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Everything posted by tyrantblade

  1. Well im not really an angry person unless im really stressed out or somebody keeps doing the same annoying action (such as an offensive joke)
  2. My job doesnt pay enough and sometimes i feel like somebody is going to make me lose it. In Elementary school and Middle School if anybody made me mad i would get aggressive and fight them. In High School i tried to avoid fighting and i only got physical twice; neither was a fight. One was just some girl hitting me so i just pushed her away; the 2nd was me beating some annoy guy up because i lost it and went on the offensive without even remembering anything from that whole incident until after it happened and i got yelled back into reality. Im a bit fearful that its possible another thing like that can happen. I dont like being agressive like this and i dont set out to hurt people, but some people just constantly grate against my nerves. Earlier today i was getting really mad because this idiot kept being disrespectful by acting like he didn't fully hear what i said or that he didnt hear what i said at all and by continually insinuating that im gay. He also likes to call people names and just overall talk bad about people; but he hates if anybody does what he does to him. I suppose next time he does anything like that ill just have to go to HR so they can tell him to stop or just fire him because he gets on everybodys nerve; pretty much everybody hates him; i try to not let him bother me; but i often have to work right next to him for hours at a time and so he is wearing my patience down thin.
  3. And still sometimes it feels like nothing is any better than its ever been; like nothing counts/matters. But i guess thats part of my Mental Illness; a lot of times Mania wins out; but sometimes depression wins out.
  4. As in having a girlfriend. How weird is that at my age (26)? Not that ive been avoiding relationships; ive just never sought one. Im the type of person to pretty much power through everything I have went to work while being sick with Bronchitis for weeks before; and i dont usually complain about anything; when i sprained my hand i waited for 4 days before i went to urgent care (i didnt know it was sprained; but i knew something was wrong and i needed to see a doctor to find what); and i have no problem walking through a lot of snow to get to work (ive done so several times even though cold weather is bad for asthma ); but at least its only 15 minutes away. I know i should take these health concerns more seriously; but im a make no excuses, get stuff done kind of guy; even if its a good reason instead of a lousy excuse. I am also sometimes terrible to myself; i probably could have died on at least 2 or 3 occasions when i got too stressed; drank too much; and took pills too (though idk how dangerous zzz-quill pills are); and i would probably feel terrible ending up being such a huge burden to somebody else at times like that. I mean im trying to be better to myself; but ive also learned i have to keep my spending controlled better because too often ive bought things (mostly watches costing low $100s) only to sell in the short term and lose money because thats life when you have to rely on others; and especially with a younger brother just doing nothing productive since he got fired from his last job 5 months ago. If he would get a job and pay a few bills i would be living a lot more comfortably and then i could buy a few things ive learned to accept that i just cant have as things are right now. I hate not being able to keep nice things.
  5. Do you find that things change less than you expected when you are hoping for a big positive change? Or perhape that things change less than you expected when you thought you were headed towards something really bad happening? Im hoping to get a new job soon at a different factory as if i dont get a better job i cant realistically expect anything to change for the better; but even if i cant get the job im trying to get i still want to find a different full time job next year (full balance flex card will come in handy) so that i could get my 401k; and have some hope to live more comfortably. If i stay at the same job i wont be able to touch my 401k and ill be stuck at just above minimum wage and will keep living paycheck to paycheck. If i do get the job im after it should make me feel a lot better having more money so i can live more comfortably, hoping leading to a lot less stress, and then i cant say that i will have any reason to binge drink the few times that i drink. Am i setting myself up to just fail again knowing that things never go perfect? Or do you think things will go well? Im not worried about changing my work hours (or potentially having to work many extra hours), or having to be a better, more reliable worker or anything like that as i take work seriously. Its just part of me expects something to end up disappointing me or something.
