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Everything posted by wookie

  1. I try to avoid this. I am naturally introverted and can be withdrawn in the presence of others. It's a self protective mechanism but my brain needs some form of socializing even if it's just friendly banter with a grocery clerk. I just assume we're all fucked up on some level. I have "normal" friends who have some demons that they deal with daily. I try to remind myself to just keep trying. Self isolating causes me to blow up my fears bigger than they are. It just becomes my own self fulfilling prophecy if I shrink down socially too much. I try to normalize my experiences. I have had enough people in my life who had tried to pathologize my reactions to their own fuckery and abuse that I feel I owe it to myself.
  2. That was literally the start for me. Once the damage was done I took over from there. People doing shitty things and trust issues can leave you trapped.
  3. I have a hard time sussing out which came first. I think I was susceptible and started displaying patterns of emotional vulnerability since I was 12. Sprinkle on some major life events/trauma and then I was a total wreck and my symptoms could look like some other forms of "mental illness" but it was mostly just reoccurring trauma. As I got away from traumatic events I just experienced dysthymia/anhedonia with what looked like mixed depression. Doing actual work on this now with low doses of antidepressant to help me sleep. It's helping. What I know is when you feel bad everything is bad. You forgot you left the house to exercise. You forgot about the things that helped you and made you feel better and you became more closed off to new experience and this keeps you stuck in a negative loop, or self defeating behavioral patterns. Depression erases a lot of good things.
  4. I had a severe episode of agitated depression/anxiety in my youth, and consistent anxiety and fluctuating depression from age 30 until now. As a teen I was depressed with a lot of energy. I remember a friend commenting on how I can't sit still. I couldn't. I felt like I had to move to accommodate my internal energy. A lot of major life stressors caused the state as a teen but it carried on into a few episodes, and it sometimes almost seems like it's partly my permanent state in some way.
  5. I disclosed that she had an enabling role when a lot of the abuse happened. There were moments she engaged my stepfather it seemed in some of his behavior and at the tender age of 11 I called her out on it. The fact she took off because "it stressed her" is kind of telling. Jeeze imagine how your kid felt after being molested and having to withstand a 6 hour disclosure session with the police. Or imagine how your child felt when they were treated to physical abuse by a sibling at their incitement. All because mom felt threatened by her daughter talking about her issues with a trusted and licensed adult (guidance counselor). My mom runs around complaining she's been used by her family and that we exhaust her with our basic needs. She now tries to pretend we don't exist and that her life with my creepy stepdad never happened. So convenient. I guess she feels "exhausted" for being logically accountable for the well-being of her children and can't face up that she was just as abusive as my stepfather, if not even worse in her aggression.
  6. I have a relative who has been a sorta surrogate/ adoptive parent to me who disclosed a bit of info I never knew about in terms of my abuse and abusers. Both my parents abused me (mother and stepfather) the abuse was physical/sexual and emotional. When I was 13 I reported my stepdad for sexual abuse. My adoptive mom said my bio mom tried to block the report from going through because it was too embarrassing for her. My bio mom then took off on vacation citing things were too stressful (fair enough). I found out that my adoptive parents made sure the charges were laid because my bio mom wouldn't allow it. My bio mom left my adoptive mom in charge and dealing with children's services and the police. Although my bio mom was outraged at my abuser her ability to cope was not good. She expressed empathy for me but struggled and then began expressing resentment towards me and eventually began allowing my biological brother to physically abuse me 2 years later. The moment she allowed this to happen was an incredibly difficult time for me because I had been self harming and had thought I had experienced another sexual assault. She allowed this to happen because I had admitted I needed help to a high school guidance counselor. She just kept repeating, "it's all her fault" to the counselor when the counselor said I was in distress. It seemed like narcissistic behavior because she viewed my reaction to be all about her and just reacted with rage and blame, no matter what the situation was about. It also felt like she was victim blaming me. My adoptive mom didn't know about this incident and the fact that she encouraged and allowed my brother to attack me when I got home that day. So just a lot of disclosing and finding out details that my bio mom did a lot of really weak, self centered things.
