The reason I created this topic is to decide how to approach this situation when it is plainly difficult as fuck to process. I'm not asking for your input on how we're bad for each other or just mistreating each other or whatever else. The order of events is more like, she said she found me interesting and enjoyed talking to me, then she got really cold and distant and starting talking about how awful I was and the poor should just die and stop struggling so much, then she said she was really sorry and saying those things wasn't okay, then she told me she wanted me to die, then she was afraid I might actually die and she said she needed me, then I threatened to leave her because she wouldn't stop smoking, but she got really upset and started sobbing and saying she just wanted me to be there, then she said she loved me very very much and wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives, then she pushed me way the fuck out and would barely speak to me, then I said I hated her, then she left altogether, then she nearly killed herself a few times and I nearly killed myself a few times and I'm pretty sure we both did so while thinking of each other, then we started talking again, then she told me about the songs she had been listening to recently and they were pretty much all either love songs or breakup songs but she insisted they weren't about me or anything, then I got really upset because she was talking about how unimportant I was all the time and I told her she was evil for having so little compassion for the poor, blah blah we both ended up apologising and she said she could always forgive me because she knew that I usually wasn't like that and was usually really nice and supportive, then the next day we did a Skype video call all day and suddenly the next day she wouldn't speak to me (again) so I just let things go silent, a few months passed, we talked again, she said she found a song that reminded her of me (another love song), then she started talking about how she liked me but felt like there were too many strings attached to our interactions, then she said if she had to choose someone she would always choose me and sent me Seafret - Oceans, then I got a little more distant and she seemed upset and worried something was wrong so I forced myself to keep talking to her, then I suddenly got a lot more suicidal than usual and she told me I should go IP so I did, then I came back out and she didn't want to talk to me anymore, and then more stuff etc. It does sound very healthy, doesn't it.
  14. but she said she needed me how am i supposed to leave someone when they say something like that how am i supposed to leave someone who's struggling through most days and would really like to just give up when they said they needed me i know what i'm doing is wrong but i can't just leave someone behind like that so what am i supposed to do am i lying to myself i'm probably lying to myself i probably don't have any positive intentions at all i'm probably just making excuses to hold on so why do i feel so scared of letting go why do i feel like i have to push everyone else out of my life so i don't betray her why do i feel like if she died things would be easier because then i'd be able to move on without feeling guilty about it
  15. That would mean that nearly everything that has ever gone wrong in my life is my fault and no one else's responsibility too. Even if that is true, it's a fact that I still need help and instead of asking for it I usually just push people away. It's still true that if someone says something off to me there's a good chance I'll slam the door on them immediately. And it's still true that I wish there would be someone who wouldn't just give up on me because I'm that difficult. I'm not prepared to watch someone who is hurt and scared and just leave them behind because they're not doing what I want. I am thinking of trying to get a therapist again. I've been looking a little. The main problem is that my old one apparently is usually booked almost two months out, and "once every two months" really doesn't sound very useful. Not that therapy has ever been very useful for me to begin with.
  16. I already explained that. I don't want to abandon anyone. I don't want to leave anyone behind. I've always done that. I've always pushed people until they just can't handle it anymore and then left as if it was their fault. I'm tired of cutting people off when they didn't do anything wrong. I'm tired of making people feel like they have no choice but to give up on me when they really, really don't want to give up but just can't see any other way, anything more they can do. I hate that most of all. I hate the feeling of "there's nothing I can do" most of all. And I don't want anyone to be stuck with that feeling because of me. I don't want to see someone again after months and hear them say "Losing you is one of my greatest regrets, but I'm too scared it'll turn out like last time to take another chance." And that's already happened too many times.
  17. Is it that unusual for someone to know something is wrong and do it anyway, then feel bad after? I thought that was just part of the human condition. I'm not getting any treatment right now because I can't get an appointment for any time soon. I'm not sure why you thought "healthy relationship" when I said "stalker" though. And lol, I don't want any relationships anyway.
  18. People don't always show their feelings, especially not directly.
  19. The same way I spent a few weeks being absolutely horrible to my best friend, who had expressed romantic interest in me, because I was jealous over her having a female flatmate she also seemed to like? And the entire time just pulled out every little flaw about her I could think of and told her "this, this, and this are why I'm not interested" when actually I was just really jealous. I never told her. I never told her what was going on there. I just let her go once she couldn't deal with me any longer. I just let her go and sobbed over how horrible I was. And stole a chocolate bar she was saving for later just to be petty about it. Is that the kind of "let you know" you mean?
  20. She is worth it. She is worth a lot more than what I've been able to do. And rejection doesn't mean much when it follows hot on the heels of her sending me this song.
  21. I'm sick of abandoning people. I'm sick of discarding people literally every time they do anything I don't like, anything which isn't tailored specifically to my needs, all without giving a thought to what they need. I'm sick of convincing myself everyone is lying when they say positive things to me and that the truth is finally coming out when they say negative ones. I'm sick of having conversations like: "I want to help you." "Then why aren't you doing more to help?" "I'm sorry." "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place." "I was worried about you, I care about you." "You didn't do X when I needed or wanted you to, so obviously you don't care." I'm sick of everything being self-pity and mistrust with me.
  22. I am a girl. What makes you think otherwise? And I really don't have anything to say about the rest. I don't want friends, I'm too tired to focus on the words on a page, I don't really enjoy games, and I do watch movies occasionally but they don't accomplish much but passing the time. Besides, most of the stuff I like is stuff she also likes, so I just end up being reminded of her most of the time, which isn't exactly helpful.
  23. I already am that. I am that with literally everyone, except total strangers and her. Being that has gotten me permanently banned from MI support sites, because if I got close enough to anyone to consider them my friend I would immediately turn verbally abusive, even on public parts of the site.
  24. Reality is filled with contradictions. The answer is both. That's why I made this thread in the first place. When I tried to leave them they got incredibly upset, and now when I refuse to leave them they tell me it's annoying and bad, even creepy. And they continue to do that. They continue to say things like "Oh, yeah, I never want that to happen, that would make us way too uncomfortably close" and then seem really hurt when I respond "Oh, I guess I won't do that then". They continue to say "I want you to stay and the fact you're still here makes me happy" and then immediately stop talking to me altogether the next morning. They once even said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me and loved me very, very much and then promptly tossed their phone aside and left home without any warning, any goodbye, any way to reach them, and didn't come back until the next day. And by promptly I mean they were out the door within a few minutes. The message is coming through pretty clear. Leaving is wrong, staying is wrong. We shouldn't do either. So what should I do?
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