  6. I hate 3 things more than anything else 1. US Government takes around 30% or more of everybodies money (anybody working anyways); misuses it on all sorts of stupid things that should not be funded with taxpayer money Such as government benefits that shouldnt exist or should be scaled back to a lot less people (some people know how to cheat the system and get government benefits so they can be lazy and live for free) Also those stupidly lengthy court cases you see all the time (free public defender); and lengthy prison terms/expensive death penaltys; all paid for by taxpayer money. And still huge national deficit; at the very least we should have free healthcare so we can stay healthy and keep giving our incompetent government 30% of our money for a long time. 2. NYS rising minimum wage problem - every year minimum wage goes up; so people that start working where i work make almost as much as i do on their first day even though i work very hard and have been at the same company for 4+ years now. 3. Laziness of my little brother; he hasnt had a job for about 4 or 5 months now because he wasnt serious about work, missed too many days and got fired; he has had chances to try getting various jobs; instead he sits around waiting for Walmart to hire him back It seems they dont want him so he may just keep staying home; using all the money he ever gets (not much unless he works with my Grandpa on Saturday/Sunday or gets lucky at the Casino with free play) to drink massive amounts of alcohol while he stays at home doing nothing productive (he can stay home all day, enjoying my PS4 pro, games, and Samsung SUHD TV; while i am basically living paycheck to paycheck and the best i can do is work a little overtime and hope it lasts me a couple weeks)
  7. Before i start, im just gonna say the more i have to stay at my current job, the more and more i grow to hate it; and thats when im just taking into consideration the tasks the perform, how fast/hard i have to work, and the pay that i get for it Now; I can tolerate most of my coworkers and i really enjoy working with some of them; but there are some people that lately i cant stand being around and i hate their attitude; and this is without having to work with them for hours at a time before break time or lunch. Now at this point you must be thinking what got me worked up. Well, it started rather simple and then became almost a full blown argument; and all i did was spit in a garbage can. Apparently somebody that works close to me (though i rarely have to work with her) thought it was a big deal because we work in a "Food factory"; some of the products themselves go in food or at the very least in a Fridge. But im thinking - Come on, its a garbage can. So she asked the opinion of one of her friends which agreed that its a big deal. So then i said, "Get over it, its a garbage can"; and the 2 people kept going, so i told the one to cry me a river and they told me to shut the F up; so i said the same thing back. And now i just dont want to deal with either of those 2 as i think they are absolutely crazy and they hate me and think im nasty for spitting in a freaking garbage can; granted i know people think its a nasty habit; but im not spitting just to spit, to gross anybody out, or anything like that. Idk about you, but sometimes something comes up through my system (im not going to describe it to you guys as i would rather not gross anybody out) and i have to spit it out; if i dont it can stay in my system and make my asthma absolutely terrible; and im not going to basically suffer from Bronchitis for Politeness. I didnt spit in/on the product or production line; so what is your verdict and what would you have done? Oh and to make matters worse in the other break room i was talking about how one of those 2 women is crazy and i probably just narrowly avoided having to talk to HR and possibly lose my job because people think they can just talk to me how they want and be rude to me all the time and still want me to give them respect.
  8. Well, i think it went good, but there will still be a few things before i can start the job; but the rest will be easy if they want me to work there (a test and then a drug test, and then a physical; nothing i have to worry about)
  9. Im hoping i get the job because i cant keep working where i work as they dont really appreciate anybody, the pay sucks (working at a factory for 4 years to get paid just above minimum year after year) and the company has a lot of BS/excuses. They always blame the employees for why they are X amount of dollars behind last year (they said $800,000 like 4 or 5 months ago; now the company is back on track and then some), they havent given anybody a raise this year (usually 3% to keep people a little above minimum) and some of my coworkers i hate so damn much; they complain about everything. Most days i feel like the company is draining my soul out of my body and the work feels more tedious than ever the longer i stay. They also want to eliminate overtime completely, which is the only time when i feel like im getting paid good. If i get the job at this other factory i will start at $2 or $3 above my currently hourly wage, have room for raises, and i can get a lot of overtime. It would help so much as its hard keeping my bills paid with my younger brother not working and i will need any extra money i can save for 2 dental implant. I should get the job because i show up every day; on time: i work hard, i work overtime, and i am good on pretty much every job they ask me to do where i work. As much as i put into my work, this barely above minimum wage thing isnt for me, ive been doing it way too long, and i deserve better; cant get it where i work, so i will need a better job at a different place.
