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Everything posted by cottonzilla

  1. Hello Cryinginmoscow! Thanks, yes I agree it shouldn't be such fear mongering with the meds. The main point is that if the meds help then why not. I felt a bit loopy after sending this thread so I took the text away lol... sorry for that... it happens alot to me that I write online and then take it away because of worrying. Seems my whole thinking is colored with anxiety and it distorts the reality. Lamotrigine I have thought of, I had it long ago and otherwise liked it except that it caused insomnia. Wonder if there are any ways to take that side effect away.
  2. Hello! Sorry I had to take the message away because I felt like that it could affect people. Thanks!
  3. Hi! I thought of asking you guys... I have past scars on my right arm and one burn mark on my hand, and sometimes it bugs me. Is there anything I can do to fade the burn mark? it's 1,2cm wide and it reminds me of the burning a couple of years ago. I know this is just an aesthetic issue, but still the reminder bugs me... will it fade over time? I would like to smoothen the edges so it might be less visible. Any thoughts or ideas? Thank you!!
  4. Thanks! I went to my pdoc and it was a good visit. I might get a head scan again soon, just to rule out things. I have visited many many doctors throughout these years, but they mostly shrug and say sorry can't help. At least some of them are honest and say that we don't know that much about brain and neurology after all. I got Desyrel for sleep and will try it soon. The thing is, when I tell all my symptoms, the doc gets confused...so I have to go with clear intention. But it's difficult not to show the whole spectrum. Hopefully I find something. :-)
  5. Thank you for your replies! I'll try to find a way to explain this all to my doc, but it feels difficult because there are too many possibilities and mechanisms, and it's all guessing with all the unspecific symptoms. Who really knows? I do get alot of headaches, and feel I have migraine-like symptoms.
  6. Thanks Melissaw72. I have seen two neurologists and they didn't say anything concrete, said it doesn't look like any known neurological syndrome, and put it under the umbrella of depression. But I believe it has some components or mechanisms that are not seen, and I feel I have excitotoxicity in brain, some kind of low-grade inflammation maybe? Researchers also say that depression is/causes inflammation. I have been trying to explain these to pdocs but they don't really listen to me. I am too atypical case. I would be happy to find a solution to these nervous system issues.
  7. I always wonder which area I should write in, because I feel I belong to them all at once and find it hard to choose. I have terrible squeezy feeling in brain and loud tinnitus, sympatic nervous system overactivity, dilated pupils, "brain on fire", exploding feeling in head, insomnia, agitation, panic attacks, depersonalization/derealization, getting changing consciousness from exertion or non-exertion, unable to recover normally from activity, chronic fatigue syndrome like issues, seeing zig-zag lines (horizontal or vertical), dementia-like issues, sensations of electricity and vibration in body, irritability is also an issue (like being irritable for no reason, originating from brain and nervous system?), affective lability, low blood pressure (taking meds made me fatter and increased my BP a little by volume expansion). I had MRI scan some years ago and it was clean, but I am sure I have some kind of nervous system problem along with the mental issues and stress disorder. Just that what the heck it is! Nobody has a clue, doctors don't know and push their meds only (which don't fix the underlying problem here), therapy doesn't address these physiological problems, and I have to pretend they don't exist. Does anyone else get this kind of symptoms?!
  8. Thanks all! I'll try to tell them. Lately been socializing ALOT and this is a big change for me. Lots to learn from social contacts... I tend to tell them everything and afterwards feel like I told them too much about my private life. They're kind of support place... but still I feel very difficult to make white lies and just tell the damn truth as it is - I need to find some shields next time. Seems being with understanding people who themselves have issues it is so much easier than with others, less masks... but then being too open. I also tend to think afterwards the connections I made and worry about being misunderstood.
  9. Thank you all for replying!! Somehow need to rid the thoughts that others can read me...but maybe it comes mainly from the sense of being "different" or strange, and kind of feeds itself from that... also having conversation with people I tend to be oversensitive to their gestures or even "reading their eye color" and it makes me paranoid, and the that "I am weird and they sense it" loop. But I'll try to keep exposing myself to people. The angels and demons aren't really visible, but more like feelings and heaviness or lightness of body, and the weird thought patterns.
