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crowduck

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  1. Since I am not, and actually never have been delusional by clinical standards, and I did not suddenly develop severe psychosis/mood swings/anxiety after having to quit risperdal suddenly last December, I am pretty sure my only correct Dxes are ASD Level 1 and Non-verbal learning disorder (due to a severe gap between Verbal IQ and non-verbal IQ). My current Dxes are bipolar 2, GAD, major depression with psychotic features, and PMDD (I think this is actually mis-dxed endometriosis due to the severe physical pain and extremely heavy periods I had from age 12 to 15, and the BC pill stopped the progression) due to my folks convincing p-docs all my life that I am a holy terror at home. Being told every day I am crazy and need to take my meds from age 5 convinced me I was "crazy" and "crazy" meant disagreeing with mom and dad, so Parents beliefs = Sane and my beliefs = crazy. I did not have a separate identity from my parents until December 2015, and I am still in the process of determining who I am while my parents pathologize every word I say that is not in complete agreement with them. MEDS 400 mg Lamictal mood stabilizer I don't need Is making my hair fall out. 600 mg extended release Lithium another mood stabilizer I don't need, gave me horrific acne and kidney failure at 900 mgs age 10-20, now I have severe acne scarring and very fragile kidneys. Synthroid 100 mgs - this is so fucked up in so many ways: no one EVER TOLD MY pdoc I had untreated Hashimotos thyroiditis hypothyroidism from mono when I was 12, nor did they ever seek a second opinion about my treatment options. All my endocrinologists have said there was no reason for me to not have received thyroid replacement, and my p-doc admitted a few months ago that if she had known, she would have put me on synthroid because the severe hypothyroidism was probably making my "mental illnesses" and puberty mood-swings worse. Not that I actually had "mental illness." I had "Shitty Parents Who Control Their Kid With Meds Instead Of Being Decent Human Beings" Syndrome Celexa 15 mg - anxiety. does nothing because my parents are the source, not GAD. Possibly makes me irritable, which I can't afford to be . Going to titrate down and see if I can be a better sycophant.
  2. I have volunteered a lot in the past, mostly with local autistic advocacy groups, but there are now multiple schisms in the community involving the different therapeutic models, the DSM-5 changes, person first language, employment, education, independence, etc. It's complicated because if you've met one person with autism...you've met one person with autism. Now my idea of volunteering includes moving to Australia to rehabilitate bats after getting the necessary education (might end up being a career if that's an important enough job to get citizenship, who knows), and working with at least one of the many local LGBTQ groups. However... My folks hate australia, think I will get Ebola if I work with bats, and I will come home from the LGBTQ organization headquarters a radical liberal and in a poly relationship. I am bisexual and when I came out last year, they were like, 'ok.' and went on back to their iPads. They act like they are saints because they didn't call me a F**. I'm like, you guys don't get a cookie for being decent human beings and not rejecting your child. Saying "okay" and going back to your iPad is the bare minimum. TL:DR I've just recently begun to develop my own identity and I've discovered I am very different from my parents. And they are scared shitless because I am no longer their little sycophant.
  3. Generally yes and the degree varies greatly depending on the field, gender ratio, location, demographics, etc. Regardless of worker protections (assuming there are worker protection polices in place and they are enforced) in many workplaces there is some sort of unofficial peer pressure NOT to report - mostly conveyed in nonverbal and/or "coded" language that is hard to take to HR...
  4. Been this way since i was a kid, back then 90% of it was my dad. They don't deliberately power trip. For example, my Dad lashes out because he thinks any criticism of his behavior is an attack on his identity and self-worth. Luckily for all of us he can separate his identity from his work performance so he doesn't have any problems at work. I can empathize now with him - his baby girl had the moral compass of a grown-ass adult and was criticizing him when he (in his own mind) had never done anything wrong or mean to deserve her wrath. I say wrath because I wasn't just annoyed, I was furious. Mom could see it back then as an unusually precocious commitment to fairness about stuff that adults cared about, but kids aren't supposed to talk back to their parents and other authority figures, let alone yell at them when said authority figure is being a stupid asshat. Employees aren't supposed to even correct their bosses, and going to HR involves a significant amount of tact and diplomacy. Not much was known about autism then, and I am female-assigned-at birth, non-binary (they don't get that but they are okay with it) and back then there was no such thing as Aspie girls. I was just spoiled and precocious and by the way, there's a pill for that. Now I'm working with my t-doc to accept the reality that I am SOL with meds and my home life is toxic to my mental health, and also learn how to keep my mouth shut when the odds are not in my favor. Mom is brain-damaged now and it's become clear that Dad's problems are so ingrained there is very little hope he could ever relate to people in a healthy way. Mom has almost no short or long-term memory, so she can't remember any conversations anyone has ever had. She has rewritten 95% of my childhood to "crow duck had behavior problems for no reason and the meds kept her from ruining her future." She also can't remember conversations.
