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About Darthnox

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    Cape Town South Africa
  • Interests
    gaming, racing cars, sleeping oh and eating

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  1. "Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul" Saw the above quote earlier today after my appointment with my Pdoc. Going in everything was "ok" as usual I started of the conversation friendly and polite showing interest in how she was doing since I last saw her, "things are going good" she said. As usual I start of with telling her about the last two weeks I had, some exiting news that my grandparents are going away to my uncle for a while so I will have the house to myself (it's been though since I took them in off the street my grandfather has dementia so very demanding taking care of him) jokingly I tell her I can finally walk around the house in my undies, she burst out laughing "but that's me always the jokester trying to hide my constant relentless fight with life and death". "I wanted to take my life last week" I said to her, her smile disappeared and she looked at me calmly and said "tell me what happened last week?", the silence lasted for what seemed to be an eternity....... I left her office promising to not hurt myself but I know I was lying to her you see I'm a master at deception, lying about my demons is second nature its my defense against people feeling sorry for me always asking "are you alright" or "do you want to talk about it" now I understand they mean well but will they ever really understand what I'm telling them? can you feel my pain? The answer is no, no one can. In our minds and feelings we are truly alone, no one can feel your feelings or begin to understand the complexity of your mind. My last suicide plan failed blowing out my brains is no longer an option as my Pdoc made sure the firearm we have in the house is locked away. I know where it is but I don't have the combination of the safe nor the key, It's a closely guarded secret by my girlfriend and grandmother. But I mean there are a lot of other ways right? My second choice would be hanging, not something taken away that easily. I also thought of taking a lot of pills, I have Myasthenia and if I stop taking my pills for awhile I would become weak again and struggle to breath and if I take all the sleeping pills hopefully I'll stop breathing all together. Now let me address those that will try and talk me out of it, I'm at an dead end and I'm tired of constantly fighting to feel a slither of happiness just to be swallowed up by the reminder that death is the only way out. For four years I have fought this battle I have tried my best and I can truly say I gave it my all. But here we are again the same seesaw up and down like walking a road that always ends up in the same place, despair and torture is all I have to look forward to for this is the only constant where my road leads, no matter the direction I take to get away it always comes back to my old friend death waiting for me at the end. I'm not going to take my life tonight but the reality of what must be done is more clear to me now and I have made my peace, even everyone that ends up hurting because of my suicide I have accepted that there is no stopping that. I do feel guilty but no one understands the voice in my head I'm sure this is what I want it's the only way to make it just stop. My Pdoc asked me to just wait before I make a decision, I agreed as always but it was a lie... always lying. "Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul"
  2. and now i got a phone call from my grand mother i have to take them in from end of April, my uncle has been retrenched and can no longer provide for them and they have no where to go
  3. Depression hitting me hard today just feel helpless when this shit comes around life is so fucked up i hate myself for feeling things that i know is wrong but feels so right why must it be this way I feel so alone no one relay knows me knows what go's on in my messed up fucked up little mind wish i could just end it all,trying hard to resist the temptation and I'm just sitting here like nothing is wrong just smile and wave but so alone inside so alone
  4. thanks for the reply seems I'm looking for love in the wrong places
  5. So I went to see my pdoc today finally, and we had discussed some things and I realized that I feel very alone. I'm close to no one, I trust no one net oven my partner the only one I fully trust his her (my pdoc) other than her I have no one in my life that i feel close too. But she is my doc and I'm her patient and it can never be more than that I just feel confused. Some input will be appreciated
  6. well with me if we are talking about going bat shit crazy it has been 2 and a half years since then but if we talking just a little crazy about once every 4 to 5 months and it will last anywhere from a week to a month
  7. I'm just really bummed out that I cant see her today she is not feeling well so it means another week of waiting, had so many things i wanted to talk about today just feel really shitty now. Seeing my doc is like the high light of my month, intrusive thoughts are a fucking bitch why would I be thinking about suicide about something as trivial as this? what the fuck is wrong with me!!