  10. I also get a bit similiar thoughts of telepathy and thought-reading, or feeling that others can read my mind...and somehow I believe it on some levels. Bodily vibrations and sense people very strongly (might be my own illusion). Also get those sensations or feelings of the underworld (demons or such, hell) and the higher realm (angels & heaven etc). These different entities might help me or harass me (or put some crazy ideas into my mind), or sometimes I worry whether they're me...I do wish the demons aren't!!! This fight over demons has even caused sensations of "changing personalities" sometimes, hard to describe. I do tend to think alot about UFO stuff and am prone to metaphysical/magical or even religious thinking, because it helps me cope with things that I cannot change, as a form of self-therapy. Once before thought of being abducted by aliens (on mental level) when my brain went into loop...I think it is also due to not being grounded in physical reality and nerves going haywire. It might also stem from severe anxiety... these all multiple causes create a bundle and the symptoms are the leaves of the tree. Thus would be important to find a way to treat the causes - whatever they are. I don't think there is a correct answer regarding what is the right way to go, it just needs to be weighed. But also it's important to not let it go too far, sometimes simplistic method is also good and not letting things drift too far...maybe I am not from this world anymore though. I don't know what is the best route in the end. Just try many things, sometimes a small thing can have big results.
  11. Hi all! I haven't been here for a while... But I thought asking whether it's common for bipolars to have flat affect? I find it difficult to show facial gestures and stress alot about it, and then try to do a fake smile. Also emotionally I often feel very numb, or then the opposite as labile affect, and "feel too much". The severe social phobia is certainly not helping at all, and is tied into these patterns. My newest pdoc thinks I have borderline and schizotypal as well, more dx cake layers LOL! I am overly aware of myself and kind of "see" myself from outside, or feel I am somehow strange, and believe that. People won't probably see it, but then I believe people can read my mind, and believe they CAN read me (?!) and almost think everyone is a clairvoyant. And I have found they often give me weird gazes or blinks, maybe because I stare them with gazed eyes? Hard to tell really... I also get this terrible facial stiffness, plus super tinnitus. The good thing is I have been benzo free for a month (with one exception being due to funeral), and it's been 14 years on them. I just thought heck I want them off. I wish I hadn't take any on the funeral, but meeting that many relatives was too stressful. I been fighting meds lately because I worry about the side-effects and always think they give me wrong meds (I have lots of experience with meds though), because they have no idea of the true mechanism of the imbalance. What keeps me taking them is my severe insomnia and they help me sleep and do have some anxiolytic effects. Also worry that I'd get tardive dyskinesia or something from APs. Sometimes been up several nights in a row, it's a bit scary and always worry I'll die of insomnia! Do bipolars often find themselves having demons and angels and being inbetween these forces? Do you people see demons and angels, or feel them or something? Thanks for reading!!:-)
  12. I think alot of this is just my own negative thoughts that might only be half-true or only partly true... mind tends to magnify too much details and get stuck with them!! My shyness is a bit troublesome with making friends...and need to overcome the negative thought spirals so I will attract better, more optimistic things :-)
  13. Hello! I felt like writing about this particular topic... I feel a bit down lately because I feel I have messed up friendship with my old classmates, though it's natural that people drift away over the years...but still feel it's because of me and my messings and how I expressed myself in front of them....or my past deeds (I never done anything but more of questionable personal decisions and some questionable values (that I feel not proud of myself either!) that I feel might have some influence) haven't met them for several years, but I "feel" what they might be thinking, or then it's slight paranoia. I am learning to let go and not think too much, but sometimes these things come and bug me a bit and have nobody to talk to about it. I feel they "see" my darker side and I feel even demonic sometimes... does the "demonic" feelings correlate with bipolarity?? I do want to fix myself and become better than I am now. It is mostly nervous system disorder that has made me kneel and end up this way and stunted my growth into an adult, because my nerves cannot deal with all the real world. But good news is that I started working a bit and started studying again after years of doing nothing. At least it looks that I am trying to improve! But I have messed up some friendships because I haven't been able to deal with them. I hope they could forgive (I haven't even met them in years but they don't contact me anymore), though I am not even sure if they're angry but just wanting to steer off! Thank you for reading this!
  14. Sounds quite familiar yes!! I would like to be who I am, but somehow I am so sensitive that I can't really but act somewhat normal, although I also want to fight the "normalcy" in a way, yet I have a need to fit in because of my low self-esteem. But I feel people sense my lack of vibration, maybe they sense it without knowing. I would like to see some video about myself, my shrink even told me I could be a good stand-up comedian (argh I am going to change shrink yes, he doesn't get it anymore). Agree, maybe the "pain and agony" that meeting and interacting causes is enough to make it feel unpleasant for everyone lol... and I "see" my own face in a tense way or being too aware and have "delusions" how others perceive me..it's a bit loopy..very.
  15. Melissaw72 yes, holding up the conversation is difficult because my mind is empty and I struggle finding anything to say...it is easier if the other one is babbly and talkative, but still it varies alot how I feel around people, mostly tension. All my replies are like "yes, aha, OK, nice, good". Feel like my face is frozen and I am worried of the impressions I give. Stiff boy...