  5. It's not fair. It's not fair that my situation isn't fair...ugh. Life isn't fair. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION?! I'M GOING TO THE PUB - dammit, I can't drink! Wait, that's an idiom. Or is it a metaphor? Shit, now I have a headache. Life isn't fair, but that doesn't give people the right to be assholes. And yet there are assholes everywhere I turn. Corruption, hypocrisy, deception, denial, manipulation, crime, the list goes on. These very wrong, very unfair acts don't bother them. My family, my neighbors, most of my entire neighborhood, the city council, and that's just in my little city! HULK SMASH! I've recently figured out unfairness is at least one cause of my GAD and anger problems. By unfairness, I don't mean yelling "that's not fair!" to your parents for grounding you all weekend as punishment for the viral YouTube video of you feeding your toddler brother worms and telling him they're noodles. I never did that, but I got grounded a lot for pointing out my parents were criticizing me about behavior they also exhibited and did nothing to fix. When you're five and know what hypocrisy is and have no qualms about telling it like it is...ugh. I wished I'd learned to shut up earlier. Would have given me a few more years before I had to start meds. Learning to shut up without meds would have saved me the trouble of groveling to a Lenin-Stalin fangirl sociology professor so she wouldn't report me to the dean and push for my expulsion after I pointed out very bluntly that Lenin's revolution involved murdering a bunch of people just because they were rich, and Stalin also murdered a bunch of people and partnered with the Allies only when Hitler threatened the Soviet Union. So, I'm talking about social problems outside your control that are inherently unfair across society, from family all the way to the entire Earth. Things people around you can just shrug off and say, "that's just the way it is," while you shake inside because you don't want to live on this horrible planet with horrible people you can't change. Does this sound familiar?
  6. According to my mom, I need to update my medical records religion preference to "Catholic" instead of "no religion" because she believes nurses and doctors will treat me poorly if I'm ever in a medical scenario that would involve religion if I don't officially have one because...well, I don't know why. I do find comfort that in the notion that a Creator-God made me the way I am instead of being a random blob of energy that will just take on another form when I expire, because energy cannot be created nor destroyed. I can't put that on a form, and even if I could I don't think it would help. I like Catholic art, so I would definitely change my religion preference to Catholic if a priest could get Michelangelo to my hospital room so we could talk about art history during my last living moments.
  7. No problem I'll be more careful in the future. Also, how to you put a signature at the bottom of each post?
  8. I get all the bad side effects AND effects that are the exact opposite of what the label says the med can cause. P-doc says it's paradoxical effects, she's just never seen anyone (and she's been in the business for 30+ years) with my kind of severity. I keep a journal of side effects and 'weird stuff that isn't necessarily bad and might be good", like suddenly being able to mentally re-watch every episode of every TV show I've ever seen and having a severely decreased tolerance for spicy food. The journal has saved my ass because my p-doc realized early on that certain groups/classes of drugs were potentially dangerous for me and I shouldn't take them unless I totally ran out of options. Assuming your thyroid has been stable for a few years, if your thyroid dose went up shortly before the weight loss, then it's probably your thyroid working better. According to several years of blood tests, my thyroid functioning has correlated with all weight gain AND weight loss no matter what drugs I am on. If not, it's the Lamictal. If this continues to be a pattern with other drugs, you may be prone to paradoxical effects. Talk to your p-doc as it will affect what meds you can and can't tolerate later.
  9. Definitely, but some of the best jokes are purely accidental and/or rely on other people knowing us VERY well. For example, I saw a movie with my Aspie boyfriend in high school. There was a trailer for The Omen on 6-6-06 (another reference I didn't understand). The trailer didn't have a voiceover pronouncing "Omen." Being raised non-religious, I did not know how Omen was pronounced, and I assumed the concept was somehow related to "Amen," a word I knew how to pronounce. Me: *whispers* "What's the Amen?" BF: "It's a stupid movie." My BF was raised Catholic, and we are still good friends over a decade later and laugh about this.
  10. I should have put my list of pre-planned responses (i.e, stuff I don't believe it but pretend to in order to prevent conflict) in list format, now that I see the big block of test I can see where it gets confusing. The thing is I have to agree verbally with their racist and intolerant beliefs (although oddly they are not homophobic) otherwise they think I am ignoring them or sulking. At least they generally have enough sense to not voice their bigotry in public.
  11. My folks believe this and I have to agree with them otherwise I get yelled at. It's my way of keeping the peace. Sorry I didn't make this clear.
  12. I'm really sorry to hear that. My folks are abusive due to brain damage and PTSD, and they have treated me like a child ever since my Risperdal ceased to be an option and I immediately realized their BS. Took me a while to realize their brain damage meant they automatically rewrote history and are fundamentally unable to realize they are abusive. They have told me that any thought that is not, "my parents are on my side and have never hurt me" is a delusion and if I don't stop arguing (I'm calling them out on their BS) they will put me back on the Risperdal. They would rather me be drooling and leaking milk than pointing out their BS and stating my desire to be independent without their help. I made a pre-planned list of my responses to the crap they're doing. I have stuff like "set timers for the laundry" and "don't talk about politics, economics, and if parents bring it up I am pro-Trump, pro-life, Libertarian, hate Islam, capitalism is the only way, privilege and cultural appropriation don't exist, black and brown people are biologically less intelligent than whites, all Asians are communist, etc." and "don't ask people to clean their dishes, get their clothes out of the laundry room, bring clothes hangers, etc" and "if parents say BS don't call them out, it doesn't work and they are brain damaged so they will just get mad." It sucks, but swallowing your pride and realizing they are the morons, not you and you are stronger than they think you are is the key.
  13. I am crowduck. I am mildly autistic with GAD, a strong sense of right and wrong, and a very hot temper in regards to wrong things. I have two physically and emotionally abusive, brain damaged parents and a wonderful little brother who I love more than life itself. After 25 years of drug cocktails that helped calm my temper and GAD by leaving me in zombie land (wasn't the worst, I was able to go to college, swim competitively, and even convince the stupid city council to not be so Scrooge-ish.) I have two pharma drugs left due 25 years of severe side effects to everything else - Lamictal and Lithium. I am losing my hair and my kidneys are in Stage 1 failure. It's weed or bust, and I need your help! I need to escape my family too, any advice on quietly gaining income when they have complete access to my bank accounts and won't let me drive would be great. I can give advice too. Thanks and I'll see you around!
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