  8. @saintalto It's really difficult for me to realize when I get delusional because at the time it makes complete sense what I'm thinking and doing, but sometimes I will catch on for a moment but then get lost in the delusion again before I even realize it. sorry for not being of much help
  9. Hi before I was diagnosed I also kept everything inside never ever talked about anything, going as far as alienating people around me locking myself away and avoid talking to anyone, but It got to the point where I had my suicide planed out made the preparations and that day after work I was going to end myself I got in contact with my loved ones talked to them to sort of say goodbye in my own way but when the time came i decided that I would try one more time to fix myself. The next day I made an appointment buy an psychologist lucky she was open the following morning and she revered me to a psychiatrist she phoned her and I got an appointment the day after where I spent 2 hours explaining everything that had happened, I was completely honest with this one person, I needed to trust someone or I will end up taking my life, I made the promise to never lie to her and be completely honest about everything. It's now 2 years later and I haven't regretted anything about trusting that one person with all me deepest darkest secrets
  10. Hi MiaB that's so cool meeting another capetonian on here, I dident think anyone from SA knew about this site!! I am currently on meds 250mg Epitec 1mg Zoxadon and 15mg Cipralex this is my magic cocktail after many failed attempts and dosages. I have been taking my meds religiously as always so I know its not that I skipped or something, as for my doctor I do remember her mentioning help from other doctors but wasn't paying attention, I have sent her an email to find out as I'm only seeing her on the 25th, If I cant get help I'll just ride it out, now that I'm more aware of what I'm doing hopefully I can keep my butt out of trouble and anyway I got you guys here to talk if i need someone
  11. I think I might be having symptoms of mania and its stressing me out!! I have been buying a lot of stuff in the last 2 weeks I have spent probably $2000, and just now i almost bought a fucking car of $20000 luckily I diden't have the deposit, but at that moment it just dawned on me I might be manic. I'm not sure I don't feel overly happy or sad I don't think I'm delusional. I don't think I'm having strange thoughts I don't know and my doctor is only back later this month
  12. I Lold a bit at that thanks but I'm feeling better now, in the end its just a game but was pretty shocking
  13. Well for me its about wanting a connection with someone, i love my partner very much but she doesn't know what its like for me and i feel alone I know she tries hard and I hate myself for things I think about and have done but I cant help it. It kills me inside i know she loves me and tries her best but still its not emotionally enough for me. *edit* Coming back to this after a couple of hours I realize I was a bit emotional when writing this replay, but I'm not going to take down what i previously said because that is my true feelings but i want to add that things get better but its all about how hard you try not to be that person, I have done shit in the past but its a battle every day to keep my shit in order. My partner makes me happy even though she doesn't always understand me, god knows I dont so how could she possibly. That being said I hope you find a way to deal with your troubles, sorry for not being of any help and just rambling on your post
  14. Hi guys this will be my first time making a post, but I wanted to talk about this game I recently played. Some might know it and I would like to know your take on the howl thing.... this game messed me up bad I knew what it was about but I dident think it would effect me this much I just cant get it out of my head. For the past 2 days I have been obsessing about it, SPOILER ALERT! if you decide to play it for yourself but I wouldn't suggest it I thought I could handle it I have been stable now for 6 months taking my meds every day but guess I just not made for shit like that. Basically its about these 4 girls one is your best friend from when you where little named Sayori and the other 3 are Monica the club president, Yuri the quite strange girl and then Natsuki the cute girl trying to hide behind a though guy personality. Now the game starts all innocent and shit with you trying to impress the girl you want to romance with writing them poems that thy might like, but and this is where it gets dark Sayori ends up hanging her self no matter what dialog you choose all options lead to her committing suicide she suffers from depression and cant deal with here feelings but what bothers me most is that there is nothing you can do to save her, after a while you get invested with these characters and it hit me hard be cause you discover her no warning just BAM! in your face. Then the girl Yuri she cuts herself and end up stabbing herself to death in front of you because her OCD and cutting gets so bad she doesn't know what to do anymore once again no option to help or save her. Natsuki gets abused by her father and always acts cute but hiding under a harsh and hard exterior she doesn't end up killing herself though but she gets deleted from the game file by Monica. And this is the twist there is never one on one dialogue with Monica and she gets jealous and starts making the other characters mental health issues worse until they end up killing them self so she will be the only one left and you will have to talk to her, but you end up having to kill here by deleting her game file and she dies but before that she restores all the other girls so you can be happy because she loves you. So you start a new game and all seems normal and well, with only Sayori, Yuri and Natsuki in the game now you play till the first scene and its starts again with Sayori doing the same as Monica, but she gets stopped by what remains of Monica and she deletes the entire game saying that they can never be happy and this is the only way and she loves you and plays an love song for you she wrote on the piano, after that the game is corrupt and you can no longer play it. This messed me up so much and it probably sounds like I'm a weeb but yea just as a disclaimer the creator does have warnings all over the place for people not to play this game if you are sensitive or suffer from mental health issues but i chose to ignore it and ended up regretting it. If you know the game please share your feelings I would like to know thanks Darth out
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