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Posts posted by protectmepls

  1. Hey, was contemplating buying one of these light things on Amazon (just search Light Therapy and you'll see what I'm talking about) but looking for personal anecdotes. I'm very isolated, I hardly ever leave my bedroom. I hardly see daylight. Have no real-life social interactions and limit interaction with family (parents were abusers) (older sister makes me feel guilty) (not much in common with second oldest sister and she's hardly ever home and have been distancing from youngest) 

  2. 8 minutes ago, WinterRosie said:


    I'm sorry that you're feeling so low right now. Did they do any sort of crisis plan with you so that you can work towards maybe feeling a little bit better? I can understand the regret of telling people, but I think that you did a good job in letting us know here.

    I want you to know that I've edited your post as we don't want to encourage anyone else by sharing our methods.

    I live in the UK so I asked if they could refer me to the system for a therapist one for eating disorder and another for other problems. They said they'll put in both referrals but said they don't know if I meet the criteria for an eating disorder therapist (which is confusing because I should). They said there is a long waiting period. There's nothing else they can really do. This whole thing put my diet and routine out of balance and I feel like I'm back where I started. I should stay away from the scale. Other then that, I'm trapped and drowning. Nothing else that can be done really. Medication options are slim to none. I'm so depressed it's hurting so bad. I can't even cry to communicate the pain or yell. I have no energy. I just feel suicidal and like harming myself, but what's the point? I can't even do that right and it will just set my diet and exercise routine out of balance. Hello, I am suffering. It hurts. I'm desperate for what? Nobody can fix this. A therapist isn't a magician. There's no fast fix. Just days of agony. 

  3. Two days ago I overdosed and nearly died, or as my mother says died and was revived, but she was hysterical so I don't know if it's true. I had an interview with a psychiatrist after, and they let me go home. I feel so depressed. I am in so much pain. It feels like someone is tying tight knots in my brain. I want to melt into my bed, into the darkness and disappear. 

    I wish I died. I wish I didn't tell anyone that I took the overdose. 



    7 hours ago, thunder said:

    Right now, it seems like going outside isn't what you want to be focused on. You've already made some changes to try to address the weight gain, which is excellent. While it might be useful to be able to challenge the idea that you can't go outside at your current weight, maybe something else will feel more manageable and enable you to start making progress.

    You say that you don't know what you would do if you were to go out right now. Maybe start there, so that when you are ready to consider going outside, you have some ideas of what to do and how to do it. 

    I don't know what goes into creating a clothing brand, but is there something you can do there on your own, from home? You also mention being interested in writing and psychology. Is there a reason you couldn't do an online course in one of those? This could potentially give you a start towards connecting with others in person when you are ready. For example, if you take a writing course, you could later look into whether there is a local writers group you could join. Maybe you'll find after taking a class that you want to continue studying a particular subject, which is great. Otherwise, you'll learn some new information and gain some insight into what does and doesn't interest you so you can try again with something new. 


    Thursday 14th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Friday 15th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Saturday 16th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Sunday 17th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Monday 18th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Tuesday 19th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Wednesday 20th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill



    Thursday 21st December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Friday 22nd December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Saturday 23rd December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Sunday 24th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Monday 25th December – 15 minutes weightlifting, 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Tuesday 26th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Wednesday 27th December – 15 minutes weightlifting, 30 minutes on the treadmill



    Thursday 28th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Friday 29th December – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Saturday 30th December – 15 minutes weightlifting, 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Sunday 31st December – 60 minutes on the treadmill

    Monday 1st January – 15 minutes weightlifting, 60 minutes on the treadmill

    Tuesday 2nd January – 60 minutes on the treadmill 

    Wednesday 3rd January – 20 minutes weightlifting, 60 minutes on the treadmill



    Thursday 4th January – 60 minutes on the treadmill

    Friday 5th January – 30 minutes weightlifting, 40 minutes on the treadmill

    Saturday 6th January – 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Sunday 7th January – 40 minutes on the treadmill

    Monday 8th January – 50 minutes weightlifting, 30 minutes on the treadmill

    Tuesday 9th January – 40 minutes on the treadmill

    Wednesday 10th January – 1 hour 5 minutes weightlifting, 30 minutes on the treadmill



    Thursday 11th January – 60 minutes on the treadmill

    Friday 12th January –

    Saturday 13th January –

    Sunday 14th January –

    Monday 15th January –

    Tuesday 16th January –

    Wednesday 17th January –





    Thursday 18th January –

    Friday 19th January –

    Saturday 20th January –

    Sunday 21st January –

    Monday 22nd January –

    Tuesday 23rd January –

    Wednesday 24th January –



    Thursday 25th January –

    Friday 26th January –

    Saturday 27th January –

    Sunday 29th January –

    Monday 30th January –

    Tuesday 31st January –

    Wednesday 1st February –



    Thursday 2nd February –

    Friday 3rd February –

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    Sunday 5th February –

    Monday 6th February –

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    Wednesday 8th February –












  5. Weeks of trouble falling asleep. Have been missing natural sunlight because winter and waking up at 4pm-5pm because I've been falling asleep at 4am-9am. Which antihistamine do you think would be better Doxylamine or Diphenhydramine or any other suggestions (except for Promethazine)? I have trouble falling and staying asleep. I'm combining the antihistamine with Trazadone for sleep. 

