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wookie

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About wookie

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    Arrrrrrgh snort snort

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  1. Trump threatens the lives of the people that work in direct contact with him. He threated the life of his driver by leaving the hospital to make an appearance. The lives of the people who work beneath him are of no consequence to him. He can't stop and consider how he might infect others around him. No humility and no humanity.
  2. Just remember Pence is his predecessor. I don't wish death on him. Hopefully this will humanize him at best, and some his supporters will stop thinking prayer alone will save them from a potentially crippling, and deadly virus.
  3. I haven't done inner child work. It seems interesting. I know that my childhood for the most part was good. There were some bad bits but for the most part my family kept up with the joneses; we lived in middle class suburbia in a very peaceful, quiet town. I did a lot of kid things- i got to enjoy summer camp, horses, and friends. I enjoyed a good self-esteem at times in my youth. I celebrated a Norman Rockwell Christmas. Just somewhere along the way the dream became broken and my life took a confusing turn. There are hurt bits but the happy bits outnumbered the hurt bits a lot. It's when that changed that life became painful and unmanageable.
  4. I try to avoid this. I am naturally introverted and can be withdrawn in the presence of others. It's a self protective mechanism but my brain needs some form of socializing even if it's just friendly banter with a grocery clerk. I just assume we're all fucked up on some level. I have "normal" friends who have some demons that they deal with daily. I try to remind myself to just keep trying. Self isolating causes me to blow up my fears bigger than they are. It just becomes my own self fulfilling prophecy if I shrink down socially too much. I try to normalize my experiences. I have had enough people in my life who had tried to pathologize my reactions to their own fuckery and abuse that I feel I owe it to myself.
  5. That was literally the start for me. Once the damage was done I took over from there. People doing shitty things and trust issues can leave you trapped.
  6. I have a hard time sussing out which came first. I think I was susceptible and started displaying patterns of emotional vulnerability since I was 12. Sprinkle on some major life events/trauma and then I was a total wreck and my symptoms could look like some other forms of "mental illness" but it was mostly just reoccurring trauma. As I got away from traumatic events I just experienced dysthymia/anhedonia with what looked like mixed depression. Doing actual work on this now with low doses of antidepressant to help me sleep. It's helping. What I know is when you feel bad everything is bad. You forgot you left the house to exercise. You forgot about the things that helped you and made you feel better and you became more closed off to new experience and this keeps you stuck in a negative loop, or self defeating behavioral patterns. Depression erases a lot of good things.
  7. I had a severe episode of agitated depression/anxiety in my youth, and consistent anxiety and fluctuating depression from age 30 until now. As a teen I was depressed with a lot of energy. I remember a friend commenting on how I can't sit still. I couldn't. I felt like I had to move to accommodate my internal energy. A lot of major life stressors caused the state as a teen but it carried on into a few episodes, and it sometimes almost seems like it's partly my permanent state in some way.
  8. I disclosed that she had an enabling role when a lot of the abuse happened. There were moments she engaged my stepfather it seemed in some of his behavior and at the tender age of 11 I called her out on it. The fact she took off because "it stressed her" is kind of telling. Jeeze imagine how your kid felt after being molested and having to withstand a 6 hour disclosure session with the police. Or imagine how your child felt when they were treated to physical abuse by a sibling at their incitement. All because mom felt threatened by her daughter talking about her issues with a trusted and licensed adult (guidance counselor). My mom runs around complaining she's been used by her family and that we exhaust her with our basic needs. She now tries to pretend we don't exist and that her life with my creepy stepdad never happened. So convenient. I guess she feels "exhausted" for being logically accountable for the well-being of her children and can't face up that she was just as abusive as my stepfather, if not even worse in her aggression.
  9. I have a relative who has been a sorta surrogate/ adoptive parent to me who disclosed a bit of info I never knew about in terms of my abuse and abusers. Both my parents abused me (mother and stepfather) the abuse was physical/sexual and emotional. When I was 13 I reported my stepdad for sexual abuse. My adoptive mom said my bio mom tried to block the report from going through because it was too embarrassing for her. My bio mom then took off on vacation citing things were too stressful (fair enough). I found out that my adoptive parents made sure the charges were laid because my bio mom wouldn't allow it. My bio mom left my adoptive mom in charge and dealing with children's services and the police. Although my bio mom was outraged at my abuser her ability to cope was not good. She expressed empathy for me but struggled and then began expressing resentment towards me and eventually began allowing my biological brother to physically abuse me 2 years later. The moment she allowed this to happen was an incredibly difficult time for me because I had been self harming and had thought I had experienced another sexual assault. She allowed this to happen because I had admitted I needed help to a high school guidance counselor. She just kept repeating, "it's all her fault" to the counselor when the counselor said I was in distress. It seemed like narcissistic behavior because she viewed my reaction to be all about her and just reacted with rage and blame, no matter what the situation was about. It also felt like she was victim blaming me. My adoptive mom didn't know about this incident and the fact that she encouraged and allowed my brother to attack me when I got home that day. So just a lot of disclosing and finding out details that my bio mom did a lot of really weak, self centered things.
  10. wookie

    Estrangement

    I cut ties with my mom. It was hard at first. I felt like the guilty party but I just refused contact because she wouldn't say sorry and acted like a lot of horrific things she did were "a hissy fit" on my part. She moved on to destroy her relationships with literally all of the remainder of my biological family. Just screwed people over, lied and behaved awfully. It goes to show that it wasn't just me in the end. But this did it's damage and it makes me feel like I have to hose down my own dna. I feel guilty and screwed over at the same time. Her personality type makes me really second guess people and probably had got me to trust the wrong people in the past because they were essentially her. She imprinted on me and I'm trying to unimprint her and yet learn to trust people.
  11. I relate to much of what you said. I've gotten a few labels and a lot of fear of meds/ and sorta failed med trials to being prescribed stuff that didn't work out. I got handed a shiny new label - BPD- which upon reading makes further sense. But I struggled for years while looking perfect to everyone else. And yes, doing things in life that you ought to be doing to be happy but feeling like you're a step from falling apart.
  12. I think in dialogue. Sometimes images. Sometimes I attach too much emotion to my words and thoughts which can be hard. I sometimes just think in static fuzz.
  13. I bought tofu because my store I ordered from was out of meat. I will never again eat tofu. I've had it prepared well before by someone that knows what they're doing. I can't make it well enough to be edible.
  14. I heard about it. Mother nature is really taking the piss out of us these days.
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