  10. We always lift weights at the gym, each day is for different muscles, then when i dont go with friends either i do some weight resistance exercises at another gym and some cardio or i will do at least an hour of Cardio on my Treadmill at home.
  11. I have been working out with a friend a 2 or 3 days a week, although as far as the nutrition goes im pretty much my own advocate.
  12. I know most worthwhile goals are not easy to achieve; often taking a lot of effort as well as time. Have you achieved everything you wanted to? If not what % are you at? Over time ive had a bunch of goals 1st was to graduate high school; i know its something expected out of almost everybody by their parents; but i was close to needing to repeat 12th grade because thats when my Mental Health problems started; and it was so bad i almost got put in the Hospital twice (not because of deep cutting, i was just out of control and in denial for a while). Then i wanted to stop cutting when i realized i really needed help and sought it. Then i wanted to get a job because i wanted things and needed money; that job didn't last and then it was a while before i got my current job. Then once i felt secure with the 2nd job i wanted to get my smile fixed, 1st i needed braces; which im nearly done with; after that i will need 2 Dental Implants (expensive). Ive also had goals for years of getting to a healthy weight and eventually getting lasik. And lately ive realized i cant keep going at my current job, i need something better than less than .75 above minimum wage with less opportunities for OverTime the more time goes on. Ive achieved most of my goals, at least 75%, i just need to finish with my Dental treatments, drop enough weight, get Lasik; and get a better job. I think im getting on track with my fitness, but idk what ill do to get a better job, and to afford the dental implants and eventually Lasik. What really sucks is my younger brother couldnt be responsible and lost his job making more $ hourly than me with a higher wage cap (Walmart, not the best; but i would rather work there than the factory i work at now)
  13. Between exercise and not exercising; its easy to sit around and do nothing; but losing weight is a struggle for me. Ive tried losing weight before and had success once; but i rebounded and now im trying to eat better (low carbs and low fat, higher protein), exercise more, and lose weight. Ive been doing about 1.5 hours of exercise almost every day (14 of the last 16 days), about 50 miles on the treadmill alone (i do other things too, especially 2 or 3 days a week at the gym), but im feeling burnt out again. Earlier i was feeling drained, but I still got in 5 miles on my treadmill. Im dedicated and will keep trying; but i really dont know what to do. Maybe i should allow myself 2 lazy days (at least this week); and see how i feel, hopefully rechargwd enough to at least work out 5 of 7 days consistently
  14. I never really know sometimes why i am in pain besides that it always seems to happen at work; but i guess i feel its better that i enjoy the random pain than to let it make me feel miserable; unless its something that lasts way too; in which case it will make me feel miserable. I used to really love cutting when i got really depressed or even was manic and felt like i wanted to cut to calm down. But i simply almost never think of cutting anymore and i haven't cut in quite a while (probably at least 5 years now)
  15. Well, my problem isnt how often i drink, its how much i drink when i drink; i know a few times i had way too much to drink; other times i probably drank a lot more than i should have; but i didn't get sick the same night or next morning. Going forward i plan on drinking maybe 2 or 3 times a year; whereas i used to binge drink once a week last year, and drank in excess less than once per month, except for the weekend when i binge drank 3 days in a row (but a lot less effect as it was almost all light beer and almost no liquor). Going forward i just dont feel like i will need to drink as often or as much, and i will have better things to spend the money on; plus im trying to work out and lose weight; so i dont want to erase my progress with poor choices for my diet. Im even almost completely giving up pizza, because of the carbs and fat.
  16. Im pretty much down to maybe drink a few times a year, and working out a lot more to try to lose some weight and ultimately get toned. Also only a few months left of braces, and i need to save some money for dental implants, so im gonna have to work every Friday possible (since thats OT for me). So all in all im doing good, although im worried about the saving money for the dental implants.