  16. Hello! Does this sound familiar to anyone? You seem unable to maintain chit-chat with people, or some normal topics... and generally you're "off the range" where most people are in. I constantly need to focus on getting energy to interact with my classmates (I recently started some courses (forced myself) after years of doing nothing), and I seem to draw negativity from others, I do think too much about it but generally I feel my gestures are not spontaneous and kinda rigid, and my words are not many, and I cannot control them the way I would like to (and like most people are able to control their gestures naturally). I feel like I have a mask, and people see the mask (I feel or even know). I don't know what they see, but I feel they see something serious, because I don't really laugh, I just am inside my own consciousness and spiral, stiff gestures, "serious look". I might seem a bit sarcastic, I try to fight it but I often laugh in a sarcastic way, but it's not deliberate, it just happens. I feel people cannot get a grip of myself because of my constant anxiety/fear over _nothing_, and people kind of cannot get hold on me, except those who have less ego and a big heart. I have terribly large ego (to the point of insanity), and people with egoistic tendencies find it difficult to deal with that maybe? I really wish I could just take it easy and laugh with others and be in relaxed vibes. But mostly I tend to be damn jittery, anxious, _tense_, and everything is tension and negativity, and I think people can see it and I also feel they can see inside my soul. Which is a bit scary... I just try to hold things together like functioning and interacting..maybe I need to learn to let go and let it be what it is without trying to control everything to the point of madness lol... but mostly it is about learning to trust instead of fearing - the useless built-in mechanism that makes me slip from every banana peel on the ground. I find it alot easier when I don't have to interact with anyone and just listen to the class...or when I have to interact I find it difficult to interact straight person to person, I always need thick shields because I am so vulnerable and open! But at the same time I am shy to tell everyone that I have severe social phobia, because I am afraid of getting stigma, but if I told people they might get more grip on me and understand me better...yet for strangers it seems kinda odd to say such intimate details, because everyone is so shielded. Maybe I should be braver and tell people that I have this social phobia thing. Or would they just laugh?! Now I just try to act that I am as everyone else, though I have something really "weird" and "odd" in myself, which is also my own creation and part of my funny beliefs about myself. I always felt weirdish, but over the years it just grew out of proportion... and now I AM odd lol... a bit schizoid or peculiar, OCDish, even feel myself being possessed at times (which can be a bit scary when fall into that loop), and going out there on a class has been a biggie challenge for me. But the thing is, somehow we need to turn the fear and all that negativity into something positive and creative. Maybe I should start to be more honest about myself to others and maybe openly laugh about myself that I am crazy! I find it difficult though because I am so sensitive to criticism and judgements...but I could try to do it. Thank you for reading!
  17. Melissaw72, actually it is quite common and many people go undiagnosed with a borderline thyroid issue, which might possibly help some symptoms of depression etc if it was treated. It's so interesting how the mind/body is linked and interconnected. I do split myself up alot as some kind of defense mechanism, because it is "easier" to do so somehow...but might be necessary.
  18. Thank you HAL9000 and melissaw72 for replies!! Regarding the hypothyroid thing, it seems that when it's low I get fearful and anxious in a funny cold way, and lack of clarity in mind, and general sluggishness, slowing down...yet thyroid is only one part of it, and it all works as a whole... That's the best way I can put it right now. I experience mind and body quite strongly as one, and if I do yoga for example I may get really funny mind/body symptoms, so I need to take it carefully lol... It's a bit hard to describe because there is no language that can express it well.
  19. I would like to find a pdoc and a tdoc all-in-one, but at the same time feel like looking for separate ones, because I feel I can be more open to tdoc than to pdoc, plus most all-in-ones are quite psychoanalytical in nature, and I am looking for some more cognitive and practical. My pdoc does know all my tweakings and is also quite liberal tweak-wise, and won't mind if I tweak a bit - after all we know our bodies better than anyone else, and we know how we react to everything and what works best. I am glad he is not that dogmatic and allows some free playground, makes things less complicated, but also requires more responsibility. Though I don't recommend anyone to tweak without permission, it must be all known since meds are like knives, they must be used with caution! The chili/metabolism thing was just a very subjective thing, nothing to do with anything or reality at all, or by no means any recommendation, just a way to put things, meant to express things a bit in the direction like how physical exercise can help when it has a "lifting" or stimulating effect, but ofcourse it's all highly individual is not true for everyone and also the causes for each of our conditions are different, and not to be generalized. Guess it is natural for me to express that way due to having low thyroid levels, and most people aren't that way at all. I also tend to have my odd subjective far-fetch comments Well, seems it is time for some dinner. Thanks for your thoughts melissaw72!!