  7. I cut ties with my mom. It was hard at first. I felt like the guilty party but I just refused contact because she wouldn't say sorry and acted like a lot of horrific things she did were "a hissy fit" on my part. She moved on to destroy her relationships with literally all of the remainder of my biological family. Just screwed people over, lied and behaved awfully. It goes to show that it wasn't just me in the end. But this did it's damage and it makes me feel like I have to hose down my own dna. I feel guilty and screwed over at the same time. Her personality type makes me really second guess people and probably had got me to trust the wrong people in the past because they were essentially her. She imprinted on me and I'm trying to unimprint her and yet learn to trust people.
  8. I relate to much of what you said. I've gotten a few labels and a lot of fear of meds/ and sorta failed med trials to being prescribed stuff that didn't work out. I got handed a shiny new label - BPD- which upon reading makes further sense. But I struggled for years while looking perfect to everyone else. And yes, doing things in life that you ought to be doing to be happy but feeling like you're a step from falling apart.
  9. I think in dialogue. Sometimes images. Sometimes I attach too much emotion to my words and thoughts which can be hard. I sometimes just think in static fuzz.
  10. I bought tofu because my store I ordered from was out of meat. I will never again eat tofu. I've had it prepared well before by someone that knows what they're doing. I can't make it well enough to be edible.
  11. I heard about it. Mother nature is really taking the piss out of us these days.
  12. I've officially stopped giving a fuck. No martha Stewart projects, no crafting shit. Just wallowing in my own filth watching netflix. This is the life.
  13. Eating. More eating. Watching people choosing Fukushima as a tourist destination. Thinking about exercising. Thinking... thinking...
  14. I take quiet moments and forgiveness as it comes. My landlord is human. So are the other tenants. We're just stuck in this situation.
  15. I'm someone who is not as privileged I guess. Whatever that means. I share a house with people who do not clean up after themselves and are more exposed due to being delivery drivers. They pick up nothing and it was assumed I was a free cleaning lady for them. My landlord wanted me to be a go between communicator (free of charge) for them because he's afraid of covid-19 and doesn't want to pay a superintendent. Fuck him. I stopped cleaning the hallways. That is my landlord's job. The guys upstairs do not know how to clean a lint trap. I've decided it's no longer my duty. It's my landlord's. I've stopped sharing the laundry because I was the only one cleaning the lint trap. It's not my job. I'm not here to get sick and potentially die from their cluelessness. They can burn down the house by not cleaning the lint trap. It's their problem. The landlord knows the problems and should fix that himself. I'm not putting myself on the line because someone is too lazy, cheap or fearful to play their role. You wanted to be a landlord so be one, and pay people a stipend if you expect them to clean up after other's shit.
