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Everything posted by Lexie

  1. On estrogen and progesterone Which is so weird and like apparently not supposed to happen or whatever but I'm happy with it So happy I'm making a topic to talk about how happy
  2. Tdoc seemed to be trying to get rid of me but also has been making sure I get treatment etc. (even if she doesn't want to be the one doing it) Gdoc wanted to keep me as a patient but not actually meet or arrange for anyone to meet my treatment needs
  3. I mean like... everyone. And it seems like trying to go back to school, trying to trust people, trying to do the things that are important to me are all "too optimistic" (a couple of people have said those words). And I just saw a new gdoc but he didn't know what he was doing and wouldn't listen to me or help me so I didn't make a followup appointment.
  4. I don't mean literal time travel, but it's like I've somehow reverted to a past version of me, from a couple years ago I keep getting thoughts, feelings, memories from back then, and they feel new and fresh And conversely, everything that's happened since then, and the present itself, sort of feels unreal and out of place It's disorienting because I keep expecting to be able to do things and see people and such that I could back then, but I obviously can't since so much has changed Has this happened to anyone else? At least part of it seems to be dissociative, but is it all
  5. This is so weird It seems like everyone thinks I'm making all the wrong decisions lately, and always in the direction of too much optimism And meanwhile I feel completely hopeless pretty much all the time Why the mismatch?
  6. I usually think of trust as something that can be given and lost, but not really earned. Like... If I set out with my guard up then of course I'm going to find reasons to not trust people, because I'm looking for reasons not to trust them. Confirmation bias, self-fulfilling prophecies... Is that a mistake?
  7. what if I need to be able to prove that I'm not bad or untrustworthy ETA: No, more to the point-- What if I need to be able to feel rejected, and react with "You didn't do anything wrong. I still trust you. I still believe we can work together."
  8. I don't know what you mean? I know I can't give her professionalism, but I don't know how she can gain experience without getting it from working with clients? I may be missing something...?
  9. I know/agree with you on that, but I feel like if there's some specific issue she has, especially if it's related to inexperience and/or prejudice, then I can do something about that by working with her, and I should do something about that by working with her, or else I'll just be abandoning her. Which I'm not sure how much of that is like a projection or transference thing going on but regardless. I don't like being the one who gives up on good people just because they walk into the room with some baggage.
  10. Because I don't feel like she's a bad person.
  11. I haven't had a similar experience with a tdoc, but I did have an IP pdoc and social worker (aforementioned) who seemed to have much the same approach. Except that pdoc was actually a bitch about it whereas this tdoc seems to be a good person. But if it can happen more than once like that I'm not really hopeful about my chances of not encountering it again, at least while I'm in this region of the world. It might just be the prevailing attitude here, you know?
  12. Somehow that doesn't make me feel any less responsible. Actually, it might make me feel more responsible. As stubborn or unreasonable as that may be. (It's not as if I'm known for being easily deterred or convinced anyway.) ETA: Sorry, forgot to answer the first part. My ideal outcome would be finding a way for her to be more comfortable having me as a client without resorting to punishment/rejection/negative reinforcement to do it.
  13. It's more like if I don't fix it then it's like we went to a diner and were going to split the bill, then I didn't like how the conversation was going so I just left and stuck her with the bill? So I don't really want to raise any flags either... I'm making things difficult aren't I
  14. I know that on paper, but in practice I feel like it's my responsibility to figure out what went wrong and try to fix it.
  15. She's fully licensed and works with an agency. She is quite young and maybe fairly new I guess? And I don't think I could have really come off as functional, my attention span/working memory was next to nothing and I kept forgetting questions she asked halfway through answering them. I missed an appointment with a colleague of hers (who facilitates groups) last week because my memory failed me too.
  16. So does that mean you think it's the borderline thing? All I'd actually done this appointment before she kicked in with that was tell her I was doing fine/about as usual, and I'd been tired a lot and couldn't really remember most of the week. I did tell her, when she said the thing about me not needing her, that I'd been told pretty much the same thing by a psychiatrist and social worker IP the first time I saw them, immediately after I'd been admitted, just before they discharged me with no further explanation. And she was like "oh no I'm not trying to kick you out!"... and continued on
  17. But then it'd be like she was being passive-aggressive about it and like... why? And she didn't seem like the type to be hostile to a client either...
  18. This was my second time seeing this therapist, and last time was just paperwork, and the following is a summary of how it went, with quotes. She said "you don't have to be here" immediately after we covered how I was feeling and what I did all week. She commented "yeah, it really doesn't seem like you need me for anything" when I said I was in regular contact with someone she offered to call. Then she moved on to directly asking "why do you even come here?" And she announced "well we're running out of time" fifteen minutes before the scheduled time was up. And then she
  19. -11C (11F) Slight chance of snow, but nothing yet. Probably none for the next week or two. The wind is also very calm, so the chance of frostbite has gone down drastically compared to the other day.
  20. I used to have issues symmetry, both the bodily sensations kind and the "if I walk into this room with all the furniture not perfectly in line one more time I don't think I can live with you anymore" kind. I also had issues with physical checking, though it was tied into social anxiety for me--I would compulsively count and compare view numbers, comment numbers, numbers of likes, etc. online, and if mine were significantly lower than others' for any given content, time period, or whatever, it meant I'd done or said something horrible and now everyone hated me. These days I have more
  21. -20C (-3F) I am very glad I'm inside right now Even if it's honestly a bit too much on the warm side with all my layers still on...
  22. I know mostly how you feel. Just last month I think I was in basically the same place--but I actually went through with it. I was angry because no one was helping me and I thought it was because I didn't have insurance they could accept. I didn't even really want help when that happened, but I kept stewing on it and then when I did want help I was still so angry I was willing to do the wrong thing to force them to give it to me. I don't think it was necessary, and I do know I felt really guilty afterwards, and that now I'm ashamed of it and keep thinking up excuses, trying to convince mys
  23. I do find that I'm impressed with myself for it, lol. But no, it's OK. It's basically my fault. Even if they see me as extra crazy or dangerous because I tell them I am female despite having a penis at birth. Just something I'm going to have to get used to navigating around. Which is part of why I made this topic! To see if anyone else has tips on that.
  24. If they think I'm hostile they might try giving me depot haldol or something again Honestly not what I'm going for No matter how completely inappropriate the question
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