  20. Melissaw72, thank you so much for your good reply!! I am currently seeking a new tdoc or therapist, and will try a new one (not doc though) next week. My current pdoc seems to be a bit tired of his job (or maybe having a work burnout) and I feel it might be better to find a fresh one, though it may take a while to find someone suitable. Though I hope they are willing to take me in since I am a bit "complex" case! Maybe that is excessive worry only. I been tweaking meds a little and trying to find some good combo that I can sleep, since sleep is also one of the best therapies around for me. Today seems better after drinking my dear tea and eating some spicy food - chilli, ginger... I believe those are good lifters sometimes and bring a sense of warmth. I find it's much about "metabolism" as well how cheerful we feel, and being "cold (or hot)" inside affects our mood too. It would be so important to learn to be gentle towards oneself... and accept the way one is NOW...
  21. Thanks for the tip! Edited... Sorry about that! I had "too much to say" yesterday so didn't remember.. I'll try to make it easier next time.
  22. I am learning to watch the thoughts and somehow learn to see that I am not "them", though it often feels that I am the thoughts... it's kinda loopy and I get swallowed easily into my negative spins that feed themselves... today is one spinny day...it feels like the spins are part of my nervous system and often find it difficult to detach from them, and I can see how it affects my posture and everything. Lately been drinking lots of tea to keep me "up and awake" and it helps in some way, though I'd like to find better coping mechanisms...
  23. I would say the instability and ups and downs and changing goals and swapping emotions and personality changes are difficult, and it is really hard to build anything when you have no idea who you are..or you do know who you would like to be but then the mind changes all the time...when you find something stable and what you want, you suddenly feel like not wanting it until you want ... confusion confusion,and messing things up ... and the confusion about who you are, and the changing mind, and that causes terrible anxiety when you can't be who you want, or that when your mind changes when you don't want it to change...the instability...
  24. I needed to write or talk to someone and couldn't think of anyone so ended up here... I seem to have identity confusion all the time and find myself being "someone I am" until I get depressed and anxious and become something I am not, like now ended up in this terrible guilt canyon, was better earlier this day but then ended up thinking about my past mistakes which I am not proud of and that I am not perfect, but still I try to be better than that, but then I ended up "accidentally" talking to an old friend about those past things and imperfections in an open way and felt being judged and then dropped into my own pit of depression, guilt etc of knowing my flaws which I wish I was a different person. I have these issues with feeling of being "demonic" and torment myself a lot with perfections and imperfections, which makes me imperfect and suffer alot, and picking on past things...and on top of that the other people's possible judgements...sometimes it takes any excuse to fall there in the pit and kind of mind seeking excuses to beat oneself up over and over again. I am trying to find ways to be "better" but then I get wobbly and slip, or worry that I'll slip there again. I have been distracting myself by going to studying courses and some freelance work (that has been a big step and I could not have imagined I could ever do such anymore), and it feels good in some way, but I guess it is mainly a distraction as well. Until now I ended up here in my own "hell" once again from thinking... and feeling too deeply... I am trying to go to therapy soon, though not sure if it works but trying anyway...still I feel really confused because one moment I feel like "I am this" and the next moment "I am that", and this swapping goes on and I cannot figure out who I am, and end up being confused all the time. It is like a merry-round that I get looped into..like a spiral... and now talking about my stuff to an ex did not really help but brought up some old stuff that comes up every now and then, which I am trying to forget and move on... But I feel like I cannot forgive myself...sometimes I manage to tell myself we are not perfect but then other times I get caught up in it and even have thoughts of dying because of the possible pain I may have caused to people I care for...and also these mood swings are terrible because it feels out of control..and have alot of "good" and "evil" patterns and even turn into spiritual practices trying to wash things out... confusing... all I want is a stable self and not an always changing crazy mind..... I guess alot of this stems from severe anxiety disorder too. Thank you for reading this ramble!
  25. Hello! I am back to the lab... My pdoc gave me Saphris last time... been taking minidose for a couple of weeks I think. It is really a zombie med if I take more than that, so I will keep it low. Generally antipsychotics worry me a bit... Now after watching a movie and crying and feeling (the movie was What Dreams May Come) I started to think about meds and emotions somehow and spit my med out in the thought of affecting my ability to love or messing my Aetheric existence or my true self etc....I don't know I am quite windy on this area regarding meds, and I worry I take too many (although the doses are lowish and I really need many of them for severe insomnia and nervous system issues especially and other symptoms)... I might get a thought and then start quitting them all because feeling need to get rid of them..well I think half of it managed to absorb. But I feel confused with meds because 1) I don't know what I really need 2) do they really work for me 3) I want to get reabsorbed into nature and popping pills doesn't really make me feel that one with the forest. So this is my merry-go-round with the meds that I need and hate. Maybe I need to love them more. Ok, just now took one half more to stop rocking the boat...
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