  6. Have I been misdiagnosed?

    No therapist

    Rotating on the same medications I've been on, despite depression never lifting. The psychiatrist is continually saying "what do YOU think we should prescribe?" like I'm an expert. Has made no assessment of his own, just used old reports from old psychiatrists. As soon as I say a few sentences "BPD. It's BPD" no extensive assessment. No regard for my eating disorder.

    My brain FEELS LIKE ITS GOING TO ERUPT. SUICIDAL. SO SUICIDAL. NO INPATIENT NO INPATIENT suggestions. No money for therapist. NHS long waiting list. I am doomed.

  7. On 09/01/2018 at 11:27 AM, Wooster said:

    Those are some solid statements! Nice work there.

    Do you see how being more specific starts to indicate ways to actually attack the problem(s) rather than avoid them because it's hopeless?

    It sounds like you're choosing not to go outside because you feel more lonely and afraid of other people's judgment. Also afraid that your emotional state and thoughts would become so overwhelming that  you'd be unable to cope effectively. It also sounds like you would feel uncertain about where to go or what to do with your time outside of the house.

    It's a lot easier to generate possible responses to test out (think running LOTS and LOTS of tiny experiments about "what happens if I do X?")

    If you were in the mood to generate some hypotheses, which one of those do you imagine you might be interested in poking at first?



    I'm fat and ugly right now and therefore I don't want to go outside and go outside itself will not cure those thoughts, reverse them or ease my depression. Especially when I am fat right now and ugly. And I will not embarrass myself. Thanks 

  8. 40 minutes ago, Wooster said:

    Just to gently challenge your thinking a bit, is it TRULY that you cannot go outside until June? Are you physically (not mentally or emotionally)stuck?

    or is it more the case that you prefer to not go outside because you fear others’ judgments?

    these are different challenges that require different types of solutions.

    if I understood you correctly, you feel unable to go outside until your body weighs less. And rather than challenge the limiting thoughts, your current plan is to focus on weight first.

    thats a perfectly fine plan, though I feel sad you feel so excruciatingly self conscious that you feel stuck inside.

    i wanted to point out that your language reflects a common unhelpful way of thinking wherein we mistake feelings for facts.

    I can go outside, except I have no friends and fear judgement. I'd have a nervous/emotional breakdown and become extremely paranoid. I also wouldn't know what to do.


  9. 6 minutes ago, Ion said:

    I think I would be worse if I didn't work (though getting to a point of being able to work full-time was a process). It has its own stressors, but overall I think it helps. It gives me something else to focus on and forces my body and brain to move

    I can't go outside until June (eating disorder) (recovering from the physical appearance changes from months of binge eating) so here I am stuck here.

  10. 8 hours ago, Ion said:

    I don't want to discourage anyone. Even with all the things I've done I still have more things to try. I really think that I can get to a place of actual remission if I stick with it , and I hope that you can, too

    Does remission even exist? I mean I'm starting to think that, this is all I know and will know for the rest of my life. 

  11. I come from a background where they disagree with medications. In fact, my parents say my medicine will permanently screw with my brain. They never ask this, but paramedics and police officers have. Also, whenever I self-harm and they're called to the scene the first question they ask is "are you bipolar or schizophrenic?" 

  12. Has anyone tried Memantine along with an antidepressant for treatment-resistant unipolar depression? MDD and dysthymia? I don't even know what kind of depression I have anymore. I also have heard Memantine is good for anxiety as well. 

    Has anyone tried this? What are your experiences? It sounds scary because it's a drug for Alzheimer's, so I'm afraid it might mess with my brain and damage it permanently or something of this nature.

  13. 7 minutes ago, orangey123 said:

    Valium was awful for me. The pdoc listed it as an allergy. It caused mania. Klonopin has always been great for me.

    I love Klonopin too. There is a lot of tapering and changing going on in your cocktail right now; it becomes harder to hone in on what is causing what. You're going to have to ride it out. I know you don't want to hear that and it's not much. Only thing I can think of is more Klonopin?

    • Thanks 1

  14. Klonopin has indications for treating Bipolar disorder and mania. It says the side effects are "aggression and agitation" I know a girl who has experienced the "aggression" side effect, but I believe this is related to the long-term use and dose you're on, but I'm not expert. 