  17. No i didnt, i was thinking it because the people were already very uncomfortable and didnt want us near them; and it was so dark i dont know if they saw his piercings. The first time we were just passing by them, and then i stayed back when my younger brother went closer and they had repeated that they didnt want to be bothered. I was really freaking out because you never know what people are going to make up if they really felt uncomfortable enough to call the cops. And personally i hate cops, there are too many bad ones out there that are complete jerks, even if you didnt do anything wrong; if they give you a speeding ticket they will add extra MPH to make it stick, and they twist your words around to try and make you sound like a bad guy.
  18. So its been a crazy 3 days (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday) with lots of drinking, far from the usual for me, but i wanted to be supportive to a really cool coworker, who invites me and my younger brother over to drink sometimes. Thursday was sort of his Bachelor party (nothing crazy; more symbolic than anything else) Friday (Yesterday) was a more relaxed social gathering. Saturday (today) was the actual wedding and we started to party afterwards, but we went to this new high end restaurant to check it out. Well thats where we made a big mistake, me, my younger brother, and 1 other guy each had 1 drink, we were chilling and then my younger brother had to go #1 and the bathroom was occupied, so he tried to go off the deck; well we stopped him and then he went inside and i followed him and then we were both kicked out. And then to make matters worse they still said we had to leave when we were in the parking lot talking to a friend that we met there (the guy that got married earlier today) who was on the other side of the fence and wasnt complaining about us. Then my younger brother tried talking to these people in the parking lot and they were very uncomfortable and said they were sorry but somebody they knew died recently and they wanted us to back off. So we both backed off and my younger brother went closer to them and tried to talk to them. And i was thinking to myself how stupid he was being and i seriously thought we were gonna get arrested because those people didnt know us and were scared (i doubt they even noticed my younger brothers' piercings or tattoos as it was very late; but i know that makes some people feel uncomfortable in itself). Then i was saying to my younger brother how i was so close to choking him out just so he would leave those people alone if he didn't back off. And now we are back home and i know 2 parts of 1 seriously important lesson. 1. Dont try to go #1 in a public place like that (i knew that anyways and thats why we all stopped my younger brother) even way though it was way past when it gets dark. 2. You dont know whats gonna make somebody uncomfortable; possibly enough so to call the cops.
  19. Well im soo drunk again due to hanging out with the same person again, but hes one of my few cool coworkers and it wont keep happening like this since he is getting married tomorrow and is gonna go into the navy. I really do mean to start doing better and will tdy to keep doing better.
  20. I havent had a Pdoc for a while, but ive almost completely stopped drinking; last night was an exception because it was a party with a coworker thats getting married. I know i might have foolish thoughts while drinking, but even when i havent drank alcohol in a while i sometimes get so mad at my coworkers; which is why im planning on getting a new job next year (only then because im gonna get a flex card to use for dental implants which are expensive). I probably wont drink for at least a few months since i did last night and i really dont buy alcohol anymore except maybe once every 3 months if that.
  21. Idk, but i really dont see drinking as a problem, besides the cost which i really only feel is an issue sometimes, because of the costs really. Otherwise, yes im diagnosed as Bipolar-NOS, but i manage pretty well, even though sometimes i really feel like losing control on people that make me mad because i feel like the government in the USA has everything messed up and like even being locked up in a mental hospital wouldnt be as bad as having to deal with life normally. I mean i normally drink like a pint of 70-80 proof on any given (once a week if that) night no problem. If i feel stressed enough i can drink a liter no problem. I mean im trying to deal with life as best as possible, but sometimes its hard.
  22. I know what you mean, sometimes my stress builds up to where i feel like i wanna cut so badly for a few days, but i dont act on it, i stay busy and sleep if i feel tired and it eventually passes.
  23. There are no guaranteed promotions as theres only a few better jobs there and i would have to take on extra responsibility, stay there another 10 years, and maybe get a worthwhile promotion. No thank you, took much risk and drama, not worth the stress and time to maybe get a worthwhile job 10 years later.
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