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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. It's not an available choice. If I thought it were the better option, I'd be going for it, but the information I've been provided with so far leans in favour of "don't fucking stalk people you asshole". So I'm not doing it, even though I'm really struggling to figure out what I should be doing here. Apparently, you're struggling, too. Maybe that helps you to understand why I had to ask for advice? Lol.
  2. Well, I'm more willing to break the law than to break my principles, so legality really isn't an important factor, here, for me. I mean, basing one's morality off of what is legal and what is not is for people at the fourth stage of moral reasoning. I like to think I've grown beyond that stage. Lol.
  3. I'm willing, but I honestly don't know how able I am either. I haven't even really been given the chance to try in a very long time, so. But it sounds like you're basically saying I don't have any options here, at all?
  4. Possibly. That's why I'm talking about it here instead of resorting to potentially criminal behaviour. But that also doesn't mean I'm leaving.
  5. Okay. Can we brainstorm for other options? And I have done the second. Last time this happened, I disappeared for a while, and it took a long time before we found each other again, though it seemed like both of us had been thinking of each other. Of course, I disappeared because I started to believe her when she said things were over. She was lying. She is always lying. I'm just not sure if leaving her a contact method and going quiet is the best move for her. I'm afraid that I'm going to be doing too much, or too little, regardless of what I do. I know she's the one who's
  6. How many times are you going to make me answer this question? I know what options aren't available. I don't know what the remaining options are. That's what I'm asking. You're just angry I'm not complying to your attempts to force me to take one of the options that isn't available. That doesn't fall on me.
  7. Her. She would basically tell me to leave then act devastated if I tried leaving. So I'm not leaving. Not even if she tells me to.
  8. Her, yes. Anyone who is attached to me or relies on me, more generally.
  9. With regard to what? I can't go through with the stalking because that's wrong. I can't die because that's wrong. I can't leave because that's wrong. I have been told all of these things are wrong. I have been told all of these things are things I should not do, that they will hurt people, so I can't do any of them. Over and over. But I don't know what options are left for me. As for insulting, that's because I don't take kindly to being repeatedly misgendered by cishet probably-white males, when my gender is literally listed right there, next to every post, and I
  10. No, the "advice" wasn't why I got insulting. But you, too, could stand to stop assuming you know more than you do about people and their motivations. Also, you probably shouldn't turn to insulting people while lecturing them about not insulting people. It's hypocritical.
  11. Why would I want to be a man about anything? And lol, as if you know anything about anyone's feelings. You've already demonstrated a profound inability to understand people's motivations, so please just stop.
  12. My needs? Really? So you're saying that when she said she needed me, when she said she wanted me to be there, when she said she wanted me to stay by her side, when she said we would be together until death, that was all about my needs? No, my needs were to be closer to someone. She holds me at a distance. My needs were to be able to rely on someone. She is hardly ever here when I really need someone. My needs were to have someone who would let me feel like it was okay to die, like I had finally earned the right to a peaceful death. She just tells me that dying is wrong. My needs? My
  13. Okay, seriously, this is getting irritating, so let's lay out some ground rules. I'm not leaving. I'm not letting go. Those options are off the table. I already know it's abusive and fucked up. I already know both parties in this relationship are and have been abusive and fucked up. In fact, that's why I'm not leaving. I understand exactly what's going on here, I can understand it and relate to it, and therefore I'm not going to just ditch them because sometimes they do bad things. Sometimes I do bad things too. I'm not going to hold that against them. The reason I created this
  14. but she said she needed me how am i supposed to leave someone when they say something like that how am i supposed to leave someone who's struggling through most days and would really like to just give up when they said they needed me i know what i'm doing is wrong but i can't just leave someone behind like that so what am i supposed to do am i lying to myself i'm probably lying to myself i probably don't have any positive intentions at all i'm probably just making excuses to hold on so why do i feel so scared of letting go why do i feel li
  15. That would mean that nearly everything that has ever gone wrong in my life is my fault and no one else's responsibility too. Even if that is true, it's a fact that I still need help and instead of asking for it I usually just push people away. It's still true that if someone says something off to me there's a good chance I'll slam the door on them immediately. And it's still true that I wish there would be someone who wouldn't just give up on me because I'm that difficult. I'm not prepared to watch someone who is hurt and scared and just leave them behind because they're not doing wh
  16. I already explained that. I don't want to abandon anyone. I don't want to leave anyone behind. I've always done that. I've always pushed people until they just can't handle it anymore and then left as if it was their fault. I'm tired of cutting people off when they didn't do anything wrong. I'm tired of making people feel like they have no choice but to give up on me when they really, really don't want to give up but just can't see any other way, anything more they can do. I hate that most of all. I hate the feeling of "there's nothing I can do" most of all. And I don't want anyone t
  17. Is it that unusual for someone to know something is wrong and do it anyway, then feel bad after? I thought that was just part of the human condition. I'm not getting any treatment right now because I can't get an appointment for any time soon. I'm not sure why you thought "healthy relationship" when I said "stalker" though. And lol, I don't want any relationships anyway.
  18. People don't always show their feelings, especially not directly.
  19. The same way I spent a few weeks being absolutely horrible to my best friend, who had expressed romantic interest in me, because I was jealous over her having a female flatmate she also seemed to like? And the entire time just pulled out every little flaw about her I could think of and told her "this, this, and this are why I'm not interested" when actually I was just really jealous. I never told her. I never told her what was going on there. I just let her go once she couldn't deal with me any longer. I just let her go and sobbed over how horrible I was. And stole a chocolate bar sh
  20. She is worth it. She is worth a lot more than what I've been able to do. And rejection doesn't mean much when it follows hot on the heels of her sending me this song.
  21. I'm sick of abandoning people. I'm sick of discarding people literally every time they do anything I don't like, anything which isn't tailored specifically to my needs, all without giving a thought to what they need. I'm sick of convincing myself everyone is lying when they say positive things to me and that the truth is finally coming out when they say negative ones. I'm sick of having conversations like: "I want to help you." "Then why aren't you doing more to help?" "I'm sorry." "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place." "I was worried about yo
  22. I am a girl. What makes you think otherwise? And I really don't have anything to say about the rest. I don't want friends, I'm too tired to focus on the words on a page, I don't really enjoy games, and I do watch movies occasionally but they don't accomplish much but passing the time. Besides, most of the stuff I like is stuff she also likes, so I just end up being reminded of her most of the time, which isn't exactly helpful.
  23. I already am that. I am that with literally everyone, except total strangers and her. Being that has gotten me permanently banned from MI support sites, because if I got close enough to anyone to consider them my friend I would immediately turn verbally abusive, even on public parts of the site.
  24. Reality is filled with contradictions. The answer is both. That's why I made this thread in the first place. When I tried to leave them they got incredibly upset, and now when I refuse to leave them they tell me it's annoying and bad, even creepy. And they continue to do that. They continue to say things like "Oh, yeah, I never want that to happen, that would make us way too uncomfortably close" and then seem really hurt when I respond "Oh, I guess I won't do that then". They continue to say "I want you to stay and the fact you're still here makes me happy" and then immediately stop talki
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