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springorange

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    agender
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    Idols, robots, horror, trains

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  1. Hi Geek, No I've never tried ECT before and it's never been a thought that's crossed my mind either. I will read your thread and then put some serious thought into it. Thank you very much. Glad to hear it's working for you
  2. Thank you so much Sister Blue! I will do some research and ask my doctor if I can be put on something new
  3. I can relate but I wouldn't call it hoarding in my case. I think it has to do with me neglecting my hygiene (not brushing my teeth, not bathing, cooking but not washing the dishes). I just don't have the energy to clean, so I leave the mess and it starts to pile up. For example, right now I have used bowls, quite a bit dirty laundry, clean laundry and photo albums scattered all over the place. It makes me feel bad but I just can't clean. Once in the while, when I'm euphoric I have the energy, but besides that I need help when it comes to maintaining my surroundings.
  4. You are all so right. I always feel like the chosen one no matter what, even now I feel like the things I experience are very personal and deep despite so many other people having the same symptoms. It does make me feel less alone though, knowing that I'm not the only one (a little less special though). I do think it's a thing only people on the schizophrenia spectrum can call cliche and stereotypical. Since non-crazies always seem intrigued and freaked out by my symptoms lol.
  5. Thank you melissa. My pdoc doesn't say much. Just nods and listens then prescribes me medication. I'm thinking of finding another one that will listen to me properly and will actually give me advice and help. Staying with the one I have now seems like a bad idea
  6. Lately I've been scared of everything. The TV (which is a normal thing for me), but also of people, pictures, words, objects (nailpolish, calander) ect. I am afraid that something bad will happen to me or to the thing I am looking at. That something evil or horrible will happen. Anybody else experience this? It's a different kind of fear that I feel than when I feel that someone is watching me or has poisoned my food. Like that I will go to hell, experience lots of pain, ect. Abilify has helped a little bit, but I'm still terrified everyday. Can't get therapy more than once a month either...
  7. I absolutely hate TV. It makes my heart race and I always think bad things are going to happen to me or the people on TV. So I avoid TV, movies, shows, radio as much as possible. Sometimes I get messages about hell through the TV but lately I've been going through great lengths to avoid it so it won't talk to me
  8. I have lots of trouble brushing my teeth. Most of the neglect is because is depression but also because I don't care about myself. So I started to care less about my appearance and hygiene as well. Another reason is because I'm scared of bathrooms. Mirrors make me so paranoid...
  9. I can relate. I have dreams about the predicting future all the time, places I haven't even visited before appear in my dreams and later on I visit them for the first time in real life. I also get signals like that through the TV. Oh, but I can mostly relate to this part: Earlier this year I thought that if I end my own life, that I will be reborn as 10 years old! I occasionally still think this, but it's mostly linked to my previous belief that one who has sinned must be reborn in their purest form -- a child.
  10. Thank you so much Tormented Me, It's so good to hear that therapy has saved you. I'll give it some thought
  11. Had the same thing when I was on Olanzapine and it freaked me out. I agree with Gearhead. What helped me was drinking herbal tea or something else warm, slowly. Don't know why it happens but you should def consult with your doctor. Sometimes side effects like that go away after a week or two.
  12. With me it hasn't worked at all and when it did, it didn't last for more than a month. I've been on so many meds I can't remember most of their names and at one point I wasn't even told what kind of cocktail I was taking. Now I'm on Abilify Maintena for my schiz and Effexor XR for my BPD. Effexor sucks. If I don't take it for one day my entire body goes in shut down mode and the pain is excruciating. I want off it but have yet to consult with my doctor. Hoping to find something that finally works. If I do I'll update...
  13. Hello, I don't know where else to post this but seeing as BPD is my "main" diagnosis I'll put it here. If mods want to move it, then go ahead. Before I say what I want to say I guess I should give a little introduction. I go by springorange on this website and several others, and I'm 18 years old going on 19. Still really young. (Please don't judge me because of my age) I've been in and out of therapy since I was 13 and started self harming at the tender age of 11 years old. I truly wish I could go back in time and protect 11 year old me from the bad things in this world but I can't. I tried committing suicide at least 10 times as far as I can remember, and have been hospitalized for it almost every single time. I've been institutionalized 3 times against my will and have been to 3 different mental hospitals. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm on Abilify Maintena right now and an antidepressant (Effexor XR,my fifth one!) and have tried pretty much every single type of therapy out there that's available in my town (And mind you, I live in a very small town with very little resources. Other therapists are a 3 hour drive away.) CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, and the list goes on. I still SH, but I don't feel pain in my arms anymore because of all the deep scarring. So I've resorted to my legs. This sucks, because it makes me feel even more empty than I already am. I've been on disability for two months now because I can't go outside, go to school, or do any kind of training. I fail to get out of bed most days, despite having gone through intensive therapy and being on medication. And the depression, self doubt, self hatred, splitting, and psychosis pulls me down so much, that I'm completely exhausted just an hour after waking up. I'm lost. It cost me energy to type this. So now I'm here, and just about ready to give up. Has anyone else been in this kind of "all hope is lost" situation? Should I keep going on with therapy despite not moving forward? I just want to feel human again, but it seems like that's not possible.
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