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Lexie

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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. if i cared less about others' feelings i think i would probably just go ahead and stalk without hesitation it's because i don't want to do anything wrong that i'm struggling if i erased or blunted the part of me who feels responsible for others' well-being there would be nothing to stop me, nothing to make me reconsider i'd be able to just hurt people and keep going how can you all teach that not caring is a good thing
  2. i'm not in the right but i don't want to be wrong and not care i'm afraid i'm wrong but you're wrong too, and i at least care about being wrong this way
  3. "Then the time for being sad is over, and you miss 'em like you miss no other, and being blue is better than being over it (over it)"
  4. "But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two."
  5. such treatment would make me a bad person, or an even worse one than i already am i'm sure it would so i won't let it happen i'd prefer to be dead than to be the kind of person who can hurt others and take no responsibility for it i wouldn't be surprised if the fire were my fault it sounds like something i'd do to express my pain and make people know i'm not okay i wouldn't be surprised if i had somehow manipulated events to make that happen
  6. if it isn't this hard that means i don't care and if i don't care that means whatever goes wrong is my fault because i should have done something and i don't care enough to
  7. I have been willing to sacrifice myself for their sake from the beginning...
  8. i don't care to be taken back i'd rather just die and get it over with but i'm afraid of hurting anyone the way i've been hurt, and watched others be hurt so many times
  9. i gave up on someone who said they didn't care about me at all... they could never care about me, or anyone else, at all, and then i just disappeared and when i came back apparently they had lots of scars related to me leaving and every time i express any positive interest in anyone else they distance themselves from me but insist no, they're absolutely not jealous, it's just totally a coincidence that they often happen to come back the moment i start to express negative sentiment toward the other person (again) do people really usually mean it are you sure because everything i've experienced in life seems to suggest the opposite that the last thing anyone really wants is to be left alone with nothing but themselves and their demons
  10. I mean, I don't feel good about it. But I feel even worse about the idea of giving up on someone. And not just for my own sake, but I feel like that's a really horrible thing to do. It's happened to me a lot and it always hurts. Like, "usually leads to a suicide attempt in short order" hurts. Actually, every suicide attempt I have ever made has had that as a trigger! Haha, how cool. (Though there were often other triggers.) But I also know I'm just a horrible person in general and, let's be honest, I don't deserve anyone. So it's not hard to imagine someone genuinely just wanting rid of me, telling me to leave them alone and meaning it 100%. But I'm afraid of that happening and them not really meaning it, because I know I've done that before. I know that happens. I know people regret saying things, doing things like that all the time, and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I made the wrong call there. But I'm starting to go into literally stalking someone for the second time and that's probably wrong, right? That's probably the wrong move, right? That's probably really bad and something I shouldn't ever do, right? So I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to end up making a mistake either way. I feel like I'm making a mistake no matter what path I choose. So what am I supposed to do? Does anyone here have any advice?
  11. I almost feel guilty when I say that though. Because I start thinking, what happens if these people find out I killed myself that day, or within the next few days, and they just left when I said I was fine. Some of them might not be that affected but some of them would probably be sort of kind of pretty fucked up by it?
  12. Even if they're concerned though what am I supposed to say? There's not anything that can be done about the things I know are wrong, and if there are more things wrong I don't know about then I can't very well relate those to them. It's such a weird question.
  13. Apparently I think three times in the past week people have asked me if I needed to go to a hospital, and not for mental illness reasons (for once) So apparently I look/act very unwell?
  14. Can I go one day without someone I barely know, if at all, coming up and asking me if I'm okay with a really concerned tone I can only say I'm fine so many times And it's hard when I have to choke back sobs to do it What do you even expect me to say to that question?
  15. "extraordinary" medications having side effects is not an extraordinary claim the fact that you consider such a mundane thing to be extraordinary proves you are coming from a position of entrenched bias or is it the persistence part that bothers you? in that case, would you like to go read about the persistent encephalopathy and cerebellar dysfunction which can be caused by lithium, or the permanent changes to GABA receptor density caused by binge drinking, or the nasty long-term memory deficits which sometimes follow neuroleptic malignant syndrome? or maybe the mild psychotic symptoms linked to certain general anaesthetics which are no longer so favoured as a result (ketamine, phencycladine)? or, oh dear, how about the evidence that long-term use of pain medications can lead to irreversible chronic pain upon discontinuation? jfc why am i giving you the time of day eta: and if you're about to say "then find more studies!" fuck you, i already gave you studies documenting the effect exists, you are just choosing to discard them because you don't like the claim being made
  16. "you're probably going to ask me to provide more sources now, right? and continuously find problems with any source i provide? classic i told you the risks, if you don't want to accept them then don't, but don't argue with me about it, because i'm done" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias
  17. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18173768 https://www.researchgate.net/publication/262926791_One_hundred_and_twenty_cases_of_enduring_sexual_dysfunction_following_treatment honestly it's like you people just refuse to accept that drugs which work by some mystical mechanism we don't really understand at all could possibly have unintentional side effects you're probably going to ask me to provide more sources now, right? and continuously find problems with any source i provide? classic i told you the risks, if you don't want to accept them then don't, but don't argue with me about it, because i'm done eta: also i'm transgender and had persistent side effects from taking dutasteride hoping for hair regrowth, lucky me but cycling gabapentin at a moderately high dose a couple times, each for a week, seems to have led to a recovery, somehow, or at least as near as i can figure that was the trigger for my recovery some weird epigenetic or endocrinological reset or something idfk
  18. if you're taking antidepressants, losing all feeling and drive is one of the most common and pernicious side effects also evidence suggests it can be permanent, even after discontinuing but such is life
  19. The idea that MI makes you think unrealistically is a nonstarter. Everyone thinks unrealistically to some degree or other. MI just indicates you're very unhappy, or other people are very unhappy, with what you think, whether it's realistic or not.
  20. From personal experience, getting your hopes up will just get you smashed back down again. It's better to keep your outlook realistic, isn't it?
  21. "if you do this you're giving incentive to bullies!" Victim. Blaming.
  22. Victim blaming. Nice, CB. Being assertive or aggressive won't work. I tried both of those for a long time when I was a child and all it did was make it worse. Being passive or passive-aggressive won't work either. Then they can just walk all over you and not care. Basically, you're fucked. Better get used to it. That's how people are.
  23. i don't exactly get this (feeling stares), but i have noticed that a lot of time when someone passes by me or i pass by them i sort of reflexively bow my head and look downward a few times people have commented on it and asked why or said i should hold my head up proudly or whatever, but i'm not doing it consciously so it's sort of hard to stop
  24. This pops up and we can't actually type a message, which is required. At least, it is this way for me and one other. I'm assuming it affects many or all users.
  25. More and more, day by day I guess this is the way it should have felt from the beginning, or closer to it I wonder if that's supposed to make me happy
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