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About abitcrazy

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    Grand Poobah of the Crazies

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    Getting uncrazy.

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  1. Well, for the first time I voluntarily admitted myself to a psych ward (not really much of a choice, considering the other option I was given!). What I'm worried about is that I'm currently looking for a new job and am concerned that a potential employer will somehow be able to ferret out this info. Should I be worried or not? abitcrazy
  2. Hey fellow BPers, Just wanted to ask for your prayers (if applicable to you), positive thoughts, or whatever for my current situation. I was let go from my job a few months ago because of budget cuts, our savings are almost gone, we'll probably lose our house, no strong job prospects, etc. My pdoc is trying to help, but I feel myself slipping into a "flaming death spiral" here. The depression, anxiety, and fear grows more each day. My sleep schedule is entirely f*cked, I have no motivation to job hunt, and starting to have some disturbing thoughts. Please don't tell me to self-admit myself to a psych ward - not going to happen. Anyway, just wanted to vent to my fellow crazies who might be able to empathize. Thanks for listening. abitcrazy
  3. I just lost my job, due to budget cuts at my employer. I had worked there 1 year; prior to that I had been unemployed for over a year and had exhausted all our savings to stay afloat. So here I am, trying to support my family with little severance, the inability to get unemployment (due to severance), and no source of income. We'll probably lose our house. Life sucks beyond comprehension. I'm experiencing intense irritability and what can accurately be called rage. I know enough about my condition to not lash out at the people around me and realize this is my brain screwing with me. I'm guessing it's actually mania, not just frustration with the situation. The feelings are the same as when I get manic. I'm actually not experiencing rage towards my former employer. I think the situation is just a trigger. Aside from talking with my pdoc, ideas on how to deal with this? abitcrazy (OK, more than a bit right now!)
  4. Very, from the studies have perused. Now I find that I want to use some form of drugs to get an "artificial mania". I've successfully weaned myself off alcohol and opium and have no desire to get hooked on anything else which will ruin my life and the lives of those around me. Nevertheless, the "thirst" is still there. abitcrazy
  5. Like others have said, nothing really triggered the illness; I'm sure I've been BP in some form or another my whole life. However, I can identify a specific event that triggered the beginning of serious symptoms, which led to a "flaming death spiral" and eventual diagnosis. That event was a huge organization-wide project at work - the hardest thing I've ever done in my professional career. It was my responsibility to haul it out of the toilet after two failed attempts and successfully complete it. Nine months later, utilizing 140 assorted full-time staff and contractors, we completed the project. It was the proudest moment in my career. It was also the beginning of BP hell. abitcrazy
  6. I know I should probably don my flame-resistant suit, but here goes anyway. I'm on Lamictal for mood stabilization, but I desperately miss the hypomanic creativity, energy, love of music, etc. I feel blunted and dulled. My pdoc has told me it's simply something I'm going to have to get used to. Of late, I've been skipping my daily Lamictal dose to change this situation, but for no more than a couple days at a time. It actually has worked, with limited success. BTW, just decreasing my dosage does not produce the same effect. So here's the disclaimer. I AM NOT ADVOCATING DOING THIS! I fully realize that I'm playing with fire here. I'm running a huge risk, but like everything else in life, it's a risk-return tradeoff. For now, the return has been worth it. So, aside from whether you think I'm an idiot for doing this, I'm wondering how many others have skipped meds for this reason? - abitcrazy
  7. Yes, it is possible, at least in my case. Lamictal alone has done the job, with a little help from Klonopin as needed. Lexapro, which I started first made things much worse, but as another poster stated, YMMV. - abitcrazy
  8. A suggestion for those who like to target shoot, but don't trust themselves to possess a firearm in a moment of crazy. Most indoor ranges will store your firearm at a nominal fee. This might stop some impulsive harmful action, but not necessarily a calculated plan to harm oneself or others. Another even safer option would be to simply rent guns at the range when you want to go target shooting. abitcrazy
  9. Savannah, I actually work for a state food bank. A good place to start is this site. Feeding America is the largest network of food banks in the US. http://feedingamerica.org/foodbank-results.aspx The site will also tell you what programs/services each food bank offers. I would contact them, because they usually have multiple programs. If you don't qualify for one, you might qualify for others. They can also help you apply for govt assistance and explain the requirements. In addition, they can expedite and help you complete the application process. Good luck getting the assistance you need. Trust me, there are organizations out there who can help! abitcrazy
  10. OK, this is a bit scary. It makes me sound like an egomaniac. Oh well, perhaps I'm a bit of a control freak after all. 1.Strategic 2.Focus 3.Belief 4.Self-Assurance 5.Command - abitcrazy
  11. Amen to the withdrawal pains. Yes, the energy is coming back - in jumps as I was weaning of the opium - but more slowly now. Thanks for the encouragement from your own story! abitcrazy
  12. I know it's been almost a year, but I thought I'd resurrect this thread to let you know that I'm FINALLY totally off the opium! That last 10% was a b*tch to kick. The withdrawal symptoms kicked my butt. I'm getting more energy, which is really nice, and I don't spend time obsessing about whether I have enough opium to last me for a while. I know it's been said ad nauseam, but don't do opium -- the withdrawals will make you wish someone would just shoot you. abitcrazy (and clean)
  13. The whole situation is tragic. As the parent of two children, it makes me very sad for the parents and family members. Aside from the whole gun issue (I don't want to get into that here), the mental health mandate is obvious. I'm not sure if you know this, but the typical gun purchase background check asks whether the buyer has ever been hospitalized for a period of time due to some form of MI. Besides the potential of the person to lie, what about all of us who have never been hospitalized but still might pose a threat? I'd hazard a guess that the number of these individuals may be much greater than anyone might think. I believe that the shock to the average citizen from such an act revolves around the lack of control and inability to spot potential perpetrators . It engenders fear and a feeling of helplessness. The truth is that we'll never be able to spot those prone to these acts with a high degree of reliability. That's scary for everyone, but unfortunately it is the nature of things. While I applaud the focus on MI causes, which is long overdue, I do worry about the stigmatizing of those with MI due to this situation. Perhaps I'm worrying needlessly, but when those with MI begin to be labeled as "dangerous", we may all be grouped in with those who truly are dangerous to others. Are BP individuals dangerous? How about those with some form of psychosis? People who suffer from dissociative disorders? I hope you see where I'm going... abitcrazy
  14. I've had a bit of the same problem with the "suicide is selfish" concept. On the one hand, I understand that what it does to your family and loved ones is hurtful, and that in committing suicide you are putting your own needs over their pain. On the other hand, who says that the pain you experience isn't greater than all the cumulative pain they would experience from your suicide? If that's the case, they are actually being selfish. I also have an issue with using the term selfish. To me it implies some sort of active decision where you say to yourself, "my needs come before others' needs". I don't think that is what goes through the head of someone before trying to commit suicide (speaking from experience). Yes, they are focused on their own pain and want to end it, but it's not a comparative issue. All that being said, I would never advocate suicide. Selfishness aside, it truly does cause pain to others. It also fails to consider the distinct possibility that things will improve. When seriously considering suicide, someone is looking through "past and present" glasses, not "future" glasses. Then there is the whole "what lies beyond life" issue. What if being dead and the afterlife is actually worse than what you have now? Not saying it is, but it's something that bears consideration. I know that all this is somewhat academic when the pain is overwhelming, but it is an interesting question. abitcrazy
  15. Like others have said, and as I've experienced, the speech/language issues seem to mellow out after being on Lamictal for a while. Hang in there - there's a good chance it will improve. abitcrazy
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