    Make sure to use a benzo conversion chart to work out the difference in doses I believe 5mg of Valium is 0.5mg of Klonopin. 

    If you're having benzo withdrawals, then this could be the reason for most of your side effects. Some people don't like Klonopin. Why did your doc swap you to Klonopin? Valium is a long-lasting benzo too 

  15. What is the point of there being dozens of antidepressants with the same mechanism of action? What is the point of taking them if they never do anything, other than potentially sedate you or increase your appetite and make you gain weight? Does anyone feel less depressed on antidepressants? I've never experienced any noticeable good change. 

    I have depression. Melancholia. I wake up and want to disappear. I wait for the daylight to fade, even if my prolonged stay in the darkness makes me feel claustrophobic. 

    What is the point? I don't care about "life's journey", there is no journey, this isn't a story, there is nothing meaningful we are doing with our lives. I don't want to walk the path that every generation before me and after me will walk; is that life's journey? Life and existing aren't beautiful, and I don't think it's lovely that I need to take medication. I don't want to "create my path" and do "what I love." this is all crap; this is just ego wanting to be an artistic legacy. Everyone is a liar and spoon-fed ideas about your dreams coming true. 

    Why do we even exist? Don't care if there is a God; we just want a rewarding afterlife, and we fear death. I don't believe there is a God. I'm scared of dying too, that's why I'm living, but I'm barely living because I'm not engaging. Well, we are all an insignificant coincidence. What are we? From an aerial view, blurs that wake up at the same time every morning and go to bed at the same time every day, eat the same food, watch the same shows, read the same news, work, take medication to process life. It seems we all want to believe that we have a purpose and meaning in a world where none exists, it's packaged and marketed through our capitalist system and sold as your "life journey", "your goals" and "your dreams" did they ever come true? 

    Nothing interests me anymore. My old and animalistic emotions can offer some experience of smiling, laughter or pleasure but after that moment, the curtains draw, and an ugly reality is there. 

    I don't feel like me anymore. I don't feel like a human. I feel like any care I have at having a "life" is fading because I don't see REASON. Reason, there is no reason.

    More medication that just comes with side effects but never outweighs positive impact. All I've felt is an energy surge when I take Vyvanse and a sedation when I take Klonopin. But, that energy feels artificial. At least it does what it says. As for antidepressants, they are not "anti" anything. They are flat. 

    Call it what you may, but I find it funny when people are working all day and making money and trying so hard to fulfil something that is never going to be met. Sure brag about your ACHIEVEMENTS to your family and friends. You graduated, you make money. You did everything PERFECT. Aren't you happy and so proud and feel like such a good trooper? So INDEPENDENT and such a hard worker! All by yourself. Yet, sometimes I crave to be like this, maybe they are not feeling what I am feeling? It would certainly be easier to complain about a coffee or a report than this....

    Overall, I welcome death and if I died today I would not care. 

    • Like 1

  16. 43 minutes ago, Brain zaps said:

    I think you sound like you are putting some good practices into action....you  want to lose weight and you are already putting  some action in  place to do this... sounds like good goal setting to me. Can you not get support through the nhs? Just wondering why you have to go private for the therapy? 

     A lot of our negative thinking IS (sorry i know it’s obvious) in our heads, becuase our depression makes us just think shit all the time. So everytime you Spiral down the disgusted with yourself thoughts, try if you can Tom remind yourself ..this is the Depression talking, and I’m making steps to get out of it.


    it amazes me what we toroture ourselves with, ... i too get disgusted with myself...

    my reasons? Not physical, but one reason from a few is I feel i haven’t acheived a career...and now it’s too late...i feel very shamed of this, and my thoughts spiral into self disgust. Just wanted to share that we can spiral on down about all sorts of things. You are still very young and you do have a journey to walk that can lead you to a life you want, it takes time, and patience with yourself, and not to compare yourself with anyone, especially people who don’t have any type or understanding of a mental illness. 


    Please take care 


    I will cancel my sessions with her and apply for therapy via the NHS again. 

    I am in the same boat as you with careers. I think the more we define careers as being "journeys to a life" the more depressed we get when we think about "success" and "failure" what are these terms? We beat ourselves up because we don't have a job because of the way society has made us think about jobs, self-worth, and purpose. I'm not expert but I think a job isn't a path to finding yourself or getting a life. I think you just feel good because other humans finally stop seeing you as an inferior, lazy human being because of our conditioning and I think a job is vital to stay alive. Doing something you love is difficult in this world... I think doing something I love would make me happier and make it feel less like a job. 

    I'm not lazy, I could go and work retail or cleaning tables and serving food, but how would that make my depression any better? 

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