  16. I don't know what is happening to me. I am talking to a bridging clinic and they're concerned for mania. The 125mg of trazadone seems to be doing less and less for sleep. And during this week it did barely anything. I slept almost nothing this week until I took an ativan hammer to my face for the past two days to knock me out. My thinking was like this: Bitch, you gotta move. You're landlord rarely fixes a lock, you found your lock broken and your door open. It could just be nothing gets fixed and the lock just disintegrated, but this is bad. Tells landlord about lock. He brushes it off. Tells him again after catching him in the hall. He says he'll fix it in 2 days. I come home the next day after going to Walmart and shoppers drugmart and I can't get in the door. My immunocompromised neighbour can't make it budge, and now we've broken social distancing just to get me in the fucking door. It doesn't open. The landlord says he'll be by in a few hours with a new lock. I decide try to at least wash my coat. The washing machine was broken. In the meantime I call a friend, crack open a bottle of red wine and proceed to drink in my driveway while my friend comes to get me. I get picked up and wash my clothes at my friend's and stay the night. I beg to stay the two weeks at their place and said I can't deal with the noise at my place. I can't stay at my friend's though for whatever reason. The week is a blur. I decide to make my way out to the town I am looking to move to. Barely any sleep and 6 hours of driving. I make it. Go to the bank. See two places. Make a tentative deal with a potential roommate but I am cautious. Decide not to take my own apartment because I am laid off. Don't sign anything and don't give any money to anyone. I have a crying panic attack on the phone with my aunt who tells me to calm down. I call my glorious Dr/pharmacy and get some ativan for sleep. Talk to them about putting me back on seroquel to let me ride out this shit storm with better moods and sleep. They do delivery. I teleconference a psych and my family doctor okays my prescription. I get home and now my outside door is locked and broken and I can't get in. A tenant lets me in and I feed my cat. I lose my shit at the landlord. I then stayed at my friend's and I end up barely sleeping. I went home the next day. Took my 1.5 mg of ativan and drift off to sleep for oh/roughly 16 hours. When I wake. I take .5 mg of ativan to float through my day. I sleep more. At 11pm (I think) I take a 1mg of ativan. My dreams are littered with footsteps and noises upstairs. I wake up 2am. Take another 1mg of ativan. I forget if I am even bothered with taking trazadone. I'm so exhausted I fall back to sleep. I wake at 7am have cereal and crash out and wake in the afternoon. I just explained to one of the tenants that not cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer can cause a fire. I don't think any of them have a single fucking clue about this.🤦‍♀️
  17. It was a small elephant, and still alive
  18. This sums up my sentiment of Facebook. You're not actually connected to people. Some family show they care. My old friends as well. But no one can tell what my inner experiences are. Maybe I post the odd humourous or political article. Some of my friends think fb literally steals your soul and when we go out we tell people not to post our images. Some of my friends on fb come across like assholes and I've lost friends because of fb. I tried reaching out to someone in my past and the only answer I got were two email hacks. Blocking me would have given me a kinder answer. Not even sure if it was them but I just know it was from a town they had a business in or had lived in at one point. For a while I had a catfish who seemed to really want to get a hold of me across multiple accounts. They seemed to be connected to multiple women's accounts. Seemed to rip off pictures of men as their identity, but had a painfully obvious MO and manner of speaking that you could out in 2 seconds. I just thought, fuck it, if people actually care they can speak to me by calling me and hanging out with me.
  19. I've got music that can be a bit of a tear jerker
  20. I've been on hold for 40 mins for grocery gateway. Trying to get food in the panic I get bad headaches when I don't drink a coffee
  21. I was my own abuser. I became so self destructive but I also had no help. When I looked at the ways in which I sought appropriate help and care in my teens it was fruitless and I was blamed. Ending up homeless seemed to be the most helpful thing because I could get away from my abuser. It was amazing how I couldn't even report it. It became a dangerous situation and the so called help did absolutely nothing. I was told I could fix the situation by not running away. I couldn't talk to anyone. Despite issues with suicidality and self harm no one wanted to check in with me on that. And I went through the proper channels to get help (police and children's services). No one interviewed me. I was told it was all my fault. Talking about it was met with physical violence by my family. My needs growing up were severely undermet.
  22. I kind of broke the levee. I think it has not so much even to do with the trauma but the loss of healthy connections to people and my community. It felt like like no one saw me or helped me. And I failed on my end too. When I felt myself at my absolute worst it felt people just wanted to watch me go down. I feel like people shamed me for things that people seemed to protect others for. I feel dishonest in my one experience but when I get into the details a lot of people say what he did was so wrong and probably label it the same way I did. It's scary. I feel like I struggled to even have my basic needs met. But I feel like that should be the past. I tried contacting someone from past to talk things out. But their life kinda makes it impossible to do that. So I feel I gotta disconnect. It's not healthy. But I feel worse disconnecting rn. Like I should leave the door open. But I seriously have no answers on what to do. Just trying to move forward.
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